I hate to bear this to you, my friends. It's really embarrassing to me. But here goes. The other day, my daughter & I got into a literal knock-down-drag-out. I mean, hair-pulling, fists (mainly hers), kicking. This is not the first time this has happened, but it's the first time I've defended myself & fought back.
I love my daughter dearly. But she has a real anger-management problem & blames me for everything. She & I have been alone together since she was almost 5. I busted my behind to make ends meet without any public assistance, except for subsidized housing for a bit, til I could afford a place. I worked sometimes 2 or 3 jobs. Oftentimes, I had to tell her no, when she wanted things, as I couldn't afford to buy them for her. My parents helped out a lot. And my sister & brother helped with babysitting & taking her places, for appointments & such.
She makes me out to be the worst parent in the world! I feel like such a failure. And now, I refuse to talk to her, because I'm not going to subject myself to this abuse. She told her boyfriend to call the police & I said, "Go ahead, because there IS a such thing as parent abuse!" She always says I abused her, just because I disciplined her while she was growing up. And she has NO idea how difficult it is to be both the mother & father. Her father's been in & out of her life sporadically. He also pays his support sporadically. The last payment I got was in July, 2004.
I do soooo much for her & it seems she doesn't even appreciate it. She just wants more, more, more!! She's 19 with 2 children & she & her boyfriend are living with my step-father. Neither has a job or their drivers license. She just took her test for her GED the other week. We're waiting for the results.
We're total opposites. I was in everything in school, while she wanted to do NOTHING. I try to achieve goals, she doesn't think past today. Granted, she does have ADD, but she should be getting counseling. All she does when she goes to see a counselor, is clam up, arms crossed, legs crossed. Total body language of someone unwilling to open up.
I'm at my wit's end. I hate to admit defeat, but I've got to let go. It breaks my heart because I love those little boys with all my heart!!!
I feel awful
I feel awful
when it gets physical, it's time to keep some distance between you for a while. and perhaps not enable she and the boyfriend to simply not work. they have a responsibility to their kids. it's painful, but it sounds to me like toughlove is called for. for YOUR sanity and peace and safety.
I feel awful
observer1 wrote: I hate to bear this to you, my friends. It's really embarrassing to me. But here goes. The other day, my daughter & I got into a literal knock-down-drag-out. I mean, hair-pulling, fists (mainly hers), kicking. This is not the first time this has happened, but it's the first time I've defended myself & fought back.
I love my daughter dearly. But she has a real anger-management problem & blames me for everything. She & I have been alone together since she was almost 5. I busted my behind to make ends meet without any public assistance, except for subsidized housing for a bit, til I could afford a place. I worked sometimes 2 or 3 jobs. Oftentimes, I had to tell her no, when she wanted things, as I couldn't afford to buy them for her. My parents helped out a lot. And my sister & brother helped with babysitting & taking her places, for appointments & such.
She makes me out to be the worst parent in the world! I feel like such a failure. And now, I refuse to talk to her, because I'm not going to subject myself to this abuse. She told her boyfriend to call the police & I said, "Go ahead, because there IS a such thing as parent abuse!" She always says I abused her, just because I disciplined her while she was growing up. And she has NO idea how difficult it is to be both the mother & father. Her father's been in & out of her life sporadically. He also pays his support sporadically. The last payment I got was in July, 2004.
I do soooo much for her & it seems she doesn't even appreciate it. She just wants more, more, more!! She's 19 with 2 children & she & her boyfriend are living with my step-father. Neither has a job or their drivers license. She just took her test for her GED the other week. We're waiting for the results.
We're total opposites. I was in everything in school, while she wanted to do NOTHING. I try to achieve goals, she doesn't think past today. Granted, she does have ADD, but she should be getting counseling. All she does when she goes to see a counselor, is clam up, arms crossed, legs crossed. Total body language of someone unwilling to open up.
I'm at my wit's end. I hate to admit defeat, but I've got to let go. It breaks my heart because I love those little boys with all my heart!!!
Oh OB1 how awful for you, how old is she again? I can totally sympathize I was that way with my oldest after the divorce and was glad to cut the strings and let her go, now we have a lovely relationship with her living at the opposite end of the city.
I love my daughter dearly. But she has a real anger-management problem & blames me for everything. She & I have been alone together since she was almost 5. I busted my behind to make ends meet without any public assistance, except for subsidized housing for a bit, til I could afford a place. I worked sometimes 2 or 3 jobs. Oftentimes, I had to tell her no, when she wanted things, as I couldn't afford to buy them for her. My parents helped out a lot. And my sister & brother helped with babysitting & taking her places, for appointments & such.
She makes me out to be the worst parent in the world! I feel like such a failure. And now, I refuse to talk to her, because I'm not going to subject myself to this abuse. She told her boyfriend to call the police & I said, "Go ahead, because there IS a such thing as parent abuse!" She always says I abused her, just because I disciplined her while she was growing up. And she has NO idea how difficult it is to be both the mother & father. Her father's been in & out of her life sporadically. He also pays his support sporadically. The last payment I got was in July, 2004.
I do soooo much for her & it seems she doesn't even appreciate it. She just wants more, more, more!! She's 19 with 2 children & she & her boyfriend are living with my step-father. Neither has a job or their drivers license. She just took her test for her GED the other week. We're waiting for the results.
We're total opposites. I was in everything in school, while she wanted to do NOTHING. I try to achieve goals, she doesn't think past today. Granted, she does have ADD, but she should be getting counseling. All she does when she goes to see a counselor, is clam up, arms crossed, legs crossed. Total body language of someone unwilling to open up.
I'm at my wit's end. I hate to admit defeat, but I've got to let go. It breaks my heart because I love those little boys with all my heart!!!
Oh OB1 how awful for you, how old is she again? I can totally sympathize I was that way with my oldest after the divorce and was glad to cut the strings and let her go, now we have a lovely relationship with her living at the opposite end of the city.
�You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough.�
• Mae West
• Mae West
I feel awful
and yes what LC said, distance is a good thing. Keeps everyone safe.
�You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough.�
• Mae West
• Mae West
I feel awful
No easy task and no easy answer right ?
My mom and sis were like that for a period, breaking down doors and stabbing eachother with ink pens :rolleyes:
Off the top of my head Im going with a one sided sit down conversation.
You will not be treated disrepectfully again. If she cant manage it, she will be welcome back when she can.
Under no circumstances will anyone EVER be assaulting ANYONE EVER again.
You love her but you will let her go until she can manage an adult relationship.
You have your life to live, you did the best you could. You had a job and you did it. Now she has a job to do.
These things will happen in families, but they dont have to become a pattern. Tough love her and there will be a time in the future when she will grow up. Not guaranteed but almost assuredly.
Good luck.
My mom and sis were like that for a period, breaking down doors and stabbing eachother with ink pens :rolleyes:
Off the top of my head Im going with a one sided sit down conversation.
You will not be treated disrepectfully again. If she cant manage it, she will be welcome back when she can.
Under no circumstances will anyone EVER be assaulting ANYONE EVER again.
You love her but you will let her go until she can manage an adult relationship.
You have your life to live, you did the best you could. You had a job and you did it. Now she has a job to do.
These things will happen in families, but they dont have to become a pattern. Tough love her and there will be a time in the future when she will grow up. Not guaranteed but almost assuredly.
Good luck.
I AM AWESOME MAN
I feel awful
She's 19 Minks. I'm not the type to fight. Haven't really gotten into a fight my entire life, other than defending myself from my brother. She's also bigger & much heavier than I am. She's very much like her father's family. She really reminds me of his sister, who was a brute.
But she (my daughter) got mad at something I said & stood right in my face. Then she raised her fist. I refuse to cower to her anymore. It's gotta stop somewhere.
But she (my daughter) got mad at something I said & stood right in my face. Then she raised her fist. I refuse to cower to her anymore. It's gotta stop somewhere.
I feel awful
{{{HUGS}}}
I also think that you should take a break from each other, I'm surprised that with kids of her own, knowing how difficult it is to raise a child, that she still can't see her relationship with you in a more realistic way!
I also think that you should take a break from each other, I'm surprised that with kids of her own, knowing how difficult it is to raise a child, that she still can't see her relationship with you in a more realistic way!
I feel awful
observer1 wrote: She's 19 Minks. I'm not the type to fight. Haven't really gotten into a fight my entire life, other than defending myself from my brother. She's also bigger & much heavier than I am. She's very much like her father's family. She really reminds me of his sister, who was a brute.
But she (my daughter) got mad at something I said & stood right in my face. Then she raised her fist. I refuse to cower to her anymore. It's gotta stop somewhere.
walk away and leave her to her own anger.
But she (my daughter) got mad at something I said & stood right in my face. Then she raised her fist. I refuse to cower to her anymore. It's gotta stop somewhere.
walk away and leave her to her own anger.
�You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough.�
• Mae West
• Mae West
I feel awful
First of all don't blame yourself, you have done everything you could
Secondly, follow Nomads advice if you can
My daughter had similar problems with her 15 yr old...you're not alone.
You'll both get through it....
Secondly, follow Nomads advice if you can
My daughter had similar problems with her 15 yr old...you're not alone.
You'll both get through it....
A smile is a window on your face to show your heart is home
I feel awful
observer1 wrote: She's 19 Minks. I'm not the type to fight. Haven't really gotten into a fight my entire life, other than defending myself from my brother. She's also bigger & much heavier than I am. She's very much like her father's family. She really reminds me of his sister, who was a brute.
But she (my daughter) got mad at something I said & stood right in my face. Then she raised her fist. I refuse to cower to her anymore. It's gotta stop somewhere.
Oh that is just SO wrong!:mad:
I can't imagine getting violent with anyone (unless it was to defend yourself or someone you love), let alone your own mother!!!
But she (my daughter) got mad at something I said & stood right in my face. Then she raised her fist. I refuse to cower to her anymore. It's gotta stop somewhere.
Oh that is just SO wrong!:mad:
I can't imagine getting violent with anyone (unless it was to defend yourself or someone you love), let alone your own mother!!! I feel awful
It just breaks my heart not to be able to see my little boys. I ADORE them soooo much!!! And my step-father was upstairs & didn't even come downstairs (in his own house) to break us up.
I guess I have to cut ties from my family for now, as well, as she lives there & my sister is just up the street. My sister always made me out to be a poor snobby excuse for a mother anyway, saying that they had to watch her most of the time, because I was always going out. I went out once in a while. I was told by a counselor that I should, just to get away. I needed time with adults.
I guess I have to cut ties from my family for now, as well, as she lives there & my sister is just up the street. My sister always made me out to be a poor snobby excuse for a mother anyway, saying that they had to watch her most of the time, because I was always going out. I went out once in a while. I was told by a counselor that I should, just to get away. I needed time with adults.
I feel awful
observer1 wrote: It just breaks my heart not to be able to see my little boys. I ADORE them soooo much!!! And my step-father was upstairs & didn't even come downstairs (in his own house) to break us up.
I guess I have to cut ties from my family for now, as well, as she lives there & my sister is just up the street. My sister always made me out to be a poor snobby excuse for a mother anyway, saying that they had to watch her most of the time, because I was always going out. I went out once in a while. I was told by a counselor that I should, just to get away. I needed time with adults.
OB1, time to look after you for now.... to heck with what others think, and I am sure once they see you doing so well they will come around. Yes pitty about the wee boys.
I guess I have to cut ties from my family for now, as well, as she lives there & my sister is just up the street. My sister always made me out to be a poor snobby excuse for a mother anyway, saying that they had to watch her most of the time, because I was always going out. I went out once in a while. I was told by a counselor that I should, just to get away. I needed time with adults.
OB1, time to look after you for now.... to heck with what others think, and I am sure once they see you doing so well they will come around. Yes pitty about the wee boys.
�You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough.�
• Mae West
• Mae West
I feel awful
You've been given alot of sound advice, I'd follow it. Your daughter will soon have to realize the sacrifices you made to raise her. She has children, how does she do raising them?
"Girls are crazy! I'm not ever getting married, I can make my own sandwiches!"
my son
my son
I feel awful
Hey Observer1,
It' sounds to me as if you're feeling a bit guilty about things. No need for this. You've done your best and physical abuse is appalling.
I would not hit back the next time and let the police handle her. If she's sooo grown up in her mind let her find out what's it's like to be an adult.
If she did it to anyone else there would be huge consequences.
Look after yourself now and enjoy life a bit. The Grandsons will no doubt come to you themselves once their old enough. Kids never forget the good in people. I can imagine though how hard it is. I would be sick to my stomach as well.
Hugs for you xxx
It' sounds to me as if you're feeling a bit guilty about things. No need for this. You've done your best and physical abuse is appalling.
I would not hit back the next time and let the police handle her. If she's sooo grown up in her mind let her find out what's it's like to be an adult.
If she did it to anyone else there would be huge consequences.
Look after yourself now and enjoy life a bit. The Grandsons will no doubt come to you themselves once their old enough. Kids never forget the good in people. I can imagine though how hard it is. I would be sick to my stomach as well.
Hugs for you xxx
I feel awful
OB1, you are not the only one in this situation. It is all too common these days. LC is right. You need to get some distance between you two. Getting physical with one another is traveling down a dangerous path.
May I suggest that, since daughter does not open up to counseling help, you seek it for yourself. Perhaps you might learn some new ways of handling this old situation. If nothing else, the validation will be good for you.
Venting here too is good for you. Who knows what insight someone may come up with.................
May I suggest that, since daughter does not open up to counseling help, you seek it for yourself. Perhaps you might learn some new ways of handling this old situation. If nothing else, the validation will be good for you.
Venting here too is good for you. Who knows what insight someone may come up with.................
I feel awful
Following your gutt feeling OB1. Do what feels right for you. Perhaps with distance put between the both of you, she will wake up one day and realize that she does need you in her life and will treat you with the respect you deserve. You will have to find a way to define to your daughter, the kind of relationship you want with her and stick with your guns on that. Once she finds out that you no longer will accept her negative behavior, she should come around. Go out, enjoy your own life. Life is too short. Hugs to you my friend! 
I feel awful
There has been some great advice given so far, I probably won't add anything new, I just wanted to give my view having been on the other side. When I was younger (between the ages of 10-13) I would threaten my mother, and I actually hit her a couple of times. Now, I'm certainly not proud of that, in fact I'm sitting here with tears in my eyes just thinking about it, but at the time I just had so much anger, most of it directed at her. Without trying to sound like I'm blaming you, can you think of any reason she might be holding on to anger towards you, even if it is completely unjustified? I realise I was quite a bit younger than your daughter, but I left home at 13, so I think I was a bit ahead of myself.
There is a happy ending to the story: after I left (less than a month after my 13th birthday) I didn't speak to my mother for 3 years, but through counselling and good friends, I eventually got back in touch with her and we communicated up until her death a bit over 2 years ago. So I guess what I'm trying to say is, let her go and eventually she will grow up & realise how much you've done for her. I can only imagine what you're going through, it must be really hard. Keep your chin up & remember, it's pretty obvious you have people here who care about you :-4
There is a happy ending to the story: after I left (less than a month after my 13th birthday) I didn't speak to my mother for 3 years, but through counselling and good friends, I eventually got back in touch with her and we communicated up until her death a bit over 2 years ago. So I guess what I'm trying to say is, let her go and eventually she will grow up & realise how much you've done for her. I can only imagine what you're going through, it must be really hard. Keep your chin up & remember, it's pretty obvious you have people here who care about you :-4
I feel awful
I can't add any more than others have already said, Ob. But to repeat what several have posted...the relationship between mother and teenage daughter can be ghastly but not too many years later, it can be completely transformed. I know this because it happened between my daughter and me.
Hugs to you during this difficult period.
Hugs to you during this difficult period.
Live the questions now. Perhaps you will then gradually, without noticing it, live along some distant day into the answers...Rainer Maria Rilke
I feel awful
Granted, she does have ADD, but she should be getting counseling. All she does when she goes to see a counselor, is clam up, arms crossed, legs crossed. Total body language of someone unwilling to open up.
You are so right here, she should be seeking counselling, but if she won't recognize she has a problem she is wasting their time and hers.
Maybe the advice to create some distance between the two of you will help her to be more responsible herself., and the break will help you.
You need time out, and it won't hurt her either. Sure it's hard with the little ones involved, but they must be witnessing some of these episodes which won't do them any good either.
Sometimes time out can create incredible results...give it a go..and remember, there is light at the end of the tunnel....:-6
You are so right here, she should be seeking counselling, but if she won't recognize she has a problem she is wasting their time and hers.
Maybe the advice to create some distance between the two of you will help her to be more responsible herself., and the break will help you.
You need time out, and it won't hurt her either. Sure it's hard with the little ones involved, but they must be witnessing some of these episodes which won't do them any good either.
Sometimes time out can create incredible results...give it a go..and remember, there is light at the end of the tunnel....:-6
I feel awful
Not too much I can add. I dont understand how selflissness equals resentment.
I also raised my two sons alone from the time they were five and nine. Ive never had any physical battles with them. However, my older son whips me verbally whenever the mood strikes him. He harbours all kinds of resentment about his upbringing. I guess about eight weeks ago... as a result of one of his verbal attacks I told him to please leave, and I havent spoken to him since. I guess its the same with children as is is with adult relationships. When you give, give, give, it just blows up in your face. It sounds like youd better just walk your own walk, and pump up your pride. Because altercations like you described could have a tragic ending.
I also raised my two sons alone from the time they were five and nine. Ive never had any physical battles with them. However, my older son whips me verbally whenever the mood strikes him. He harbours all kinds of resentment about his upbringing. I guess about eight weeks ago... as a result of one of his verbal attacks I told him to please leave, and I havent spoken to him since. I guess its the same with children as is is with adult relationships. When you give, give, give, it just blows up in your face. It sounds like youd better just walk your own walk, and pump up your pride. Because altercations like you described could have a tragic ending.
[FONT=Microsoft Sans Serif][/FONT]
I feel awful
You all are wonderful friends & have given some great advice. I do want to say that my step-father, though he didn't get involved, is a wonderful man. He's always there when I call him. I guess he just figured we have to fight it out.
Also, both my daughter & her boyfriend are very good parents. They're very patient & loving with both their children. See, that's the funny part. She doesn't remember all the love I've given her, only the discipline. You know, we never remember the good, just the bad.
Thanks for all the wonderful advice. I'm just going to keep my distance for now.
Also, both my daughter & her boyfriend are very good parents. They're very patient & loving with both their children. See, that's the funny part. She doesn't remember all the love I've given her, only the discipline. You know, we never remember the good, just the bad.
Thanks for all the wonderful advice. I'm just going to keep my distance for now.
I feel awful
observer1 wrote: You all are wonderful friends & have given some great advice. I do want to say that my step-father, though he didn't get involved, is a wonderful man. He's always there when I call him. I guess he just figured we have to fight it out.
Also, both my daughter & her boyfriend are very good parents. They're very patient & loving with both their children. See, that's the funny part. She doesn't remember all the love I've given her, only the discipline. You know, we never remember the good, just the bad.
Thanks for all the wonderful advice. I'm just going to keep my distance for now.
ahhh with time I am sure you will feel better about this decision.
Also, both my daughter & her boyfriend are very good parents. They're very patient & loving with both their children. See, that's the funny part. She doesn't remember all the love I've given her, only the discipline. You know, we never remember the good, just the bad.
Thanks for all the wonderful advice. I'm just going to keep my distance for now.
ahhh with time I am sure you will feel better about this decision.
�You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough.�
• Mae West
• Mae West
-
chonsigirl
- Posts: 33633
- Joined: Mon Mar 07, 2005 8:28 am
I feel awful
Observer, don't allow the violence to continue. It is wrong, to you and your daughter. You will just have to remove yourself from the situation for now. It is hard, but hopefully will be better later on.
I feel awful
OB1, I know your pain well. I won't bore you with the details of my relationship with my daughter other than to say it was much like you and your daughters relationship. I was a single mom from the time she was four I did the best I could, as you have. In her eye at the time I was evil to the core. We were in constant conflict daily. It has always been a struggle for her and I. But I'm pleased to say that time and space did wonders for the relationship.
Just know it will get better it may take a very long time, but it will get better. You just have to take care of your life and try to let her live hers even if you don't approve of some of her behavior.
She will come around as she grows up, and see you for the wonderful mom you have been. Lifes lessons are just harder for some to learn, but eventually they get it, and they begin to florish.
Don't be so hard on yourself, your a wonderful person and a great mom and believe me she will see this in time..:-4 I thought it would never change ever, and it did and all for the better. So relax and enjoy your life..
Just know it will get better it may take a very long time, but it will get better. You just have to take care of your life and try to let her live hers even if you don't approve of some of her behavior.
She will come around as she grows up, and see you for the wonderful mom you have been. Lifes lessons are just harder for some to learn, but eventually they get it, and they begin to florish.
Don't be so hard on yourself, your a wonderful person and a great mom and believe me she will see this in time..:-4 I thought it would never change ever, and it did and all for the better. So relax and enjoy your life..
ALOHA!!
MOTTO TO LIVE BY:
"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, champagne in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming.
WOO HOO!!, what a ride!!!"
MOTTO TO LIVE BY:
"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, champagne in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming.
WOO HOO!!, what a ride!!!"
I feel awful
CARLA wrote: OB1, I know your pain well. I won't bore you with the details of my relationship with my daughter other than to say it was much like you and your daughters relationship. I was a single mom from the time she was four I did the best I could, as you have. In her eye at the time I was evil to the core. We were in constant conflict daily. It has always been a struggle for her and I. But I'm pleased to say that time and space did wonders for the relationship.
Just know it will get better it may take a very long time, but it will get better. You just have to take care of your life and try to let her live hers even if you don't approve of some of her behavior.
She will come around as she grows up, and see you for the wonderful mom you have been. Lifes lessons are just harder for some to learn, but eventually they get it, and they begin to florish.
Don't be so hard on yourself, your a wonderful person and a great mom and believe me she will see this in time..:-4 I thought it would never change ever, and it did and all for the better. So relax and enjoy your life..
Thanks for sharing, Carla. It's really comforting to know that I'm not the only one going down this road. I just didn't think children treated their parents this way! I said things to my mother I wish I could take back now, God rest her soul. But I never would've abused her physically!
Just know it will get better it may take a very long time, but it will get better. You just have to take care of your life and try to let her live hers even if you don't approve of some of her behavior.
She will come around as she grows up, and see you for the wonderful mom you have been. Lifes lessons are just harder for some to learn, but eventually they get it, and they begin to florish.
Don't be so hard on yourself, your a wonderful person and a great mom and believe me she will see this in time..:-4 I thought it would never change ever, and it did and all for the better. So relax and enjoy your life..
Thanks for sharing, Carla. It's really comforting to know that I'm not the only one going down this road. I just didn't think children treated their parents this way! I said things to my mother I wish I could take back now, God rest her soul. But I never would've abused her physically!