Me asking for advise!!!!
Upon my arrival home, I got word the ex is re-marrying. He desperately wants our daughters to go to his very small wedding, (him, his bride, his best friend, her daughter). My daughters do NOT want to go.
Now despite all the H*LL he has put me through I feel sorry for him that his own daughters out right do not want to attend. I really have no idea why I feel bad about this. Part of me wants to tell the girls to reconsider and let them know this is an important date in their fathers life and he truly wants them there. The other part of me says let it go, why push a 14 and 18 year old into something they really have no desire to be a part of.
I am truly a sap, I just feel bad his own kids won't attend. (granted he has treated them so badly over the years) :-5
Thirdly, he is always putting me in the middle of either daughter and himself and perhaps I should just leave it up to the 3 of them???
Eeeeek I am torn.
Cut my sappy heart out and get me a cold one!!!
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�You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough.�
• Mae West
• Mae West
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this is ONLY my opinion, but at those ages, i wouldn't force them to attend. it will clearly just bring up bad feelings for them, and could actually hamper the day for the parties. they are old enough to make this decision. and maybe that's what he deserves.
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You've talked to him and he said he really wants them there? Or did your
daughters just relay that info?
You know your daughters better than the rest of us but I agree they are
probably old enough to decide for themselves... besides which what are
you going to do about forcing them? Drag them over by the arm? Tell
them they're grounded for 6 months if they don't go?
You might try telling them how you think they could regret it someday
if they don't go. TW2005 I think hit the nail on the head with the
"making a turn for the better" idea.
I certainly wouldn't want grumpy teenagers at my wedding... a teenager
can sure make their feelings known in the worst way!!
daughters just relay that info?
You know your daughters better than the rest of us but I agree they are
probably old enough to decide for themselves... besides which what are
you going to do about forcing them? Drag them over by the arm? Tell
them they're grounded for 6 months if they don't go?
You might try telling them how you think they could regret it someday
if they don't go. TW2005 I think hit the nail on the head with the
"making a turn for the better" idea.
I certainly wouldn't want grumpy teenagers at my wedding... a teenager
can sure make their feelings known in the worst way!!
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tmbsgrl wrote: Welcome back Minks! I agree with Ladycop. They are old enough to make their own decisions. He has treated them badly in the past..that is most likely why they do not want to go. Don't pressure them to.. Just make sure they aren't going to regret this later. Good luck to you & your kids!
Thanks T
Yep I think I shall step out of the decisions and let the kids decide on their own. I just can't help feeling sorry for the guy when it comes to how his kids feel about him. Such a fool and he still doesn't get it.
Thanks T
Yep I think I shall step out of the decisions and let the kids decide on their own. I just can't help feeling sorry for the guy when it comes to how his kids feel about him. Such a fool and he still doesn't get it.
�You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough.�
• Mae West
• Mae West
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Terrible, Terrible, what is going on will happen a life time. only your heart can say what is the best. encourage the children to like everyone, as someday everyone will be together again for something. what is today, relives again tomorrow, be careful, it comes back again & again. how you handle todays problems will surface.
I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it. :yh_beatup
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:-2...
Death is more universal than life. For although everyone dies, not everyone truly lives.
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minks wrote: Me asking for advise!!!!
Upon my arrival home, I got word the ex is re-marrying. He desperately wants our daughters to go to his very small wedding, (him, his bride, his best friend, her daughter). My daughters do NOT want to go.
Now despite all the H*LL he has put me through I feel sorry for him that his own daughters out right do not want to attend. I really have no idea why I feel bad about this. Part of me wants to tell the girls to reconsider and let them know this is an important date in their fathers life and he truly wants them there. The other part of me says let it go, why push a 14 and 18 year old into something they really have no desire to be a part of.
I am truly a sap, I just feel bad his own kids won't attend. (granted he has treated them so badly over the years) :-5
Thirdly, he is always putting me in the middle of either daughter and himself and perhaps I should just leave it up to the 3 of them???
Eeeeek I am torn.
Cut my sappy heart out and get me a cold one!!!
It is their decision and not yours. They have wanted their father and he was never there for them. Now that he wants to impress the new belle with his daughters then he should have thought of that then when they needed him. Don't get caught in the middle because it is of his making and now the hens('scuse) have come home to roost. Maybe by his next marriage they'll change their minds. Heh heh.
You feel bad about it because you aren't getting married. His fantasy about his daughters should be shown to be what it is to his new family... a fantasy.
Upon my arrival home, I got word the ex is re-marrying. He desperately wants our daughters to go to his very small wedding, (him, his bride, his best friend, her daughter). My daughters do NOT want to go.
Now despite all the H*LL he has put me through I feel sorry for him that his own daughters out right do not want to attend. I really have no idea why I feel bad about this. Part of me wants to tell the girls to reconsider and let them know this is an important date in their fathers life and he truly wants them there. The other part of me says let it go, why push a 14 and 18 year old into something they really have no desire to be a part of.
I am truly a sap, I just feel bad his own kids won't attend. (granted he has treated them so badly over the years) :-5
Thirdly, he is always putting me in the middle of either daughter and himself and perhaps I should just leave it up to the 3 of them???
Eeeeek I am torn.
Cut my sappy heart out and get me a cold one!!!
It is their decision and not yours. They have wanted their father and he was never there for them. Now that he wants to impress the new belle with his daughters then he should have thought of that then when they needed him. Don't get caught in the middle because it is of his making and now the hens('scuse) have come home to roost. Maybe by his next marriage they'll change their minds. Heh heh.
You feel bad about it because you aren't getting married. His fantasy about his daughters should be shown to be what it is to his new family... a fantasy.
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kensloft wrote: It is their decision and not yours. They have wanted their father and he was never there for them. Now that he wants to impress the new belle with his daughters then he should have thought of that then when they needed him. Don't get caught in the middle because it is of his making and now the hens('scuse) have come home to roost. Maybe by his next marriage they'll change their minds. Heh heh.
You feel bad about it because you aren't getting married. His fantasy about his daughters should be shown to be what it is to his new family... a fantasy.
Oh Ken you cant be further from the truth there, I dont' feel bad about him getting married and me not! That is so not correct. I could give a hoot what he does, it was moi who divorced him with the hopes he would go away and be damed if he won't leave me out of his life. I sincerely do not want to jump into a marriage at this point and time in my life. He is the silly fool for haveing the affair with the woman and jumping the gun and purchacing her a $3000 ring whilst still married to me. No No No my friend may he marry and move on with life. I am happy with mine as it is and no remorse about not being married. Trust me I can't wait to see end of him.
You feel bad about it because you aren't getting married. His fantasy about his daughters should be shown to be what it is to his new family... a fantasy.
Oh Ken you cant be further from the truth there, I dont' feel bad about him getting married and me not! That is so not correct. I could give a hoot what he does, it was moi who divorced him with the hopes he would go away and be damed if he won't leave me out of his life. I sincerely do not want to jump into a marriage at this point and time in my life. He is the silly fool for haveing the affair with the woman and jumping the gun and purchacing her a $3000 ring whilst still married to me. No No No my friend may he marry and move on with life. I am happy with mine as it is and no remorse about not being married. Trust me I can't wait to see end of him.
�You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough.�
• Mae West
• Mae West
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You have gotten lots of good advise minks. Let the kids decide, they are old enough. I hope all works out for you, and congrats on being newly freed from this situation with your ex. He will be out of your life soon, as he becomes pre-occupied with his new wife, and she reigns him in. She will help you get him out of your life, gauranteed. Support your daughters in what ever they decide on this.
Death is more universal than life. For although everyone dies, not everyone truly lives.
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minks wrote: Oh Ken you cant be further from the truth there, I dont' feel bad about him getting married and me not! That is so not correct. I could give a hoot what he does, it was moi who divorced him with the hopes he would go away and be damed if he won't leave me out of his life. I sincerely do not want to jump into a marriage at this point and time in my life. He is the silly fool for haveing the affair with the woman and jumping the gun and purchacing her a $3000 ring whilst still married to me. No No No my friend may he marry and move on with life. I am happy with mine as it is and no remorse about not being married. Trust me I can't wait to see end of him.
What I meant by your not being married is that there was a marriage and once there was love. It is a whole new world for you and the girls. There is an impact but it is not what I seemingly thought that I put down in words to you. I agree he can move on and you don't give a damn. All I am saying is that from everything that I have read on the subject says that there is something that is there and should be resolved within you and the kids. It can't be dismissed. It is more along the lines of coming to a resolution amongst yourselves(3) and letting it pass into oblivion where it belongs.
His marrying and expecting the children to be there is disrespectful to all parties concerned. I'm not suggesting that you jump into a marriage or otherwise. I know that you are satisfied with the way things are. It is the children's decision and their's alone. It is the gunk tht is dredged up and made to be a part of your life that has to be put into perspective(which you have already done) so that eveyone is free of the turmoil that can be wrought from his expectations of you. You don't want to be and aren't playing the monkey in the middle.
Sorry for my lack of clarity.
What I meant by your not being married is that there was a marriage and once there was love. It is a whole new world for you and the girls. There is an impact but it is not what I seemingly thought that I put down in words to you. I agree he can move on and you don't give a damn. All I am saying is that from everything that I have read on the subject says that there is something that is there and should be resolved within you and the kids. It can't be dismissed. It is more along the lines of coming to a resolution amongst yourselves(3) and letting it pass into oblivion where it belongs.
His marrying and expecting the children to be there is disrespectful to all parties concerned. I'm not suggesting that you jump into a marriage or otherwise. I know that you are satisfied with the way things are. It is the children's decision and their's alone. It is the gunk tht is dredged up and made to be a part of your life that has to be put into perspective(which you have already done) so that eveyone is free of the turmoil that can be wrought from his expectations of you. You don't want to be and aren't playing the monkey in the middle.
Sorry for my lack of clarity.
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Bullet wrote: You have gotten lots of good advise minks. Let the kids decide, they are old enough. I hope all works out for you, and congrats on being newly freed from this situation with your ex. He will be out of your life soon, as he becomes pre-occupied with his new wife, and she reigns him in. She will help you get him out of your life, gauranteed. Support your daughters in what ever they decide on this.
Thank you bullet yes it is something the girls will work out. Their reactions and your guys's advise brought to light that this really isn't my place to be. If he truly wishes things of his daughters he is the one to it out with them not I. Daughter number youngest told me today she is not going and told her father and so that bit has been laid to rest. Daughter number oldest won't bother and will hope it is just swept under the rug. She is playing ostrich and I am going to leave this up to her . Thanks again to you and everyone else here for shedding a bit of light into this silly tunnel.
Thank you bullet yes it is something the girls will work out. Their reactions and your guys's advise brought to light that this really isn't my place to be. If he truly wishes things of his daughters he is the one to it out with them not I. Daughter number youngest told me today she is not going and told her father and so that bit has been laid to rest. Daughter number oldest won't bother and will hope it is just swept under the rug. She is playing ostrich and I am going to leave this up to her . Thanks again to you and everyone else here for shedding a bit of light into this silly tunnel.
�You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough.�
• Mae West
• Mae West
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kensloft wrote: What I meant by your not being married is that there was a marriage and once there was love. It is a whole new world for you and the girls. There is an impact but it is not what I seemingly thought that I put down in words to you. I agree he can move on and you don't give a damn. All I am saying is that from everything that I have read on the subject says that there is something that is there and should be resolved within you and the kids. It can't be dismissed. It is more along the lines of coming to a resolution amongst yourselves(3) and letting it pass into oblivion where it belongs.
His marrying and expecting the children to be there is disrespectful to all parties concerned. I'm not suggesting that you jump into a marriage or otherwise. I know that you are satisfied with the way things are. It is the children's decision and their's alone. It is the gunk tht is dredged up and made to be a part of your life that has to be put into perspective(which you have already done) so that eveyone is free of the turmoil that can be wrought from his expectations of you. You don't want to be and aren't playing the monkey in the middle.
Sorry for my lack of clarity.
Ah and my mis interpretation I think. I suppose it is a bit awkward for the girls to think they would like to see their dad get married to another woman. I suppose what makes this even sillier is the fact that this man actually said things to me like "why don't your remarry, it saves money" and "if you marry D then I can come to your wedding and you can come to mine" and "people have asked me if you are ok with my up coming wedding" To be quite blunt here, What the Pheck is this man on. We are divorced, we are not best of buds, I can't stand the "snowball" (this is what my oldest calls her when she thinks of his new wife in a white wedding dress). I so badly want to move on with my life and not have him lurking about. I wish he would be a more active father to the girls without always coming to me with things like "L is going to be mad because I told her this or E is upset because we discussed this" And your so right I do not want to be monkey in the middle and that is what he is doing. Perhaps that is more my issue than anything huh. Gawd well I guess I will just keep going my merry way and keep reminding the 3 of them that the decisions and actions are not to involve moi.
Sheesh ain't life grand!!!
Thanks again mind you for the advice tis always good to come here and converse about lifes' oddities.
His marrying and expecting the children to be there is disrespectful to all parties concerned. I'm not suggesting that you jump into a marriage or otherwise. I know that you are satisfied with the way things are. It is the children's decision and their's alone. It is the gunk tht is dredged up and made to be a part of your life that has to be put into perspective(which you have already done) so that eveyone is free of the turmoil that can be wrought from his expectations of you. You don't want to be and aren't playing the monkey in the middle.
Sorry for my lack of clarity.
Ah and my mis interpretation I think. I suppose it is a bit awkward for the girls to think they would like to see their dad get married to another woman. I suppose what makes this even sillier is the fact that this man actually said things to me like "why don't your remarry, it saves money" and "if you marry D then I can come to your wedding and you can come to mine" and "people have asked me if you are ok with my up coming wedding" To be quite blunt here, What the Pheck is this man on. We are divorced, we are not best of buds, I can't stand the "snowball" (this is what my oldest calls her when she thinks of his new wife in a white wedding dress). I so badly want to move on with my life and not have him lurking about. I wish he would be a more active father to the girls without always coming to me with things like "L is going to be mad because I told her this or E is upset because we discussed this" And your so right I do not want to be monkey in the middle and that is what he is doing. Perhaps that is more my issue than anything huh. Gawd well I guess I will just keep going my merry way and keep reminding the 3 of them that the decisions and actions are not to involve moi.
Sheesh ain't life grand!!!
Thanks again mind you for the advice tis always good to come here and converse about lifes' oddities.
�You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough.�
• Mae West
• Mae West
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I think you've done well to leave it up to them. I wouldnt make them go. Ex isnt right in the noggin, and you know this isnt going to work anyway. Ex stays so much in touch with you, simply because he knows he made a mistake anyway, but he is too far in it to admit it. You need to put ALOT more distance between you and the ex, girlfriend. This is hovering on the verge of REALLY unhealthy! The ink is barely dry on the divorce isnt it? Proves his 'amour' is pushing for this. Dont worry......he'll mess around on her too! :wah:
Besides all of THAT, you and your girls still have issues to resolve. Things dont go away overnight. All of you just had a very unstabalizing experience. And I ought to know! I'm the poster child for unstabalizing experiences! I'm STILL trying to figure myself out!
But I do know, you have to find yourself first. Once you know who YOU are, then it gets better! Unfortunately, these kind of things gives us a rejection complex as big as the rock of gibralter. Your girls feel rejected too, by their father. And he's wanting them to attend his marriage to the woman he left them for? Not a chance sister! He's never going to get their approval for rejecting them! And asking YOU to go, is just another way of asking you to admit he was right in having an affair with this woman. It just cant happen, mate. So dont feel bad, if your girls want nothing to do with this. It's normal. They SHOULDNT want anything to do with it. And neither should you. You're absolutely right. Put the ba$tard behind you. He made his bed, now let him lay in it.
Besides all of THAT, you and your girls still have issues to resolve. Things dont go away overnight. All of you just had a very unstabalizing experience. And I ought to know! I'm the poster child for unstabalizing experiences! I'm STILL trying to figure myself out!
But I do know, you have to find yourself first. Once you know who YOU are, then it gets better! Unfortunately, these kind of things gives us a rejection complex as big as the rock of gibralter. Your girls feel rejected too, by their father. And he's wanting them to attend his marriage to the woman he left them for? Not a chance sister! He's never going to get their approval for rejecting them! And asking YOU to go, is just another way of asking you to admit he was right in having an affair with this woman. It just cant happen, mate. So dont feel bad, if your girls want nothing to do with this. It's normal. They SHOULDNT want anything to do with it. And neither should you. You're absolutely right. Put the ba$tard behind you. He made his bed, now let him lay in it.~Quoth the Raven, Nevermore!~
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Thanks Rave. You got it so right there 
I would happily put more distance between me and the ex, would love to move away but.... love my job, love my parents, love my house soooooooooooooooo best stay for now till I retire after winning my cool million huh Thank all of you for the support. The girls are going to manage fine. They are showing good steps of moving forward. I guess one blessing is over the past 5 or so years of marriage the ex pulled further and further from his girls as they grew into teens so him bailing on them was no huge surprise. I can merely love and support the dears and be happy with how they are progressing
I would happily put more distance between me and the ex, would love to move away but.... love my job, love my parents, love my house soooooooooooooooo best stay for now till I retire after winning my cool million huh Thank all of you for the support. The girls are going to manage fine. They are showing good steps of moving forward. I guess one blessing is over the past 5 or so years of marriage the ex pulled further and further from his girls as they grew into teens so him bailing on them was no huge surprise. I can merely love and support the dears and be happy with how they are progressing �You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough.�
• Mae West
• Mae West
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i have teenage daughters, there father is in a relationship with a much younger woman, they have been together for some years now, i have a lot of respect for her, she has always been good to my girls, they hope to marry & start a family, my girls are opposed to it, of course in the ideal world in a teenagers mind mum & dad would be together & we'd all live like the waltons or little house on the prairie, anyway my point is you have done the right thing by encouraging the girls to go & not to be bitter towards there father (no matter what he has done) if they choose not to go (fair enough) but i am behind you in raising your daughters to be compassionate people, you should be applauded for your sound judgement & non discrimanatory advice to them