There are some parts of life, such as women with their menstrual cycles, that go without saying as something that we (women AND men) need to accept. These so-called "normal" behaviors that come from hormonal changes or stress are excused as being such as a general rule. Since I am only in my second "big" relationship, and the two men couldn't be more different, I have yet to make these kinds of blanket statements about how men act.
So anyway, let's get to the crux of my issue(s). It might be easier if I just make a list, then maybe you all can tell me if these are normal or just jerk things to do. (Where do the two overlap?)
Some background: We met in college, graduated in 04, have been together 3 years, live 85 miles away from each other, have our own jobs and houses, and care very much for each other.
My problems with him:
- Communication; he is very stingy with his feelings and rarely shows any kind of emotion, and thus, I rarely know how he's really feeling about anything, which is very damaging in a long distance relationship where it really matters to hear how he's feeling when I can't see him
- Communication; as a long distance relationship, there needs to be an overcompensation of communication to make up for the lack in closeness, right? Well, he has 2 cell phones, a work phone, a home computer, laptop, and work computer - but is the single most IMPOSSIBLE person to get a hold of (phones break, networks go down, etc.) at any given time
- Schedule; he is the busiest person I have ever met in my life. He might have ADD, or maybe just 5 mens worth of ambition, but he is always running around, always doing something (works 60+ hours a week, goes to Grad School, etc.) and I am usually the last on the list of his priorities
- Schedule; he never makes plans. We don't talk about the weekend, the only time we have together during the week, until Thursday or Friday unless I bring it up and come up with something. If it is up to him, we never talk about it, and I end up sitting around waiting for him to make a move, while he does everything BUT something with me
- Independence; I moved out on my own as soon as I graduated. He just now bought a townhouse and started moving a year later, which is fine. However, he refuses to move ALL of his stuff out of his parent's house because apparently his mom will be really upset and have some kind of separation anxiety attack. He has been in his townhouse for 5 months and his room at his parent's house looks like he never left...
- Affection/Attention; I am a woman, and though an independent one, I have womanly needs. When we are together, he spends most of the time on the computer, watching TV, or running around doing errands of some kind. He doesn't believe in PDAs, and I could swear sometimes he doesn't believe in Private Displays of Affection! Unless he wants to have sex, which isn't often, he will rarely touch me. I, on the other hand, can't keep my hands off him and am always touching him in some way. When I do, he will either ignore me or walk away (not every time, but a lot of the time). I feel like I am just in the way.
Now, I understand that relationships change over time, that stress keeps people from doing their best in terms of pleasing their partners, and that men have different needs than women. I also want to mention that for the most part, he is very very sweet and caring. He tells me he loves me every day, he'd do anything for me if I were in any kind of trouble, he gets along great with my friends and parents, we are very happy together when we are together, he's extremely intelligent and almost too ambitious, he was an eagle scout, and is generally one of those do-gooder people. I just want to make sure I don't give all the negatives without mentioning some positives, because to be together for 3 years there has to be a reason!
I've asked him several times in the relationship if he thinks maybe he should be on his own to focus on school and work and then worry about a relationship in the future. I have always felt like I am just on the list of things he has to do, and that sometimes I am pretty close to the bottom of that list. Then again, he calls me every day at least once, drives back and forth to my house almost every weekend, has a lot of life changes going on, and clearly loves me very much.
Back to the original question: of the problems I've listed, are they just gender differences, or would I be valid in being upset about them? I can't help being upset, but I don't want to be giving him a hard time constantly if it's just something internalized that cannot be changed.
Sorry this is so long - thanks for reading...and any advice would be GREATLY appreciated. Thank you!!
:-4
