Couple good jokes

[Grumpaz]

And believe it are not this first one I got from my 78 year old mother. LOL

Subject: Head Injury





Cat Lover or Not, this is hysterical!



We've all had trouble with our animals, but I don't think anyone can

top this one:

Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how

legitimate my excuse, I always get the feeling that my boss thinks

I'm lying. On one recent occasion, I had a valid reason but lied

anyway, because the truth was just too darned humiliating. I simply

mentioned that I had sustained a head injury, and I hoped I would

feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I reasoned, I could think

up a doozy to explain the bandage on the top of my head. The accident

occurred mainly because I had given in to my wife's wishes to adopt a

cute little kitty. Initially, the new acquisition was no problem.



Then one morning, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard

my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen. "Honey! The garbage

disposal is dead again. Please come reset it."



"You know where the button is," I protested through the shower pitter-

patter and steam. "Reset it yourself!"



"But I'm scared!" she persisted. "What if it starts going and sucks

me in?" There was a meaningful pause and then, "C'mon, it'll only

take you a second."



So out I came, dripping wet and butt naked, hoping that my silent

outraged nudity would make a statement about how I perceived her

behavior as extremely cowardly. Sighing loudly, I squatted down and

stuck my head under the sink to find the button. It is the last

action I remember performing. It struck without warning, and without

any respect to my circumstances. No, it wasn't the hexed disposal,

drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. It was our new kitty, who

discovered the fascinating dangling objects she spied hanging between

my legs She had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I

reached under the sink. And, at the precise moment when I was most

vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged

them with her needle-like claws. I lost all rational thought to

control orderly bodily movements, blindly rising at a violent rate of

speed, with the full weight of a kitten hanging from my masculine

region. Wild animals are sometimes faced with a "fight or flight"

syndrome. Men, in this predicament, choose only the "flight" option.

I know this from experience. I was fleeing straight up into the air

when the sink and cabinet bluntly and forcefully impeded my ascent.

The impact knocked me out cold. When I awoke, my wife and the

paramedics stood over me. Now there are not many things in this life

worse than finding oneself lying on the kitchen floor butt naked in

front of a group of "been-there, done-that" paramedics. Even worse,

having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics were all

snorting loudly as they tried to conduct their work, all the while

trying to suppress their hysterical laughter......and not succeeding.



Somehow I lived through it all. A few days later I finally made it

back in to the office, where colleagues tried to coax an explanation

out of me about my head injury. I kept silent, claiming it was too

painful to talk about, which it was. "What's the matter?" They all

asked, "Cat got your tongue?" If they only knew!



Why is it that only the women laugh at this?

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Purina diet

I used to have a Labrador retriever & was buying a large bag of Purina at

Wal-Mart, waiting in the check-out line. A woman behind me asked if I had a

dog. On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Purina Diet again,

although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last

time. But, I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward

with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it

works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one

or two every time you feel hungry, as the food is nutritionally complete.

So, I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now

enthralled with my story, especially a tall heavy man behind her.

Horrified, she asked if I'd been poisoned. I told her no; I'd been sitting

in the street licking my balls and a car hit me.

The tall guy nearly had to stagger out of the store, oxygen-depleted from

laughter. I paid for the food and left a lot of smiles behind me.

[BabyRider]

Those...are....PRICELESS!!!!! :yh_rotfl :yh_rotfl

[Rain]

OMG! I'm ROTFLOL :wah:

[Lulu2]

Such is the life of a cat slave! I won't discuss the Labrador!

[Sheryl]

:yh_rotfl :yh_rotfl

omg the second is hilarious.

[Accountable]

:yh_rotfl :yh_rotfl :yh_rotfl :yh_rotfl

[Lulu2]

(Snorts tea on the monitor!):wah:

[sunny104]

:yh_rotfl