Office Survival Guide

[Wolverine]

HOW TO POOP AT WORK

We've all been there but don't like to admit it. As much as we try

to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORKPOOP is inevitable. For those

who hate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a

dump at work.

CROP DUSTING:

When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not

in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came

from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has

been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your

pants.



FLY BY:

This is the act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and

check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and

come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may

become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

ESCAPEE:

This is a fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or

forcing a poop in a stall.

This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you

release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen.

If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not

hear it.

No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a

joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK:

When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This

is a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not

panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare

everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH:

The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water.

This reduces the amount of airtime the poop has to stink up the bathroom.

This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME:

Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just

stunk the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks

in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does

not exist. This very uncomfortable walk can be avoided with the use of the

COURTESY FLUSH.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER:

This is a colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will

often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper

or magazine under his or her arm. Always look around the office for the

Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.

THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK ( P.F.N):

A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooping

goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the

whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.

SAFE HAVENS:

A Safe Haven is a seldom-used bathroom somewhere in the building where

you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the

opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the

bathroom.



TURD BURGLAR:

This is someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries

to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable

moments that can occur when taking a poop at work. If this occurs, remain

in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all

uncomfortable eye contact.

CAMO-COUGH:

A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you

are in a stall is called a Camo-Cough. This can be used to cover-up a

WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. The Camo-Cough is very

effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE:

An Astaire is a subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd

Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will all doubt that the

stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately

so the pooper can poop in peace.

WATERMELON:

A watermelon is a big poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the

toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a

Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

HAVANA OMELET:

A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet

water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an

Astaire.

UNCLE TODD:

An Uncle Todd is a bathroom user who seems to linger around forever.

This person could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or

sitting on the pot. An Uncle Todd makes it difficult to relax while on

the crapper, as you should always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty.

This benefits you as well as other bathroom attendees.

Hope the Survival Guide helps, as the WORKPOOP is an inevitable part of

life.

[Saffron]

OMG! This is hilarious!

I will need to go back and read it again.

I have a funny story, but it's too long, and I am in class right now at school. But there was an older woman who worked at an office job I had. She used to drop turds in the bathroom, and flush the toilet every time a turd dropped into the water, to sort of hide the noise of the "plop". All of the immature girls in the office used to crack up and run out of the women's bathroom hearing it. (This was like 24 years ago).

:wah: :wah:

[valerie]

Admit it, you posted this for Snoozie.





DINCHA?



;)

[Wolverine]

:sneaky: maybe...

[theia]

Thanks, Wolvie, you really made me laugh!!

[Wolverine]

theia wrote: Thanks, Wolvie, you really made me laugh!!
anytime Miss J.