Is there life after the death of a relationship?

Post by **Betty Boop** » Sat Sep 30, 2006 10:44 am

I think I know what you're trying to say Floppy.

It's scary letting someone into your life and I always seem to attract the ones with problems which in the long run actually require a lot of my time and energy. The problem is, you get involved with someone and just can't seem to stop yourself. Is this just the type of person we are. Is it actually possible to change this?

Sad and alone? Why sad Floppy, the time after I left my husband I was so glad to be on my own, the freedom was exhilerating, have you not felt that at all?

Marie5656 · Post by **Marie5656** » Sat Sep 30, 2006 10:54 am

If you are asking can life go on....I say only if you are willing to let it go on, and now "wallow" in the death of the prior relationship.

I mean, I am n ot a real relationship expert, having not been in alot. But I can remember being in a long term (for me at least..about 3 years) on again, off again relationship with a guy who did not care about me the way I cared about him. When I came to the realization I was holding onto nothing, and walked away, it took me a long time to move on.

I know what you mean about always wanting to fix what is broken. Are you afraid to get attached for fear that YOU may be the one who is broken?

This man you are corresponding with seems to be down, but far from broken. At least from what little you have told us.

I have seen people who have lost a partner to death, seem to stop and become "professional" widows/ or widowers. I have a cousin who's husband died suddenly at the age of 43. As far as I know she has never dated, or made any move to move on. And her husband has been gone for 20 years!

I guess you have to look inward and ask why you feel the need to move on once the b roken has been fixed?

Post by **Betty Boop** » Sat Sep 30, 2006 10:59 am

flopstock wrote: I have always given the impression that I can handle things, so it's never occurred to anyone that I couldn't. And if they couldn't be bothered to 'know' that I was in need, I've always felt that they didn't really look closely enough and so were not entitled to be told of my need.

Whoa, thats me! :-2

cherandbuster · Post by **cherandbuster** » Sat Sep 30, 2006 10:59 am

Hiya Floops :-4

You remind me of some aspects of my own personality -- I call myself "Best Supporting Actress". I *like* to fix, help, support, make better, build up -- other people in my life. It's very difficult for me to *accept* the assistance of others.

In a love relationship, we all achieve satisfaction from playing a certain role. We *all* play roles in life. And this is the one at which you've become exceptional. You truly excel at it. Take, for example, how you've handled our dear Criss through her terrible ordeal..

It's hard to let someone 'in', to let someone try to help/build up/support YOU. It's a risk, Floppy, but oh it can be such a joy! It doesn't mean you are needy. It just means you are human.

LET someone in. LET someone help you to be the best you can be. LET someone be the love of your life.

Whaddaya say, sweets? :-6

Post by **Betty Boop** » Sat Sep 30, 2006 11:15 am

flopstock wrote: Tell me about it! I always say that when I read you...Scary aint it, sister?:wah:

It is a bit!! :wah:

I'm actually beginning to resent being 'strong' I want to throw all my toys out the pram and have a real paddy!

Post by **Betty Boop** » Sat Sep 30, 2006 11:19 am

Pinky wrote: Throwing a really good mardy every now and again is a real release!

Go on mate, you can even stamp your feet, lol!

Shall I try that later in the RL pub!! :wah:

Post by **Betty Boop** » Sat Sep 30, 2006 11:21 am

Pinky wrote: Dare ya!:sneaky:

Yeah and when the policeman comes along I'll offer to hold his helmet eh??? Pinky style! :sneaky: :wah:

guppy · Post by **guppy** » Sat Sep 30, 2006 11:29 am

Betty Boop wrote: It is a bit!! :wah:

I'm actually beginning to resent being 'strong' I want to throw all my toys out the pram and have a real paddy!

then do it. people wont know how you really feel untill you first tell them, and then probably SHOW them.

Post by **Betty Boop** » Sat Sep 30, 2006 11:45 am

Ditto Pink and Hammy, and if Criss were here she'd be jumping in to tell you not to back off!

Post by **Betty Boop** » Sat Sep 30, 2006 11:46 am

flopstock wrote: And as a side note... I always feel like I am letting down the team when I post serious crap in here. As if folks are looking for the fun and friviolous Flop, that it's not quite right not to be the lighthearted person that they seem to need me to be...expect me to be when they open these threads.

I guess that's just tough nuts for them. They will just have to live with me being upbeat and perky only 90% of the time...:p

Nobody actually 'Needs' you to be anything!! Just be yourself! :p

cherandbuster · Post by **cherandbuster** » Sat Sep 30, 2006 12:14 pm

flopstock wrote: Leave before someone realizes that they just needed you for a time.

I don't like folks much. I've never really mastered the liking thing... it's generally either that I could care less or they become part of my heart. And most folks are just looking for a casual friendly person, not taking on the responsibility of having a piece of their heart. So I leave before they are burdened with the knowledge of just what they have..

O.K. Floops, let's take this one by one:

1) Are you saying that it's easier for you to leave *before* someone rejects you or simply doesn't need you any more? My dear Floops, you assume that people don't need you -- that once their 'problem' is solved, you'd better take off *before* they just leave you there. It seems you feel that rejection is inevitable. So, in the guise of self-protection, you pull away before someone can pull away from you. It's risky to stay -- but the rewards can be so great. You *may* just realize that people *want* you around. But you'll never really know that, will you?

2) What makes you think that most people just want you 'light and airy' and not on a deeper, more emotional level? It's almost like you come with an 'expiration date' -- you're good until a certain time, and then it's off to fix another one! What if you stayed? What if you felt -- and enjoyed -- the give and THE TAKE of friendships and relationships? Scary, huh?

3) You seem to feel that you are 'burden' to others -- that if people stick around and *really* get to know you, well, will they EVER be disappointed! You seem to think you're some sort of booby prize. Guess what? People LIKE you. People NEED you. People LOVE you. But those people don't have any expectations of you. We love you because of what you are made of. You are valuable to others and you are *worthy* of being loved and cherished by them, too.

OpenMind · Post by **OpenMind** » Sat Sep 30, 2006 12:17 pm

flopstock wrote: Oh, I know what was broken in me. And I was left to fend for myself to become whole again. So, I know that I feel the need to be there for others because no one has ever really been there when I needed it. That's not self pity either, just a fact of my life. I have always given the impression that I can handle things, so it's never occurred to anyone that I couldn't. And if they couldn't be bothered to 'know' that I was in need, I've always felt that they didn't really look closely enough and so were not entitled to be told of my need. Because I always try to look close enough if I think someone may be in 'need'.

How convoluted is that?:D

Floppy. So you know what's broke. But you haven't actually fixed it, have you. Instead, you are hiding it and making it harder for others to find it. You have wound a complicated shroud around your personal feelings.

You need to unwind that shroud so that the next person you really like can see it and respond to it. Hammy is right about relationships. What we see in others is a reflection of what we see in ourselves. Loving others begins with loving yourself. You cannot love anyone more than you love yourself. By denying yourself, you are not loving yourself. Don't be afraid to let people see you for what you really are because you are a star. A Flopstar.:-6

Lulu2 · Post by **Lulu2** » Sat Sep 30, 2006 12:39 pm

Floppy, I don't know you nearly as well as many of your friends here, but much of what you say resonates with me, too.

Isn't it tempting to be critical of ourselves when, in fact, our problems are the same problems shared secretly by just about everyone we know?

Couldn't it be possible that, as an empathetic, warm, caring person, you're always going to be drawn to folks that are needy? (You're nodding your head now...I can see you.) And isn't it just possible that people still want your friendship, your sense of humor, your uniqueness AFTER those problems are solved? (Yes, they do!)

It's scary to consider how vulnerable we ALL are in life and it takes courage to get up & move on & open our hearts. Sometimes we can do it and other times we can't be bothered. Sometimes, we think it's just not worth it, don't we?

I wish I had great words of wisdom for you....but, aside from the fact that we've all wrestled with these same issues (don't argue with me...WE HAVE ALL WRESTLED WITH THESE SAME ISSUES,) I've only got one thing to add.

It seems to me there're two major dilemmas in life. The hardest thing is knowing what you're willing to "settle for." If you can figure that one out, you're able to act. The wisest man I've ever known once said to me that the hardest dilemma is taking that first step. He said, "if you don't know what to do ... don't do anything. Because something inside you will know when the time's right to act. THEN you'll listen and then you'll pick up your feet and move."

It's easy to see that you're a terrific person, Flopster! Don't be too eager to beat up on our friend (that'd be YOU.) Ok?

Accountable · Post by **Accountable** » Sat Sep 30, 2006 3:11 pm

flopstock wrote: Criss is a prime example of the way I live relationships. i really liked those two kids when I first joined here and started reading them. they were everything you could want in a relationship between two people. It made you like and care for them. Believe in them.

So, when given the choice of staying home where I was most comfortable or going to their reception at a bad moment in their lives, I chose to go and show that I really do believe in them, through thick and thin..ya know? Because I felt they needed to be shown that they were believed in, especially now. But the reality is.. they don't need my friendship.. they have tons of real life friends who care for them, want to protect them. I bet i talked to folks for 15 minutes total, the whole time I was there. I just sat back, watched and then left. That's me in a nutshell. I came back here and we resumed being friendly acquaintances on here. I did not intrude. I backed away and focused on Matt's need.

But there is no doubt in my mind, when she is well and he is free to be with her... I'll back further and further away. It is my nature. Leave before someone realizes that they just needed you for a time.

I don't like folks much. I've never really mastered the liking thing... it's generally either that I could care less or they become part of my heart. And most folks are just looking for a casual friendly person, not taking on the responsibility of having a piece of their heart. So I leave before they are burdened with the knowledge of just what they have..I've watched that in others. It's rough to give more than they're ready to accept. It's like the spigot control is broken - full on or full off. I envy you for being able to turn it full on. :-4 It's better than me. I don't think I've ever truly been full on.

Accountable · Post by **Accountable** » Sat Sep 30, 2006 3:14 pm

flopstock wrote: And as a side note... I always feel like I am letting down the team when I post serious crap in here. As if folks are looking for the fun and friviolous Flop, that it's not quite right not to be the lighthearted person that they seem to need me to be...expect me to be when they open these threads.

I guess that's just tough nuts for them. They will just have to live with me being upbeat and perky only 90% of the time...:pGood! And if anybody chastises you for being you, well ... let me have what's left over when you finish with 'em.

Peg · Post by **Peg** » Sat Sep 30, 2006 3:45 pm

flopstock wrote:

I'm just afraid that my weakness of taking care of people, could come back to haunt me here. I am a sap for the 'broken' in life. i want to make it better, then when it appears to be better... I move on, to the next thing broken...
You are already thinking about a relationship with a person you haven't even met yet? If and when you do meet, you have already doomed the possibility of a lasting relationship before it's even begun. Does he feel broken or do you just perceive him this way?

Uncle Kram · Post by **Uncle Kram** » Sat Sep 30, 2006 4:23 pm

Pinky wrote: YEAH!!!

There's more than one side to all of us mate...I know what you mean, I always feel like such a muppet after I've posted something personal. This place has been good for me though - I've discovered that people still like ya when you're serious, even though they might be more used to you being fun!
I know what you mean. That's one of the things I like about this forum. Most of my posts are serious and pensive, yet I still feel accepted when I make the occasional frivolous comment

OpenMind · Post by **OpenMind** » Sat Sep 30, 2006 4:37 pm

Uncle Kram wrote: I know what you mean. That's one of the things I like about this forum. Most of my posts are serious and pensive, yet I still feel accepted when I make the occasional frivolous comment

Yeah.:-6

Uncle Kram · Post by **Uncle Kram** » Sat Sep 30, 2006 4:49 pm

flopstock wrote: yeah allrighty then... that is one of the main reasons i always look for your posts... so thought provoking..in an analytical and brainiac kind of way...

At last...recognition of my work

Peg · Post by **Peg** » Sat Sep 30, 2006 4:59 pm

flopstock wrote:

And his kids are all encouraging him to get out there and 'go for it' again. That's a great support system to have behind you, but the guy has to be confused and hurting right now...
Have you asked him what he wants? There's a difference between them supporting him and them trying to get him to do something he doesn't want to do.

Lulu2 · Post by **Lulu2** » Sat Sep 30, 2006 8:38 pm

I love YOUR spunkiness....and I love your spirit.

We can't begin a new relationship with someone else until we're "cool" with our PRIMARY relationship. That's the one we have with ourselves.

CARLA · Post by **CARLA** » Sat Sep 30, 2006 11:45 pm

And there yuu have it Floppy LULU2 said it well.

If you feel like getting out there again then do so. If you don't then maybe it isn't the right time for you.

He sound like a nice man for sure. Did I read correctly that he just lost his wife in June of this year. Might be a bit to soon for him, 33 years is a long time to be with one person.

Just take your time...:yh_whistl

[QUOTE]We can't begin a new relationship with someone else until we're "cool" with our PRIMARY relationship. That's the one we have with ourselves.[/QUOTE]

Carl44 · Post by **Carl44** » Sun Oct 01, 2006 12:38 am

suzy and i had this chat on friday she wanted me to know what she wanted done if she died she has been very ill and nearly died twice once she was only 10 minutes away

so i said if i were to die i'd want you just to get over me asap

meet somone else and try and be happy

of course i know i

ll be a hard act to follow

whats the chances of her meeting another guy wrong side of 40 with the brain of a 15 year old ?

Rapunzel · Post by **Rapunzel** » Sun Oct 01, 2006 12:58 am

jimbo wrote: whats the chances of her meeting another guy wrong side of 40 with the brain of a 15 year old ?

about 95%! :wah:

Had to be said!

Rapunzel · Post by **Rapunzel** » Sun Oct 01, 2006 1:16 am

flopstock wrote: And as a side note... I always feel like I am letting down the team when I post serious crap in here. As if folks are looking for the fun and friviolous Flop, that it's not quite right not to be the lighthearted person that they seem to need me to be...expect me to be when they open these threads.

I guess that's just tough nuts for them. They will just have to live with me being upbeat and perky only 90% of the time...

Not true! I post fun stuff and serious stuff. If someone was ALWAYS fun or ALWAYS serious they'd get to be too much of an effort to follow! We all have many facets to our personalities - how dull to just be one thing!

Personally I waffle too much - talk loadsa crap :p - but once I've posted it I never read it again so it doesn't bother me! :wah:

Also, I often read posts but don't comment, especially if what I want to say has already been said by someone else. It doesn't mean I don't feel for the writer or think highly of them. You're a wonderful person Floppy, and there are probably lots of people who think so too but also never say it too, but just because we don't say it doesn't mean it's not true.

Be who you are! Post what you want! I think people show their true inner selves far more on the internet than in real life, so maybe we see the 'real' you more than you think we do - and we love you MORE for it not less!

Big hugs sweetheart and chin up. Take it slow and easy with your man. You think he's a good and deserving person.....but we KNOW you are too!

Lulu2 · Post by **Lulu2** » Sun Oct 08, 2006 1:53 pm

Good luck, Flops! You told him something wise and appropriate. (Sorry about missing out on the "getting laid" part...but....stuff happens.) :rolleyes:

Uncle Kram · Post by **Uncle Kram** » Sun Oct 08, 2006 2:01 pm

Sounds like you see potential there though Floops