Crap -- am I stupid or what

nvalleyvee · Post by **nvalleyvee** » Mon Oct 31, 2005 10:35 pm

Bts talked about his wife (the ex for many years) at at party on Saturday. I am his wife. He talked about her as if she was his wife. It upset me. I interjected EX- Wife. We had a great time that night.............we"ve been married for 4 months and they were married for 27 years.. I'm deflated.......

orangesox1 · Post by **orangesox1** » Mon Oct 31, 2005 10:40 pm

nvalleyvee wrote: Bts talked about his wife (the ex for many years) at at party on Saturday. I am his wife. He talked about her as if she was his wife. It upset me. I interjected EX- Wife. We had a great time that night.............we"ve been married for 4 months and they were married for 27 years.. I'm deflated.......

I can understand you being upset and you have a right to be too. You should talk to him about being a bit more sensitive in that area. I'm sure he loves you very much but guys can sometimes be a little insensitve to things and often don't see things the way we do.

nvalleyvee · Post by **nvalleyvee** » Mon Oct 31, 2005 10:43 pm

Isn't that the truth = BONEHEAD

orangesox1 · Post by **orangesox1** » Mon Oct 31, 2005 10:48 pm

nvalleyvee wrote: Isn't that the truth = BONEHEAD

I think I am just learning to understand how different men are when it comes to just about everything. I go out with a really nice guy, but talk about thinking differently, he and I are getting ready to go camping and he brought his esky around with his and his Ex wifes name on it, I just cleaned her name of it took me ages, and didn't bother him but it bothered me.

nvalleyvee · Post by **nvalleyvee** » Mon Oct 31, 2005 11:02 pm

orangesox1 wrote: I think I am just learning to understand how different men are when it comes to just about everything. I go out with a really nice guy, but talk about thinking differently, he and I are getting ready to go camping and he brought his esky around with his and his Ex wifes name on it, I just cleaned her name of it took me ages, and didn't bother him but it bothered me.

Wow AND ...............DITTO

orangesox1 · Post by **orangesox1** » Mon Oct 31, 2005 11:44 pm

Another thing he did without even thinking was... He moved into a new house after we had been going out for a couple of months, so he took his old wedding photos of the wall at his old place and put them up in his new place. I went round a couple of weeks later and took them down, I told him "if your going to take me to bed, it's not going to be while you have your wedding photos up". Didn't bother him that I took them down, he just doesn't think.

Bothwell · Post by **Bothwell** » Tue Nov 01, 2005 1:36 am

Didn't bother him that I took them down, he just doesn't think.

A perfect summation of the male physce

Valerie100 · Post by **Valerie100** » Tue Nov 01, 2005 3:27 am

It sounds like you're living in his ex-wife's shadow a bit. Does he still love her? I don't know. It was probably just an old habit of his with her that kicked in. Tell him not to do that to you again, to remember his place is with you and not her, and let him know how it made you feel.

If she is still going to be in the picture at all, it might not be a bad thing if you formed a friendship with the woman. She can probably tell you some stuff about him that you don't yet know, anyway, and I know that you don't want to hear that. This way, though, rather than living in her shadow you can be a friend of hers and change the dynamics around your household a bit!

orangesox1 · Post by **orangesox1** » Tue Nov 01, 2005 3:48 am

Bothwell wrote: .

A perfect summation of the male physce

I know and now I have a better understaning of the way men think, I understand him better.

I learned a lot from the humorous post that ACC Nomad Far and I think Wolverine posted about the way men think, I can't remember what they called it but it was really true.

Accountable · Post by **Accountable** » Tue Nov 01, 2005 4:59 am

I was going to post something about you being more understanding of his hurt, blah blah blah, then re-read your original post. I first thought you said he was stalking his ex at a party. :yh_rotfl

Galbally · Post by **Galbally** » Tue Nov 01, 2005 6:17 am

Although I don't agree with a lot of the things that women think about men, I think in this instance its fair enough to say that sometimes men don't think about things like this, or at least are not very sensitive to them. Though if you kind of explain why you feel a bit upset about it (without coming over all paranoid) then, if he is in anyway thoughtful, he will be more considerate in future. I suppose if you've been with someone for that long its quite easy to slip them into the present tense when mentioning them, that doesn't mean that he would be thinking about her all the time or actually even likes her any more, just force of habit.

actionfigurestepho · Post by **actionfigurestepho** » Tue Nov 01, 2005 7:56 am

I think it would be hard to break a habit of 27 years. I understand why it would bother you, but he probably didn't even notice that the "ex" didn't even slip out. Most guys wouldn't notice if their heads were on fire, much less if the accidenly committed a tiny faux pas.

minks · Post by **minks** » Tue Nov 01, 2005 8:13 am

Awww NV I can't blame you for feeling so miserable about silly BTS and his "male" ways.

I read an interesting article once and basically is said "women are emotional thinkers due to their nurturing nature" where men are "technical thinkers due to their hunt and gather nature" Doesn't mean they are doing these things on purpose they just see life a little bit differently than women. Guess we either accept it, or we continue to let it get the better of us.

actionfigurestepho · Post by **actionfigurestepho** » Tue Nov 01, 2005 8:21 am

Or we can try to train them like wayward puppies.

Lon · Post by **Lon** » Tue Nov 01, 2005 8:32 am

nvalleyvee wrote: Bts talked about his wife (the ex for many years) at at party on Saturday. I am his wife. He talked about her as if she was his wife. It upset me. I interjected EX- Wife. We had a great time that night.............we"ve been married for 4 months and they were married for 27 years.. I'm deflated.......

Don't be upset or deflated. I was married 30 years to my ex (deceased wife) and was single for 5 years before remarrying. Present wife and I have now been married 13 years. We both on occasion will mention or talk about our ex spouses. It might be that you are a bit sensitive and insecure. Don't be. As I truly love my present wife, I am sure your husband loves you, but he was with his ex for 27 years and it's quite natural that she will come up in his sphere of conversation.

minks · Post by **minks** » Tue Nov 01, 2005 8:43 am

actionfigurestepho wrote: Or we can try to train them like wayward puppies.

And the words "Sit!, Stay!" pop into my head.

Galbally · Post by **Galbally** » Tue Nov 01, 2005 10:25 am

actionfigurestepho wrote: Or we can try to train them like wayward puppies.

Now thats unfair, though I did spend today chewing on an old bone, chasing the local cats, and biting the postman. So if we are like dogs, are ye like cats? You know all feminine and mysterious, or just contrary with hissy fits now and again?.

BabyRider · Post by **BabyRider** » Tue Nov 01, 2005 10:26 am

Sorry guys, I'm not buyin' it. "We need time to break habits" or "we just don't think" falls pretty flat with me. That dog won't hunt. You're not stupid, and you're not oblivious. NV deserves the respect, as Mrs. BTS to be thought of better than that. It's funny how these little "habits" of yours are always something like this, while we can't get you into the "habit" of say, taking out the garbage or loading the dishwasher.

Nope, I don't buy it for a second. BTS was wrong and deserves a cuff in the back of the head. Hard.

And this:

Galbally wrote:

Although I don't agree with a lot of the things that women think about men,

means what, exactly? How about some of the ways men think about women?

Lon · Post by **Lon** » Tue Nov 01, 2005 10:36 am

WOW!!! I am really surprised at the reaction by most of the females. Bts was married for 27 years to his ex wife for cryin out loud and it would be quite natural for her to be discussed at a party, particularly if he was talking with people that might have known her. I think there is more to this story than what was stated. I think the real objetion was that she was even mentioned, period. Insecurity creepin in perhaps???

Galbally · Post by **Galbally** » Tue Nov 01, 2005 10:41 am

BabyRider wrote: Sorry guys, I'm not buyin' it. "We need time to break habits" or "we just don't think" falls pretty flat with me. That dog won't hunt. You're not stupid, and you're not oblivious. NV deserves the respect, as Mrs. BTS to be thought of better than that. It's funny how these little "habits" of yours are always something like this, while we can't get you into the "habit" of say, taking out the garbage or loading the dishwasher.

Nope, I don't buy it for a second. BTS was wrong and deserves a cuff in the back of the head. Hard.

And this:

means what, exactly? How about some of the ways men think about women?

Oh dear, erm, well. I should have said I dislike generalizations in, well, general about anyone regardless of sex, race, creed, or hairstyle. I think there is probably a grain of truth in some of them, you know Germans are Efficient, Americans are gogetters, women are illogical, men are idiots, the pope is a catholic, etc etc. But when you you break it down to individuals we are all equally hapless morons. (George Bush is in a catagory of his own here).

And don't get all upset cause I said that women are illogical, cause if you do then you will be acting emotionally and therefore illogicaly, get out of that one!

SOJOURNER · Post by **SOJOURNER** » Tue Nov 01, 2005 12:04 pm

nvalleyvee wrote: Bts talked about his wife (the ex for many years) at at party on Saturday. I am his wife. He talked about her as if she was his wife. It upset me. I interjected EX- Wife. We had a great time that night.............we"ve been married for 4 months and they were married for 27 years.. I'm deflated.......

I would venture to guess that if he was relating stories, they were funny stories. The fact that he said "wife" most likely was his way of placing the relationship to him about this woman........ In his mind, if he said ex-wife, it would place the tale as a present occurance, rather than one from 20 some years ago. What he probably should have said was "when I was previous married, my then-wife blah, blah, blah................ or my first wife blah, blah, blah. Then you could counter with a story of "my CURRENT husband.............. and watch him sweat instead.....

valerie · Post by **valerie** » Tue Nov 01, 2005 12:23 pm

orangesox1 wrote: I think I am just learning to understand how different men are when it comes to just about everything. I go out with a really nice guy, but talk about thinking differently, he and I are getting ready to go camping and he brought his esky around with his and his Ex wifes name on it, I just cleaned her name of it took me ages, and didn't bother him but it bothered me.

Please, what is an esky?

orangesox1 · Post by **orangesox1** » Tue Nov 01, 2005 12:30 pm

valerie wrote: Please, what is an esky?

If your a bloke you put ice in it and fill it with beer when you go to a party, if your a woman you put ice in and fill it with food when you go camping or out for a day picnicing. What do you call it?:-3

Galbally · Post by **Galbally** » Tue Nov 01, 2005 12:56 pm

orangesox1 wrote: If your a bloke you put ice in it and fill it with beer when you go to a party, if your a woman you put ice in and fill it with food when you go camping or out for a day picnicing. What do you call it?:-3

Ehhmmm, the child you wish you'd never had? No hold on, is it your brain?, though I'm not sure what the ice would be for. No no, wait, I've got it, its a midget eskimo. Oh thats not very politically correct is it, I mean a vertically challenged innuit or whatever it is you call them nowadays.

orangesox1 · Post by **orangesox1** » Tue Nov 01, 2005 12:58 pm

Galbally wrote: Ehhmmm, the child you wish you'd never had? No hold on, is it your brain?, though I'm not sure what the ice would be for.

:yh_rotfl :yh_rotfl to keep it cool and save on air conditioning.

Galbally · Post by **Galbally** » Tue Nov 01, 2005 1:00 pm

orangesox1 wrote: :yh_rotfl :yh_rotfl to keep it cool and save on air conditioning.

See thats why you guys over there are on the big money, always thinking ahead.

BabyRider · Post by **BabyRider** » Tue Nov 01, 2005 1:22 pm

Lon wrote: WOW!!! I am really surprised at the reaction by most of the females. Bts was married for 27 years to his ex wife for cryin out loud and it would be quite natural for her to be discussed at a party, particularly if he was talking with people that might have known her. I think there is more to this story than what was stated. I think the real objetion was that she was even mentioned, period. Insecurity creepin in perhaps???
Um, no one said that discussing her was unusual. Referring to her as "wife" as opposed to "ex-wife" is the problem. Why do men always think there is some underlying hidden "insecurity" lurking about? It's a pitiful excuse to divert attention from the actual problem: the MAN'S thoughtlessness. NV is perfectly reasonable in her wish that the EX wife be referred to as the EX wife.

Galbally · Post by **Galbally** » Tue Nov 01, 2005 2:11 pm

BabyRider wrote: Um, no one said that discussing her was unusual. Referring to her as "wife" as opposed to "ex-wife" is the problem. Why do men always think there is some underlying hidden "insecurity" lurking about? It's a pitiful excuse to divert attention from the actual problem: the MAN'S thoughtlessness. NV is perfectly reasonable in her wish that the EX wife be referred to as the EX wife.

Does it not depend on whether he is at this all the time or just did it once, we've all called out current partner by our ex's name by mistake, once, havn't we? Oh I'm hanging myself here. If its a slip of the toungue sure thats just that, but if he's at it all the time by all means, sting the b*stard up by his gonads.

valerie · Post by **valerie** » Tue Nov 01, 2005 4:09 pm

Hmmm, my sis is on her second husband with the same name!!

:yh_rotfl

(OSox, we call 'em ice chests or coolers but I think I'll adopt esky

from here on out... I like the way it sounds!!)

;)

orangesox1 · Post by **orangesox1** » Tue Nov 01, 2005 4:12 pm

valerie wrote: Hmmm, my sis is on her second husband with the same name!!

:yh_rotfl

(OSox, we call 'em ice chests or coolers but I think I'll adopt esky

from here on out... I like the way it sounds!!)

;)

I would find that difficult, I know someone with some charateristics the same as my Ex and it puts me off being his friend, I just associate him with him because of it.

Wolverine · Post by **Wolverine** » Tue Nov 01, 2005 4:16 pm

Galbally wrote: Oh dear, erm, well. I should have said I dislike generalizations in, well, general about anyone regardless of sex, race, creed, or hairstyle. I think there is probably a grain of truth in some of them, you know Germans are Efficient, Americans are gogetters, women are illogical, men are idiots, the pope is a catholic, etc etc. But when you you break it down to individuals we are all equally hapless morons. (George Bush is in a catagory of his own here).

And don't get all upset cause I said that women are illogical, cause if you do then you will be acting emotionally and therefore illogicaly, get out of that one!
yep.

Jives · Post by **Jives** » Tue Nov 01, 2005 4:38 pm

Hey BR - that knife cuts both ways, girl.

I have a box of letters in the back of my closet from the most passionate affair in my life...my high school girlfriend.

When my wife found them one day, she wanted to throw them away. (Actually she did, I had to dig them out of the trash) She told me that "she should be the only woman in my life." And the fact that I saved those letters means that I don't love her.

I got upset with her. I don't talk about that girl any more, I don't read the letters in front of her, and I don't refer to her in front of my wife. Heck, I don't even send her a Christmas card anymore. My wife is right, she is the only woman in my life.

But those are my memories. And some day when I am on my death bed, and the doctors give me a couple of days to live, or maybe after my wife is dead, and I'm all alone in this world, I may want to reread those letters and remember my youth.

That's my right.

Nomad · Post by **Nomad** » Tue Nov 01, 2005 4:40 pm

actionfigurestepho wrote: I think it would be hard to break a habit of 27 years. I understand why it would bother you, but he probably didn't even notice that the "ex" didn't even slip out. Most guys wouldn't notice if their heads were on fire, much less if the accidenly committed a tiny faux pas.

I feel quite differently about this Stephy. I think....no Im very certain if my head were on fire Id know about it. Thats all I have to say on this for now.

actionfigurestepho · Post by **actionfigurestepho** » Wed Nov 02, 2005 5:15 pm

Well that's because you're much more evolved than your garden-variety male type. I think most of the guys on FG here are slightly more observant and sensitive than most men in general.

nvalleyvee · Post by **nvalleyvee** » Wed Nov 02, 2005 5:25 pm

Thanks people - I know I was being overly sensitive. But I did have to say Ex-wife because people at the party turned around and looked at me. It was a party of my friends and he had never met them before. Like I said - we had a great time that night. I just wanted input because I have never been married that long and I was sure it was a slip of the tongue. I love him and I know he loves me so I chalked it up to a slip. I really liked all the different opinions though. There were things I had not thought about.

BabyRider · Post by **BabyRider** » Wed Nov 02, 2005 5:32 pm

I'm glad this thread got bumped, so I could see this reply.

Jives wrote: Hey BR - that knife cuts both ways, girl.

I have a box of letters in the back of my closet from the most passionate affair in my life...my high school girlfriend.

When my wife found them one day, she wanted to throw them away. (Actually she did, I had to dig them out of the trash) She told me that "she should be the only woman in my life." And the fact that I saved those letters means that I don't love her.

I got upset with her. I don't talk about that girl any more, I don't read the letters in front of her, and I don't refer to her in front of my wife. Heck, I don't even send her a Christmas card anymore. My wife is right, she is the only woman in my life.

But those are my memories. And some day when I am on my death bed, and the doctors give me a couple of days to live, or maybe after my wife is dead, and I'm all alone in this world, I may want to reread those letters and remember my youth.

That's my right.
I'd be pissed about this, too. If my ol man were keeping letters from another woman there would be hell to pay. Talk about holding onto the past!

Nothing like being more concerned about your "rights" than what is important to the woman who IS in your life now. To keep those letters is a slap in the face to your wife. Period.

Jives · Post by **Jives** » Thu Nov 03, 2005 8:09 am

BabyRider wrote: I'm glad this thread got bumped, so I could see this reply.

I'd be pissed about this, too. If my ol man were keeping letters from another woman there would be hell to pay. Talk about holding onto the past!

Nothing like being more concerned about your "rights" than what is important to the woman who IS in your life now. To keep those letters is a slap in the face to your wife. Period.

So BR, do you have any pictures of old boyfriends? I know how hard girls hang on to pictures. What's the difference? I'd think a picture was even worse.:wah:

actionfigurestepho · Post by **actionfigurestepho** » Thu Nov 03, 2005 8:39 am

I LOVE re-reading letters from back in high school. They remind me of what an idiot I was, and to watch for warning signs, and they also remind me of how big of a deal some stuff used to be to me, stuff that now I kind of take for granted. They're like educational reading. The pictures all have his face cut out now though. Hate to ruin a lovely picture of myself or my friends with his ugly mug.:sneaky:

SOJOURNER · Post by **SOJOURNER** » Thu Nov 03, 2005 8:54 am

I too have little mementos from the past. They are items I don't even remember having until I happen across them. They brings a bit of nostalgia and I reminiscence a bit. But they are only memories of a past that has created the person I am today..........

cars · Post by **cars** » Wed Nov 09, 2005 3:01 pm

nvalleyvee wrote: Thanks people - I know I was being overly sensitive. But I did have to say Ex-wife because people at the party turned around and looked at me. It was a party of my friends and he had never met them before. Like I said - we had a great time that night. I just wanted input because I have never been married that long and I was sure it was a slip of the tongue. I love him and I know he loves me so I chalked it up to a slip. I really liked all the different opinions though. There were things I had not thought about.

As an observation, just curious. Was your husband speaking of his "ex" in a seemingly caring manner, or was he maybe "zinging" her to your friends? Why did the people keep turning around to "look" at you? :-2

venus · Post by **venus** » Wed Nov 09, 2005 3:22 pm

I have nothing l can think of from a previous man in my life...

Im with BR on this one its like a slap in the face, are they hanging on because they still think about them in 'that' way even if they are with you..

Makes me feel like lm not enough...:-1