Women and Public Toilets!

Grumpaz · Post by **Grumpaz** » Wed Sep 20, 2006 7:17 pm

From a friend in England.. Hope you enjoy as much as I did.

When you have to visit a public lavatory, you usually find a queue of women so you smile politely and take your place. Once it's your turn, check for feet under the doors. Every loo is occupied except one. You get in to find the door won't latch. It doesn't matter, you're bursting.

The dispenser for the modern "seat covers" (invented by someone's mum, no doubt) is handy, but empty. You would hang your handbag on the door hook if there were one, but there isn't - - so you carefully, but quickly, drape it around your neck, (Mum would turn over in her grave if you put it on the FLOOR!) yank down your pants, and assume "The Stance."

In this position your aging, toneless thigh muscles begin to shake. You'd love to sit down, but you certainly hadn't taken time to wipe the seat or lay toilet paper on it, so you hold "The Stance."

To take your mind off your trembling thighs you reach for what you discover to be the EMPTY toilet paper dispenser. In your mind, you can hear your mum's voice saying, "Darling, if you had tried to clean the seat, you would have KNOWN there was no toilet paper!" Your thighs shake more.

You remember the tiny tissue from yesterday that you blew your nose on the one that's still in your handbag, that would have to do. You crumple it in the puffiest way possible thumbnail. Someone pushes open your stall door because the latch doesn't work. The door hits your handbag, which is hanging around your neck in front of your chest, and you and your handbag topple backward against the cistern of the toilet.

"OCCUPIED!" you scream, as you reach for the door dropping your precious tiny crumpled tissue in a puddle on the floor, lose your footing altogether, and slide down directly on the TOILET SEAT. It's wet - of course.

You bolt up knowing all too well that it's too late. Your bare bottom made contact with every imaginable germ and life form on the uncovered seat ("You just don't KNOW what kind of diseases you can get") because - YOU NEVER LAID DOWN TOILET PAPER - not that there was any even if you had taken time to try.

By this time, the automatic sensor on the back of the toilet is so confused that it flushes, propelling a stream of water like a fire-hose, that somehow sucks everything down with such force that you grab onto the toilet paper dispenser for fear of being dragged in too. At that point, you give up.

You are soaked from the spewing water and the wet toilet seat. You're exhausted. You try to wipe with a gum wrapper you found in your pocket and then slink out inconspicuously to the sinks.

Now you can't figure out how to operate the taps with the automatic sensor so you wipe your hands with spit and a dry paper towel and walk past the line of women, still waiting. You are no longer able to politely smile to them. A kind soul at the very end of the queue points out a piece of toilet paper trailing from your shoe. (Where was that when you NEEDED it??)

You yank the paper from your shoe, plunk it into the woman's hand and tell her warmly, "Here, you just might need this."

As you exit, you spot your hubby who has long since entered, used and left the men's lavatories. Annoyed, he asks, "What took you so long, and why is your handbag hanging around your neck?"

This is dedicated to women everywhere who have to deal with public toilets. It finally explains to the men really why it does take us so long. It also answers their other commonly asked question, why we go to the loo in pairs. It's so the other can hold the door, hang onto your handbag and hand you Kleenex under the door.

Lulu2 · Post by **Lulu2** » Wed Sep 20, 2006 7:35 pm

LOL...public toilets....don't get me started! There was that awful one in Istanbul, for example....:wah:

AussiePam · Post by **AussiePam** » Wed Sep 20, 2006 7:41 pm

I can relate to absolutely everything in that little exposé, Grumpaz !!! Have also dealt with the hole in the floor type loos, some unspeakable. The oddest place I found one of those was in Lausanne, Switzerland!! Unexpected there. Gimme a good gum tree to slip behind, any time. Or any kind of tree. I happily left my little mark on good clean forests all over the planet.

Lulu2 · Post by **Lulu2** » Wed Sep 20, 2006 7:54 pm

Me, too, A'P! I'd rather bring a little moisture to the desert any day, rather than use a pit toilet! :wah:

RedGlitter · Post by **RedGlitter** » Wed Sep 20, 2006 7:55 pm

Grumpaz wrote: You try to wipe with a gum wrapper you found in your pocket

:wah:

Lulu2 · Post by **Lulu2** » Wed Sep 20, 2006 7:58 pm

YUP! This TRUE story happened to a woman I know, a long time ago. She was going to the gynecologist for a routine check up, stopped to do some shopping, visited the womens' room and saw they had no toilet paper. She fished around in her purse and found an old tissue, used it and left.

When the doctor came into the examining room and removed the drape over her legs, he and his nurse began laughing hysterically. Seeing her bewilderment, the doctor reached down and peeled a BLUE CHIP SAVINGS STAMP off her butt!

CARLA · Post by **CARLA** » Wed Sep 20, 2006 8:07 pm

The first time I saw a hole in the floor was on a Ferry in Turkey, or was it Greece, well anyway it was awful.. I decided I would hold it till we got back on board the ship..:-3

Sheryl · Post by **Sheryl** » Wed Sep 20, 2006 11:11 pm

:wah: so true.

Rapunzel · Post by **Rapunzel** » Thu Sep 21, 2006 1:22 am

:wah: These are brilliant! :wah:

I always carry a couple of little packets of tissues in my bag - just in case the loos have none. They're also useful for snotty noses and mopping up spills! :wah:

weber · Post by **weber** » Thu Sep 21, 2006 6:30 am

Hey Grump

what were you doing in the lav with me. Man you saw everything that happened. I am soooooo embarrassed.:-1

sunny104 · Post by **sunny104** » Thu Sep 21, 2006 8:55 am

:wah:

ice maiden · Post by **ice maiden** » Sat Sep 23, 2006 3:43 am

:wah: so true

Uncle Kram · Post by **Uncle Kram** » Sat Sep 23, 2006 3:49 am

I would say that if you used the toilet and only had a gum wrapper, there would only be one thing to do. Fold the wrapper into a triangle. Then fold it again. Then once again. It's no good for wiping your bum, but the point is very useful for cleaning under your fingernails afterwards.

Post by **Betty Boop** » Sat Sep 23, 2006 3:53 am

Uncle Kram wrote: I would say that if you used the toilet and only had a gum wrapper, there would only be one thing to do. Fold the wrapper into a triangle. Then fold it again. Then once again. It's no good for wiping your bum, but the point is very useful for cleaning under your fingernails afterwards.

:eek: eeuugghh!!!

:yh_rotfl :yh_rotfl

ice maiden · Post by **ice maiden** » Sat Sep 23, 2006 3:56 am

Uncle Kram wrote: I would say that if you used the toilet and only had a gum wrapper, there would only be one thing to do. Fold the wrapper into a triangle. Then fold it again. Then once again. It's no good for wiping your bum, but the point is very useful for cleaning under your fingernails afterwards.

no :wah:

Lulu2 · Post by **Lulu2** » Sat Sep 23, 2006 8:40 pm

O, Avuncular One....I wanna' know how you KNOW this little technique.

Uncle Kram · Post by **Uncle Kram** » Sun Sep 24, 2006 1:18 am

Lulu2 wrote: O, Avuncular One....I wanna' know how you KNOW this little technique.

I stumbled across it in a book called "How to stop biting your nails"

Post by **spot** » Sun Sep 24, 2006 1:31 am

If more women wore socks these problems would be soluble. So now, if you ever see a guy walking round in shoes with only one sock showing, you'll know why.

Lulu2 · Post by **Lulu2** » Sun Sep 24, 2006 11:24 am

"I stumbled across it in a book called "How to stop biting your nails"

++++++++++ Curiously effective, too!

weber · Post by **weber** » Sun Sep 24, 2006 3:16 pm

I look forward to the time when all public washrooms have just bidets in them so you do your thing and "swoosh" all clean.

I wonder if we could figure out a way to screw that one up too.:wah: