Why does everyone think im GAY?

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T&T
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Why does everyone think im GAY?

Post by T&T »

Hi all,

Now i know this will seem silly to some people, but i just need someone to talk to about it. Ive suffered rumours about my sexuality for years now and its taken its toll and had quite a negative impact on my life (im in my early 30,s). Im 100% hetrosexual, and have nothing against people who are gay, but ive just had so much crap through this, thats left me paranoid and depressed. I had taunts and cloaked gay comments for so long that ive got somekind a paranoid depression over the subject. Ive reacted badly on a few occasions, when ive thought people were saying im gay (when they werent) and this has fueled the rumours even more (i live in very small, clicky town!). I dont act camp at all, or dress in tight clothes etc, but i still seem to get labelled as gay!...It does my head in!!! I know i shouldnt care what people say or think, but thats easier said than done, ive even had comments off my own bl**dy family! It just gets to be that people are constantly trying to label others in some way or another, and people can be quite nasty with thier comments at times.

I think my main problem is that i look at being thought of as "Gay" as some kind of attack on my masculinity or something. This is pathetic i know, but its true, and also people can be quite horrible at times and i absolutely HATE the little behind-the-back remarks and cloaked comments, but i suppose thats just how some people are.



Thanks for listening...
T&T
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Why does everyone think im GAY?

Post by T&T »

Hi all,

Now i know this will seem silly to some people, but i just need someone to talk to about it. Ive suffered rumours about my sexuality for years now and its taken its toll and had quite a negative impact on my life (im in my early 30,s). Im 100% hetrosexual, and have nothing against people who are gay, but ive just had so much crap through this, thats left me paranoid and depressed. I had taunts and cloaked gay comments for so long that ive got somekind a paranoid depression over the subject. Ive reacted badly on a few occasions, when ive thought people were saying im gay (when they werent) and this has fueled the rumours even more (i live in very small, clicky town!). I dont act camp at all, or dress in tight clothes etc, but i still seem to get labelled as gay!...It does my head in!!! I know i shouldnt care what people say or think, but thats easier said than done, ive even had comments off my own bl**dy family! It just gets to be that people are constantly trying to label others in some way or another, and people can be quite nasty with thier comments at times.

I think my main problem is that i look at being thought of as "Gay" as some kind of attack on my masculinity or something. This is pathetic i know, but its true, and also people can be quite horrible at times and i absolutely HATE the little behind-the-back remarks and cloaked comments, but i suppose thats just how some people are.

Thanks for listening
Shweet tatersalad
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Why does everyone think im GAY?

Post by Shweet tatersalad »

you should not really listen to what other people say about you. as long as you feel good about yourself that is all that counts. i have alot of gay friends and noone says i am gay. do you have a girfriend ? do you hang with alot of guys instead of girls? i just happen to hang with alot of gay men. but, i am also married. i do not see anything wrong with hanging out with gays, they are some of my best friend. everytime i hang with normal men they always seem to hit on me, i hate that. as for your clothes it does not matter what you wear. you should express your own personality. :) taters wife taz.
T&T
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Why does everyone think im GAY?

Post by T&T »

Hamster wrote: Hello T&T and welcome to FG:-6

Can I ask if it is the same people who taunt you all the time or is it different ones?

You'll find no taunting here..only understanding and support...:)


Hi,

Thanks for your replys, i really appreciate it. Theres been a few main events in my twentys thats really given me a hang-up on the whole gay thing. Firstly, when i was about 23, i was working for Eurotunnel, and on a company day out, a load of people there started saying i was gay (they were all drunk), and it all got abit nasty to be honest. After that experience, i sort of become mentally aware of anyone saying the word "gay" and any other word associated with it (but unfortunately in a negative way).

Then i lost the plot one nite when i was at a party and became paranoid thinking people were saying i was gay etc (sad i know, but true). There were a few well known people from around the town there and saw me lose it, and this just seemed to explode the rumours even more! It mainly comes from around the small town where i live, so im actually thinking of moving and making a fresh start.
Shweet tatersalad
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Why does everyone think im GAY?

Post by Shweet tatersalad »

T&T wrote: Hi,

Thanks for your replys, i really appreciate it. Theres been a few main events in my twentys thats really given me a hang-up on the whole gay thing. Firstly, when i was about 23, i was working for Eurotunnel, and on a company day out, a load of people there started saying i was gay (they were all drunk), and it all got abit nasty to be honest. After that experience, i sort of become mentally aware of anyone saying the word "gay" and any other word associated with it (but unfortunately in a negative way).

Then i lost the plot one nite when i was at a party and became paranoid thinking people were saying i was gay etc (sad i know, but true). There were a few well known people from around the town there and saw me lose it, and this just seemed to explode the rumours even more! It mainly comes from around the small town where i live, so im actually thinking of moving and making a fresh start.


Ok ,stop beating around the bush"no pun intended"

what have you done or are doing that might lead some one too think that way of you.?

do you dress different? Do you have friends that might be?

Are you not masculine looking?

do not lick sports?

Do you speak in a high pitched and/or a lispy voice?

SOMETHING has too make people lean that way,what could it be?

And what does "lost the plot" mean?

I have some gays at my gym,and if I did not know them well,I would never have a clue?
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cherandbuster
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Why does everyone think im GAY?

Post by cherandbuster »

Hi T&T :)

It seems that building up your self-confidence would be a good thing for you. That way, you won't be as affected by other people's comments about who you are.

We are great listeners here. And we are also very supportive.

It's nice to meet you :-6
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Lulu2
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Why does everyone think im GAY?

Post by Lulu2 »

Welcome to the Garden, T&T.

First, is this an issue about you being genuinely heterosexual? Or is there any possibility that you might, in fact, be bisexual or homosexual? It certainly doesn't matter to us, but you need to be positive within yourself.

Have you tried discussing your concerns with a few carefully selected friends? Do you date? Have you ever sought help from a counselor of some sort?
My candle's burning at both ends, it will not last the night. But ah, my foes, and oh, my friends--It gives a lovely light!--Edna St. Vincent Millay
Shweet tatersalad
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Why does everyone think im GAY?

Post by Shweet tatersalad »

Threr is a thread alrady for this .you can move your comments too that too not double post.
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abbey
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Why does everyone think im GAY?

Post by abbey »

Novelty wrote: If there is one person to blame for stereotyping then it's Sigmund Freud,

this man, well i should say his nephew helped genralise ppl for commercial reasons and society control, what you may be suffering from is not self consciousness but the self consciousness of others, and it is not you with the problem but theirs, so dont be deterred from being who you are, always remember this...............



those who mock, only mock themselves my friend :-6



it makes doubly sense...Makes sense to me, good post Nov.
Shweet tatersalad
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Why does everyone think im GAY?

Post by Shweet tatersalad »

Novelty wrote: You talkin to me ? ;)


who else could i be talking too?
koan
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Why does everyone think im GAY?

Post by koan »

T&T,

I often had people question whether I was a boy or a girl when I was a teenager. Mostly because my boyfriend and I both looked like Robert Smith from The Cure. The whole crowd I hung out with tried to look rather androgynous. I can see how this could affect you if your own family makes suggestions.

I wonder why? Is it your voice? If so you could go to a voice therapist and learn to speak differently. It might help if you guess as to why people are consistently thinking this.
koan
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Why does everyone think im GAY?

Post by koan »

Novelty wrote: Why should one change themselves to benifit others, that is a part of the law of attraction going down the pan....


It benefits oneself if the change is made because of the dissatisfaction of the person themselves. I didn't mind being seen as androgynous, hence I didn't change. If T&T is deeply bothered by it then it is worth considering a change.

A change of some sort seems to be needed. Either the reaction to the accusations or the reason for the accusations.

If the mailbox at my door bothers the mailman I am not likely to change it. If the mailbox bothers me then I will.
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Galbally
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Why does everyone think im GAY?

Post by Galbally »

I think you should look at it from a self-confidence perspective, its pretty common amoungst men to mock one another by claiming that they are gay or sissy etc etc. Firstly you should examine why such insults affect you so negatively, its common to feel isolated or be depressed by such taunts, so don't beat yourself up over that. You probably don't feel self-confident about yourself in front of groups like the ones you describe and you should try to assert yourself more forcefully (without being or causing physical confrontation). The bottom line is that you don't have to justify yourself to anyone as a straight person anymore than a gay person has to justify what they are. I would say the labels they are using are irrelevant, its just that that one seems to get to you (most men for whatever reason don't take kindly to being called gay if they are straight after all), but if it wasn;t that it might be getting called fat, or bald, or 4-eyes or stupid, whatever is offensive to the person in question. You need to understand that other peoples malicious comments are not in any way relevant to you, and you don't need to take them into account, its as simple as that.
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koan
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Post by koan »

Novelty wrote: Not the way you talk tho, change your stlye perhaps but only for yourself not for others, overwise what will you have left, someone even more unhappy, in the long run anyways........


"the way I talk"?

I merely asked the poster why he thinks people think he is gay? It is empowering to find the source of a problem and think of ways one can change the situation. And it is being presented as a problem. Otherwise, by all means, carry on. But if he can't just ignore it then a different approach needs to be found.
Supersilly@rse
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Why does everyone think im GAY?

Post by Supersilly@rse »

T&T wrote: Hi,

Firstly, when i was about 23, i was working for Eurotunnel, and on a company day out, a load of people there started saying i was gay (they were all drunk), and it all got abit nasty to be honest.


HELLO???? At WORK????? I don't know which country you're from sweetie, but if it's the UK (or the like) then you are very heavily protected against this sort of nonsense!

Honestly!!! I'm boiling just reading this!!!! This is bullying, plain and simple - and why do people bully, because they want to disguise their own FEARS and INADEQUACIES!!!

Next time it happens, instead of getting mad, try asking them if they know that it's a form of bullying - and if they laugh, then tell them with a deadly straight face that their comments make you feel depressed and unhappy. Turn it around on them, simply ask them if they know why they insist on doing this???
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DesignerGal
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Why does everyone think im GAY?

Post by DesignerGal »

Tell them you are simpy metrosexual.

And if someone assumes orr asks if you're gay, simply reply, "What would give you that impression? Because I dress nice?"

THat will usually embarass someone and shut them up






HBIC
koan
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Post by koan »

Novelty wrote: I think it would be best not to ignore it Koan, do you think he should face it head on? it would be nice if he would come back and reply and see that people want to help.


I had a hunch when I read the OP that there was something obvious being left out. My first thought was that he is talking with a lisp and feminine voice, hence my first suggestion.

I think there has been a response in the other thread with the same title. I'm wondering if the two will eventually be merged.
T&T
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Why does everyone think im GAY?

Post by T&T »

As far as im concerned i dont talk softly or anything, the main problem is my hang-up on the subject. Ive had a fair bit of crap over it throughtout the years (most of it negative), and its just given me a complex about it. I'll give you an example of the kind of s**t that really winds me up:

Im in the gym last month lifting weights and theres a couple of blokes that i recognise from the town walk in. Im minding my own business and hear one of them quite clearly turn to his mate and say "Back against the wall, that blokes queer!". I could see through the mirror that is was aimed at me, and it totally pissed me off. It wasnt loud or anything and your not sure how to act sometimes in those situations, did i hear it right? did they say that? and they can get imprinted on your mind, as ive had quite a few instances like that over the years.

Anyway, i suppose theres just alot of complete numb nuts out there and thats all there is to it!



Thanks again for your advice
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Nomad
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Post by Nomad »

T&T wrote: As far as im concerned i dont talk softly or anything, the main problem is my hang-up on the subject. Ive had a fair bit of crap over it throughtout the years (most of it negative), and its just given me a complex about it. I'll give you an example of the kind of s**t that really winds me up:



Im in the gym last month lifting weights and theres a couple of blokes that i recognise from the town walk in. Im minding my own business and hear one of them quite clearly turn to his mate and say "Back against the wall, that blokes queer!". I could see through the mirror that is was aimed at me, and it totally pissed me off. It wasnt loud or anything and your not sure how to act sometimes in those situations, did i hear it right? did they say that? and they can get imprinted on your mind, as ive had quite a few instances like that over the years.



Anyway, i suppose theres just alot of complete numb nuts out there and thats all there is to it!



Thanks again for your advice




Wow man this is tough. Would it help to remind yourself over and over that some people just never evolve ? Some minds never seem to grasp the big picture and in their own little unfortunate world they are probably incapable of being anything other than small. You know some people just need to get out, break out and start new. People do leave home in search of intelligence or careers or whatever it is that gets you revved up.
I AM AWESOME MAN
T&T
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Why does everyone think im GAY?

Post by T&T »

Galbally wrote: I think you should look at it from a self-confidence perspective, its pretty common amoungst men to mock one another by claiming that they are gay or sissy etc etc. Firstly you should examine why such insults affect you so negatively, its common to feel isolated or be depressed by such taunts, so don't beat yourself up over that. You probably don't feel self-confident about yourself in front of groups like the ones you describe and you should try to assert yourself more forcefully (without being or causing physical confrontation). The bottom line is that you don't have to justify yourself to anyone as a straight person anymore than a gay person has to justify what they are. I would say the labels they are using are irrelevant, its just that that one seems to get to you (most men for whatever reason don't take kindly to being called gay if they are straight after all), but if it wasn;t that it might be getting called fat, or bald, or 4-eyes or stupid, whatever is offensive to the person in question. You need to understand that other peoples malicious comments are not in any way relevant to you, and you don't need to take them into account, its as simple as that.


Thanks for your reply, you make alot of sense. After using various message boards and forums, this problem does seem to go on quite a bit, and I was actually shocked to hear so many blokes reply saying that they’ve encounted being called “gay” before, or had people think that were “gay” etc, and the word “metrosexual” keeps coming up also. I’ve just built up a huge anxiety and paranoia problem over the subject, to the point that the first thing I think of when I meet new people is if they think I’m gay or look gay!

I suppose I’ve just got to get a grip and not care what people think, and turn these feelings positive rather than negative, as there are many people with a lot greater problems out there than being thought of as gay!
OzBoy
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Why does everyone think im GAY?

Post by OzBoy »

Hey matey,

Your post hit a raw nerve as I have experienced a similiar social blight most of my adult life. Unfortunatley unlike yourself I was blessed with what some people perceive as effeminate qualities i.e voice etc even though I am 100% hetrosexual and can play football, drink a beer and leer at unsuspecting women with the best of the boys it seems that once one is steretyped it can be extremely difficult to shake. I too have had many emotional outburts where I have been blatantly harrassed and insulted due to a persons assumption of my sexuality and I have reacted badly. I have learnt a few important life skills having this supposed social infliction that I hope you think about. Firstly I have learnt to respect and appreciate a person who has the courtesy too ask before assuming if they feel it necessary, secondly you should ask yourself why is this person asking? Is it for their own satisfaction, genuine interest in yourself as a platonic friend or an opportunity to make you feel uncomfortable in front of others. I can assure you time has taught me that this can be a valuable social tool in helping to surround yourself with genuine, sincere trusting friends. It has taken many years and alot of soul serching to develop coping skills that I take with me everywhere. Its a shame that people need to catergorise you to make themselves feel more comfortable about - themselves!!! I add to my woes apparently (so my family say)by choosing to be a single 30 year old without any serious long term past relationships for most of my adult life, I love being single, have no desire to settle down and am currently travelling the world without the hassels of relationships, kids etc. I also dont run around yelling from the nearest bar about each and every casual, safe sexual encounter I do have with women I haev met. This lifestyle choice sometimes makes people around you feel uncomfortable. If they dont understand your choices in life they start trying to find a reason for your individuality and I have learnt to recognise that and take it with a grain of salt its how they approach it that counts too me. Otherwise you may have already found that trying to prove yourself, explain your life choices or fight the insinuations can and will consume your life, your social life will suffer, you will develop a sincere resentment towards people around you and will become instantly defensive, paranoid, accusing and for what??? Hopefully one day people in our society will start a conversation about an issue that really matters, who we sleep with shouldn't come into the equation at all should it.

Anyway sorry to get a bit deep there just remember that you owe no one nothing and no one friend or foe has the right to make you feel inferior, disrespected or underserving of comman human courtesy, one day you will walk past one of those wankers from the gym with a beautiful woman on your arm who you love and respect and they will be standing there with wilted muscles a puny dick and their dumbells as their friends, its all about karma.

All the best met.:)
T&T
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Why does everyone think im GAY?

Post by T&T »

OzBoy wrote: Hey matey,

Your post hit a raw nerve as I have experienced a similiar social blight most of my adult life. Unfortunatley unlike yourself I was blessed with what some people perceive as effeminate qualities i.e voice etc even though I am 100% hetrosexual and can play football, drink a beer and leer at unsuspecting women with the best of the boys it seems that once one is steretyped it can be extremely difficult to shake. I too have had many emotional outburts where I have been blatantly harrassed and insulted due to a persons assumption of my sexuality and I have reacted badly. I have learnt a few important life skills having this supposed social infliction that I hope you think about. Firstly I have learnt to respect and appreciate a person who has the courtesy too ask before assuming if they feel it necessary, secondly you should ask yourself why is this person asking? Is it for their own satisfaction, genuine interest in yourself as a platonic friend or an opportunity to make you feel uncomfortable in front of others. I can assure you time has taught me that this can be a valuable social tool in helping to surround yourself with genuine, sincere trusting friends. It has taken many years and alot of soul serching to develop coping skills that I take with me everywhere. Its a shame that people need to catergorise you to make themselves feel more comfortable about - themselves!!! I add to my woes apparently (so my family say)by choosing to be a single 30 year old without any serious long term past relationships for most of my adult life, I love being single, have no desire to settle down and am currently travelling the world without the hassels of relationships, kids etc. I also dont run around yelling from the nearest bar about each and every casual, safe sexual encounter I do have with women I haev met. This lifestyle choice sometimes makes people around you feel uncomfortable. If they dont understand your choices in life they start trying to find a reason for your individuality and I have learnt to recognise that and take it with a grain of salt its how they approach it that counts too me. Otherwise you may have already found that trying to prove yourself, explain your life choices or fight the insinuations can and will consume your life, your social life will suffer, you will develop a sincere resentment towards people around you and will become instantly defensive, paranoid, accusing and for what??? Hopefully one day people in our society will start a conversation about an issue that really matters, who we sleep with shouldn't come into the equation at all should it.

Anyway sorry to get a bit deep there just remember that you owe no one nothing and no one friend or foe has the right to make you feel inferior, disrespected or underserving of comman human courtesy, one day you will walk past one of those wankers from the gym with a beautiful woman on your arm who you love and respect and they will be standing there with wilted muscles a puny dick and their dumbells as their friends, its all about karma.

All the best met.:)


Many thanks for your reply mate, its strangely comforting when you hear that others have had similiar experiences, as you tend to feel that your problems are unique in some way, but they certainly dont seem to be. It really helps talking on these forums, they've helped me alot.

There just seems to be a fixation on the word "gay" in the todays society, especially with blokes. If you wear nice clothes - your gay, if you go to the gym - you must be gay, if you take care of your diet - your gay, and so and so, it drives me mad!!!

My main problem is where i live - a very small and clicky town. After a few paranoid episodes where i thought people were saying i was gay etc, ive managed to really enhance the rumours around the town, which doesnt help! But im thinking anyway, as i really hate living here, its full of complete idiots, and mud really seems to stick in these type of places, and rumours travel at the speed of sound!

All the best mate and thanks again!
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High Threshold
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Why does everyone think im GAY?

Post by High Threshold »

T&T;418087 wrote: Hi all,

Now i know this will seem silly to some people, but i just need someone to talk to about it. Ive suffered rumours about my sexuality for years now and its taken its toll and had quite a negative impact on my life (im in my early 30,s). Im 100% hetrosexual, and have nothing against people who are gay, but ive just had so much crap through this, thats left me paranoid and depressed. I had taunts and cloaked gay comments for so long that ive got somekind a paranoid depression over the subject. Ive reacted badly on a few occasions, when ive thought people were saying im gay (when they werent) and this has fueled the rumours even more (i live in very small, clicky town!). I dont act camp at all, or dress in tight clothes etc, but i still seem to get labelled as gay!...It does my head in!!! I know i shouldnt care what people say or think, but thats easier said than done, ive even had comments off my own bl**dy family! It just gets to be that people are constantly trying to label others in some way or another, and people can be quite nasty with thier comments at times.

I think my main problem is that i look at being thought of as "Gay" as some kind of attack on my masculinity or something. This is pathetic i know, but its true, and also people can be quite horrible at times and i absolutely HATE the little behind-the-back remarks and cloaked comments, but i suppose thats just how some people are.



Thanks for listening...


There's a new acronym in town: S.S.A. Give it some consideration. If it fits, wear it. If it doesn't, at least you'll have something to beat them over the head with.

You know, it isn't easy for us either. We see some bloke who clearly has a feminine quality. So we make assumptions. Too bad we can't keep our mouths shut. :lips: Why it is that we "have to know" is beyond me, but there it is. Perhaps we don't want to seem homophobic so we make what we think is a liberal comment only to get our head kicked in for "making assumptions".

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FourPart
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Why does everyone think im GAY?

Post by FourPart »

Would that it were so simple.

Unfortunately, as with everything to do with people, there is rarely anything with simple Binary, On or Off values. I am of the school that believes that there is no such thing as Gay or Straight, only varying degrees along a sliding scale of Bi. At one end you get the Ultra Hetro Sex Drive, then at the other there is the Ultra Gay, who finds the whole idea of Hetrosexuality repulsive. As we all know extremes such as this are very few & far between.

Personally, I am about 75% Bi, with a preference towards being Straight, although by no means being entirely so. There was a time when I found this whole concept confusing & worrying, but then I learned to understand more of the intricacies of sexuality was able to accept things as they are.

You say you are 100% Straight. I very much doubt it, as very few people are. Neither are they 100% Gay. It's all one of Nature's little jokes.
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High Threshold
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Post by High Threshold »

FourPart;1477087 wrote: ..... I am of the school that believes that there is no such thing as Gay or Straight, only varying degrees along a sliding scale of Bi. At one end you get the Ultra Hetro Sex Drive, then at the other there is the Ultra Gay, who finds the whole idea of Hetrosexuality repulsive. As we all know extremes such as this are very few & far between....
You're not being entirely honest. If you were you'd have said,

«At one end you get the Ultra Hetro who finds the whole idea of Hemosexuality repulsive, ...

... then at the other there is ...

the Ultra Gay, who finds the whole idea of Hetrosexuality repulsive.»
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FourPart
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Why does everyone think im GAY?

Post by FourPart »

High Threshold;1477093 wrote: You're not being entirely honest. If you were you'd have said,

«At one end you get the Ultra Hetro who finds the whole idea of Hemosexuality repulsive, ...

... then at the other there is ...

the Ultra Gay, who finds the whole idea of Hetrosexuality repulsive.»


Slight omission, perhaps, but still holds true.
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Vera
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Why does everyone think im GAY?

Post by Vera »

May be you should just to go out with somebody
gmc
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Post by gmc »

Why do you care what peoiple you don't like and aren't your friends think?

It's a given that the most outspoken anti-gay individuakls are often closet gays - see ted hagard et al. Try No I'm not gay but it's OK I don't mind if you are and I hope you find boyfriend soon.

Everybody gets called gay at some point it's a way for the inadequate to get at people they realise aren't overly impressed by them or they feel intimidated by in some way usuallyto do with intelligence.

It's worse if you're female I think don't have a boyfriend you must be a lesbian go out with more than one and you're a slut.
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tazzy
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Why does everyone think im GAY?

Post by tazzy »

do not listen to what others say just be yourself enjoy life
Mark Aspam
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Post by Mark Aspam »

Couldn't imagine why I hadn't seen this thread before, now I see that it originated two years before I joined up and has pretty much lain fallow ever since.

Ennyway, the solution is pretty simple. The next time someone does that, just slug 'em with your purse.
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Why does everyone think im GAY?

Post by LarsMac »

Mark Aspam;1496097 wrote: Couldn't imagine why I hadn't seen this thread before, now I see that it originated two years before I joined up and has pretty much lain fallow ever since.

Ennyway, the solution is pretty simple. The next time someone does that, just slug 'em with your purse.


More like Ten years ago. Then brought out of the depths last year, for a brief spell.
The home of the soul is the Open Road.
- DH Lawrence
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