Primer for singing the blues!

valerie · Post by **valerie** » Thu Jan 19, 2006 11:28 am

HOW TO SING THE BLUES:

If you are new to Blues music, or like it but never really understood the whys and wherefores, here are some very fundamental rules:

1. Most Blues begin with: "Woke up this morning..."

2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the Blues, unless you stick something nasty in the next line like, "I got a good woman, with the meanest face in town."

3. The Blues is simple. After you get the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes - sort of: "Got a good woman with the meanest face in town. Yes, I got a good woman with the meanest face in town. Got teeth like Margaret Thatcher and she weigh 500 pound."

4. The Blues is not about choice. You stuck in a ditch, you stuck in a ditch...ain't no way out.

5. Blues cars: Chevys, Fords, Cadillacs and broken-down trucks. Blues don't travel in Volvos, BMWs, or Sport Utility Vehicles. Most Blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Jet aircraft andstate-sponsored motor pools ain't even in the running. Walkin' plays a major part in the Blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.

6. Teenagers can't sing the Blues. They ain't fixin' to die yet. Adults sing the Blues. In Blues, "adulthood" means being old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.

7. Blues can take place in New York City but not in Hawaii or anywhere in Canada. Hard times in Minneapolis or Seattle is probably just clinical depression. Mississippi, Chicago, St. Louis, Kansas City, Memphis, and Nawlins are still the best places to have the Blues. You cannot have the Blues in any place that don't get rain.

8. A man with male pattern baldness ain't the Blues. A woman with male pattern baldness is. Breaking your leg 'cause you were skiing is not the Blues. Breaking your leg 'cause a alligator be chomping on it is.

9. You can't have no Blues in an office or a shopping mall. The lighting is wrong. Go outside to the parking lot or sit by the dumpster.

10. Good places for the Blues

a. highway

b. jailhouse

c. empty bed

d. bottom of a whiskey glass

11. Bad places for the Blues

a. Nordstrom's

b. gallery openings

c. Ivy League institutions

d. golf courses

12. No one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a suit, 'less you happen to be an old person, and you slept in it.

13.Do you have the right to sing the Blues? Yes, if:

a. you're older than dirt

b. you're blind

c. you shot a man in Memphis

d. you can't be satisfied

No, if:

a. you have all your teeth

b. you were once blind but now can see

c. the man in Memphis lived

d. you have a 401K or trust fund

14. If you ask for water and your darlin' gives you gasoline, it's the Blues. Other acceptable Blues beverages are:

a. cheap wine

b. whiskey or bourbon

c. muddy water

d. black coffee

The following are NOT Blues beverages:

a. Perrier

b. Chardonnay

c. Snapple

d. Slim Fast

15. If death occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a Blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues way to die. So are the electric chair, substance abuse and dying lonely on a broken-down cot. You can't have a Blues death if you die during a tennis match or while getting liposuction.

16. Some Blues names for women:

a. Sadie

b. Big Mama

c. Bessie

d. Fat River Dumpling

17.Some Blues names for men:

a. Joe

b. Willie

c. Little Willie

d. Big Willie

18. Persons with names like Michelle, Amber, Jennifer, Debbie, and Heather can't sing the Blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.

19. Blues Name Starter Kit

a. name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame, etc.)

b. first name (see above) plus name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi,

etc.)

c. last name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.)

For example: Blind Lime Jefferson, Pegleg Lemon Johnson or Cripple Kiwi Fillmore, etc. (Well, maybe not "Kiwi.")

20. And I don't care how tragic your life is, if anyone in your family plays soccer, you can't sing the blues.

--------------------

Uncle Kram · Post by **Uncle Kram** » Thu Jan 19, 2006 11:32 am

Valerie - This is superb

Bez · Post by **Bez** » Thu Jan 19, 2006 11:55 am

This really made me laugh. My 'husband' likes some blues music...I call it "Slit your throat" stuff.....sooooo depressing.

Uncle Kram · Post by **Uncle Kram** » Thu Jan 19, 2006 12:00 pm

Tonight Matthew, I'm gonna be Constipated Strawberry Eisenhower

"Woke up this...afternoon......"

Accountable · Post by **Accountable** » Thu Jan 19, 2006 12:16 pm

This here's a song I wrote call the Forum Garden Blues!

Weeeeeellllll I'm wanderin' thru Forum Garden, when I oughta be cleanin' house.

I said I'm wanderin' thru Forum Garden, when I oughta be cleanin' house.

If my wife she catch me typin'

Find out real quick who's man or mouse!

*Blow that harmonica!*

Bez · Post by **Bez** » Thu Jan 19, 2006 12:23 pm

Accountable wrote: This here's a song I wrote call the Forum Garden Blues!

Weeeeeellllll I'm wanderin' thru Forum Garden, when I oughta be cleanin' house.

I said I'm wanderin' thru Forum Garden, when I oughta be cleanin' house.

If my wife she catch me typin'

Find out real quick who's man or mouse!

*Blow that harmonica!*

hey...a 'Blues' song lyric competition !!!:D

Accountable · Post by **Accountable** » Thu Jan 19, 2006 12:26 pm

Bez wrote: hey...a 'Blues' song lyric competition !!!:D
With Turbo supplying the blues riffs to go between verses! :-6

valerie · Post by **valerie** » Thu Jan 19, 2006 12:28 pm

Bez wrote: hey...a 'Blues' song lyric competition !!!:D

I am soooo THERE!!

"Whoa my baby dun left me...

I say my baby dun left me

He dun took my german shepherd, too...

Oh my baby dun left me...

Now I'm singin' them ol' german shepherd blues..."

:guitarist

:p

StupidCowboyTricks · Post by **StupidCowboyTricks** » Thu Jan 19, 2006 1:56 pm

Clancy wrote:

I was tempted by this woman who only had one shoe

{same line but shout it a bit louder this time}

I was tempted by this wo--man who only had one shoe

'N when I looked down , I could see I only had one to

I said lets get together baby your looks they are so rare

{again, same line louder, don't enunciate, try babbling a bit}

I sayzz lets'a gert ta-ge-ther baaabee... your looks they are so rare

If we get together baby, our shoes become a pair

:guitarist

:-3 I aint that kind of woo-man, to become a pair of shoes. no,no,no,no,no,no

:-3 aint that kind of woo-man, to become a pair a shoes.

:-3 so i guess you had better hit that road with Jack and find yourself some other shoe to schmooze...........

sunny104 · Post by **sunny104** » Thu Jan 19, 2006 2:02 pm

Accountable · Post by **Accountable** » Thu Jan 19, 2006 2:13 pm

I'm watchin' Clancy tryin' to mate up - seems he can't find another shoe.

He's hittin' on pumps & clogs & gollashes - Even tried a Brogan, too.

I tell ya! He'd better have protection ....

Cream & spray & maybe latex a sock to boot. :wah:

StupidCowboyTricks · Post by **StupidCowboyTricks** » Thu Jan 19, 2006 2:48 pm

Clancy wrote:

I could never hit the road with jack 'coz I never was that way

{again, same line, and make barking noises to emphasize}

I could never hit the road with jack 'coz I never was that way

I'll take, LiL, N' Jill, and Margaret, n' maybe Ella-Mae

{again, yell this out because he's straight, and so am I'}

I'll take, LiL, N' Jill, and Margaret, n' maybe Ella-Mae

{big finish, full throttle , and take it home}

But If Mary shows up! {full stop} Well then the rest can stay away

.

:-3 Mary, Mary quite contrary, how does your garden grow?

:-3 You have food in the closet and every....thing hard work shows for.

:-3 you's a hard working Lady and that "Shoeman" is schuffling around your door.

Bez · Post by **Bez** » Thu Jan 19, 2006 2:51 pm

I was looking for inspiration for creating some lyrics and came across this.....only word that's missing is MOJO...what does that mean anyway !!!!

BAD LUCK BLUES

by Blind Lemon Jefferson

I wanna go home and I ain't got sufficient clothes,

doggone my bad luck soul,

Wanna go home and I ain't got sufficient clothes;

I mean sufficient, talking about clothes,

Well, I wanna go home, but I ain't got sufficient clothes.

I bet my money, and I lost it, Lord, it's so,

doggone my bad luck soul,

Mmm, lost it, ain't it so?

I mean lost it, speakin' about so, now,

I'll never bet on the deuce-trey-queen no more.

"Mama, I can't gamble." "Son, why don't you quit tryin'?"

Doggone my bad luck soul,

"Mmm, why don't you quit tryin'?

"Why don't you quit, I mean tryin'?" "

"That joker stole off with that long-haired brown of mine."

Sugar, you catch the Katy, I'll catch that Santa Fe,

doggone my bad luck soul,

Sugar, you catch that Katy and I'll catch that Santa Fe;

I mean the Santy, speakin' about Fe,

When you get in Denver, pretty mama, look around for me.

The woman I love's 'bout five feet from the ground,

doggone my bad luck soul,

Hey, five feet from the ground;

Five feet from the, I mean ground,

She's a tailor-made woman, she ain't no hand-me-down.

I ain't seen my sugar in three long weeks today,

doggone my bad luck soul,

I ain't seen my sugar, three long weeks today;

Three long weeks to- I mean day, girl,

It's been so long, seems like my heart's gonn' break.

I'm gonna run 'cross town, catch that southbound Santa Fe,

doggone my bad luck soul,

Mmm, Lord, that Santa Fe;

I mean the Santy, speakin' about Fe,

Be on my way to what they call lovin' Tennessee

Bez · Post by **Bez** » Thu Jan 19, 2006 2:52 pm

BLACK CAT HOOT OWL BLUES

by Ma Rainey

Sp: Meow - (male voice:) Scat!

Black cat on my doorstep, black cat on my window-sill

Black cat on my doorstep, black cat on my window-sill

If one black cat don't cross me, another black cat will

It's bad luck if I'm jolly, bad luck if I cry

It's bad luck if I'm jolly, bad luck if I cry

It's bad luck if I stay here, it's still more bad luck if I die

Last night a hootin' owl come and sit right over my door

Last night a hootin' owl come and sit right over my door

A feelin' seems to tell me, I'll never see my man no more

I feel my left eye jumpin', my heart a-bumpin', I'm on my P's and Q's

I feel my brain a-thumpin', I got no time to lose

Mama's superstitious, tryin' to overcome these blues

StupidCowboyTricks · Post by **StupidCowboyTricks** » Thu Jan 19, 2006 3:07 pm

Mojo - A magical spell or item. Someone could put some bad mojo on you or you could carry a mojo hand to ward these evil intents.

...........................yeah Baby!

Bez · Post by **Bez** » Thu Jan 19, 2006 4:23 pm

StupidCowboyTricks wrote: Mojo - A magical spell or item. Someone could put some bad mojo on you or you could carry a mojo hand to ward these evil intents.

...........................yeah Baby!

Makes sense !!!:D

Accountable · Post by **Accountable** » Tue Feb 14, 2006 10:02 am

I'm sittin' here missin' my baby.

She done gone & flew away.

She's gone to Okinawa.

For five weeks she's s'posed to stay.

I don't wanna be so lonely

So I'll be Gardenin' night & day.

*Harmonica solo*

Wah Waaaaaah Waaawa ___ Waaaaawaawawa

Wah Tugutugutugutugutu wa weeeee bawaaoouuwaaoouu waaaahhhh

woo woo waah wawawa waaahaa

Wa WEEEEE we we wa wa waaaaaaahh!!

Gonna be blue all day. I'll be blue till sun is shade.

I SAY I'm gonna be blue all day. Gotta be blue till sun turns to shade.

But puttin' one foot n front of the other

Guess I'll keep on goin' my way.

Wa we wa wa wu wu wuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu .......

Accountable · Post by **Accountable** » Sun Apr 09, 2006 4:22 am

Bumpin' this for the newbies, maybe one o' them's got the blues.

Say I'm bumpin' this for the newbies, maybe one o' them's got the blues.

I'll just kick it with my 'monica

While I wait for them to take the cue.

AussiePam · Post by **AussiePam** » Sun Apr 09, 2006 6:06 am

I'm still up dis evenin when I should be in bed

Yeah I'm still up dis evenin when I should be in bed

Bad company's waitin, but there's rhymes in me head