It happened three years after Jenny walked out on me. I glanced across at the double bed, which I now had all to myself, and realised how much I'd let myself go. Empty beer cans, stale cigarette ash and discarded newspapers now lay strewn across the dining room floor. The place was in a mess - it needed a woman's touch. I looked in the mirror: not a pretty sight! Silver stubble, oily skin, and yellow teeth made me a full ten years older than my former self. Casually glancing through the small ads in the local paper, something caught my eye. It was a box ad, ad certainly didn't disguise the services being offered! I frowned at the small print - cash only, and their prices weren't cheap! There were, of course, other ads offering the same, but this one wasn't too far away. I set about tidying the place up, changing the sheets, and putting a vacuum over the floor. I even managed to do the washing up. After three hours the place looked fairly presentable. I looked up the address on the atlas, and rang the cab company, which duely arrived at the appointed hour.
"It's a pick-up and return, so you might have to wait a few minutes." I said. "Do you know the address?"
"I know it." He replied, rolling his eyes, as he drove off.
I rechecked my wallet. Twenty minutes later we pulled up outside. I was disappointed. It looked so drab and dismal - nothing like the impression given in the ad. I rang the bell.
"Yes?"
"I - I - I'm answering the ad..."
"Upstairs on the second floor." Came the curt reply over the intercom system, before I had a chance to finish. I knocked gingerly on the door. It was answered by a burly minder-type character - certainly not the type of person you'd like to bump into in a dark alley. He looked at me with suspicion before gesturing me in with his head. A few minutes later, a woman in her mid-thirties came out with a brochure. I scanned the contentsm, and terms and conditions.
"Well, come on - I haven't got all day." She snapped.
"Miranda." I mumbled.
"Get Miranda." She shouted into another room. "Three hundred quid cash. Up front." She glanced across to her minder, who smiled wryly, and nodded.
"OK, three hundred it is." As she came into the room I could tell she had real class. With her ice blue eyes, she was real cool - butter wouldn't melt in her mouth. I paid the three hundred and headed for the taxi. When we got home, Miranda wandered round the place, cool as a cucumber. That evening I had a rump steak, while she settled for salmon. By ten-thirty I was knackered. I popped my head into the bedroom - there she was, lying there seductively on the silk sheets, her eyes half shut. I walked over to her, and looked into her enchanting blue eyes.
"Miranda, my darling. Your are about to become the most pampered Persian ***** cat in the whole world..."
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