How can I help?

Babies_Mama00 · Post by **Babies_Mama00** » Sun Sep 10, 2006 9:58 am

Yesterday my boyfriends Aunt was killed in a car accident out side of the city we live in. Her three children were in the car with her and they all survived. When we went to my boyfriends mothers house his grandmother and mom were both a complete mess, I know that I can not really do anything but I just dont know how to console people or what I should do to even help a little. His family loves me to death but now I feel extremely uncomfortable around them. Any idea how to I guess you could say break that ice?

cherandbuster · Post by **cherandbuster** » Sun Sep 10, 2006 10:00 am

Oh, I'm so sorry for your loss -- that is just terrible.

Erin, just being there is a wonderful thing. Try to take care of all the nonemotional things, like putting out the food for guests and cleaning up. Maybe spending time with the young childen, helping them take there minds off of this tragedy.

I think your presence is truly appreciated. Sometimes that is the best you can give.

Good luck, my friend :-6

Babies_Mama00 · Post by **Babies_Mama00** » Sun Sep 10, 2006 10:05 am

Thank you both for the help. But I meen when it is just them and myself and my boyfriend, I feel like I should not be there because this is a family thing and Im just Fred's(my b/f) girlfriend. The fact that I am pregnant doesnt even seem to come into play in my head. They all consider me family according to Fred but I still feel out of place and nervouse.

Crème brÃ»lée · Post by **Crème brÃ»lée** » Sun Sep 10, 2006 10:06 am

You can encourage conversation, let them talk and reminisce, sometimes just listening is everything.

I know it was for me.

Peg · Post by **Peg** » Sun Sep 10, 2006 10:07 am

Sometimes, in situations like this, a hug says way more than words ever will.

Babies_Mama00 · Post by **Babies_Mama00** » Sun Sep 10, 2006 10:11 am

Thank you all again. This time it helped. I know that lastnight when his mom was telling his brother what had happend she started to cry and I gave her a hug because his mom and I have this bond already and we have since before I got pregnant and Fred had told me his mom really appriciated it because hes not the huggy type and hes not one to console someone. But yes again guys thanks a bundle!! Im now just worried about the funeral.

cherandbuster · Post by **cherandbuster** » Sun Sep 10, 2006 10:17 am

Erin,

If you do go to the funeral, feel free to hug those you love when you see them struggling. A touch may be all they need.

You really are a part of the family, and your presence there, combined with the affection you so openly show them, is truly a gift. :-6

Babies_Mama00 · Post by **Babies_Mama00** » Sun Sep 10, 2006 11:25 am

Thank you all so much. None of you have any idea how great this is. I have only ever been to three funerals, one was for my great grandmother which I do not really remember and the entire funeral was in Hungarian, the second one was for my grandfather and that one I remember quite well and well than I was the one who everyone was worrieing about seeing as how I was like 13 or so. And the third was for a little girl I went to school with. But I have never been to one where I need to be a shoulder to cry on type of thing. So everything you have all said is a huge help and I appriciate it and love you all for it!!:-4

chonsigirl · Post by **chonsigirl** » Sun Sep 10, 2006 11:34 am

:-4 Just being there for them helps. You don't have to say anything, give them a hug if they cry or need it. Your presence shows them you care, and you'll know what to do when something comes up.

Rapunzel · Post by **Rapunzel** » Sun Sep 10, 2006 11:48 am

As Cher, Hammy & Floppy say so eloquently - just being there matters more than you realise. It might seem so little to you, yet mean so much to them!

In the UK we'd put the kettle on every half an hour and make tea for everyone, so make tea or make a salad for lunch or feed the kids or take them to the park.

Anything like this is just SO helpful. Best of luck at this sad time and don't forget to look after yourself too, you're baby needs you fit & healthy too. :-6

Patsy Warnick · Post by **Patsy Warnick** » Sun Sep 10, 2006 1:53 pm

I agree with Flop and Hamster, and most of all take care of yourself.

The family is so stressed, and writing things down is so helpful since no one can think, may I suggest a couple of things to help.

You may want to suggest or make a photo collage for the memorial

The children may want to leave their mother a token, a note, picture, to be place with their mother at the time of arrangements. I still remember the note I wrote and left with my Dad.

You and your extended family are in my thoughts.

Patsy

CARLA · Post by **CARLA** » Sun Sep 10, 2006 1:57 pm

Everyone has given such wonderful advice. Just be yourself and everything should be OK. This is awful and getting through it will be tough. As Floppy stated just start doing things, don't ask just do it. Most of the immediate family is to numb right now to know what to do, any and all help from you will be so appreciated.

Babies_Mama00 · Post by **Babies_Mama00** » Thu Sep 14, 2006 9:05 am

BAH!! We found out lastnight that the wake is today. I have no idea what this is, I have done a funeral before but not a wake!! I dont know what to wear r what to expect!!

Any ideas or hints at all?

minks · Post by **minks** » Thu Sep 14, 2006 9:11 am

Babies_Mama00 wrote: BAH!! We found out lastnight that the wake is today. I have no idea what this is, I have done a funeral before but not a wake!! I dont know what to wear r what to expect!!

Any ideas or hints at all?

Dress for comfort no one expects you to have maternity funeral wear. A wake is a kind of celebration of the passing of ones life. I think less glum than a funeral. Don't worry about what to expect, just be there as support to the family. Take loads of tissues. And offer them to anyone who needs them. Often folks forget those.

Babies_Mama00 · Post by **Babies_Mama00** » Tue Sep 19, 2006 10:23 am

I just wanted to let everyone know that after a week of many tears and many smiles, I made it threw all of the fmaily things with the funeral and all. The funeral was absolutly beautiful, seeing the three kids was great and just being there for the family felt good. Freds Grandmother acuially gave me a hug, a hug that she initiated not me. She looked so good all dressed up and she told me i looked beautiful. It was great to see Fred all dressed up, I am not used to him with his hair done and nice clothes on and all. RJ also looked great. The whole thing went well. They had a little dinner after the funeral at a hall right near their house and everyone was smiling. His uncle acuially started a conversation with me...that is one thing that has never really happend before. Fred broke down a few times but of corse I was there to comfort him. I really think that this loss will bring him and his uncle closer...well this loss and this baby. His uncle kept telling us how much Kate(his aunt) was looking forward to this baby. That is where they got me, I broke down every time anyone told me this. His uncle and the kids kept asking when the baby is due. I really love how this family thinks of me as part of the family now.

minks · Post by **minks** » Tue Sep 19, 2006 10:34 am

Babies_Mama00 wrote: I just wanted to let everyone know that after a week of many tears and many smiles, I made it threw all of the fmaily things with the funeral and all. The funeral was absolutly beautiful, seeing the three kids was great and just being there for the family felt good. Freds Grandmother acuially gave me a hug, a hug that she initiated not me. She looked so good all dressed up and she told me i looked beautiful. It was great to see Fred all dressed up, I am not used to him with his hair done and nice clothes on and all. RJ also looked great. The whole thing went well. They had a little dinner after the funeral at a hall right near their house and everyone was smiling. His uncle acuially started a conversation with me...that is one thing that has never really happend before. Fred broke down a few times but of corse I was there to comfort him. I really think that this loss will bring him and his uncle closer...well this loss and this baby. His uncle kept telling us how much Kate(his aunt) was looking forward to this baby. That is where they got me, I broke down every time anyone told me this. His uncle and the kids kept asking when the baby is due. I really love how this family thinks of me as part of the family now.

aw you are a special gril for a special family. Glad it all worked out.

Raven · Post by **Raven** » Tue Sep 19, 2006 10:49 am

Yeah, me too honey!

Babies_Mama00 · Post by **Babies_Mama00** » Tue Sep 19, 2006 10:49 am

Thank you Minks.

cherandbuster · Post by **cherandbuster** » Tue Sep 19, 2006 10:56 am

Hi Erin --

Isn't it interesting, how sad situations can *really* bring people closer? It's obvious that they truly see you as a member of the family.

Fred's family is lucky to have you as one of their own. :-6

Babies_Mama00 · Post by **Babies_Mama00** » Tue Sep 19, 2006 11:00 am

Thank you, all of you. I wouldnt have been able to do it without the advise you all gave me. Again THANKS!!