Ratherisms!

[Hawke]

Now that we've safely moved beyond the US Presidential election, I feel that I can safely post a list of Dan 'Ratherisms' I compiled watching election night coverage. Bear in mind that ALL of the following statements are real, made by Dan Rather over the course of about 6 hours.

"This is more complicated than the wiring diagram for some hydroelectric dam dynamo."

"You know, we may need Billy Crystal to analyze this before it's over."

"One's reminded of that old saying, 'Don't taunt the alligator until after you've crossed the creek'."

"Play a verse of Johnny B. Goode in Illinois for John Kerry."

"This presidential race is hotter than the Devil's anvil."

"This race is hotter than a Times Square Rolex."

"No question now that Kerry's rapidly reaching the point where he's got his back to the wall, his shirttails on fire and the bill collector's at the door."

"John Kerry needs something on the order of a 55 or 60-yard field goal to win this."

"I know that you'd rather walk through a furnace in a gasoline suit than consider the possibility that John Kerry would lose Ohio."

"This presidential race has been crackling like a hickory fire for at least the last hour and a half."

"No one is saying that George Bush is not going to win the election, and if you had to bet the double-wide, you'd have to bet that he'd win."

"We keep talking about Ohio if you've been tuning in and out or you put the baby to bed or you went to pop the cap on an adult, or otherwise, beverage..."

"If a frog had sidepockets, he'd carry a handgun."

"Just because a chicken has wings doesn't mean he can fly."

"Ohio now turns into a sauna for both of the candidates. All they can do is wait and sweat."

"In some ways, George Bush's lead is as thin as November ice."

"It won't mean a thing if they don't get that swing."

"Bush is sweeping through the Midwest like a combine."

"We're on these returns like white on rice."

"That will be whooping news down in texas considering that Bill Clinton tried to go in and hold the state with a series of three-point shots."

"We had a slight hitch in our giddy-up there."

"This is one of those cases where your mother is right: looks can be deceiving."

"You can hear the sighs coming from Massachusetts all the way in New York."

"His lead is as thin as turnip soup."

"This race is hot enough to peel paint off a house."

"So in Colorado, Pete Coors gets a silver bullet right through his hopes."

"It's enough to give aspirin a headache."

"Our coverage continues with Ohio... 'Hey kemosabe, no one knows!'"

"If this election gets any closer someone is going to have to call 911, call the police, call the nurse."

[Tombstone]

ha! Classic! I'll have to remember some of these!