Anyway, how we broke up was bothering me so much. After 6 years, for him to suddenly turn on me, swearing and name calling...it was so out of character. I don't regret kicking him out, not at all. But I did wait for a phone call to apologize. Silence...and that made me feel very low.
The how. How could someone walk out after 6 years, and just leave those negative nasty emotions floating around? How could someone get that worked up over gay marriage? How could I have missed all the signs that led to his outburst? (Though in truth, I have been upset for some time as he grew increasingly negative and judgmental about politics.)
A male friend finally helped me to see the light. He said that some men are wimps, and they create drama to let them escape from the relationship rather than confronting it head on...all that messy emotional vulnerable stuff. He asked me what had been going on in the relationship that might lead to this.
I often miss the obvious, and this has been no exception. Man! Like a 2x4 right between the eyes, only more pleasant.
I bet a 2x4 feels really icky.The boyfriend has always been terrible about sharing emotions with me. I've never pressed it - to each his own, right? It would make sense that he'd rather go out with a slamming door over some current issue than to talk about our problems.
That leads me to why.
He's been talking about marriage for a while now. He wants a new mom for his two kids. Tragically, their own mother has cancer; it appears to be terminal. Beyond my sorrow at her illness, and the devastating effect it will have on the children...I can only say that I have no interest in being their new mom. Nor do I have any interest in marrying him, though in the first year or two I might have.
I've been wrestling with this for months. Guilt over my feelings, but knowing I needed to be honest with myself. I know that there is no way this would work between us. I also believe that he would expect me to give up my career goals in order to care for them. I know as well that while I'd be home tending his house and children, he'd be off finding someone fun to play with.
He's not big on being faithful, or marriage, or working out problems, or any of the things that are required for a solid commitment. I don't blame him for that, but I don't want to be in that position, either. Most especially because he doesn't want me, he just wants someone. That's not enough for me.
I was honest with him about it. I simply told him that the children would choose their own mothering relationships - he can't choose it for them. (They are 12 and 13.) I also said that my education goals and my career are very important to me. But mostly I said that I didn't want to marry. (Of course, the truth is I didn't want to marry him, but it's hurtful and useless to say that.)
So, considering the why has made me feel much better. We are both better off apart so we can find what each of us wants. Our breakup had nothing to do with gay marriage, and everything to do with opposing wants/needs.
I'm now allowing myself 6 more days to wallow, and then that's it. Every time I get sad, I'll do my Tai Chi videotape instead. I often randomly decide these odd things...But there is really nothing to be sad about. I fell out of love with him a long time ago. I enjoyed our time together, and I learned a lot. But it is high time I quit hiding in a dead end relationship, and let life do its thing.
I wanted to share this in hopes it might strike a similar chord in others. I also would like to thank you all for the support and concern you've shown me. You rock! Ok, some of you howl with wolves.
:-6
