What Is It With People?

theia · Post by **theia** » Sun Oct 01, 2006 11:54 pm

helefra wrote: I was helping out with the volunteer group and giving people assistance and advice the other day. There was one woman who said that her problem was her partner is always cheating on her. When she was shown a solution, she didn't want to know and accepted that nothing could be done about it.:-5 Why is it that people see these problems but they just carry on with life accepting that that is the way it is. With wife swapping and everything else that goes on today - what is happening to our society? Would you stay in a relationship that was sh**t and accept it for what it is? I know I wouldn't.

Actually, H, I think a lot of us don't accept advice until we feel ready to accept it. It's good to feel supported and to hear other people's opinions on our problems but unless their advice in some way resonates with what we feel deep inside, we don't act on it, however sound it might be.

I surprised myself a few years ago by staying far longer in a difficut relationship than I ever imagined I would. But when the time was "right" for me I got out of it.

Post by **Betty Boop** » Mon Oct 02, 2006 12:05 am

theia wrote: Actually, H, I think a lot of us don't accept advice until we feel ready to accept it. It's good to feel supported and to hear other people's opinions on our problems but unless their advice in some way resonates with what we feel deep inside, we don't act on it, however sound it might be.

I surprised myself a few years ago by staying far longer in a difficut relationship than I ever imagined I would. But when the time was "right" for me I got out of it.

Wise woman! :-4 Until people are ready to make the change they won't.

Rapunzel · Post by **Rapunzel** » Mon Oct 02, 2006 12:53 am

I used to do a similar job to yours, helefra, and I agree with Theia and Betty. We were taught that people usually have to hit rock bottom before they can start to help themselves. They used to compare it to a well. You can go down the well - and know you're going down it, but it's not til you reach rock bottom that you realise how far down you've actually gone! And thats when you realise you need help to climb out.

cherandbuster · Post by **cherandbuster** » Mon Oct 02, 2006 1:29 am

All these replies are so *wise* that I truly have nothing to add

Nice job, FG ladies! :-6

venus · Post by **venus** » Mon Oct 02, 2006 2:22 am

I think some people would rather remain in a crappy relationship than risk going it alone..

Post by **Betty Boop** » Mon Oct 02, 2006 2:38 am

You can advise someone as much as you like, as Rapunzel said you have to hit rock bottom before you take action.

Generally when there is a dominating man involved they belittle you so much you feel you can't cope on your own, eventually you come to realise that in actual fact you are doing everything alone, that grows and builds until the person can find the strength to get out.

I know plenty of people that are in bad relationships, I could advise them every day of the week but I don't. I just tell them I'm here, for anything, to talk, a safe haven, anything and I'm there for them. I know what it's like, the law is an ass in protecting women from abusers be it physical or mental.:-5

weeder · Post by **weeder** » Mon Oct 02, 2006 3:01 am

Years ago I belonged to a therapy group called SOA. It was Spouse of alcoholics. We were 7 women. I participated for 2 years. That group was instrumental in preparing me to leave my marriage of 14 years with an alcoholic husband. In the beginning, I was the only one there whose intent was to " get out" The others were there to learn how to cope and stay.

I determined that they were all a bunch of cowardly wimps.... and I couldnt understand their accepting to go on living that way. I came to learn, by "listening" that each and every one of them was actually quite brave. I also grew to love them. Their marriages and their homes and their posessions meant so much to them that they just could not give up the hope that things would change, When I did " get out" and started to learn just how difficult this life choice was, I respected them even more. It takes a tremendous amount of physical mental and emmotional strength to leave the confines of what is familiar. It takes a very long time to prepare and make the decision to go. Not many people have that strength. I have many women friends who have had the courage to get out of bad marriages and relationships. The price we payed was lives structured by daily and relentless hard work, financial loss, and major life changes for our children. The desire to leave a relationship has to be based on much more than the hope of finding someone else, because the chances of that happening are slim. Without education, income, support, good health, and tremendous strength, women know what they are going to be facing. To jump off that cliff is very frightening, and being pushed is not an option.

Rapunzel · Post by **Rapunzel** » Mon Oct 02, 2006 3:19 am

weeder wrote: Years ago I belonged to a therapy group called SOA. It was Spouse of alcoholics. We were 7 women. I participated for 2 years. That group was instrumental in preparing me to leave my marriage of 14 years with an alcoholic husband. In the beginning, I was the only one there whose intent was to " get out" The others were there to learn how to cope and stay.

I determined that they were all a bunch of cowardly wimps.... and I couldnt understand their accepting to go on living that way. I came to learn, by "listening" that each and every one of them was actually quite brave. I also grew to love them. Their marriages and their homes and their posessions meant so much to them that they just could not give up the hope that things would change, When I did " get out" and started to learn just how difficult this life choice was, I respected them even more. It takes a tremendous amount of physical mental and emmotional strength to leave the confines of what is familiar. It takes a very long time to prepare and make the decision to go. Not many people have that strength. I have many women friends who have had the courage to get out of bad marriages and relationships. The price we payed was lives structured by daily and relentless hard work, financial loss, and major life changes for our children. The desire to leave a relationship has to be based on much more than the hope of finding someone else, because the chances of that happening are slim. Without education, income, support, good health, and tremendous strength, women know what they are going to be facing. To jump off that cliff is very frightening, and being pushed is not an option.

Thats why I like this countrys system of 'Income Support'. I know too many people rip it off and complain about it and the government would like to be rid of it, but at least you can get help when you need it and not be left on the streets!

Two of my friends lived with abusive alcoholic husbands and left them. One packed and took her kids to her mothers, the other was kicked out with their daughters and only the clothes on their backs. But Income Support gave them money for food and a flat each. The flats were in a state and they each had to decorate, but they were given a little money for that too.

In America, although I know you have welfare funding, it seems very hard to get and single mothers have to leave their kids and work all hours or so it seems. God knows what they do in school holidays or when their children are sick! At least in the UK you CAN leave a bad relationship and know you'll be helped not left to sleep on the streets or in shelters.

woppy71 · Post by **woppy71** » Mon Oct 02, 2006 3:55 am

Quite often I think people are afraid of change. People are resistant to change because people have a fear of the unknown. It's just a normal human reaction, just imagine in your minds eye you can see a child at a playground for the first time. It's parents encourage the child to go onto the slide.

Naturally enough, what you usually see is hesitancy, a few tears, because the child is unsure, frightened of this new thing. Naturally enough, she would like to go play in the sand pit, "I've done this before, I know what to ecpect"

I think that this "reaction" in some people gets stronger as they get older, because they have a greater understanding of the outcome or consequences and they are fearfull of this. Change sometimes takes a great deal of bravery.

People are often resistant to advice because it often implies change. Some people just want attention or a reason to confirm what they believe.

A typical example of fear of change is a person who is in a destructive relationship. They wan't to get out, but how will their partner react? Violence?

Often, gentle understanding, explanation of options or facts are the only thing that a person needs. Advice can sometimes be linked strongly to the givers own opnions and thoughts, which might not be best for the person concerned, as we are all different.

I don't mean to sound clinical, just trying to give my take on the subject. I have often stayed in a particular situation when I know I should make changes, but I am often fearfull of the unknown. I'm quite a scaredy cat some times.:-3

weber · Post by **weber** » Mon Oct 02, 2006 4:11 am

I like your take on it Woppy

That is how I lived. Afraid to leave. Where to go? How to get there? Would it be worse?.....no, it couldn't have been, but I didn't know then. What do I do when I get there, somewhere? I'm dependent no matter where I go. Oh what will I do, I guess I'll just stay here, I am used to this. So bad decision but it made me what I am today, and I love what, who I am today.:guitarist

Peg · Post by **Peg** » Mon Oct 02, 2006 4:15 am

What can I say that hasn't been said here? Lots of great replies. I can only tell you why I stayed in an abusive relationship for 3 1/2 years. Fear. Fear of change, fear of the unknown, fear of what he'd do when I left. All the advice in the world would not have made me leave any sooner. I just had to get to that point where enough was enough. Things were going better between us and I couldn't live waiting for the shoe to drop again. I knew he'd eventually kill me, or I'd kill him in self defense. I also knew I didn't want to die so I got out. It's a decision noone can force you into. You could have handed me all the answers and I would have found something wrong with every one of them. I was my own worse enemy as far as finding obstacles to keep me there. I have a friend who keeps taking her abusive b/f back. I've offered her a place to stay, etc. It's frustrating as hell to watch her continue to take him back and go through this over and over, not to mention how my heart breaks for her kids to see mom being abused. As frustrated as I get, I know only she can decide when enough is enough. I just hope it's before it's too late for her.

cherandbuster · Post by **cherandbuster** » Mon Oct 02, 2006 6:33 am

weeder wrote: The desire to leave a relationship has to be based on much more than the hope of finding someone else, because the chances of that happening are slim.

I always say about my first marriage:

I jumped ship *not* because I had a lifeboat waiting

but because I was simply on the wrong ship

AnswerMe · Post by **AnswerMe** » Mon Oct 02, 2006 7:53 am

I think the main fear people have is lonliness..

After being use to having someone around, its a scary thing to lose that..

So people put up with **** because of their own insecurities.

zinkyusa · Post by **zinkyusa** » Mon Oct 02, 2006 8:05 am

My first wife had a drinking problem, but she divorced it...

woppy71 · Post by **woppy71** » Mon Oct 02, 2006 8:08 am

zinkyusa wrote: My first wife had a drinking problem, but she divorced it...

:wah: