have a laugh

Post by **Betty Boop** » Mon Jan 23, 2006 3:45 pm

Uncle Kram wrote: A Young Man Called John Invited His Mother For Dinner. During The

Course Of The Meal, His Mother Couldn't Help But Notice How

Handsome John's Flatmate Was. She Had Long Been Suspicious Of A

Relationship Between The Two, And This Only Made Her More

Curious.

Over The Course Of The Evening, While Watching The Two Interact,

She Started To Wonder If There Was More Between John And His

Flatmate That Met The Eye.

Reading His Mum's Thoughts, John Volunteered, "i Know What You

Must Be Thinking, But I Assure You, Simon & I Are Just Flatmates."

About A Week Later, Simon Came To John Saying,"ever Since Your

Mother Came To Dinner, I've Been Unable To Find The Frying Pan, You

Don't Suppose She Took It Do You?"

"well, I Doubt It, But I'll E-mail Her Just To Be Sure," Said John,

So He Sat Down And Wrote:

Dear Mother,

I'm Not Saying That You "did" Take The Frying Pan From My House,

I'm Not Saying That You "did Not" Take The Frying Pan, But The

Fact Remains That It Has Been Missing Ever Since You Were Here

For Dinner.

Love John

Several Days Later, John Received An E-mail From His Mother

Which Read:

Dear Son,

I'm Not Saying That You "do" Sleep With Simon, And I'm Not Saying

That You "do Not" Sleep With Simon, But The Fact Remains That

If He Was Sleeping In His Own Bed, He Would Have Found The Frying Pan

By

Now.

Love Mum

..:yh_rotfl :yh_rotfl :yh_rotfl Brilliant!!!

Lil~Basco · Post by **Lil~Basco** » Mon Jan 23, 2006 5:18 pm

mrsK wrote: A married man left work early one Friday afternoon. Instead of going home, he squandered the weekend and his paycheck partying with the boys, never calling his wife.

When he finally returned home on Sunday night, he ran into a furious wife. After a couple of hours of yelling and screaming his wife asked, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for a couple of days?" He responded, "That would suit me just fine!"

So, Monday went by, and the man didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same result.

By Thursday, the swelling went down enough so that he could see her a little... just out of the corner of his left eye.
:yh_rotfl :yh_rotfl Good one mrsK!

Lizzie Love · Post by **Lizzie Love** » Mon Jan 23, 2006 5:36 pm

Thanks for these priceless gems.:wah:

"why did the menopausal woman cross the road?

to kill the chicken."

doctor to patient,

"I'm afraid I have some bad news..... you haven't got long"

patient to doc.

"how long do I have?"

doc to patient

"ten....... patient interrupts doctor and says "Ten? ten what? weeks, months?"......

doctor

"........nine.......eight...seven....................." :wah:

daffodil52 · Post by **daffodil52** » Mon Jan 23, 2006 5:43 pm

what do u call a ...pakistani window cleaner

shake me shammy/// lol

a pakistani cloak attendant.. ma hat ma coat....]]]]]]

heard the one about the tramp.... who's sole fell off is shoe....

walk through a town centre ,,, their was a religious nut walking around shouting

all good soul go to heaven...the tramp shouted back mine didnt" it fell off and i throw

it in the bin.....

how can u tell a " irish gentleman.... he has a crease in is wellys]]]

Lizzie Love · Post by **Lizzie Love** » Tue Jan 24, 2006 7:54 pm

Just a word or two about my mother, I'm not saying i came from a dysfunctional family, but my mother was a ventriloquist..........I grew up thinking the dog was telling me to kill my father.

thanks for the kind words folks, this morning I woke up feeling cranky, but tomorrow I think I will let him sleep.....:wah:

love

lizzie:-4

Uncle Kram · Post by **Uncle Kram** » Wed Jan 25, 2006 12:04 pm

An elderly gentleman of 85 feared his wife was getting hard of

hearing.

So one day he called her doctor to make an appointment to have her

hearing checked. The Doctor made an appointment for a hearing test in

two weeks, and said meanwhile there's a simple informal test the

husband could do to give the doctor some idea of the state of her problem.

'Here's what you do," said the doctor, "start out about 40 feet away

from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she

hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a

response."

That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he's in

the living room. He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see

what happens."

Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for supper?" No

response.

So the husband moved to the other end of the room, about 30 feet from

his wife and repeats, "Honey, what's for supper?" Still no response.

Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his

wife and asks, "Honey, what's for supper?" Again he gets no response.

So he walks up to the kitchen door, only 10 feet away. "Honey,

what's for supper?" Again there is no response.

So he walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's for supper?"

"Damn it Earl, for the fifth time, CHICKEN!"

Uncle Kram · Post by **Uncle Kram** » Wed Jan 25, 2006 12:11 pm

You are driving down the road in your car on a wild, stormy night, when

you pass by a bus stop and you see three people waiting for the bus:

1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.

2. An old friend who once saved your life.

3. The perfect partner you have been dreaming about.

Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there could

only be one passenger in your car?

This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part

of a job application.

You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus you

should save her first.

Or you could take the old friend because he once saved your life, and this

would be the perfect chance to pay him back.

However, you may never be able to find your perfect mate again.

The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble

coming up with his answer.

He simply answered: "I would give the car keys to my old friend and let him

take the lady to the hospital. I would stay behind and wait for the bus

with the partner of my dreams."

Sometimes, we gain more if we are able to give up our stubborn thought

limitations. Never forget to "Think Outside of the Box."

However, the correct answer is to run the old lady over and put her out of her

misery, have sex with the perfect partner against the bus stop, then

drive off with the old friend for some beers.

Lizzie Love · Post by **Lizzie Love** » Wed Jan 25, 2006 1:13 pm

Uncle Kram wrote: You are driving down the road in your car on a wild, stormy night, when

you pass by a bus stop and you see three people waiting for the bus:

1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.

2. An old friend who once saved your life.

3. The perfect partner you have been dreaming about.

Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there could

only be one passenger in your car?

This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part

of a job application.

You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus you

should save her first.

Or you could take the old friend because he once saved your life, and this

would be the perfect chance to pay him back.

However, you may never be able to find your perfect mate again.

The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble

coming up with his answer.

He simply answered: "I would give the car keys to my old friend and let him

take the lady to the hospital. I would stay behind and wait for the bus

with the partner of my dreams."

Sometimes, we gain more if we are able to give up our stubborn thought

limitations. Never forget to "Think Outside of the Box."

However, the correct answer is to run the old lady over and put her out of her

misery, have sex with the perfect partner against the bus stop, then

drive off with the old friend for some beers.

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo you are awful :wah:

these have me crying again :wah:

Patient "doctor, doctor, I think I am a pair of curtains"...

doctor "oh pull yourself together".

This one is a bit rude ,

two sperm are swimming along, hell for leather first sperm turns to the other and says,

"God, Henry I am knackered is it much further to the uterus?"

second sperm replies,

"oh for God's sake Irving just keep going, we're only just past the tonsils"

love from beetroot faced lizzie :-4

Uncle Kram · Post by **Uncle Kram** » Wed Jan 25, 2006 1:24 pm

How do you circumcise a dolphin?

Send down 4 skin divers.

I just can't see the porpoise of this post

Uncle Kram · Post by **Uncle Kram** » Wed Jan 25, 2006 1:26 pm

Lizzie Love wrote: Patient "doctor, doctor, I think I am a pair of curtains"...

doctor "oh pull yourself together". :-4

I went to the doctors with a strawberry sicking out of my bum. He gave me some cream to put on it

Hazel · Post by **Hazel** » Wed Jan 25, 2006 1:55 pm

What did the alien say when he landed in the garden?

Take me to your weeder!

daffodil52 · Post by **daffodil52** » Wed Jan 25, 2006 8:54 pm

ArnoldLayne wrote: Man went to the doctors with a piece of lettuce sticking out of his bum.

"is it serious ?" he asked

"Oh yes" said the doctor " this is just the tip of the iceburg " he eh

but a dressing on it.....daffy52 lol

Lil~Basco · Post by **Lil~Basco** » Fri Jan 27, 2006 6:26 pm

An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall.

A teenager walked up to the bench and sat down. He had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, blue and yellow.

The old man just stared. Every time the teenager looked, the old man was staring.

The teenager finally said sarcastically, "What's the matter old timer, never done anything wild in you life?"

Without batting an eye, the old man replied, "Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son."

Lizzie Love · Post by **Lizzie Love** » Sat Jan 28, 2006 7:59 am

Lil~Basco wrote: An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall.

A teenager walked up to the bench and sat down. He had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, blue and yellow.

The old man just stared. Every time the teenager looked, the old man was staring.

The teenager finally said sarcastically, "What's the matter old timer, never done anything wild in you life?"

Without batting an eye, the old man replied, "Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son."

good one :wah:

why is a man better than a cucumber?

answer:

cucumbers can't mow the lawn....................