koan's notes on the bible in plain english with modern analogies.
Previous books: Genesis,Exodus,Leviticus,Numbers,Deuteronomy,Joshua,Judges
Ruth
I'm reading all the previous entries before I continue to both get back to where I was, and keep a consistent voice. It has become obvious that anyone unfamiliar with the bible will still have trouble following parts of the story so I'll have to work on that.
Anyway, Samuel will begin soon. Just brushing up on Joshua and Judges then I'll be back. (Ruth was easy as it really doesn't have a heck of a lot to do with anything else in the story)
Don't Beat Around The Burning Bush - Book 9 - 1 Samuel
Don't Beat Around The Burning Bush - Book 9 - 1 Samuel
1Samuel 1
More people we haven't met before:
Elkanah, an Emphraimite, had two wives: Peninnah The Fertile and Hannah The Barren.
Peninnah was a right bitch who mocked Hannah all the time because she had no children. This mocking eventually led to a desperate prayer promising that, if God gives Hannah a child, she'll give the child back to God. She also declares she'll never cut the kid's hair because she thinks God might be incapable of figuring out which kid he gave her. Since she only has the one, she could have saved the boy from looking like a Baudet de Poitou.
Samuel is born and, after a few years of weaning, Hannah follows through on her promise and leaves the kid with the priest.
More people we haven't met before:
Elkanah, an Emphraimite, had two wives: Peninnah The Fertile and Hannah The Barren.
Peninnah was a right bitch who mocked Hannah all the time because she had no children. This mocking eventually led to a desperate prayer promising that, if God gives Hannah a child, she'll give the child back to God. She also declares she'll never cut the kid's hair because she thinks God might be incapable of figuring out which kid he gave her. Since she only has the one, she could have saved the boy from looking like a Baudet de Poitou.
Samuel is born and, after a few years of weaning, Hannah follows through on her promise and leaves the kid with the priest.
Don't Beat Around The Burning Bush - Book 9 - 1 Samuel
1Samuel 2
Hannah prays. I find her prayer a little less devout and a little more manipulative.
"Oh, thank you Lord!
You are big and awesome
And you look great in those jeans.
I am confident that you will
remember that I kept my promise
when you decide whether or not
to make that hateful cow, Penninah,
turn into a withered,
rotting corpse.
You are so powerful, and macho,
and I know that when you show your wrath
upon all those who act like Penninah
you'll be the sexiest God in the whole world"
Leaving Samuel with Eli, the priest, Hannah walks back home, silent but with a contented smile.
Eli had two sons of his own but they were scoundrels who stole from the sacrifices. There is a rather gossipy description of "how bad were they?" "they were soooo bad that..."
Suffice it to say an angel finally shows up, points at the two boys, then Eli and says "Smite. Smite. Smote." It's called a warning but it wasn't. It was a judgement and sentencing.
Hannah prays. I find her prayer a little less devout and a little more manipulative.
"Oh, thank you Lord!
You are big and awesome
And you look great in those jeans.
I am confident that you will
remember that I kept my promise
when you decide whether or not
to make that hateful cow, Penninah,
turn into a withered,
rotting corpse.
You are so powerful, and macho,
and I know that when you show your wrath
upon all those who act like Penninah
you'll be the sexiest God in the whole world"
Leaving Samuel with Eli, the priest, Hannah walks back home, silent but with a contented smile.
Eli had two sons of his own but they were scoundrels who stole from the sacrifices. There is a rather gossipy description of "how bad were they?" "they were soooo bad that..."
Suffice it to say an angel finally shows up, points at the two boys, then Eli and says "Smite. Smite. Smote." It's called a warning but it wasn't. It was a judgement and sentencing.
Don't Beat Around The Burning Bush - Book 9 - 1 Samuel
ps- Hannah comes round with a new coat for Samuel every year and has had other children. Samuel is not considered one of the Eli clan for smiting purposes.
Don't Beat Around The Burning Bush - Book 9 - 1 Samuel
1Samuel 3
Meanwhile, back in the Batcave...
It turns out Samuel was given a bed right next to the Ark of the Covenant. So when God suddenly calls out "Samuel!" in the middle of the night, it's really freakin' loud.
Samuel runs to Eli three times saying "Here I am!" before Eli finally figures out the wacky boy is hearing the voice of God. Eli instructs him how to reply then ambushes the boy in the morning, threatening terrible fate unless the boy shares the message.
Samuel shares the news that Eli's smiting is about to take place. Eli pretty much just says "yeah? well, **** it. I quit."
Samuel becomes the new priest and people, for good reason, like him more.
Meanwhile, back in the Batcave...
It turns out Samuel was given a bed right next to the Ark of the Covenant. So when God suddenly calls out "Samuel!" in the middle of the night, it's really freakin' loud.
Samuel runs to Eli three times saying "Here I am!" before Eli finally figures out the wacky boy is hearing the voice of God. Eli instructs him how to reply then ambushes the boy in the morning, threatening terrible fate unless the boy shares the message.
Samuel shares the news that Eli's smiting is about to take place. Eli pretty much just says "yeah? well, **** it. I quit."
Samuel becomes the new priest and people, for good reason, like him more.
Don't Beat Around The Burning Bush - Book 9 - 1 Samuel
1Samuel 4
People listened to Samuel.
Flashback:
Israelites are fighting a war with the Philistines. They decided to fetch the Ark for good luck. We know it's a flashback because Samuel took over yet the dead brothers are taking the Ark to battle, where they are summarily slaughtered. The Ark is taken by the Philistines because they hear the Ark is coming and get all extra ballistic to win.
The defeated, remaining Israelites who didn't get slaughtered, return to tell Eli his sons are dead and Eli dies because... wait for it... he falls backwards in his chair and he is old and fat.
God works in mysterious ways.
We find out one of the brothers was married and his wife goes into labour upon hearing of her husband's death. She has a boy but dies in childbirth, unresponsive to the news that it was a boy.
Flashaethernet:
The dead woman names her child Ichabod (meaning "where is the glory?") which is pretty insightful for a dead chick who then manages to explain what the name means from the afterworld. Apparently it means a child is worthless when the Ark is captured instead of just meaning there is no glory when you lost the battle... which is kind of obvious.
We end this chapter dizzy and hoping to return to a linear time frame where people speak before they die, and don't die after they are already presumed dead.
People listened to Samuel.
Flashback:
Israelites are fighting a war with the Philistines. They decided to fetch the Ark for good luck. We know it's a flashback because Samuel took over yet the dead brothers are taking the Ark to battle, where they are summarily slaughtered. The Ark is taken by the Philistines because they hear the Ark is coming and get all extra ballistic to win.
The defeated, remaining Israelites who didn't get slaughtered, return to tell Eli his sons are dead and Eli dies because... wait for it... he falls backwards in his chair and he is old and fat.
God works in mysterious ways.
We find out one of the brothers was married and his wife goes into labour upon hearing of her husband's death. She has a boy but dies in childbirth, unresponsive to the news that it was a boy.
Flashaethernet:
The dead woman names her child Ichabod (meaning "where is the glory?") which is pretty insightful for a dead chick who then manages to explain what the name means from the afterworld. Apparently it means a child is worthless when the Ark is captured instead of just meaning there is no glory when you lost the battle... which is kind of obvious.
We end this chapter dizzy and hoping to return to a linear time frame where people speak before they die, and don't die after they are already presumed dead.
Don't Beat Around The Burning Bush - Book 9 - 1 Samuel
1Samuel 5
God pulled a Trojan horse. The Philistines brought the mighty Ark back to their Dagon temple. The next day they found their idol, Dagon, face first in the dirt like he'd lost a drinking competition. They righted him and found him face first the next morning again. He passed out so hard the third night his arms and head broke off.
Superstitiously: no one worships Dagon anymore and this story is why predecessors of the nonexistant worshippers stepped over the temple threshold like a crack in a sidewalk
Realistically: no one worships Dagon anymore because they didn't have a good mission statement.
Next: God went all nuclear. No matter where they tried to dump the Ark off, all the residents developed tumours.
Finally one Dagonish tribe said "take this God and shove it!" so they decided to give it back to the Israelites.
God pulled a Trojan horse. The Philistines brought the mighty Ark back to their Dagon temple. The next day they found their idol, Dagon, face first in the dirt like he'd lost a drinking competition. They righted him and found him face first the next morning again. He passed out so hard the third night his arms and head broke off.
Superstitiously: no one worships Dagon anymore and this story is why predecessors of the nonexistant worshippers stepped over the temple threshold like a crack in a sidewalk
Realistically: no one worships Dagon anymore because they didn't have a good mission statement.
Next: God went all nuclear. No matter where they tried to dump the Ark off, all the residents developed tumours.
Finally one Dagonish tribe said "take this God and shove it!" so they decided to give it back to the Israelites.
Don't Beat Around The Burning Bush - Book 9 - 1 Samuel
Proverbs 1
24 Because I have called and you refused,
I have stretched out my hand and no one regarded,
25 Because you disdained all my counsel,
And would have none of my rebuke,
26 I also will laugh at your calamity;
I will mock when your terror comes,
27 When your terror comes like a storm,
And your destruction comes like a whirlwind,
When distress and anguish come upon you.
28 “Then they will call on me, but I will not answer;
They will seek me diligently, but they will not find me.
29 Because they hated knowledge
And did not choose the fear of the LORD,
30 They would have none of my counsel
And despised my every rebuke.
31 Therefore they shall eat the fruit of their own way,
And be filled to the full with their own fancies.
32 For the turning away of the simple will slay them,
And the complacency of fools will destroy them;
All Praise The Ancient Of Days
24 Because I have called and you refused,
I have stretched out my hand and no one regarded,
25 Because you disdained all my counsel,
And would have none of my rebuke,
26 I also will laugh at your calamity;
I will mock when your terror comes,
27 When your terror comes like a storm,
And your destruction comes like a whirlwind,
When distress and anguish come upon you.
28 “Then they will call on me, but I will not answer;
They will seek me diligently, but they will not find me.
29 Because they hated knowledge
And did not choose the fear of the LORD,
30 They would have none of my counsel
And despised my every rebuke.
31 Therefore they shall eat the fruit of their own way,
And be filled to the full with their own fancies.
32 For the turning away of the simple will slay them,
And the complacency of fools will destroy them;
All Praise The Ancient Of Days
Don't Beat Around The Burning Bush - Book 9 - 1 Samuel
Jumping around again. Proverbs is not in the Book of 1Samuel. Focus, please.
Don't Beat Around The Burning Bush - Book 9 - 1 Samuel
1Samuel 6
This part is really funny. I've been sorting through how best to convey the humour.
The Philistines are faced with the challenge of how to get rid of the Ark of Plagues. Someone pondered aloud "what if this is all just a coincidence?" So they dual function the return and turn it into a pre-science scientific experiment.
Thesis: If we tie two cows to a cart, separate the cows from their newborns, they will want to return to their babies unless something divine interferes. We call this the Truth By Cow Theory.
Method of experiment: Fill the cart with the Ark, to represent the suspect source of curse, gold tumours and gold rats, to represent the plagues in question. Release the cows. Watch where they go.
Expected result: The cows will know what's in the cart and will know what the gold symbols mean thereby enabling them to use their superior cow intuition to decide what to do.
Potential flaws in the experiment: None
So the cows take the Ark back to the Israelites who celebrate by slaughtering the cows in gratitude and staging massive sacrificial rituals as a welcome home party.
Party's over! A whole bunch of Israelites get smote. Apparently they tried to sneak a peek in the Ark. I'm surprised they were even able to touch it.
The Israelites bypass the Truth By Cow Theory and just call up their neighbours to say "Yo, the Ark is back. Come and get it."
This part is really funny. I've been sorting through how best to convey the humour.
The Philistines are faced with the challenge of how to get rid of the Ark of Plagues. Someone pondered aloud "what if this is all just a coincidence?" So they dual function the return and turn it into a pre-science scientific experiment.
Thesis: If we tie two cows to a cart, separate the cows from their newborns, they will want to return to their babies unless something divine interferes. We call this the Truth By Cow Theory.
Method of experiment: Fill the cart with the Ark, to represent the suspect source of curse, gold tumours and gold rats, to represent the plagues in question. Release the cows. Watch where they go.
Expected result: The cows will know what's in the cart and will know what the gold symbols mean thereby enabling them to use their superior cow intuition to decide what to do.
Potential flaws in the experiment: None
So the cows take the Ark back to the Israelites who celebrate by slaughtering the cows in gratitude and staging massive sacrificial rituals as a welcome home party.
Party's over! A whole bunch of Israelites get smote. Apparently they tried to sneak a peek in the Ark. I'm surprised they were even able to touch it.
The Israelites bypass the Truth By Cow Theory and just call up their neighbours to say "Yo, the Ark is back. Come and get it."
Don't Beat Around The Burning Bush - Book 9 - 1 Samuel
1Samuel 7
The Ark got left with a guy named Eleazar and sat there under a dust cover for twenty years.
The people of Israel grieved that the Lord had left them. A little boy pointed to Eleazar's shed and said "No, He's right there under the dust cover." But everyone ignored him.
Samuel finally said to the people "It's kind of hard for God to take you seriously when you've got all those wind-up Baal's and bobble head Ashtoreths littering your windowsills and dashboards. The people saw the logic and held a holy smashing of all their pagan trinkets.
They staged a gathering wherein they fasted and otherwise did pennance. The Philistines feared gatherings, because they had no tear gas cannisters, so they marched an army off to scatter the Israelites.
Samuel looked around and grabbed a lamb. He killed it on a sacrificial stone while pleading with God for help. His quick thinking resulted in a thunderstorm. The innocent gatherers instantly pulled their weapons out from under their peaceful attire and slaughtered the Philistines who had apparently never heard thunder before.
Samuel placed a rock at the edge of how far they'd chased the Philistines and declared "God protected us this far." The Philistines stayed on their side of the rock. Nowadays rocks don't cut it, it's better to build a wall.
So Samuel judged over Israel for the rest of his life and probably placed a lot of rocks as other areas were reclaimed by the Israelites. He was a really good sheep killer.
The Ark got left with a guy named Eleazar and sat there under a dust cover for twenty years.
The people of Israel grieved that the Lord had left them. A little boy pointed to Eleazar's shed and said "No, He's right there under the dust cover." But everyone ignored him.
Samuel finally said to the people "It's kind of hard for God to take you seriously when you've got all those wind-up Baal's and bobble head Ashtoreths littering your windowsills and dashboards. The people saw the logic and held a holy smashing of all their pagan trinkets.
They staged a gathering wherein they fasted and otherwise did pennance. The Philistines feared gatherings, because they had no tear gas cannisters, so they marched an army off to scatter the Israelites.
Samuel looked around and grabbed a lamb. He killed it on a sacrificial stone while pleading with God for help. His quick thinking resulted in a thunderstorm. The innocent gatherers instantly pulled their weapons out from under their peaceful attire and slaughtered the Philistines who had apparently never heard thunder before.
Samuel placed a rock at the edge of how far they'd chased the Philistines and declared "God protected us this far." The Philistines stayed on their side of the rock. Nowadays rocks don't cut it, it's better to build a wall.
So Samuel judged over Israel for the rest of his life and probably placed a lot of rocks as other areas were reclaimed by the Israelites. He was a really good sheep killer.
Don't Beat Around The Burning Bush - Book 9 - 1 Samuel
1Samuel 8
Sam is getting old. He has two sons but they're jerks. The people say "Look, Sam, you're a good guy but your progeny ain't gonna cut it. Proclaim a king instead."
Samuel is pissed. God says, it's me they are rejecting. Do what they say because I like punishing them, but warn them first so I can say "I told you so" later on.
So Samuel tells them that a king will create social castes, take away their slaves, and increase taxes until they are slaves themselves. And the people say "That's better than having all these random judges." So Samuel says "Don't say I didn't warn you" and agrees.
Sam is getting old. He has two sons but they're jerks. The people say "Look, Sam, you're a good guy but your progeny ain't gonna cut it. Proclaim a king instead."
Samuel is pissed. God says, it's me they are rejecting. Do what they say because I like punishing them, but warn them first so I can say "I told you so" later on.
So Samuel tells them that a king will create social castes, take away their slaves, and increase taxes until they are slaves themselves. And the people say "That's better than having all these random judges." So Samuel says "Don't say I didn't warn you" and agrees.
Don't Beat Around The Burning Bush - Book 9 - 1 Samuel
1Samuel 9
Introducing: Saul.
Remember the tribe of Benjamin? The tribe that tried to sodomize a man then abused his whore until death, resulting in a CSI episode and the near annihilation of the tribe of Benjamin?
Ok, well, they survived. Saul comes from there and he is the Brad Pitt of the era. Nice looking guy. He's got that charisma.
Samuel is in charge of finding a king for the Israelites and, it turns out, charisma won elections from the very start. Saul is actually quite innocent. He just shows up looking for a few asses. He seeks out Samuel who is referred to as the "seer" instead of the judge (think SoHo psychic)
God yells at Samuel "That's the dude I want!" so he placates Saul's concerns, gives him shelter, and gets him alone in the morning. Saul reminds Samuel that he's from a tribe that really ought not to even be there anymore and Samuel assures him "You're my guy!"
It makes you wonder. The first king of Israel... pretty big thing. And God chooses a dude from a tribe that everyone wanted dead. Feels like a set up.
Introducing: Saul.
Remember the tribe of Benjamin? The tribe that tried to sodomize a man then abused his whore until death, resulting in a CSI episode and the near annihilation of the tribe of Benjamin?
Ok, well, they survived. Saul comes from there and he is the Brad Pitt of the era. Nice looking guy. He's got that charisma.
Samuel is in charge of finding a king for the Israelites and, it turns out, charisma won elections from the very start. Saul is actually quite innocent. He just shows up looking for a few asses. He seeks out Samuel who is referred to as the "seer" instead of the judge (think SoHo psychic)
God yells at Samuel "That's the dude I want!" so he placates Saul's concerns, gives him shelter, and gets him alone in the morning. Saul reminds Samuel that he's from a tribe that really ought not to even be there anymore and Samuel assures him "You're my guy!"
It makes you wonder. The first king of Israel... pretty big thing. And God chooses a dude from a tribe that everyone wanted dead. Feels like a set up.
Don't Beat Around The Burning Bush - Book 9 - 1 Samuel
1Samuel 10
A king isn't just born, a king is made. Samuel dumps a bunch of oil on Saul's head and gives him a holy kiss. If this isn't disorientating enough, it's followed by a bunch of directions.
"Walk straight. If you pass the tree of Tabor, you've gone too far, you want to go back until you see three men. You'll know them because they'll have three loaves of bread, three goats and one wineskin filled... with wine. They'll offer you two loaves. Accept them and follow.
Next you'll find a band of raving prophets. There are a lot of them. You'll know the right ones because they have a harp, a tambourine, a flute, and lyre. Stay away from the guy with the cow bell. You'll feel the urge to start speaking irrationally. Just go with it. When you forget who you are, go to the nearest town and I'll find you."
Saul starts to leave, remembering that all he wanted was some ass. Right about then, God gives him a new heart.
Lo, all these instructions unfolded to plan and when people started to ask "wtf?" there was no David Icke to explain. This is how the saying "Is even Saul a prophet?" originated. Never heard that saying? Me neither.
First conversation Saul has after annointment? Tells his uncle "I was just looking for donkeys."
First thing he does when the "random" drawing of names for king results in him? Hides in a pile of baggage.
How do the people react? They shout "Long live the king!"
What was the kings first act? He sent the people home.
What was the response? A few of them muttered "We're ****ed."
A king isn't just born, a king is made. Samuel dumps a bunch of oil on Saul's head and gives him a holy kiss. If this isn't disorientating enough, it's followed by a bunch of directions.
"Walk straight. If you pass the tree of Tabor, you've gone too far, you want to go back until you see three men. You'll know them because they'll have three loaves of bread, three goats and one wineskin filled... with wine. They'll offer you two loaves. Accept them and follow.
Next you'll find a band of raving prophets. There are a lot of them. You'll know the right ones because they have a harp, a tambourine, a flute, and lyre. Stay away from the guy with the cow bell. You'll feel the urge to start speaking irrationally. Just go with it. When you forget who you are, go to the nearest town and I'll find you."
Saul starts to leave, remembering that all he wanted was some ass. Right about then, God gives him a new heart.
Lo, all these instructions unfolded to plan and when people started to ask "wtf?" there was no David Icke to explain. This is how the saying "Is even Saul a prophet?" originated. Never heard that saying? Me neither.
First conversation Saul has after annointment? Tells his uncle "I was just looking for donkeys."
First thing he does when the "random" drawing of names for king results in him? Hides in a pile of baggage.
How do the people react? They shout "Long live the king!"
What was the kings first act? He sent the people home.
What was the response? A few of them muttered "We're ****ed."
Don't Beat Around The Burning Bush - Book 9 - 1 Samuel
1Samuel 11
A regional peace deal falls through when an Ammonite foreman with a fetish for eyeballs gets promoted. The Israelites ask if they can get seven days to assemble an army. Oddly, eyeball man agrees.
Saul, coming from tribe deeply affected by the postal services, goes into rage, slaughters and mails pieces of dead oxen to all the tribes as warning. He overlooked that it's like sending beef jerky to friends... so God intervenes to make it seem more ominous. The tribes agree to send backup.
Saul takes his God assisted army, ambushes the enemy and defeats them. That's when the Israelites decide to actually give him a crown. Saul, as king, gets to bypass God's normal wrath and refuses to execute his doubters.
A regional peace deal falls through when an Ammonite foreman with a fetish for eyeballs gets promoted. The Israelites ask if they can get seven days to assemble an army. Oddly, eyeball man agrees.
Saul, coming from tribe deeply affected by the postal services, goes into rage, slaughters and mails pieces of dead oxen to all the tribes as warning. He overlooked that it's like sending beef jerky to friends... so God intervenes to make it seem more ominous. The tribes agree to send backup.
Saul takes his God assisted army, ambushes the enemy and defeats them. That's when the Israelites decide to actually give him a crown. Saul, as king, gets to bypass God's normal wrath and refuses to execute his doubters.
Don't Beat Around The Burning Bush - Book 9 - 1 Samuel
1Samuel 12
Samuel resigns. He requests confirmation that he did no wrong by the people of Israel, to clear his good name of coming events and follows with a speech.
He gives a highly selective rundown of God appointed leaders (Sampson is not mentioned), points out that wasn't good enough and they wanted a king like everyone else, then finishes by announcing a God induced lightning and rain show to prove that they are wicked for not trusting Him anymore.
They were terrified. The expected result.
Samuel finishes up with something like:
"Now pray or die!"
"Don't be afraid."
Mental confusion was apparently a desired state.
"I know I'll be safe... I've got a pension plan. I'll pray for you. Uh, buh bye."
Samuel resigns. He requests confirmation that he did no wrong by the people of Israel, to clear his good name of coming events and follows with a speech.
He gives a highly selective rundown of God appointed leaders (Sampson is not mentioned), points out that wasn't good enough and they wanted a king like everyone else, then finishes by announcing a God induced lightning and rain show to prove that they are wicked for not trusting Him anymore.
They were terrified. The expected result.
Samuel finishes up with something like:
"Now pray or die!"
"Don't be afraid."
Mental confusion was apparently a desired state.
"I know I'll be safe... I've got a pension plan. I'll pray for you. Uh, buh bye."
Don't Beat Around The Burning Bush - Book 9 - 1 Samuel
1Samuel Lucky 13
This one took me a bit longer because I had to stop laughing.
Saul.
Remember him? Found hiding amidst the luggage when they drew his name for king? Right. Yeah, him.
There's a place called Mishmash. Oh, I mean Micmash. Saul has to build an army and picks 3000 guys. He takes 2000 of them and give his son, Jonathan, the other 1000. They split up.
Jonathan slaughters a bunch of Philistines with his half army and people rejoice because they hear Saul had a victory. Saul takes his 2000 guys and... remember the vicious bunny from Monty Python's "Run Away!" scene in the Holy Grail? Replace the bunny with Saul in pee stained pants.
Samuel is a week late getting there. Not knowing what else to do, Saul grabs a goat or something and tries to sacrifice it.
Samuel shows up and says "Saul, what the hell did you do?"
Saul answers "We tried to hide then they all ran away...and you weren't there and I said 'I haven't even asked for help'... so I felt compelled to kill a goat... or something" Saul wipes snotty nose and looks up with those innocent Brad Pitt eyes.
Samuel replies, "you ****ed up," then leaves.
The problem is this: the Philistines wouldn't let the Israelites have blacksmiths for fear they would make weapons. The Philistine blacksmiths were charging outrageous prices. As a result, only Saul and Jonathan had swords. As they were now surrounded, I think Saul should have given his sword to someone more useful.
This one took me a bit longer because I had to stop laughing.
Saul.
Remember him? Found hiding amidst the luggage when they drew his name for king? Right. Yeah, him.
There's a place called Mishmash. Oh, I mean Micmash. Saul has to build an army and picks 3000 guys. He takes 2000 of them and give his son, Jonathan, the other 1000. They split up.
Jonathan slaughters a bunch of Philistines with his half army and people rejoice because they hear Saul had a victory. Saul takes his 2000 guys and... remember the vicious bunny from Monty Python's "Run Away!" scene in the Holy Grail? Replace the bunny with Saul in pee stained pants.
Samuel is a week late getting there. Not knowing what else to do, Saul grabs a goat or something and tries to sacrifice it.
Samuel shows up and says "Saul, what the hell did you do?"
Saul answers "We tried to hide then they all ran away...and you weren't there and I said 'I haven't even asked for help'... so I felt compelled to kill a goat... or something" Saul wipes snotty nose and looks up with those innocent Brad Pitt eyes.
Samuel replies, "you ****ed up," then leaves.
The problem is this: the Philistines wouldn't let the Israelites have blacksmiths for fear they would make weapons. The Philistine blacksmiths were charging outrageous prices. As a result, only Saul and Jonathan had swords. As they were now surrounded, I think Saul should have given his sword to someone more useful.
Don't Beat Around The Burning Bush - Book 9 - 1 Samuel
1Samuel 14
or: Why Saul Sucked
One day, as if they had all the time in the world, Jonathan tells his bearer of one of the two arms in the war party, "we should go kill someone."
Jonathan, unlike his father, the king, comes up with a plan and sneaks off. They successfully kill a bunch of Philistines, although they employed a method of divination that did not involve the Truth By Cow method.
Their success was accompanied by thunder that confused the Philistines so much they started killing each other. This allowed Saul to venture out of his hiding place where he was trying in vain to figure out how an ephod worked.
They could have kicked some confused Philistine butt a lot faster but, along with the ephod endeavour, Saul had placed a curse on anyone who ate before nightfall. It just seemed like a good idea to a moron. Jonathan didn't know about the curse as he was off actually fighting the enemy so he ate some honey off a stick. When he found out the others weren't eating because of daddy's curse he said "what a moron!"
By the time they had the Philistines on the run, the Israelites were so hungry they were eating raw bloody meat. Saul insisted on stopping to drain the blood properly then decided to ask God whether or not they should give chase to end the battle.
God said no. By use of magic sticks Saul found out that Jonathan had eaten honey and declared that he had to kill him. The soldiers remaining said "like bloody hell you will" so Saul changed his mind and they all went home.
Saul got all the credit for his son's bravery and luckily had three sons and two daughters, all of which were likely more brave than he. Saul's only talent was to draft any brave and strong youths into his army so he'd never have to personally use a sword again.
or: Why Saul Sucked
One day, as if they had all the time in the world, Jonathan tells his bearer of one of the two arms in the war party, "we should go kill someone."
Jonathan, unlike his father, the king, comes up with a plan and sneaks off. They successfully kill a bunch of Philistines, although they employed a method of divination that did not involve the Truth By Cow method.
Their success was accompanied by thunder that confused the Philistines so much they started killing each other. This allowed Saul to venture out of his hiding place where he was trying in vain to figure out how an ephod worked.
They could have kicked some confused Philistine butt a lot faster but, along with the ephod endeavour, Saul had placed a curse on anyone who ate before nightfall. It just seemed like a good idea to a moron. Jonathan didn't know about the curse as he was off actually fighting the enemy so he ate some honey off a stick. When he found out the others weren't eating because of daddy's curse he said "what a moron!"
By the time they had the Philistines on the run, the Israelites were so hungry they were eating raw bloody meat. Saul insisted on stopping to drain the blood properly then decided to ask God whether or not they should give chase to end the battle.
God said no. By use of magic sticks Saul found out that Jonathan had eaten honey and declared that he had to kill him. The soldiers remaining said "like bloody hell you will" so Saul changed his mind and they all went home.
Saul got all the credit for his son's bravery and luckily had three sons and two daughters, all of which were likely more brave than he. Saul's only talent was to draft any brave and strong youths into his army so he'd never have to personally use a sword again.
Don't Beat Around The Burning Bush - Book 9 - 1 Samuel
1Samuel 15
I could detail this out but the ending is more important. Saul's ruse has worked. With the help of Jonathan he now commands a larger army and sacks the enemy of God's choice but doesn't follow through with the complete slaughter of everything that breathes. Women and children? History. The only thing not killed was the Amalekite king and some of the animals spared for sacrifice. (that's not as contradictory as it sounds)
Saul is busy building himself a monument when Samuel shows up and says "you ****ed up. God hates you." Saul says "they made me do it!"
Samuel slices the King of Agag to bits and never speaks to Saul again. The Lord was sorry he had ever made Saul king.
That's the interesting bit: God was sorry for a choice he made. What part of Saul being a coward and moron didn't He foresee?
The key is, perhaps, here: Samuel explains "God didn't ask you to think, he just told you to do."
I could detail this out but the ending is more important. Saul's ruse has worked. With the help of Jonathan he now commands a larger army and sacks the enemy of God's choice but doesn't follow through with the complete slaughter of everything that breathes. Women and children? History. The only thing not killed was the Amalekite king and some of the animals spared for sacrifice. (that's not as contradictory as it sounds)
Saul is busy building himself a monument when Samuel shows up and says "you ****ed up. God hates you." Saul says "they made me do it!"
Samuel slices the King of Agag to bits and never speaks to Saul again. The Lord was sorry he had ever made Saul king.
That's the interesting bit: God was sorry for a choice he made. What part of Saul being a coward and moron didn't He foresee?
The key is, perhaps, here: Samuel explains "God didn't ask you to think, he just told you to do."
Don't Beat Around The Burning Bush - Book 9 - 1 Samuel
1Samuel 16
Despite all his tough talk, Samuel mourns Saul's departure until God tells him to get his **** together.
This is the chapter that Cinderella was stolen from. Saul follows God's advice and goes to select a new king by rite of pouring oil on his head. Olive oil, extra virgin. Double pressed.
He's told it's one of Jesse's sons. (They say that like we should know who Jesse is... or like it's relevant.) So Jesse brings his son's before Samuel and God keeps saying "duck" "duck" "duck" until all seven sons have been seen. He asks if they are all Jesse's sons and it turns out the youngest son couldn't come along as he was busy tending goats and sheep. Surely a wicked stepmother was involved.
David is brought before Samuel and the Lord says "goose!"
The spirit of the Lord left Saul and God sent a nastier spirit to torment Saul further. Saul's servants sent for a musician to soothe the former king's spirit and David turns out to be the chap. Substitute a harp for glass slippers, eliminate the pumpkins, and hope there was no sex involved. You can imagine God saying "bippity bippity boo" with no harm done.
Despite all his tough talk, Samuel mourns Saul's departure until God tells him to get his **** together.
This is the chapter that Cinderella was stolen from. Saul follows God's advice and goes to select a new king by rite of pouring oil on his head. Olive oil, extra virgin. Double pressed.
He's told it's one of Jesse's sons. (They say that like we should know who Jesse is... or like it's relevant.) So Jesse brings his son's before Samuel and God keeps saying "duck" "duck" "duck" until all seven sons have been seen. He asks if they are all Jesse's sons and it turns out the youngest son couldn't come along as he was busy tending goats and sheep. Surely a wicked stepmother was involved.
David is brought before Samuel and the Lord says "goose!"
The spirit of the Lord left Saul and God sent a nastier spirit to torment Saul further. Saul's servants sent for a musician to soothe the former king's spirit and David turns out to be the chap. Substitute a harp for glass slippers, eliminate the pumpkins, and hope there was no sex involved. You can imagine God saying "bippity bippity boo" with no harm done.