Frustrated...

BabyRider · Post by **BabyRider** » Sat Mar 26, 2005 11:36 am

I'm wondering....Why is it that when something upsetting or stressful happens in your partners life, you are the first to bear the brunt of that frustration?

An event occurs, something that was not your fault by any stretch of the imagination, and your partner, SO, husband, wife, whatever, takes that anger out on you. You're not to blame, you had nothing to do with this occurence that is causing the stress, yet they snap at you, talk to you like you are stupid, and generally treat you like you are the cause of all the BS. WHY? And then, THEN, have no idea why you are upset with them. I can't understand this, especially when they turn around and talk to others like there is nothing wrong, in a cheerful normal manner. Is it just because they feel they can, and you will always be there, you understand, you should be accepting of this moodiness, suck it up, what? It doesn't seem fair. Have any of you experienced this type of behavior from your partner? What do you do? How do you react? I don't get it, I don't like it, and I really think it's a load of crap.

abbey · Post by **abbey** » Sat Mar 26, 2005 12:18 pm

Is'nt it always the way? I had a b/f that would do just that, if anything upset him he'd speak to me as if i'd just slunk out from under a rock, but to anyone else he was the life & soul!

I began to wonder if maybe it was my imagination and maybe I was being funny!

I came to the conclusion that he did it because "he could".. that was until i learnt to like & respect myself & walked away :driving:

I look at my parents and their relationship and realise that they do it to each other also, and always have done, if dad has a cob on he takes it out on mum & vice-versa.

When i used to say to mum "Why do you put up with it" she'd just say "It's like water off a ducks back" :-5

I suppose after 53 years of marriage nothing will ever change for them.

lady cop · Post by **lady cop** » Sat Mar 26, 2005 12:22 pm

i think BR, that the one who is close to you often knows you are the one person they can "be themselves" with , and not have to hide their feelings, even when their feelings are negative. no, it may have nothing to do with you, but you are handy and there and love them, so they can go off. (then feel like a jerk later). it's BECAUSE you are close, they feel free to vent. so smack him upside the head.

(hi Bullet:) )

BabyRider · Post by **BabyRider** » Sat Mar 26, 2005 12:25 pm

Thanks for the input, Abbey. This is a very rare occurence, which, I suppose, makes it hurt even more when it DOES happen. I'm not a doormat, one to sit by while having my feelings stepped on. I try to be supportive in everything, as he does. That's why this behavior is so shocking. It's not like him.

BabyRider · Post by **BabyRider** » Sat Mar 26, 2005 12:29 pm

lady cop wrote: i think BR, that the one who is close to you often knows you are the one person they can "be themselves" with , and not have to hide their feelings, even when their feelings are negative. no, it may have nothing to do with you, but you are handy and there and love them, so they can go off. (then feel like a jerk later). it's BECAUSE you are close, they feel free to vent. so smack him upside the head.

(hi Bullet:) )I certainly don't want him to be anything but himself. And I don't want my feelings discounted either. When he's snotty to me, and all sunshine and happiness to anyone else, it pisses me off. I didn't cause the crap, so go be a crab to someone else, don't do it to me.

And, I understand what you are saying. I am more tolerant of moodiness from him, especially with all the **** going on right now. But the stuff going on stresses us both, and I expect more from him.

Damn, but this gets complicated, don't it?? :-5

lady cop · Post by **lady cop** » Sat Mar 26, 2005 12:35 pm

i certainly didn't mean to make light of your feelings BR, i think he's going to feel badly when he realizes he took out his annoyance on you, it is the stress of the situation you described to me, and he will cool down and apologize i am sure! and you will then explain why it was unfair, and forgive him. then he will take you out for a nice dinner...are you listening Bullet???

:yh_flower :yh_flower :yh_flower would be good too.

BabyRider · Post by **BabyRider** » Sat Mar 26, 2005 12:50 pm

LC, I didn't think for a second you were making light of my feelings! :yh_bigsmi

Of course I'll forgive him, and I know he will realize what he did. He always makes up for goofs. We both do, I think. We communicate very well, it just takes a bit to get there sometimes.

Oh, by the way....STRESS SUCKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

lady cop · Post by **lady cop** » Sat Mar 26, 2005 1:04 pm

making up will be nice though! :yh_wink :yh_love :yh_bigsmi

BabyRider · Post by **BabyRider** » Sat Mar 26, 2005 1:09 pm

Hey Scrat...I know it's normal in relationships in general. It's just not in mine. I just have to attribute it to all the abnormal amounts of stress. Take any aspect of our lives right now, and there is SOMETHING out of kilter. Work, kids, money, family, the house. There is some factor of crap going on in literally every one of these areas. I need to lighten up, don't I? :yh_doh

LC, that is the best part about spats...the making up!!! :yh_devil

abbey · Post by **abbey** » Sat Mar 26, 2005 1:11 pm

Sorry BR i am so thick sometimes, :yh_blush i thought you were talking hypothetical.

I would never in a million years suggest that you walk away from your relationship as i did, my situation went on for 4 years.

LC's right in saying that you've both been under a fair bit of stress lately & hopefuly it was just heat of the moment.

You've already answered the problem yourself, its not like him & you've both had a lot of crap in your lives lately, some people handle it better than others and you are obviously a much more tolerant person than he is.

Men eh can't live with em, can't live without em! :-4

lady cop · Post by **lady cop** » Sat Mar 26, 2005 1:22 pm

i wish my man wasn't 4500 miles away and we could have a first row!

we never argue, because we want to be together so much:-1 ...so look at it that way BR! see, it's all relative! :-4....now go smack him upside the head and then KISS him! LOL

BabyRider · Post by **BabyRider** » Sat Mar 26, 2005 1:54 pm

Abbey and LC, that's just what I needed right now...A LAUGH!!! You're both awesome, thanks.

Abbey, you're not thick at all. I meant it to seem hypothetical at first. I'd never walk away over something like this, it's just one more frustration to add to a boat load of others.

BTW, Abbey, My motto is "Men: can't live with 'em, and they just don't fit in a microwave." :yh_rotfl

One last zinger: What does it mean when a man is lying in your bed, gasping for air, calling out your name???

You didn't hold the pillow down long enough. :yh_devil

valerie · Post by **valerie** » Sat Mar 26, 2005 2:15 pm

That's the way ya do it... LAUGH!!

My husband and I almost never fight and when we do, they are

really wimpy and he is just as quick to come say he's sorry as I am.

I've been in other relationships that were pretty bad, and I think

there are a coupla degrees of "Get mad at you because they can".

I think there is the man who really loves you and feels safe with you

and lets it out. And the man who wants to keep you "down" and

under his heel. And from this angle, seems like you have the former, which

isn't too bad!!

My 78 year old father has a favorite saying "You'll never know it in

a hundred years" sort of a "And this, too, shall pass" type thing.

And if you think about it, seems like there are a couple things going

good in your life... you've got the Garden. I know we aren't the

be-all end-all but at least we DO care. And I hope you are still

rackin' up those days without alcohol.

Think of little kid's knock-knock jokes. And how they giggle when they

tell them.

Knock-knock.

Who's there?

Orange.

Orange who?

Orange you glad I didn't say knock-knock?

And other classics!!

:-6 :-4

BabyRider · Post by **BabyRider** » Sat Mar 26, 2005 2:29 pm

If I don't know by now that my FG friends care, I never will!!! Why do ya think I spend so much time here?? :yh_bigsmi

(BTW...71 days and counting!!!)

abbey · Post by **abbey** » Sat Mar 26, 2005 2:32 pm

BabyRider wrote: If I don't know by now that my FG friends care, I never will!!! Why do ya think I spend so much time here?? :yh_bigsmi

(BTW...71 days and counting!!!)
Thought i spent as much time on here as you, obviously not, 71 days & counting, to what

BabyRider · Post by **BabyRider** » Sat Mar 26, 2005 2:35 pm

abbey wrote: Thought i spent as much time on here as you, obviously not, 71 days & counting, to what

Hey Abbey, I spend way too much time here. When I go back to work, that will all change.

The 71 days is how long ago I quit drinking.

abbey · Post by **abbey** » Sat Mar 26, 2005 2:39 pm

BabyRider wrote: Hey Abbey, I spend way too much time here. When I go back to work, that will all change.

The 71 days is how long ago I quit drinking.
Sorry hon, (as i said bit thick sometimes! )Well done & keep it up, you have my respect & admiration xx

persephone · Post by **persephone** » Sat Mar 26, 2005 4:09 pm

I hate to admit this, but I think I would rather put up with snapping etc. like you describe than a very distant calmness that I get.

It's very unnerving, almost like you're waiting for it to blow up, and I mean blow in a big way... Yet it all seems to go away, only it can take a week or more of talking to silence on the other end of the phone and having whole converstations on your own :-5

abbey · Post by **abbey** » Sat Mar 26, 2005 4:15 pm

letha wrote: I hate to admit this, but I think I would rather put up with snapping etc. like you describe than a very distant calmness that I get.

It's very unnerving, almost like you're waiting for it to blow up, and I mean blow in a big way... Yet it all seems to go away, only it can take a week or more of talking to silence on the other end of the phone and having whole converstations on your own :-5
THAT is exactly what i go through, its so bloody frustrating the silent treatment :-5

Peg · Post by **Peg** » Sat Mar 26, 2005 7:23 pm

Myself, I'd just say, "It's not my fault so stop taking it out on me." If that doesn't work, a skillet upside the head will.

Post by **kensloft** » Sun Mar 27, 2005 2:32 pm

Br. It is normal and you know that. Just because you know it doesn't make it any easier. Lots of good info here. Stress not only sucks... it blows too. All at the same time. Go figure?