Dealing with the EX...

LilacDragon · Post by **LilacDragon** » Fri Oct 21, 2005 7:52 am

This got started in another thread and instead of hijacking that one, I thought I would start a new one.

My ex doesn't pay his taxes, so he doesn't get a return. He also has no retirement, since he's "self-employed". She'll get nothing from him. He's just so good at twisting things around & making me look like the bad guy. He even went as far as to tell her I wouldn't allow him to see or speak with her when she was younger!!! He NEVER BOTHERED!!!!! Not for Christmas, her birthday, NOTHING!!

Observer1 - have faith in yourself. While your daughter may believe his line of bull today chances are she will not as she gets older.

For years, every time my daughter got mad at me or my DH she would throw a fit and tell us that she wanted to go live with her dad. The one time she actually called him and asked to come live with him, he put her off with some kind of excuse.

Last summer, my older daughter (who is in college) gave their father the younger daughter's im name and he im'ed her but wouldn't tell her who he was. He just kept telling her things about herself that not many people knew. She got very upset, the older daughter called us to tell us who she was talking to online and things kind of deteriorated from there.

My ex- tried to tell her that he had tried to get her to come visit time and time again and I had refused! The problem was, everytime he lied, my daughter knew it was a lie! I didn't keep things like that from them and as much as I hate my ex - I would have let them visit if he had wanted them too.

So, have faith in yourself and your daughter. I don't know how old she is, but in time, she will realize that you are right and he is scum.

observer1 · Post by **observer1** » Fri Oct 21, 2005 8:04 am

My daughter is also 18. She goes back & forth, Lilac. I think it's all because, no matter how much of a scum he is (& she knows it!), she wants to please him & win his approval because, after all, he's her "dad". She doesn't know how loving a "true dad" can be. Therefore, she only knows this type of relationship. And unfortunately, she's cut more from his mold than mine. I love her to death & have always been & will continue to be there for her & my grandson (& soon-to-be-grandson). I've tried to do special things with & for her. Funny though, when we didn't have the money to do things, even though I was working 2 or 3 jobs, I was blamed, not him.

How can a person help but to be bitter?? Especially when our government is ALLOWING this to happen?? If I was to neglect her the way HE did, I would've been imprisoned. Shameful. My only consolation is that everything comes back to bite you in the end.

minks · Post by **minks** » Fri Oct 21, 2005 8:13 am

observer1 wrote: My daughter is also 18. She goes back & forth, Lilac. I think it's all because, no matter how much of a scum he is (& she knows it!), she wants to please him & win his approval because, after all, he's her "dad". She doesn't know how loving a "true dad" can be. Therefore, she only knows this type of relationship. And unfortunately, she's cut more from his mold than mine. I love her to death & have always been & will continue to be there for her & my grandson (& soon-to-be-grandson). I've tried to do special things with & for her. Funny though, when we didn't have the money to do things, even though I was working 2 or 3 jobs, I was blamed, not him.

How can a person help but to be bitter?? Especially when our government is ALLOWING this to happen?? If I was to neglect her the way HE did, I would've been imprisoned. Shameful. My only consolation is that everything comes back to bite you in the end.

Wow ladies couldn't we just write a book. My oldest is in the same boat. 18 and still seeking approval from her "non-father" Pity he can't see how he has ruined her.

LilacDragon · Post by **LilacDragon** » Fri Oct 21, 2005 8:15 am

You can't help but be bitter! I can't think of a single soul in the universe that I hate with the passion that I hate my ex husband! I quit college and went to work full time to support my girls. He went to college and got his degree! With the money that he should have been using to pay his child-support!

And now that I am looking for work, he is wasting his education, sitting on his butt at his mother's house, playing video games! And he is 50 freakin' years old!!! You would think by that age he would understand about responsibilities!

Every once in a while he cries to the older daughter about his "cancer treatments". According to the divorce decree - I get his life insurance. I hold that thought dearly when I start shaking because I am so angry with him.

LilacDragon · Post by **LilacDragon** » Fri Oct 21, 2005 8:20 am

My father sexually abused me and I spent YEARS trying to get his approval.

With the help of a good man (my current husband), not only have I put it in the past, I have also made sure that safeguards are in place to keep him away from my children. My son has never met him and my daughters' have seen him twice but would just as soon scratch his eyes out then speak to him.

As mothers who have done the best we could, we have to have faith that at some point, our girls will understand what we have been trying to teach them for so long and will come to see that their fathers were simply sperm donors.

observer1 · Post by **observer1** » Fri Oct 21, 2005 8:23 am

LilacDragon wrote: You can't help but be bitter! I can't think of a single soul in the universe that I hate with the passion that I hate my ex husband! I quit college and went to work full time to support my girls. He went to college and got his degree! With the money that he should have been using to pay his child-support!

And now that I am looking for work, he is wasting his education, sitting on his butt at his mother's house, playing video games! And he is 50 freakin' years old!!! You would think by that age he would understand about responsibilities!

Every once in a while he cries to the older daughter about his "cancer treatments". According to the divorce decree - I get his life insurance. I hold that thought dearly when I start shaking because I am so angry with him.

Does he have cancer?? My ex-mother-in-law just passed away from cancer.

Honestly, I'm not really surprised that he can just stay away from his own flesh & blood like he does. His own sister gave birth to 5 children from 3 different men. And today, she is married to a different man (not the father of any of her children), with custody of 1 of her children. The other 4 were taken away from her years ago. All she had to do to get them back was get her GED. I helped her study! She just GAVE UP!! On 4 children!!! Her own mother didn't even bother trying! You can bet that if my grandbaby was taken, I'd be fighting tooth & nail for him!!!

DesignerGal · Post by **DesignerGal** » Fri Oct 21, 2005 8:24 am

I have disdain for my father for all of these reasons you all have stated and many more. First of he is more interested in himself. He doesnt save money, never has. He has never given us anything substantial (love, affection, etc). I am 28 now and he wonders why none of us feel like calling him or hanging out with him. I have 2 sisters: 26 and 21 and they avoid his calls too. HE bitches at us now that we are adults and never had anything to acre about with us when we were kids. Your ex is doing the damage himself. Just hold out. You daughter will figure it out soon enough.

LilacDragon · Post by **LilacDragon** » Fri Oct 21, 2005 8:35 am

Does he have cancer??

I couldn't tell you.

For 11 years he told me he was epileptic, wasn't on medication and never had a seizure. You can bet he had a grand mal and was taken from work to the hospital in an ambulance the week after I served him with divorce papers. When they called me to tell me what hospital he had been taken to and to see if I needed a ride up to pick up his truck, I told them that I really didn't care what hospital he was in and he could catch a cab to get his truck when he got out of the hospital. Hmmm, you think they thought I was a cold-hearted wench?

I sure could use that $250,000 though.

observer1 · Post by **observer1** » Fri Oct 21, 2005 8:36 am

DesignerGal wrote: I have disdain for my father for all of these reasons you all have stated and many more. First of he is more interested in himself. He doesnt save money, never has. He has never given us anything substantial (love, affection, etc). I am 28 now and he wonders why none of us feel like calling him or hanging out with him. I have 2 sisters: 26 and 21 and they avoid his calls too. HE bitches at us now that we are adults and never had anything to acre about with us when we were kids. Your ex is doing the damage himself. Just hold out. You daughter will figure it out soon enough.

Ya know, she knows what he is, even cries to me & tells me she wants nothing to do with him. But then calls him. Her boyfriend can't stand him. He's "borrowed" videos & DVDs from them & never returned them. When her boyfriend called & left a message that he wants them back, my ex called him back & chewed him out for being DISRESPECTFUL!!! The gull of this "man". IMO, he's just a waste of air & space.

I hate to say I hate anyone, but I just can't help it with him. Anyone who could hurt their own child the way he has, & still think he's done nothing wrong deserves to be stoned!!!

observer1 · Post by **observer1** » Fri Oct 21, 2005 8:39 am

LilacDragon wrote: I couldn't tell you.

For 11 years he told me he was epileptic, wasn't on medication and never had a seizure. You can bet he had a grand mal and was taken from work to the hospital in an ambulance the week after I served him with divorce papers. When they called me to tell me what hospital he had been taken to and to see if I needed a ride up to pick up his truck, I told them that I really didn't care what hospital he was in and he could catch a cab to get his truck when he got out of the hospital. Hmmm, you think they thought I was a cold-hearted wench?

I sure could use that $250,000 though.

I keep wishing mine would play the lottery & actually WIN!! That's probably the ONLY way I'll ever see the $10,000 plus that he owes us. I've thought about what I'd do with it. Of course, a great portion would be given to my daughter. But I'd have to go out on a shopping spree. I can't remember the last time I bought myself clothes & didn't feel guilty.

lady cop · Post by **lady cop** » Fri Oct 21, 2005 8:47 am

Observer...if he works the government will intercept any tax refunds...there are child support enforcement laws, do you have some legal recourse?

observer1 · Post by **observer1** » Fri Oct 21, 2005 8:56 am

lady cop wrote: Observer...if he works the government will intercept any tax refunds...there are child support enforcement laws, do you have some legal recourse?

As I stated earlier, LC, he unfortunately is "self-employed". He works under the table. Domestics has even blatantly told me "there's nothing we can do!" Even though he was in jail for non-payment & on work-release. I then called my local representative. Had my money in 2 weeks. I shouldn't have to do their job for them though, ya know??

minks · Post by **minks** » Fri Oct 21, 2005 9:36 am

Wow Ladies we could really go to town on our ex's in this thread.

My ex cost me all proceeds from the sale of our house, incurred a $30,000 plus tax debt which in the end I was responsible for half, kept me out of court because I could no longer afford to fight him and his high end fast talking manipulating lawyer. His lawyer was a hypocrate he taught a mandatory course on parenting after separation, then turns around and comes to mediation with the ex and I and says things like A) I do not deserve spousal support, b) I am capable of earining what I did 5 years ago (failing to understand I was in a highly specialized field for 1 one of a kind company) 3) allows my spouse to continue to not work for 2 years because of depression (which I endured for 4 months and got myself out of) Thus allowing the ex to reduce child support from $1000/month to a phecking mere $200/month. Basically the lawyer and ex Raped my kids and me. And because I could not afford to go to court and plead my case and show a judge how these 2 men screwed me, I had to accept it all.

Yes I hate my ex, as do my kids. I hate using the word hate, and didn't until this all happened (17 yrs of marriage and I have but a few household posessions to show for it) BUT!!!!!! I made a vow to myself and my kids 1 year ago, that we will be fine on our own and whatever we do get from the ex is gravey. I have taken back my life and am for the most part happy to be where I am. Independant, and alive.

I can sleep at night knowing I am doing right by my children and myself.

He has a new wife and is now the father of her children, he quite simply walked out on his own children when we divorced, I firmly believe down the road he will get what is due to him.

observer1 · Post by **observer1** » Fri Oct 21, 2005 9:49 am

I too had washed my hands of my ex. But then, my daughter sees him & he starts trouble all over again. Gets my blood to boiling. He even blames me for his being in jail.

His ex-girlfriend told me (we're still friends, because she came to her senses after he threw her around a few times) that he told her he was going to throw a huge pig roast when my daughter turned 18. And as soon as she did turn 18, he wrote to Domestics & told them he shouldn't be responsible for paying anymore because she was 18. They sent me a letter & told me unless she's still in school, this could be stopped. Luckily, her school wasted no time in sending them proof.

I still didn't push Domestics to do their job. Lord knows they don't do it unless pushed, around here. Even when you know where they are (& they have a warrant out for non-payment) they say, "Well, he could be there now, but might not be there when we get there." AAARRRRGGGHHH!!!

I'd just given up & figured what comes around, goes around. I don't need his money to live on. I've been doing it on my own for so many years. But when he makes it sound like it's an injustice to have to take care of his own child, that's what really gets me. I don't need the money... SHE does!!!!

minks · Post by **minks** » Fri Oct 21, 2005 10:00 am

But when he makes it sound like it's an injustice to have to take care of his own child, that's what really gets me. I don't need the money... SHE does!!!!

There is precisely my beef too, the lowley SOB thinks it is an injustise to look after his kids. I remind him monthly he is responsible for half of his daughters bus pass, and school fees, as well as large expenses like new shoes etc. And what do I get back in short "oh (*&&*^*)_( I just paid out $xxx.xx for hockey and soccer, well holy hades batman that money was paid out for whose kids, oooo yes of course his new wife's kids riiiiight they count now, mine (whom by the way he donated his sperm for!!!) are non-entities anymore. If I may curse here he is the bigest ()**(&*^ I know!!!

observer1 · Post by **observer1** » Fri Oct 21, 2005 10:05 am

Minks, it gets my blood boiling when I hear fathers say they pay their child support, but the mother spends it!! Where do they think the money comes from to pay the bills?? I don't separate my money into mine & hers. She gets what she needs. The rest goes for bills. Guess who gets the shaft in this equasion?? If there had been ANY way I could've made it without his PITTANCE, believe me, I da**ed well would have!! I didn't exactly enjoy having to call domestic relations, just to have MY head chewed off & be made to look like a fool. I'm not saying all Domestic Relations offices run the same way, but ours STINKS!!!!! They DON'T DO THEIR JOB! :-5 :-5 :-5

DesignerGal · Post by **DesignerGal** » Fri Oct 21, 2005 10:51 am

I must tell my story in a nutshell because this seems to happen alot! My dad cheated on my mom and then my moom moved out. We moved in with Grandad and dad's new gal moved in. She got pregnant so they had to get married. My mother got a car from the divorce and thats it! She went back to night school to be a medical assistant while we stayed with grandad. THen we moved to the inner city with mom (me and my sis) and got a small house (about 750 sq ft) while dad, new wife and her daughter lived in our old 3500 sq ft house. My mom made close to minimum wage and gave us the best Christmas she could. Dad stopped paying child support after a couple of years (there werent any government back then). Well, 10 years later dad cheated on stepmother (their new baby was about 6 at the time) and she moved out. He paid child support up until she was 18 and they both have been paying her bills in college. She is now 21. They still pay her rent, utility bills, car payment/insurance and even spending money YES, SPENDING MONEY for a 21 year old woman! Me and my biological sister bought our own cars at 16, worked since 15, and paid for college! We both went to major universities and yes PAID FOR EVERYTHING with grants, scholarships and loans. I even helped pay for my biological sisters medical bills and she helped me with my wedding. My mom doesnt have the money so I dont care that she didnt help. But as far as Im concerned sister and I have taken care of eachother financially and always will. The younger one and dear old dad need to get a clue!

DesignerGal · Post by **DesignerGal** » Fri Oct 21, 2005 10:52 am

DesignerGal wrote: Dad stopped paying child support after a couple of years (there werent any government back then).
I meant the government didnt get involved back then

LilacDragon · Post by **LilacDragon** » Fri Oct 21, 2005 3:28 pm

Yeah, my oldest daughter's boyfriend convinced her to ask me for a child support check that I had just gotten. He told her it was HER money! Yeah, well, all of MY money went to pay for HER stuff!

The miserable amount of money I get every month doesn't come close to covering what those girls need (or needed) in a month. And I certainly don't seperate those checks from the rest of my money. They all go in the bank to buy necessities and pay the bills. And yes, the kids have way more "stuff" then I do. Heck, my newest bra is almost 10 years old! (It may not support much but it sure is comfy.)

observer1 · Post by **observer1** » Mon Oct 24, 2005 5:40 am

Why is it, in this day & age, with most single parents being mothers, & many households being single-parented, that men still make much more?? Also, they seem to be the ones who get away with not paying the support. I know there are many honest caring fathers out there who take care of their children, even though they've divorced or aren't together with the mother any longer. This isn't meant toward them.

IMO, it's definitely a man's world.

ubetta · Post by **ubetta** » Mon Oct 24, 2005 5:24 pm

LilacDragon wrote: Yeah, my oldest daughter's boyfriend convinced her to ask me for a child support check that I had just gotten. He told her it was HER money! Yeah, well, all of MY money went to pay for HER stuff!

Gee...ain't he a beaut.