Glad To Be Drunk

[Bella_Boo]

A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, pal. You're obviously drunk."

Our wasted friend asked, "Officer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?"

"Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go."

Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank goodness, I thought I was crippled."

[nvalleyvee]

Bella_Boo wrote: A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, pal. You're obviously drunk."

Our wasted friend asked, "Officer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?"

"Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go."

Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank goodness, I thought I was crippled."


LOL

[Bella_Boo]

A Really Bad DayThere was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.

Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."

"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away."

"I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."

[Bella_Boo]

Signs That You are Too DrunkYou lose arguments with inanimate objects.

You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.

Your job is interfering with your drinking.

Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alchohol stream.

Your career won't progress beyond Senator from Massachusetts.

The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.

You sincerely believe alchohol is the elusive 5th food group.

24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case - coincidence? I think not!

Two hands and just one mouth.. - now THAT'S a drinking problem!

You can focus better with one eye closed.

The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.

You fall off the floor..

Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.

Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!

Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you.

At AA meetings you begin: 'Hi my name is.. uh..'

Your idea of cutting back is less salt.

You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom, you fell asleep clothed.

The whole bar says 'Hi' when you come in..

You think the Four Basic Food Groups are Caffeine, Nicotine, Alchohol, and [Women or Men].

Every night you're beginning to find your roommate's cat more and more attractive.

Roseanne looks good.

Don't recognize wife unless seen through bottom of glass.

That damned pink elephant followed me home again.

I'm as sober as a judge.

The shrubbery's drunk from too frequent watering.

You wake up screaming 'TORO TORO TORO!' in the middle of the night.

[Valerie100]

Why did the blonde woman have bruises around her bellybutton?

Her boyfriend was blonde, too!

[BabyRider]

A drunk walks into a bar and says, "Bartender! Gimme 4 shots of Jack Daniels, and hurry up!"

The bartender lines up 4 shots and the drunk downs them, one after the other.

The bartender looks on in amazement and says, "Geeze, buddy, what the hell? I've never seen anyone toss back liquor like that!"

The drunk looks at the bartender, a bit sadly and says, "If you had what I've got, you'd do the same thing."

Backing away slightly, wondering if the drunk is contagious, the bartender asks, "Why? What have you got?"

The drunk pats his pockets and says, "37 cents."

[BabyRider]

(This joke loses something when not told in person with the 'drunk slur', but I'll try it anyway.)



A drunk walks into a bar and sits down and says, "Bartender, gimme a drink, get the whole place one and get a beer for yourself!"

The bartender gets a round for the bar, slides the drunk his drink and downs a beer himself. He goes to the drunk and says, "That'll be $24.00, pal." THe drunk looks confused, pats his pockets and says, "But....I don't have any money...."

Ticked off, the bartender grabs the drunk and tosses him out into the street.



Next day, here comes the same drunk. "Bartender! Gimme a drink, get the whole place one and get one for yourself, too!!"

Figuring there's no way the drunk will do the same thing to him 2 days in a row, the bartender ships out the drinks and sucks down a beer himself. "That round comes to $36.00, pal."

Yet again, the drunk looks perplexed, searches his pockets and says, "But....I don't have any money...."

Now the bartender is really p!ssed and grabs the drunk by the scruff of the neck and the seat of the pants and tosses him out the door.



Next day....yep...here comes the same drunk. Walks in, sits down and says, "Bartender! Get me a drink, get the whole place one.....but nothing for you, 'cuz you get rowdy when you drink."