Female Guinness Book Of Records

Uncle Kram · Post by **Uncle Kram** » Mon Feb 25, 2008 10:15 am

Car Parking: The smallest kerbside space successfully reversed into by a woman was one of 19.36m (63ft 2ins), equivalent to three standard parking spaces, by Mrs.Elizabeth Simpkins, driving an unmodified Vauxhall Nova 'Swing' on 12th October 1993.

She started the manoeuvre at 11.15am in Ropergate, Pontefract, and successfully parked within three feet of the pavement 8 hours 14 minutes later. There was slight damage to the bumpers and wings of her own and two adjoining cars, as well as a shop frontage and two lampposts.

Incorrect Driving: The longest journey completed with the handbrake on was one of 504 km (313miles) from Stranraer to Holyhead by Dr. Julie Thorn (GB) at the wheel of a Saab 900 on the 2nd April 1987.

Dr. Thorn smelled burning two miles into her journey at Aird but pressed on to Holyhead with smoke billowing from the rear wheels. This journey also holds the records for the longest completed journey with the choke fully out and the right indicator flashing.

Shop Dithering: The longest time spent dithering in a shop was 12 days between 21st August and 2nd September 1995 by Mrs. Sandra Wilks (GB) in the Birmingham branch of Dorothy Perkins. Entering the shop on a Saturday morning, Mrs. Wilks could not choose between two near identical dresses which were both in the sale.

After one hour, her husband, sitting on a chair by the changing room with his head in his hands, told her to buy both. Mrs. Wilks eventually bought one for 12.99, only to return the next day and exchange it for the other one. To date, she has yet to wear it.

Mrs. Wilks also holds the record for window shopping longevity, when, starting September 12th 1995, she stood motionless gazing at a pair of shoes in Clinkard's window in Kidderminster for 3 weeks two days before eventually going home.

Jumble Sale Massacre: The greatest number of old ladies to perish whilst fighting at a jumble sale is 98, at a Methodist Church Hall in Castleford, West Yorkshire on February 12th 1991.

When the doors opened at 10.00am, the initial scramble to get in cost 16 lives, a further 25 being killed in a crush at the first table. A seven-way skirmish then broke out over a pinafore dress costing 10p which escalated into a full scale melee resulting in another 18 lives being lost. A pitched battle over a headscarf then ensued and quickly spread throughout the hall, claiming 39 old women. The jumble sale raised £5.28 for local boy scouts.

Talking about Nothing: Mrs. Mary Caterham (GB) and Mrs. Marjorie Steele (GB) sat in a kitchen in Blackburn, Lancs. and talked about nothing whatsoever for four and a half months from 1st May to 7th August 1978, pausing only for tea, cakes and toilet visits.

Throughout the whole time, no information was exchanged and neither woman gained any new knowledge whatsoever.

The outdoor record for talking about nothing is held by Mrs.Vera Etherington(GB) and her neighbour Mrs.Dolly Booth (GB) of Ipswich, who between 11th November 1983 and 12th January 1984 chuntered on over their fence in an unenlightening dialogue lasting almost 62 days until Mrs.Booth remembered she'd left the bath running.

Gossiping: On February 18th 1992, Joyce Blatherwick, a close friend of Agnes Banbury popped round for a cup of tea and a chat, during the course of which she told Mrs. Banbury, in the strictest confidence, that she was having an affair with the butcher.

After Mrs. Blatherwick left at 2.10pm, Mrs.Banbury immediately began to tell everyone, swearing them all to secrecy. By 2.30pm, she had told 128 people of the news. By 2.50pm it had risen to 372 and by 4.00pm that afternoon, 2774 knew of the affair, including the local Amateur dramatic Society, several knitting circles, a coach load of American tourists which she flagged down, and the butchers wife.

When a tired Mrs. Banbury went to bed at 11.55pm that night, Mrs.Blatherwick's affair was common knowledge to a staggering 75,338 people, enough to fill Wembley Stadium.

Group Toilet Visit: The record for the largest group of women to visit a toilet simultaneously is held by 147 workers at the Department of Social Security, Longbenton.

At their annual Christmas celebration at a night club in Newcastle-Upon-Tyne on October 12th 1994, Mrs. Beryl Crabtree got up to go to the toilet and was immediately followed by 146 other members of the party. Moving as a mass, the group entered the toilet at 9.52pm and, after waiting for everyone to finish, emerged 2 hrs 37 mins later.

Film Confusion: The greatest length of time a woman has watched a film with her husband without asking a stupid plot-related question was achieved on the 28th October 1990, when Mrs. Ethel Brunswick sat down with her husband to watch 'The Ipcress File'.

She watched in silence for a breath-taking 2 mins 40 secs before asking "Is he a goodie or a baddie, then, him in the glasses?", revealing a staggering level of ignorance. This broke her own record set in 1962 when she sat through 2 mins 38 secs of '633 Squadron' before asking "Is this a war film, is it?".

Single Breath Sentence: An Oxfordshire woman today became the first ever to break the thirty minute barrier for talking without drawing breath.

Mrs.Mavis Sommers, 48, of Cowley, smashed the previous record of 23 minutes when she excitedly reported an argument she'd had in the butchers to her neighbour.She ranted on for a staggering 32 minutes and 12 seconds without pausing for air, before going blue and collapsing in a heap on the ground. She was taken to Radcliffe Infirmary in a wheelbarrow but was released later after check-ups.

At the peak of her mammoth motormouth marathon, she achieved an unbelievable 680 words per minute, repeating the main points of the story an amazing 114 times whilst her neighbour, Mrs. Dolly Knowles, nodded and tutted. The last third of the sentence was delivered in a barely audible croak, the last two minutes being mouthed only, accompanied by vigorous jesticulations and indignant spasms.

And its all true!!!!!!

Post by **Betty Boop** » Mon Feb 25, 2008 10:30 am

Car Parking: The smallest kerbside space successfully reversed into by a woman was one of 19.36m (63ft 2ins), equivalent to three standard parking spaces, by Mrs.Elizabeth Simpkins, driving an unmodified Vauxhall Nova 'Swing' on 12th October 1993.

:wah::wah::wah: Hey I'm sure that woman lives just down the road from me!

chrisb84uk · Post by **chrisb84uk** » Mon Feb 25, 2008 10:33 am

Hahaha brilliant!! :yh_rotfl

Post by **spot** » Mon Feb 25, 2008 12:24 pm

I'll show the car parking one to my daughter.

She'll hit me.

It'll be worth it.

sunny_bunny · Post by **sunny_bunny** » Mon Feb 25, 2008 4:12 pm

:yh_rotfl These are freaking hilarious!!! :yh_rotfl

Brilliant Krammie! I was roflmao! :wah:

Congrats on your wedding news too! :-4 Let us know when the big day is so we can all sprinkle some virtual confetti and pop the cork on an animated gif.

Post by **spot** » Wed Jun 13, 2012 1:02 pm

This is, on reflection, FG's greatest ever Opening Post and well worth a bump. A good chap, Uncle Kram.

Post by **Betty Boop** » Wed Jun 13, 2012 2:15 pm

spot;1396248 wrote: This is, on reflection, FG's greatest ever Opening Post and well worth a bump. A good chap, Uncle Kram.

Opening post for a thread?

Post by **spot** » Wed Jun 13, 2012 2:23 pm

Betty Boop;1396259 wrote: Opening post for a thread?

That's the way I've always understood the abbreviation, yes. Opening post or Opening poster depending on the context.

Post by **Betty Boop** » Wed Jun 13, 2012 2:34 pm

Just at first glance I wondered if you meant first ever post that's all.

Snooz · Post by **Snooz** » Wed Jun 13, 2012 4:31 pm

FG had some exceptionally funny and intelligent posters back in the good old days.

YZGI · Post by **YZGI** » Thu Jun 14, 2012 6:44 am

SnoozeAgain;1396281 wrote: FG had some exceptionally funny and intelligent posters back in the good old days.

Yup, where'd they go?

Post by **spot** » Thu Jun 14, 2012 6:46 am

YZGI;1396342 wrote: Yup, where'd they go?

Caught plagiarizing, most of them.

YZGI · Post by **YZGI** » Thu Jun 14, 2012 6:47 am

spot;1396344 wrote: Caught plagiarizing, most of them.

Can you really be plagiarizing if you can't even spell the word?

Snooz · Post by **Snooz** » Thu Jun 14, 2012 12:15 pm

Spot would know that they were plagiarizing because he did a word analysis on every sentence to see if anyone, anywhere had ever written it in the history of civilization.

Post by **spot** » Thu Jun 14, 2012 12:19 pm

Be fair though, I ran the sentence checker as a background process, I didn't go through the posts manually.

Snooz · Post by **Snooz** » Thu Jun 14, 2012 12:21 pm

You probably created your own software.

Post by **spot** » Thu Jun 14, 2012 12:24 pm

SnoozeAgain;1396398 wrote: You probably created your own software.Well... yes, it's lots quicker that way and it does what you want doing. If Bash won't do it, PHP will.