Is 18 really adult age

minks · Post by **minks** » Fri Jan 06, 2006 11:12 am

Oh gosh I am floored.

I just got off the phone with my 18 year old daughter. If anyone doesn't know it, she lives apart from me with friends. She is very mature, doing well and loving her independence. She has started to rebuild her relationship with her father however.... he is a complete jack ass.

He drank socially when we were married, from what i see now in divorce he drinks even more.

Last night he called our oldest daughter and asked her and her BF to pick him up from the bar and take him home, he was too drunk to drive. My daughter finds it humorous, I find his behaviour disgusting. He continues to be a crapp arsed shitty role model. My question is, is an 18 year old adult enough to see this behavior in her father and not have some kind of ill affect/effect down the line.

This is not uncommon of him to get silly assed drunk. Before christmas he was so bad he fell out of his vehicle upon arrival at home and landed face first onto the cement. He was cut and bruised (no he was not driving) he literally crawled on hands and knees into the house and guess who witnessed it... Jr Minks. I can't believe he performs like this infront of the children. I am by no means a prude but this is getting stupid.

StupidCowboyTricks · Post by **StupidCowboyTricks** » Fri Jan 06, 2006 11:16 am

minks wrote: Oh gosh I am floored.

I just got off the phone with my 18 year old daughter. If anyone doesn't know it, she lives apart from me with friends. She is very mature, doing well and loving her independence. She has started to rebuild her relationship with her father however.... he is a complete jack ass.

He drank socially when we were married, from what i see now in divorce he drinks even more.

Last night he called our oldest daughter and asked her and her BF to pick him up from the bar and take him home, he was too drunk to drive. My daughter finds it humorous, I find his behaviour disgusting. He continues to be a crapp arsed shitty role model. My question is, is an 18 year old adult enough to see this behavior in her father and not have some kind of ill affect/effect down the line.

This is not uncommon of him to get silly assed drunk. Before christmas he was so bad he fell out of his vehicle upon arrival at home and landed face first onto the cement. He was cut and bruised (no he was not driving) he literally crawled on hands and knees into the house and guess who witnessed it... Jr Minks. I can't believe he performs like this infront of the children. I am by no means a prude but this is getting stupid.

It sounds as if he has a problem and he is after all her father.....have you had a talk with her?

minks · Post by **minks** » Fri Jan 06, 2006 11:52 am

StupidCowboyTricks wrote: It sounds as if he has a problem and he is after all her father.....have you had a talk with her?
I could but I don't really know what to tell her without pointing out the fact I think he is an utter ass. She has craved his attention all her life, and I just don't know what I would say to get my point across that he is a poor role model without hurting her.

minks · Post by **minks** » Fri Jan 06, 2006 11:53 am

ArnoldLayne wrote: I think your daughter chooses to see through it, maybe denying there is a problem at all. You said they are rebuilding their relationship and it may be difficult for her to see anything but positive, choosing to gloss over any imperfections. She is at an age where choosing all her decisions, right or wrong ,is an important step in her maturing from a teenager to a woman. I do agree though that your ex is being incredibly irresponsible in behaving in such a manner in front of jr Minks. My sisters ex partner behaves pretty much the same way and her kids (15 and 13) are getting very tired of it, prefering not to visit him.

Jr minks has an obvious role model in yourself, so maybe that should be your priority.

IMHO

I agree, she sees negative attention as attention and is just happy he calls her. Pity huh.

Jr minks remains ovlivious as long as when she sees her dad he buys something and lets her spend time on the computer. Pity that too.

StupidCowboyTricks · Post by **StupidCowboyTricks** » Fri Jan 06, 2006 12:17 pm

minks wrote: I could but I don't really know what to tell her without pointing out the fact I think he is an utter ass. She has craved his attention all her life, and I just don't know what I would say to get my point across that he is a poor role model without hurting her.

Without her getting on the defensive, you could mention your concern about her fathers drinking and feel her out.

Maybe by doing this she could be beneficial with him getting help.

Wasn't your X living in the U.S.?

minks · Post by **minks** » Fri Jan 06, 2006 12:18 pm

StupidCowboyTricks wrote: Without her getting on the defensive, you could mention your concern about her fathers drinking and feel her out.

Maybe by doing this she could be beneficial with him getting help.

Wasn't your X living in the U.S.?

naw he is here has always been here. Yes that could be a good tactic. I shall give it a whirl.

minks · Post by **minks** » Fri Jan 06, 2006 1:50 pm

moverguy wrote: Jack ass or not, he snap enough to call for aide. Sometimes seeing one's parents as human, weak and vulnerable is necessary for multitudes of reason.

Habitually inebriation and poor behavior is another story.

BUT your little one is not so little anymore, and this is where the metal meets the meat.

If she is YOUR daughter, then bets are she will be just fine, drunks arse dad or not

No worries MUM, she has you for guidance, always, right?

One outta 2 parents I guess ain't so bad.

Peg · Post by **Peg** » Fri Jan 06, 2006 2:51 pm

I think he may have taught her (the 18 y.o.) a valuable lesson. At least he was smart enough not to drink and drive. His choice of WHO to call may not have been his brightest moment.

minks · Post by **minks** » Fri Jan 06, 2006 2:57 pm

Peg wrote: I think he may have taught her (the 18 y.o.) a valuable lesson. At least he was smart enough not to drink and drive. His choice of WHO to call may not have been his brightest moment.

yes after a chat today at lunch the daughter said likely if pulled over (daughter only has learners, has to drive accompnied with a responsible adult) the police officer would say ok you know the responsible adult is wasted however because you are sober we can let it go

Bez · Post by **Bez** » Fri Jan 06, 2006 3:03 pm

I guess that as he is her Dad, she is tolerating his behaviour because she loves him.....she'll tire of it in time and won't respect him....specially if he embarrases her in front of her friends.

I think all you can do is point out that his behaviour bought a lot of unhappiness on the family and that he is using her....which he is...it's hard, but i think that she'll see him for what he is eventually. Hang on in there Minks....hugs...

minks · Post by **minks** » Fri Jan 06, 2006 3:06 pm

Bez wrote: I guess that as he is her Dad, she is tolerating his behaviour because she loves him.....she'll tire of it in time and won't respect him....specially if he embarrases her in front of her friends.

I think all you can do is point out that his behaviour bought a lot of unhappiness on the family and that he is using her....which he is...it's hard, but i think that she'll see him for what he is eventually. Hang on in there Minks....hugs...
thanks Bez I agree he is an embarassment and he asked her that today if he embarassed her and she said no. Soooo I guess we leave it be.

jennyswan · Post by **jennyswan** » Fri Jan 06, 2006 4:29 pm

Hi Minks,

Laughing about it might be her way of dealing with it. I think though at 18 she is probably pretty savvy. At 18 I certainly recognised who was an ass and who wasn't.

She is lucky to have you as such a great mom.!!

OpenMind · Post by **OpenMind** » Fri Jan 06, 2006 5:22 pm

Minks, I don't think you've anything to worry about. It doesn't sound like your daughter is going to follow in her father's footsteps.

It seems that she's chosen to be there for him cause he's her father; and that's not a bad quality in anyone, particularly of thast age (especally when so many youngsters of that age turn to illegal pursuits these days).

It looks like you've brought her up well that she has a sense of responsibility towards her father. 18 is now the age where we recognise that a human being can and has to make their own dicisions. The important thing is to be someone she can turn to for advice, but without pressure.

nvalleyvee · Post by **nvalleyvee** » Fri Jan 06, 2006 6:49 pm

You could get drafted at 18 - if the draft was alive.

You can vote at 18.

You can't drink until you are 21.

So go die for your country but get busted for having a beer if you're under 21.

You are emancipated from your parents at 18.

YES - you are a sober adult at 18 - so don't have a beer.

This whole issue pisses me off.

minks · Post by **minks** » Fri Jan 06, 2006 7:57 pm

nvalleyvee wrote: You could get drafted at 18 - if the draft was alive.

You can vote at 18.

You can't drink until you are 21.

So go die for your country but get busted for having a beer if you're under 21.

You are emancipated from your parents at 18.

YES - you are a sober adult at 18 - so don't have a beer.

This whole issue pisses me off.

here in this province you can drink legally at 18

thanks gang for all the good advise and kind words. I have to say this my daughter at 18 prefers not to drink and get silly drunk, sadly for her she spent her childhood watching many an adult do just that, these were good friends of ours from way back. She watched me take a smack from a so called friend, when I tried to drive him, his wife and young child home as he was horribly drunk. She was hurt at about age 4 by a great uncle who was carrying her, and stumbled in drunkeness and fell dropping her along the way. She is no stranger to it's ill effects. She is blessed with a boyfriend who never drinks so they make a lovely responsible pair and my hat is off to her for still coming to her fathers aid when he does something she is very against. She makes me very proud. Do not worry I do not talk down about her father to her, I totally respect the fact she is trying with him.

minks · Post by **minks** » Fri Jan 06, 2006 8:06 pm

mrsK wrote: If he keeps going the way he is she will soon get sick of seeing him blind drunk all the time ,& either tell him what she thinks about the situation ,or just tell him not to come around or call her if he is drinking.

:-6

or end up visiting him in rehab or the hospital.

minks · Post by **minks** » Fri Jan 06, 2006 8:26 pm

mrsK wrote: It's a sad thing to watch someone wreck their lives over a compulsion to drink,the person has to help themselves or get help.

I hope your daughter doesn't have to visit her Dad in rehab or in hospital:-1

I think your daughter will see whats happening & eventually say something to him,I hope it sinks in for both their sakes,before it is to late for Dad & so she can have a better relationship with him.

:-6

as do I.

RedGlitter · Post by **RedGlitter** » Sat Jan 07, 2006 12:54 am

and I just don't know what I would say to get my point across that he is a poor role model without hurting her.

__________________

I agree with Peg. And sometimes a "bad" role model can be the best kind- for showing you how not to be. 18 isn't the most mature age but it can be old enough to see the light in many situations. I sure wouldn't call your ex a jackass in front of your daughter, because he is after all, her dad. He did choose to get a ride which even though he should have called someone older with a license, he made a wise choice not to drive. I bet if you tried, you could tell her of your concern in a constructive way.

BabyRider · Post by **BabyRider** » Sat Jan 07, 2006 1:02 am

Minks, I am posting this reply without reading any of the other responses, so if I'm repeating someone forgive me, please.

I think it's not such a bad thing to allow your kids to see him for what he really is. It may be difficult at first, but they will appreciate the honesty later.

In my family, there were many skeletons in the closet that came out much later in my life and caused some serious crap between close family members. I have chosen a different tactic to use with my son, and I shelter him from very little. My openness and being up front with him about family issues makes for good communication between us. I trust his judgement and have seen it pay off in decisions he makes. At 16, he is a very responsible young man, and I believe that handling things this way is a major reason for it.

I wish you the very best luck with this, there's nothing tougher than raising kids alone.

StupidCowboyTricks · Post by **StupidCowboyTricks** » Sat Jan 07, 2006 1:35 am

minks wrote: or end up visiting him in rehab or the hospital.

which is far better then to watch him die from cirrhosis of the liver. I lost my brother to that a year and a half ago,

it was a awful, he was only 53, everybody's liver is different.