I have been with my boyfriend for over 2 years, in which time I have fallen completely in love with him in many ways. He is the most positive person I know, and rarely complains about anything. He is extremely intelligent, has a fantastic career as a mechanical engineer (could be a borderline workaholic), and is affectionate when we are together. He loves me very much, and shows me on birthdays and Christmas with jewelry and other surprises. He’s great with his niece and nephew, and has a wonderful family relationship. His parents are from Germany, so they speak with an accent, and are genuinely very sweet people. He is one of the only people that I can spend a lot of time with without getting annoyed or tired of him. I have a full-time job at a bio-tech company and just recently started working towards my Master’s degree.
The problem(s):
I have begun to notice several patterns in our relationship which have caused us a great deal of stress. It seems like it’s only recently that these things come up though, so I am wondering if the added stress of starting school has affected my judgment. Anyway, the problem is that he seems to lack some very basic human emotions…or at least doesn’t know how to show them. He will tell me that he loves me before we hang up the phone, or sometimes in person when we are being affectionate. Beyond that, anyone’s guess is as good as mine. We live quite a distance away from each other which is a strain in itself, but with the distance comes a need for added reinforcement of love/caring during the times we are apart. One of the things I have noticed is that he cannot make plans ahead of time, even with me. He won’t even mention getting together with me until Thursday or Friday of every week, when it’s too late for me to make plans with others if he has something else going on. This lack of planning our next meeting makes me very upset because it seems like he doesn’t even think about me until the end of the week and then, only out of obligation. It is a long drive to my house, which he is usually the one to make because I have my own place.
The next problem is that since we aren’t together during the week, we have to depend on using the telephone to communicate. He is not good at responding to emails, text messages, or anything else, so we are left with the telephone. Our nightly chats have become routine and lack substance. It’s almost as if I am talking to a stranger every night. He doesn’t mention anything about me, or us, or when he wants to see me again. He talks about work, what’s going on with his parents, etc. Sometimes we will sit and not say anything at all. If I try to make conversation or tell him a story about what happened that day or something interesting I want to share, he either doesn’t respond at all, or he says “oh.†I try to lighten the mood and get him interested by asking him questions about himself and what he would do in certain situations, hypothetical of course. He thinks that this is annoying. If I have a bad day at work and try to tell him about it, he again, either doesn’t respond, or says “oh.â€
There’s no situation which elicits sympathy from him. I could tell him anything that happened to me or almost happened to me during the day (for instance, a car accident) that upset me, and he would disregard it completely. If he says anything to these situations it’s something along the lines of “it could be worse,†or “suck it up.†I have been upset in many situations and have gone to him to unburden myself, with nothing but cold, logical responses. He says that I am over-dramatic, that I have no reason to be upset, and basically ignores it. If I am VERY upset, and he doesn’t understand the reason, then he tells me that I am “insane†or “sick.†He also thinks that I get upset and make up arguments because I like to. He thinks I enjoy arguing with him and crying. It is getting to the point where I don’t want to tell him anything at all, and the person that I turn to when I am upset is anyone but him.
Clearly, it’s not always like this and right now I am very biased because I am writing when I am upset, but this is how I feel a lot of the time and it’s causing a major rift in the relationship. My question is, is there a way to correct this? He rarely complains or is upset about anything- and tells me that when he is upset he doesn’t always have to make a big deal about it like I do. How can you teach someone to be sympathetic? I thought it was a natural response when someone is upset to say something comforting like “man I can’t believe that happened…†or “wow, I’m glad you’re okay.†It doesn’t even have to be elaborate, just SOMETHING, ANYTHING in response to my being upset. Am I wrong to expect him to empathize? Should I try and work on it with him or is it a characteristic that you either have or don’t have? I have never met anyone like this, and I don’t understand how someone who supposedly loves and cares about you can react to your pain in this way. Please, any advice would be appreciated.
PS. I should mention that I have met people who complain all the time about everything, and I am not one of those people. For me to talk about it means that I am really very upset, scared, shaken, etc. I would understand him if it was a constant whining problem.
-Kitty
i have been with my boyfriend for about a year, not really long but its a serious relationship, we live together but all we do is fight, every single day we are arguing about something. i feel like he loves me but yet it is for selfish reasons but i honestly feel like he dont care about me, like if im sick or something he shows no compassion he never spoils me or anything i mean im not asking for this everyday just oncce in a while but he never does. i feel like im just convenient for him, like im his sidekick here whenever he needs me but whenever i need him its such a big deal and he makes me feel like im "high maintenance". im just so confused . its like i thought taht when u really love somebody all those little things just come natural. but it doesn't with him . he just seems so cold.
