I am Judge #3

nvalleyvee · Post by **nvalleyvee** » Thu Sep 29, 2005 5:07 pm

Chili Cook Off

If you can read this whole story without laughing then there's no hope for you. I was crying by the end. Note: Please take time to read this slowly.

If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better. For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook Off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio City Park.

Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili Taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, IL.

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted."

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

*****************************************************

CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI...

Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

Judge # 2 - Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy s## t, what the h * ll is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

*****************************************************

CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN'S AFTERBURNER CHILI...

Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.

Judge #2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

*****************************************************

CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI...

Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.

Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.

Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting s ** t-faced from all of the beer.

*****************************************************

CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC...

Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods not much of a chili.

Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beermaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-LB woman is starting to look HOT. just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

*****************************************************

CHILI # 5 LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...

Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.

*****************************************************

CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY...

Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.

Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.

Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I s ## t on myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my a# # with a snow cone.

*****************************************************

CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI...

Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.

Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

*****************************************************

CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI...

Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?

Judge # 3 - No Report

nvalleyvee · Post by **nvalleyvee** » Thu Sep 29, 2005 5:14 pm

I'm still laughing - dang I amuse myself!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SOJOURNER · Post by **SOJOURNER** » Thu Sep 29, 2005 5:23 pm

Thanks for the great laugh. I've got to save this one -- somewhere this is going to be a perfect item to share...............

venus · Post by **venus** » Fri Sep 30, 2005 2:06 am

:yh_rotfl :yh_ooooo :yh_drool

and in that order..

l love love chilli, but what you were tasting sounds scary!

humm maybe l should buy shares in indegestion medicines!

Bridget · Post by **Bridget** » Fri Sep 30, 2005 7:54 am

It felt good to haw-haw this morning. The town I live near is having a chilli-cook off tomorrow. Love chilli but have never been. Can betcha it won't be anyway near as hot as that in Texas. Along time ago their was a standing argument between Texas and Illinois on who had the best chilli. I have never tasted Texan Chilli and after this story don't think I want to. Hee-Haw

Bridget · Post by **Bridget** » Fri Sep 30, 2005 7:55 am

P.S. Have a great recipe for Taco Soup if anyone is interested.

minks · Post by **minks** » Fri Sep 30, 2005 8:29 am

Bridget wrote: P.S. Have a great recipe for Taco Soup if anyone is interested.

Yess me me me, I have been hunting for ages for a good one.

Bridget · Post by **Bridget** » Fri Sep 30, 2005 9:09 am

Minks here it is--now it is not real hot so if you want it hot, taste it as it cooks and add whatever to make it hotter.

Taco Soup

1 lb. ground beef and 1 large onion, chopped, cooked together. Drain off fat and in large pan add the rest of the ingredients:

1 (16oz.) can diced tomatoes

3 (16 oz.) cans beans ( red kidney, pinto, and navy beans) drained

1 (16oz.) can white corn, juice and all

1 (4 1/2 oz) can green chillies

1 ( 15 oz. can) tomato sauce

1/2 c. water

1 pkg. taco seasoning mix

1 pkg. ranch dressing mix

Bring to a boil, then reduce heat to simmer for 15 minutes.

Can top with shredded cheese and also serve with corn chips.

Enjoy, let me know if you like it.

minks · Post by **minks** » Fri Sep 30, 2005 9:16 am

Bridget wrote: Minks here it is--now it is not real hot so if you want it hot, taste it as it cooks and add whatever to make it hotter.

Taco Soup

1 lb. ground beef and 1 large onion, chopped, cooked together. Drain off fat and in large pan add the rest of the ingredients:

1 (16oz.) can diced tomatoes

3 (16 oz.) cans beans ( red kidney, pinto, and navy beans) drained

1 (16oz.) can white corn, juice and all

1 (4 1/2 oz) can green chillies

1 ( 15 oz. can) tomato sauce

1/2 c. water

1 pkg. taco seasoning mix

1 pkg. ranch dressing mix

Bring to a boil, then reduce heat to simmer for 15 minutes.

Can top with shredded cheese and also serve with corn chips.

Enjoy, let me know if you like it.

Thanks, that sounds lovely I think my daughter and I will enjoy it, not to worry about being real hot, we are Canadians we dont' always like things hot like americans tee hee hee

nvalleyvee · Post by **nvalleyvee** » Fri Sep 30, 2005 5:15 pm

flopstock wrote: :yh_laugh :yh_rotfl :yh_rotfl

This was great!

Reminds me of the time my 'ex' came in the kitchen when i was chopping peppers to freeze. I left the room for 10 seconds after telling him not to touch them, next thing i knew he was screaming his head off.

Habaneros...his lips blistered,his tongue and the inside of his nose got sores on them..and his plam looked chapped. He had apparently scooped up a handfull and shoved it all in his mouth so that i wouldn't catch him eatting it.

Every time he tried to talk for the next week, I about wet myself from laughing so hard...:wah:

It's a good thing he didn't need to pee before he washed his hands or you-know-what would have been blistered too.