Everything happens for a reason I guess.

[BTS]

Dear Husband:

I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good. I've been a good woman to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw. Last week, you came home and didn't notice that I had gotten my hair and nails done, cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new negligee. You came home and ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching the game. You don't tell me you love me anymore, you don't touch me or anything. Either you're cheating or you don't love me anymore, whatever the case is, I'm gone.

P.S. If you're trying to find me, don't. Your BROTHER and I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great

life!

Your EX-Wife



Dear Ex-Wife

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good woman is a far cry from what you've been. I watch sports so much to try to drown out your constant nagging. Too bad that doesn't work. I did notice when you cut off all of your hair last week, the first thing that came to mind was "You look just like a man!" My mother raised me not to say anything if you can't say anything nice. When you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY BROTHER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago. I went to sleep on you when you had on that new negligee because the price tag was still on it. I prayed that it was a coincidence that my brother had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning and your negligee was $49.99. After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason I guess. I hope you have the filling life you always wanted. My lawyer said with your letter that you wrote, you won't get a dime from me. So take care.

P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this but Carl, my brother was born Carla. I hope that's not a problem. Signed Rich As Hell and Free!

[pina]

That made me laugh :yh_rotfl its really cheered up my morning. :wah:

[Bez]

pina wrote: That made me laugh :yh_rotfl its really cheered up my morning. :wah:




Same here ...

[venus]

EXCELLENT I IOVED IT!!:wah:

[Rapunzel]

Along the same lines:

These are entries to a Washington Post competition asking for a rhyme with the most romantic first line but the least romantic second line:



Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss

But I only slept with you, because I was pissed.

-----

I thought that I could love no other

Until, that is, I met your brother.

-----

Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet and so are you.

But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.

-----

Of loving beauty you float with grace

If only you could hide your face.

-----

Kind, intelligent, loving and hot

This describes everything you are not.

-----

I want to feel your sweet embrace

But don't take that paper bag off of your face.

-----

I love your smile, your face, and your eyes

Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

-----

My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:

Marrying you screwed up my life.

-----

I see your face when I am dreaming.

That's why I always wake up screaming.

-----

My love, you take my breath away.

What have you stepped in to smell this way?

-----

My feelings for you no words can tell

Except for maybe "go to hell."

-----

What inspired this amorous rhyme?

Two parts vodka, one part lime.

:wah:

[Rapunzel]

Also (and you may have heard this one before but its still brill!):

A married couple is driving down the interstate doing 55 mph. The husband is behind the wheel. His wife looks over at him and says, "Honey, I know we've been married for 15 years, but, I want a divorce." The husband says nothing but slowly increases speed to 60 mph.

She then says, "I don't want you to try to talk me out of it, because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and he's a better lover than you." Again the husband stays quiet and just speeds up as he clenches his hands on the wheels.

She says, "I want the house." Again the husband speeds up, and now is doing 70 mph.

She says, "I want the kids too." The husband just keeps driving faster, and faster, until he's up to 80 mph.

She says, "I want the car, the checking account, and all the credit cards too." The husband slowly starts to veer toward a bridge overpass piling, as she says, "Is there anything you want?"

The husband says, "No, I've got everything I need right here."

She asks, "What's that?"

The husband replies just before they hit the wall at 90 mph, "I've got the airbag!"

[Rapunzel]

And another Oldie but goodie.....



To My Dear Wife



Subject: To My Dear Wife,

To My Dear Wife,

You will surely understand that I have certain needs that being with a

54-year old you can no longer supply. I am very happy with you and value

you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this fax, I hope you will

not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with

my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be

perturbed, I shall be back home before midnight".

When the man came home, he found the following letter on the dining

room table...

My Dear Husband,

I received your fax and thank you for your honesty. I too am very happy

with you and value you as a good husband.

I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also

54 years old. At the same time I would like to inform you that while you

read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, my tennis coach,

who like your secretary is also 18 years old.

As a successful businessman and with your excellent knowledge of Math,

you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one

small difference.

18 goes into 54 more times than 54 goes into 18.

Therefore I will not be back until dinner time tomorrow!

:wah: :wah:

[Bez]

Rapunzel wrote: Along the same lines:



These are entries to a Washington Post competition asking for a rhyme with the most romantic first line but the least romantic second line:





Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss

But I only slept with you, because I was pissed.

-----

I thought that I could love no other

Until, that is, I met your brother.

-----

Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet and so are you.

But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.

-----

Of loving beauty you float with grace

If only you could hide your face.

-----

Kind, intelligent, loving and hot

This describes everything you are not.

-----

I want to feel your sweet embrace

But don't take that paper bag off of your face.

-----

I love your smile, your face, and your eyes

Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

-----

My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:

Marrying you screwed up my life.

-----

I see your face when I am dreaming.

That's why I always wake up screaming.

-----

My love, you take my breath away.

What have you stepped in to smell this way?

-----

My feelings for you no words can tell

Except for maybe "go to hell."

-----

What inspired this amorous rhyme?

Two parts vodka, one part lime.

:wah:


brilliant , brilliant , brilliant....are there any more ????

[BTS]

Bez wrote: brilliant , brilliant , brilliant....are there any more ????


I liked this one............ OUCH



Be Strong, Honey

A man escapes from a prison where he has been kept for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money & guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair.

While tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her on the neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband tells his wife; "Listen, this guy is an escaped prisoner, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail, & hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do what he tells you, just give him satisfaction, no matter how much he ravages you. This guy is, probably dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you".

To which the wife responds, "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked if we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom. I told him where to find it. Be strong, honey. I love you, too"

[nvalleyvee]

Those were all good :wah: :wah: Thanks