koan's Don't Beat Around The Burning Bush notes on the bible in plain english with modern analogies.
Previous books: Genesis,Exodus,Leviticus,Numbers,Deuteronomy,Joshua
Judges 1
The Israelites, for the first time leaderless after Joshua's death... learn how to talk to God on their own. Lmao
I only laugh because all hell breaks loose.
God picks the tribe of Judah to go to war first. Makes sense as Judah is the warrior tribe. So they attack, kill 10 000 then manage to capture a king. They cut off his thumbs and big toes, for no apparent reason, but are then enlightened that the king had, himself, cut off the thumbs and big toes of seventy kings and made them crawl around under his table fighting for scraps. Personally, it sounds like this king, Adoni-bezek, did them seventy favours. You'd expect them to pat him on the back instead of torture him. It truly must be a sign that God was really speaking to them to select such an obscure punishment then have it be so relevant. Unfortunately, if they'd left him alone they'd be dealing with a lot more thumbless, toeless pagan kings to defeat instead of ones that are fully digitalized.
Next, Caleb regives his daughter some water in the Negev desert (Joshua 15) so... there is some evidence that deja vu means it actually did happen before.
There is some slippery business of Moses' father-in-law's descendants going along with the people of Judah. Ahem. Pagans!
Next comes a bunch of failures. Failure to drive out the existing populations of all kinds of places. Ahem. Maybe because they made nice with the... Pagans! Who cares if they were connected to Moses by marriage? If only they'd stoned them, they might have had a bit more success. Hindsight: 20/20.
Sometimes a person's just gotta get stoned.
Koan's notes on the OT: Book 7 - Judges
Koan's notes on the OT: Book 7 - Judges
Judges 2
The Lord sends an angel down to do a bit of talking. "I said I would never break my covenant with the people, but there was fine print. Subsection 550 part 213," angel peers over reading glasses with disapproving glance, "The people of Israel shall forthwith hereforth for hereafter, swear to not whore with other gods. And subsection 561 part 42," the angel closes the book impressively citing by heart, "The people will summarily destroy all altars that were built for whoring." One of the elders starts spinning wheels on their scroll copy of the agreement trying to find subsection 561. "The Lord hereby, forthwith hereafter shall cease to drive out the enemy so they will cause you problems and further tempt you to do what He doesn't want you to do." With a flourish the angel disappears in a flash of light, his voice lingering on with the final statement "You're on your own, asswipes."
Needless to say the people wailed and wept for a number of reasons, including having been insulted by an angel.
Joshua briefly seems to be alive again until they mention that he is indeed dead. Presumably they bring this up because as the rest of the elders give up their ghosts, the remaining youngsters have some good awhoring fun, each generation worse than the last. Baal and Ashtoreth get some good smoked meat and lots of chuckles. It seems the Israelites were getting something rewarding in return as they got stubborn and refused to give up their evil ways.
God burned with anger and offers what really sounds an awful lot like excuses. He claims He won't drive out the leftover nations because the people violated the covenant while, in fact, the nations weren't being driven out even when He was on their side. Maybe an excuse, maybe not, but then He says He was testing them to see if they'd still follow Him... that's why He didn't drive them out the first time. That's kind of the excuse He gave for leaving them in Egypt for 400 years too.
Hey God, time moves a little differently down here. "Lifetime" means 25 years. Just buy a product with a lifetime warranty and you'll see what I mean.
The Lord sends an angel down to do a bit of talking. "I said I would never break my covenant with the people, but there was fine print. Subsection 550 part 213," angel peers over reading glasses with disapproving glance, "The people of Israel shall forthwith hereforth for hereafter, swear to not whore with other gods. And subsection 561 part 42," the angel closes the book impressively citing by heart, "The people will summarily destroy all altars that were built for whoring." One of the elders starts spinning wheels on their scroll copy of the agreement trying to find subsection 561. "The Lord hereby, forthwith hereafter shall cease to drive out the enemy so they will cause you problems and further tempt you to do what He doesn't want you to do." With a flourish the angel disappears in a flash of light, his voice lingering on with the final statement "You're on your own, asswipes."
Needless to say the people wailed and wept for a number of reasons, including having been insulted by an angel.
Joshua briefly seems to be alive again until they mention that he is indeed dead. Presumably they bring this up because as the rest of the elders give up their ghosts, the remaining youngsters have some good awhoring fun, each generation worse than the last. Baal and Ashtoreth get some good smoked meat and lots of chuckles. It seems the Israelites were getting something rewarding in return as they got stubborn and refused to give up their evil ways.
God burned with anger and offers what really sounds an awful lot like excuses. He claims He won't drive out the leftover nations because the people violated the covenant while, in fact, the nations weren't being driven out even when He was on their side. Maybe an excuse, maybe not, but then He says He was testing them to see if they'd still follow Him... that's why He didn't drive them out the first time. That's kind of the excuse He gave for leaving them in Egypt for 400 years too.
Hey God, time moves a little differently down here. "Lifetime" means 25 years. Just buy a product with a lifetime warranty and you'll see what I mean.
Koan's notes on the OT: Book 7 - Judges
Judges 3
We get the low down on who the enemy is. Phillistines: bad with five kings so... five kinds of bad. Canaanites: all bad and all encompassing in case an enemy name gets neglected mention... if they live in Canaan, all bad, unless told otherwise. Sidonians and Hivites: also bad. The people of Israel live among the Canaanites, Hittites, Amorites, Perizzites, Hivites and Jebusites, intermarry with them and serve their gods. So add all the other names to the bad list. Of course we know that serving their gods was a bad idea now, because we're reading the story in condensed version. If you were there at the time, it might have seemed like a good idea to you too. Something to do while you wait for the lifetime warranty manufacturer to reply to your heartfelt letter.
Okay, story time:
The Israelites were bad boys and girls. God punished them until they cried. Then He sent them a saviour called a “judge.” (This part will be repeated often)
Othniel arrives. He is taken by the spirit of God, goes on a holy blitzkrieg, kills the evil king, and there is peace for forty years. Othniel dies. Damn. The next story is a little more detailed.
The Israelites were bad boys and girls. God punished them until they cried. Then He sent them a saviour called a “judge.”
Ehud arrives. The people sent him to give their tribute payment to the evil king Eglon. Ehud straps a knife to his right thigh then goes back after payment is made claiming he has a secret message. The king likes secrets so he sends his guards away. Now, Eglon is fat. How fat is he? Eglon is sooo fat that that his blubber swallowed the knife when Ehud gutted him. How much did Eglon **** himself? So much that his servants thought he was using the potty. How much potty humour is in this? Ehud escapes down the latrine.
Ehud sounds the alarm, not only because he smells like the king's latrine, but because he knows the king's men will be looking for the dude with king crap all over him. The people rally and smite 10 000 of the strongest oppressors then live in peace for 80 years... which is probably how long it took Ehud to get the smell off him.
More about Ehud soon, but, meanwhile, Shamgar appears. “He once killed 600 Philistines with a goat.” Oh, wait, no, with an ox goad.
Talk about random. :p That's all we hear about Shamgar.
We get the low down on who the enemy is. Phillistines: bad with five kings so... five kinds of bad. Canaanites: all bad and all encompassing in case an enemy name gets neglected mention... if they live in Canaan, all bad, unless told otherwise. Sidonians and Hivites: also bad. The people of Israel live among the Canaanites, Hittites, Amorites, Perizzites, Hivites and Jebusites, intermarry with them and serve their gods. So add all the other names to the bad list. Of course we know that serving their gods was a bad idea now, because we're reading the story in condensed version. If you were there at the time, it might have seemed like a good idea to you too. Something to do while you wait for the lifetime warranty manufacturer to reply to your heartfelt letter.
Okay, story time:
The Israelites were bad boys and girls. God punished them until they cried. Then He sent them a saviour called a “judge.” (This part will be repeated often)
Othniel arrives. He is taken by the spirit of God, goes on a holy blitzkrieg, kills the evil king, and there is peace for forty years. Othniel dies. Damn. The next story is a little more detailed.
The Israelites were bad boys and girls. God punished them until they cried. Then He sent them a saviour called a “judge.”
Ehud arrives. The people sent him to give their tribute payment to the evil king Eglon. Ehud straps a knife to his right thigh then goes back after payment is made claiming he has a secret message. The king likes secrets so he sends his guards away. Now, Eglon is fat. How fat is he? Eglon is sooo fat that that his blubber swallowed the knife when Ehud gutted him. How much did Eglon **** himself? So much that his servants thought he was using the potty. How much potty humour is in this? Ehud escapes down the latrine.
Ehud sounds the alarm, not only because he smells like the king's latrine, but because he knows the king's men will be looking for the dude with king crap all over him. The people rally and smite 10 000 of the strongest oppressors then live in peace for 80 years... which is probably how long it took Ehud to get the smell off him.
More about Ehud soon, but, meanwhile, Shamgar appears. “He once killed 600 Philistines with a goat.” Oh, wait, no, with an ox goad.
Talk about random. :p That's all we hear about Shamgar.
Koan's notes on the OT: Book 7 - Judges
Judges 4
The “more about Ehud” is that he dies. So, when did Shamgar and his goat happen? Who cares? In case you do, it was somewhere between Ehud and:
The Israelites were bad boys and girls. God punished them until they cried. Then He sent them a saviour called a “judge.”
Deborah arrives. She spent her time sitting under a palm tree while people went to her for “judgement” because she was a prophet...ess. Instead of burning her as a witch, they went to fetch Barak, a dude she summoned to command 10 000 fighters to go against the king. Normally Barak would be called the judge but he made Deborah go with him to battle and she said “ok, but only if you give me, a woman, all the credit.” Barak is secure in his manliness and agrees. He manages to defeat the greeting army but the king's captain, Sisera, escapes and finds himself at the previously friendly door of the questionably pagan relatives of Moses' in-laws.
The in-law woman agrees to hide Sisera but then drives a tent stake through his temple while he sleeps. This powerful show of allegiance not only puts God back on their side and makes people feel better about Moses' relatives, it makes it a double win for womankind. The king is shortly thereafter defeated and presumably much ale is consumed because Deborah and her (purely platonic because Deborah is married) friend Barak are about to sing.
The “more about Ehud” is that he dies. So, when did Shamgar and his goat happen? Who cares? In case you do, it was somewhere between Ehud and:
The Israelites were bad boys and girls. God punished them until they cried. Then He sent them a saviour called a “judge.”
Deborah arrives. She spent her time sitting under a palm tree while people went to her for “judgement” because she was a prophet...ess. Instead of burning her as a witch, they went to fetch Barak, a dude she summoned to command 10 000 fighters to go against the king. Normally Barak would be called the judge but he made Deborah go with him to battle and she said “ok, but only if you give me, a woman, all the credit.” Barak is secure in his manliness and agrees. He manages to defeat the greeting army but the king's captain, Sisera, escapes and finds himself at the previously friendly door of the questionably pagan relatives of Moses' in-laws.
The in-law woman agrees to hide Sisera but then drives a tent stake through his temple while he sleeps. This powerful show of allegiance not only puts God back on their side and makes people feel better about Moses' relatives, it makes it a double win for womankind. The king is shortly thereafter defeated and presumably much ale is consumed because Deborah and her (purely platonic because Deborah is married) friend Barak are about to sing.
Koan's notes on the OT: Book 7 - Judges
Aaahh! The old stake in the head routine. I suppose it beats a migraine.
Shalom
Ted
Shalom
Ted
Koan's notes on the OT: Book 7 - Judges
Ted;1345512 wrote: Aaahh! The old stake in the head routine. I suppose it beats a migraine.
Shalom
Ted
Yep. I think I made an error in translation though. Deborah said she'd go with him but the victory would be credited to a woman, not necessarily her. Supposedly the credit is for the stake bearer. Except that Deborah is the judge instead of Barak or the inlaw, which is a bit of a break from tradition, and makes me think the credit was meant for her.
Also, pat on my own back, it still cracks me up that I thought someone killed 600 men with a goat. I really did misread it the first time.
Shalom
Ted
Yep. I think I made an error in translation though. Deborah said she'd go with him but the victory would be credited to a woman, not necessarily her. Supposedly the credit is for the stake bearer. Except that Deborah is the judge instead of Barak or the inlaw, which is a bit of a break from tradition, and makes me think the credit was meant for her.
Also, pat on my own back, it still cracks me up that I thought someone killed 600 men with a goat. I really did misread it the first time.
Koan's notes on the OT: Book 7 - Judges
Finally! had some stuff I had to get done but here's the next chapter/song
Judges 5
Deborah and Barak get their groove on.
My God bad, my God good
My God do stuff that your gods wish they could... DTP!
Yo yo yo, now listen to my story of kickin us some ass,
The enemy's still searchin' for their atomic mass.
My man Barak and me, Debby D, blew their ashes back into the sea.
We lived in fear too long, plodding along, singing a slave song
And worshipping their gods though we knew it was wrong.
And now that it's through, a thought that is new,
We were there but where were all the rest of you?
Too scared? Unprepared? No one dared, just despaired
And sat there while a few small tribes saved your lives
with our knives we took down a whole town,
turned Sisera into a clown, dead in the last round
Of a religious crackdown turned holy smackdown.
As the story unfurls, this war was won by the girls,
Jael pounded lead in Sisera's head while he slept in bed
Then the enemy fled while his blood still ran red.
Why'd we do all the work, for you jerks who shirked?
It'll be us that smirk with the mystery hook:
Oh, look, there are our names in the history book.
Judges 5
Deborah and Barak get their groove on.
My God bad, my God good
My God do stuff that your gods wish they could... DTP!
Yo yo yo, now listen to my story of kickin us some ass,
The enemy's still searchin' for their atomic mass.
My man Barak and me, Debby D, blew their ashes back into the sea.
We lived in fear too long, plodding along, singing a slave song
And worshipping their gods though we knew it was wrong.
And now that it's through, a thought that is new,
We were there but where were all the rest of you?
Too scared? Unprepared? No one dared, just despaired
And sat there while a few small tribes saved your lives
with our knives we took down a whole town,
turned Sisera into a clown, dead in the last round
Of a religious crackdown turned holy smackdown.
As the story unfurls, this war was won by the girls,
Jael pounded lead in Sisera's head while he slept in bed
Then the enemy fled while his blood still ran red.
Why'd we do all the work, for you jerks who shirked?
It'll be us that smirk with the mystery hook:
Oh, look, there are our names in the history book.
Koan's notes on the OT: Book 7 - Judges
You've captured the Gloat Factor perfectly there. The song gloats so much it practically chortles.
Nullius in verba ... ☎||||||||||| ... To Fate I sue, of other means bereft, the only refuge for the wretched left.
When flower power came along I stood for Human Rights, marched around for peace and freedom, had some nooky every night - we took it serious.
Who has a spare two minutes to play in this month's FG Trivia game! ... My other OS is Slackware.
When flower power came along I stood for Human Rights, marched around for peace and freedom, had some nooky every night - we took it serious.
Who has a spare two minutes to play in this month's FG Trivia game! ... My other OS is Slackware.
Koan's notes on the OT: Book 7 - Judges
I seriously thought you said "goat factor" lmao. I seem to have a preoccupation with goats affecting my reading ability.
I was really pleased I was able to get "holy Smackdown" in there... oh, and the "atomic mass" took a little work.
I was really pleased I was able to get "holy Smackdown" in there... oh, and the "atomic mass" took a little work.
Koan's notes on the OT: Book 7 - Judges
Judges 6
The Israelites were bad boys and girls. God punished them until they cried. Then He sent them a saviour called a “judge.”
The Israelites are driven into caves. Surprisingly, they are disturbed by other people showing up in droves, back to their self-claimed homeland, and usurping all the land, cattle, and crops back to their “rightful” owners. So they start a Holy War to reclaim the territory. Wow. Those Israelites would sure have sympathy for today's Palestinians in the same situation against the... oh, Israelites. Damn. Perhaps they wouldn't.
Whateva, right?
So, we meet Gideon. An angel of the Lord parks himself under a tree. Gideon is hiding grain from his oppressors nearby when the angel shouts “Mighty hero! The Lord is with you.” Our hero most likely responds with “I wasn't takin' nothin'!” as he soon negates his status as chosen warrior by proclaiming his weakness. The angel assures him that God will protect him if he goes to battle, after which a series of really strange tests of God happen.
Our hero demands proof in the form of dew. “Put the dew on the mat.” “Ok. That was easy, now put the dew under the mat.” Meanwhile we don't know if God is saying to the angel “Really? That's the best you could find?” or “Wow, thanks for finding me a dumb one. Much easier than convincing Moses to talk.”
They start out with a prank. They take down the altar to Baal and replace it with a God altar. Next morning, among snickers, the Midianites go “Hey!! Who didith thus?... I kiya!” A voice cries out “If your god is so great let Baal smite the wicked himself” Ooooh, a clever conundrum. Hard to argue with that. After a severe migraine from working out how he'd been outwitted, the captain of the army moved to attack. Luckily the issue of “God by dew drops” had been resolved so Gideon was ready.
The Israelites were bad boys and girls. God punished them until they cried. Then He sent them a saviour called a “judge.”
The Israelites are driven into caves. Surprisingly, they are disturbed by other people showing up in droves, back to their self-claimed homeland, and usurping all the land, cattle, and crops back to their “rightful” owners. So they start a Holy War to reclaim the territory. Wow. Those Israelites would sure have sympathy for today's Palestinians in the same situation against the... oh, Israelites. Damn. Perhaps they wouldn't.
Whateva, right?
So, we meet Gideon. An angel of the Lord parks himself under a tree. Gideon is hiding grain from his oppressors nearby when the angel shouts “Mighty hero! The Lord is with you.” Our hero most likely responds with “I wasn't takin' nothin'!” as he soon negates his status as chosen warrior by proclaiming his weakness. The angel assures him that God will protect him if he goes to battle, after which a series of really strange tests of God happen.
Our hero demands proof in the form of dew. “Put the dew on the mat.” “Ok. That was easy, now put the dew under the mat.” Meanwhile we don't know if God is saying to the angel “Really? That's the best you could find?” or “Wow, thanks for finding me a dumb one. Much easier than convincing Moses to talk.”
They start out with a prank. They take down the altar to Baal and replace it with a God altar. Next morning, among snickers, the Midianites go “Hey!! Who didith thus?... I kiya!” A voice cries out “If your god is so great let Baal smite the wicked himself” Ooooh, a clever conundrum. Hard to argue with that. After a severe migraine from working out how he'd been outwitted, the captain of the army moved to attack. Luckily the issue of “God by dew drops” had been resolved so Gideon was ready.
Koan's notes on the OT: Book 7 - Judges
Judges 7
There's a couple of ways you could read the start of this: God told Gideon to send some warriors home so they'd obviously win by the blessing of God, as opposed to sheer numbers, then made two thirds of the army pee their pants in fear and leave... Or God noticed two thirds of Gideon's army was peeing themselves in fear so He decided to step in and help out.
Next, it was decided to test the etiquette of the fighters and they sent home anyone who lapped water from the pool and kept those who sipped by using their hands as cups. Obviously, true warriors have finesse. The captains were those who sipped from their hands with one pinky raised.
The plan turns out to need finesse. First, Gideon spies on them and overhears a dream wherein barley bread fell on the Midianites tents. Apparently this is a sign that the Israelites would have victory. I'd have been more sure if the bread was unleavened. Regardless, Gideon is convinced. They sneak up and surround the sleeping camp of their enemy then... Blow trumpets and smash clay jars! Startled from their sleep, the Midianites start killing each other in confusion. The Israelites then chase the remainder and, oh, my goodness, decapitate the leaders. The heads are brought back in victory. New meaning is thus given to the word “boo!”
eta: I'd have used one of those clay jars to drink water. So I'd probably have been second in command.
There's a couple of ways you could read the start of this: God told Gideon to send some warriors home so they'd obviously win by the blessing of God, as opposed to sheer numbers, then made two thirds of the army pee their pants in fear and leave... Or God noticed two thirds of Gideon's army was peeing themselves in fear so He decided to step in and help out.
Next, it was decided to test the etiquette of the fighters and they sent home anyone who lapped water from the pool and kept those who sipped by using their hands as cups. Obviously, true warriors have finesse. The captains were those who sipped from their hands with one pinky raised.
The plan turns out to need finesse. First, Gideon spies on them and overhears a dream wherein barley bread fell on the Midianites tents. Apparently this is a sign that the Israelites would have victory. I'd have been more sure if the bread was unleavened. Regardless, Gideon is convinced. They sneak up and surround the sleeping camp of their enemy then... Blow trumpets and smash clay jars! Startled from their sleep, the Midianites start killing each other in confusion. The Israelites then chase the remainder and, oh, my goodness, decapitate the leaders. The heads are brought back in victory. New meaning is thus given to the word “boo!”
eta: I'd have used one of those clay jars to drink water. So I'd probably have been second in command.
Koan's notes on the OT: Book 7 - Judges
Judges 8
Ok, as it turns out, the people who beheaded the Midianite leaders were not originally part of the attack plan. Having been put in the difficult position of being in the flee zone, the people of Ephraim ask “What, you couldn't have given us the heads up on this?” But Gideon did a little ass kissing and was forgiven.
This slight delay allowed the kings of Midian to get a lead on Gideon so they had to double time it in pursuit. Pant, gasp, ask for help from an enemy nation who refused them (gosh I wonder why) so they cursed the bastards and vowed to return in vengeance... pant, gasp, still running. Aha! They overtake the kings and drag them back in victory to flaunt in front of the town that wouldn't feed them. Well, the flaunting was kind of secondary to torturing all the officials and elders then killing all their men.
There is a brief exchange between Gideon and the kings before he kills them which would read dramatically like Gideon was only avenging his slayed brothers, except Gideon is the one who started the war so that excuse is really just like a mafia speech. “You kill my brother? I didn't want to have to do this but you leave me no choice.” Exit Marlon Brando as his henchman riddle the captors with bullets. Or are supposed to, but in this case the henchmen are young and say “I dunno Giddy, he looks so sad...” So Gideon's exit is wrecked and he has to kill them himself.
Although Gideon kept the Israelites from awhoring for 40 years, they didn't keep him from it (hehe) as he had multiple wives, 70 children and spawned a dude named Abimilech. Abimilech, unfortunately, is a Canaanite name common among the enemy people. Abimelech means my father is Moloch, a god of child sacrifices. It's a bit confusing for a "one God wonder" to name his child such and just as surprising the child survived.
Ok, as it turns out, the people who beheaded the Midianite leaders were not originally part of the attack plan. Having been put in the difficult position of being in the flee zone, the people of Ephraim ask “What, you couldn't have given us the heads up on this?” But Gideon did a little ass kissing and was forgiven.
This slight delay allowed the kings of Midian to get a lead on Gideon so they had to double time it in pursuit. Pant, gasp, ask for help from an enemy nation who refused them (gosh I wonder why) so they cursed the bastards and vowed to return in vengeance... pant, gasp, still running. Aha! They overtake the kings and drag them back in victory to flaunt in front of the town that wouldn't feed them. Well, the flaunting was kind of secondary to torturing all the officials and elders then killing all their men.
There is a brief exchange between Gideon and the kings before he kills them which would read dramatically like Gideon was only avenging his slayed brothers, except Gideon is the one who started the war so that excuse is really just like a mafia speech. “You kill my brother? I didn't want to have to do this but you leave me no choice.” Exit Marlon Brando as his henchman riddle the captors with bullets. Or are supposed to, but in this case the henchmen are young and say “I dunno Giddy, he looks so sad...” So Gideon's exit is wrecked and he has to kill them himself.
Although Gideon kept the Israelites from awhoring for 40 years, they didn't keep him from it (hehe) as he had multiple wives, 70 children and spawned a dude named Abimilech. Abimilech, unfortunately, is a Canaanite name common among the enemy people. Abimelech means my father is Moloch, a god of child sacrifices. It's a bit confusing for a "one God wonder" to name his child such and just as surprising the child survived.
Koan's notes on the OT: Book 7 - Judges
koan
This is even better then "Cole's Notes on the Bible". That would have been great in HS on Shakespeare. I do hope that someday you do "Revelation". That will be a hoot.
Shalom
Ted
This is even better then "Cole's Notes on the Bible". That would have been great in HS on Shakespeare. I do hope that someday you do "Revelation". That will be a hoot.
Shalom
Ted
Koan's notes on the OT: Book 7 - Judges
Oh, I'll get to Revelation alright. It might take a bit longer though as I've suddenly got another project that needs attention. Have to admit I'm addicted to the challenge of completion.
Judges 9
Not only did Abimelech survive his father, Gideon, but he convinced the people of Shechem to make him their king. He didn't so much talk them into it as acquire seventy silver pieces with which he paid to have Gideon's seventy other sons assassinated. That's one way to eliminate the competition. But he should have paid in gold as silver resulted in one of his half brothers escaping and calling him to account.
I thought the survivor, Jotham, sang a song in rebuttal but it turns out it was a parable poem instead. I present the limerick version:
There once was a lad from Shechem
Who demanded Israel worship him,
His motives impure
will not bring a cure
And the future is looking quite grim.
There once were some trees put upon
to rule over the forest which spawned.
They rejected reducing
the fruit they're producing;
The noblest way to respond.
Insistent to have them a king
the people misfortune did bring.
When they turned to a thorn
they ignored all the warn
That a thorn bush will bring endless sting.
Jotham then places a curse on Abimilech and his relatives who elected him and quickly runs for his life to hide. Whether or not Jotham's curse was relevant, as it wasn't ordained by God or an angel or anyone we've ever heard of before, Abimilech didn't have much luck.
Having not acquired his status via epic battle, he lacked The Charisma to successfully blame his society's misfortunes on some random farmer who ate meat on the wrong day so the people started to rise up against him after a short time. He managed to defeat a surprise attack then trapped a thousand people in a tower and burned them to death but that trick only worked once. The next time, a clever woman waited from above for the right moment then dropped a stone on his head before he could light the match. Thus Abimelech had a soldier kill him with a sword so he wouldn't look so stupid. Of course God was behind it all. He was just a little quieter about His allegiance this time.
Judges 9
Not only did Abimelech survive his father, Gideon, but he convinced the people of Shechem to make him their king. He didn't so much talk them into it as acquire seventy silver pieces with which he paid to have Gideon's seventy other sons assassinated. That's one way to eliminate the competition. But he should have paid in gold as silver resulted in one of his half brothers escaping and calling him to account.
I thought the survivor, Jotham, sang a song in rebuttal but it turns out it was a parable poem instead. I present the limerick version:
There once was a lad from Shechem
Who demanded Israel worship him,
His motives impure
will not bring a cure
And the future is looking quite grim.
There once were some trees put upon
to rule over the forest which spawned.
They rejected reducing
the fruit they're producing;
The noblest way to respond.
Insistent to have them a king
the people misfortune did bring.
When they turned to a thorn
they ignored all the warn
That a thorn bush will bring endless sting.
Jotham then places a curse on Abimilech and his relatives who elected him and quickly runs for his life to hide. Whether or not Jotham's curse was relevant, as it wasn't ordained by God or an angel or anyone we've ever heard of before, Abimilech didn't have much luck.
Having not acquired his status via epic battle, he lacked The Charisma to successfully blame his society's misfortunes on some random farmer who ate meat on the wrong day so the people started to rise up against him after a short time. He managed to defeat a surprise attack then trapped a thousand people in a tower and burned them to death but that trick only worked once. The next time, a clever woman waited from above for the right moment then dropped a stone on his head before he could light the match. Thus Abimelech had a soldier kill him with a sword so he wouldn't look so stupid. Of course God was behind it all. He was just a little quieter about His allegiance this time.
Koan's notes on the OT: Book 7 - Judges
Judges 10
The Israelites were bad boys and girls. God punished them until they cried. Then He sent them a saviour called a “judge.”
Meet Tola for twenty three years. And that's all folks.
The Israelites were bad boys and girls. God punished them until they cried. Then He sent them a saviour called a “judge.”
Introducing Jair. He had thirty sons who rode thirty asses around thirty cities. Want to guess how many years he ruled for? Wrong. Twenty two.
The Israelites were bad boys and girls. God punished them until they cried. Then they cried out in anguish and He said "**** you!"
Then added "Go ask Baal and Ashtereth for help since you like them so much." But the Israelites admitted that they'd been bad boys and girls and begged God to help them no matter how He saw fit to punish them later.
So it was announced that the first person to attack the Ammonites will become the leader of Israel. Don't know about you but I'm a little nervous for them picturing the Cadbury commercials... "Anything....?"
The Israelites were bad boys and girls. God punished them until they cried. Then He sent them a saviour called a “judge.”
Meet Tola for twenty three years. And that's all folks.
The Israelites were bad boys and girls. God punished them until they cried. Then He sent them a saviour called a “judge.”
Introducing Jair. He had thirty sons who rode thirty asses around thirty cities. Want to guess how many years he ruled for? Wrong. Twenty two.
The Israelites were bad boys and girls. God punished them until they cried. Then they cried out in anguish and He said "**** you!"
Then added "Go ask Baal and Ashtereth for help since you like them so much." But the Israelites admitted that they'd been bad boys and girls and begged God to help them no matter how He saw fit to punish them later.
So it was announced that the first person to attack the Ammonites will become the leader of Israel. Don't know about you but I'm a little nervous for them picturing the Cadbury commercials... "Anything....?"
Koan's notes on the OT: Book 7 - Judges
Judges 11
Meet Jephthah The Stupid.
The people of Israel consult. "Who do we know that is stupid enough to go attack the Ammorites? Oh. I know. What about that son of a whore that we threw out of town?" "You mean the one who gathered the group of worthless rebels who never managed to get back at us?" "Yeah, what's his name again?"
So they tell Jephthah that they'll make him king if he takes on the Ammorites. He replies "Are you shittin' me?" They reply "God as our witness, No."
Sounding like a good deal, Jephthah's first move as their pre-elected ruler is to ask the king of Ammon... "Wassup?"
The king replies, "We've come to reclaim the land you stole."
Jephthah says, "...." actually, it's a mishmash of truth and bullshit ending with how they'll keep what their God gave them and the Ammorites should be content with what their god gave them. Somewhere in the middle he claims that Balak was the king of Moab. I only mention it because I'm still really miffed that he got smote and I don't like him being lied about. For all we know, Jephthah believes what he says because... well, because he's kind of stupid.
He's so stupid that, heading into war he declares that he'll sacrifice to God the first living thing that greets him when he returns home if God gives him victory.
I wonder if he had a family dog that he really didn't like.
Unfortunately, Jephthah wins and his daughter rushes out to greet him when he returns. They both cry at his stupidity then, being superstitious people, she goes into the mountains to wail for two months then returns and allows her father to slaughter her.
I wonder if God just wanted her fat and blood.
Meet Jephthah The Stupid.
The people of Israel consult. "Who do we know that is stupid enough to go attack the Ammorites? Oh. I know. What about that son of a whore that we threw out of town?" "You mean the one who gathered the group of worthless rebels who never managed to get back at us?" "Yeah, what's his name again?"
So they tell Jephthah that they'll make him king if he takes on the Ammorites. He replies "Are you shittin' me?" They reply "God as our witness, No."
Sounding like a good deal, Jephthah's first move as their pre-elected ruler is to ask the king of Ammon... "Wassup?"
The king replies, "We've come to reclaim the land you stole."
Jephthah says, "...." actually, it's a mishmash of truth and bullshit ending with how they'll keep what their God gave them and the Ammorites should be content with what their god gave them. Somewhere in the middle he claims that Balak was the king of Moab. I only mention it because I'm still really miffed that he got smote and I don't like him being lied about. For all we know, Jephthah believes what he says because... well, because he's kind of stupid.
He's so stupid that, heading into war he declares that he'll sacrifice to God the first living thing that greets him when he returns home if God gives him victory.
I wonder if he had a family dog that he really didn't like.
Unfortunately, Jephthah wins and his daughter rushes out to greet him when he returns. They both cry at his stupidity then, being superstitious people, she goes into the mountains to wail for two months then returns and allows her father to slaughter her.
I wonder if God just wanted her fat and blood.
Koan's notes on the OT: Book 7 - Judges
I really ought to stop using my old laptop for anything. Keep getting caught in screen jump errors. Anyway. I thought this next one was a bizarre flashback but it turns out I was back in Joshua instead of Judges. So... in the present past I now refer to
Judges 12
So, after burning his daughter in sacrifice to the Lord, Jephthah The Stupid is confronted by Ephraim who state they are going to burn him down in his house because he didn't ask for their help. So Jephthah points out he did ask but they refused and it is thus revealed that Ephraim just doesn't like him. So Israel started fighting each other. Jephthah The Stupid won and they sussed out their enemy by asking them to say a word that the Ephraim accent didn't pronounce the same way.
Jephthah was too stupid to last longer than seven years and was probably followed by little better as we don't hear much about Ibzan, Elon, or Abdon, who followed him. Elon made it for ten years. One of them tried bringing in blood from outside the tribe another just had a lot of donkeys. Pretty much just stupid.
Judges 12
So, after burning his daughter in sacrifice to the Lord, Jephthah The Stupid is confronted by Ephraim who state they are going to burn him down in his house because he didn't ask for their help. So Jephthah points out he did ask but they refused and it is thus revealed that Ephraim just doesn't like him. So Israel started fighting each other. Jephthah The Stupid won and they sussed out their enemy by asking them to say a word that the Ephraim accent didn't pronounce the same way.
Jephthah was too stupid to last longer than seven years and was probably followed by little better as we don't hear much about Ibzan, Elon, or Abdon, who followed him. Elon made it for ten years. One of them tried bringing in blood from outside the tribe another just had a lot of donkeys. Pretty much just stupid.
Koan's notes on the OT: Book 7 - Judges
Judges 13
Guess what? The Israelites sinned again. This time God approached a barren woman and told her that if she stopped drinking, eating forbidden food, and promised to never cut her son's hair, she'd be blessed with a God given son who would be born holy.
It is then clarified that it wasn't God, it was one of God's angels. Her husband, Manoah, of the tribe of Dan... yeah a totally random tribe not particularly chosen for anything else, asked for the angel to appear again. So it does. But apparently Manoah doesn't know it's an angel because... well I'm told I'm not allowed to use the word stupid because it's worse than the four letter words.
So at some point before Samson is born, they figure out they just sacrificed to God and it was really an angel and Manoah thinks that means they're going to die. So what does that say about the role of God in the average Israelite's life?
They don't die and Samson is born, displaying some sort of divine spirit at a young age. We are still left wondering why the tribe of Dan is being chosen. It seems rather random and we think God is choosing the lesser of evils moment by moment now.
Guess what? The Israelites sinned again. This time God approached a barren woman and told her that if she stopped drinking, eating forbidden food, and promised to never cut her son's hair, she'd be blessed with a God given son who would be born holy.
It is then clarified that it wasn't God, it was one of God's angels. Her husband, Manoah, of the tribe of Dan... yeah a totally random tribe not particularly chosen for anything else, asked for the angel to appear again. So it does. But apparently Manoah doesn't know it's an angel because... well I'm told I'm not allowed to use the word stupid because it's worse than the four letter words.
So at some point before Samson is born, they figure out they just sacrificed to God and it was really an angel and Manoah thinks that means they're going to die. So what does that say about the role of God in the average Israelite's life?
They don't die and Samson is born, displaying some sort of divine spirit at a young age. We are still left wondering why the tribe of Dan is being chosen. It seems rather random and we think God is choosing the lesser of evils moment by moment now.
Koan's notes on the OT: Book 7 - Judges
Judges 14
Samson exhibits attributes of a miracle child. He falls for a Philistine woman (kind of off bounds) and says to his parents, “get her for me. His parents protest, forgetting that sometimes problems are actually opportunities.
On the journey to town to visit this pagan beauty, Samson is attacked by a lion and rips it's jaw open as if it's not a lion. I'm not sure how we know about this as he apparently doesn't tell anyone and apparently his parents don't notice that a lion tried to eat them.
The girl is attained and on the way back to town for the wedding, Samson stops to check out the lion carcass... lets forget that holy people aren't supposed to touch dead things... sees that bees made honey in the dead body, scoops some honey out and offers it to his parents as yummy treats. They eat it because he doesn't tell them where he got it from. How's that for random?
Next, the bride's family gives Samson thirty friends with which to have a bachelor party. Perhaps there was a lack of strippers available as Samson gives them a riddle to solve as entertainment. The wager is thirty sets of linens and “festive clothes so, leather.
I've considered telling the riddle but it's not really a riddle. It's more like Rumpelstiltskin asking what his name is and only giving one guess.
So the bought and paid for friends implore Samson's wife-to-be to tell them the answer and she basically refused to have sex with him unless he told her. Of course when the “friends provided the answer he knew “If you hadn’t plowed with my heifer, you wouldn’t have solved my riddle! Now, I don't know about you but, in my book, 'plowing his heifer' sounds like a euphemism.
Samson doesn't actually buy the wager items. He kills 30 men, takes their stuff, gives it to the false friends, goes back to mommy and daddy, and gives his wife to the dude playing his best man. It seems he didn't really have any friends of his own so I'm thinking the best man was payed to play the part, got linens, clothes, and a new wife who had plowed some other fields.
Samson exhibits attributes of a miracle child. He falls for a Philistine woman (kind of off bounds) and says to his parents, “get her for me. His parents protest, forgetting that sometimes problems are actually opportunities.
On the journey to town to visit this pagan beauty, Samson is attacked by a lion and rips it's jaw open as if it's not a lion. I'm not sure how we know about this as he apparently doesn't tell anyone and apparently his parents don't notice that a lion tried to eat them.
The girl is attained and on the way back to town for the wedding, Samson stops to check out the lion carcass... lets forget that holy people aren't supposed to touch dead things... sees that bees made honey in the dead body, scoops some honey out and offers it to his parents as yummy treats. They eat it because he doesn't tell them where he got it from. How's that for random?
Next, the bride's family gives Samson thirty friends with which to have a bachelor party. Perhaps there was a lack of strippers available as Samson gives them a riddle to solve as entertainment. The wager is thirty sets of linens and “festive clothes so, leather.
I've considered telling the riddle but it's not really a riddle. It's more like Rumpelstiltskin asking what his name is and only giving one guess.
So the bought and paid for friends implore Samson's wife-to-be to tell them the answer and she basically refused to have sex with him unless he told her. Of course when the “friends provided the answer he knew “If you hadn’t plowed with my heifer, you wouldn’t have solved my riddle! Now, I don't know about you but, in my book, 'plowing his heifer' sounds like a euphemism.
Samson doesn't actually buy the wager items. He kills 30 men, takes their stuff, gives it to the false friends, goes back to mommy and daddy, and gives his wife to the dude playing his best man. It seems he didn't really have any friends of his own so I'm thinking the best man was payed to play the part, got linens, clothes, and a new wife who had plowed some other fields.
Koan's notes on the OT: Book 7 - Judges
Damn right Samson doesn't have any friends, he's the Bible's all-time social disaster. I've thought for several minutes and I can't think of a single benefit he ever brought anyone. Especially, top of the list, his parents.
Nullius in verba ... ☎||||||||||| ... To Fate I sue, of other means bereft, the only refuge for the wretched left.
When flower power came along I stood for Human Rights, marched around for peace and freedom, had some nooky every night - we took it serious.
Who has a spare two minutes to play in this month's FG Trivia game! ... My other OS is Slackware.
When flower power came along I stood for Human Rights, marched around for peace and freedom, had some nooky every night - we took it serious.
Who has a spare two minutes to play in this month's FG Trivia game! ... My other OS is Slackware.
Koan's notes on the OT: Book 7 - Judges
He's a bit of a nightmare.
Judges 15
Samson forgets that he pulled a hissy fit and left his wife. He goes back to town as if nothing happened. The girl's father stops him and says “No, you can't sleep with her, she's married to the guy who didn't leave the wedding.” Samson is enraged. The father feels bad for him and offers his other, younger daughter. Samson won't be appeased. He destroys a bunch of fields, vineyards and olive groves.
The Philistines ask what the heck is going on. They bring the father and girl out and burn them so Samson will go away. Samson is all Incredible Hulk and now they've made him angry there's no reasoning to be done. He kills a bunch of them in a rage then Hulks off to a cave.
The Philistines send out a search party to bring this bizarre creature to justice. The people of Judah round him up from his cave and hand him over to the search party. Samson goes willingly as he has a clever Hulkish plan in the works. When the Philistines are before him, he breaks the ropes that were used to bind him, grabs the jawbone of a donkey corpse nearby, and slaughters 1000 Philistines with the crude weapon. He tosses it down when he's done and they call the place “Jawbone Hill.” Not a great name but not the worst.
Needless to say, Samson's a bit thirsty after all the killing so he does a drama queen “Oh, Lord, shall I die of thirst after this great display of your power?” God answers by bringing forth water from a hollow in the ground. So he calls it “The Spring Of The One Who Cried Out.” Hmmm. I'd have called it “The Watering Hole Of The Crazy Man.”
Samson become Israel's judge for 30 years because, what choice did they have? I'm just saying there's nothing in there about the Israelites thanking God for sending Samson.
Judges 15
Samson forgets that he pulled a hissy fit and left his wife. He goes back to town as if nothing happened. The girl's father stops him and says “No, you can't sleep with her, she's married to the guy who didn't leave the wedding.” Samson is enraged. The father feels bad for him and offers his other, younger daughter. Samson won't be appeased. He destroys a bunch of fields, vineyards and olive groves.
The Philistines ask what the heck is going on. They bring the father and girl out and burn them so Samson will go away. Samson is all Incredible Hulk and now they've made him angry there's no reasoning to be done. He kills a bunch of them in a rage then Hulks off to a cave.
The Philistines send out a search party to bring this bizarre creature to justice. The people of Judah round him up from his cave and hand him over to the search party. Samson goes willingly as he has a clever Hulkish plan in the works. When the Philistines are before him, he breaks the ropes that were used to bind him, grabs the jawbone of a donkey corpse nearby, and slaughters 1000 Philistines with the crude weapon. He tosses it down when he's done and they call the place “Jawbone Hill.” Not a great name but not the worst.
Needless to say, Samson's a bit thirsty after all the killing so he does a drama queen “Oh, Lord, shall I die of thirst after this great display of your power?” God answers by bringing forth water from a hollow in the ground. So he calls it “The Spring Of The One Who Cried Out.” Hmmm. I'd have called it “The Watering Hole Of The Crazy Man.”
Samson become Israel's judge for 30 years because, what choice did they have? I'm just saying there's nothing in there about the Israelites thanking God for sending Samson.
Koan's notes on the OT: Book 7 - Judges
Judges 16
There is a peculiar story about Samson bedding up with a whore and the Philistines laying in wait for him at the city gates. Then Samson picks up the gates and carries them all the way back to Hebron. It doesn't explain how that helped. You'd think it made him too busy to defend himself so I'm thinking the would be attackers said “As soon as you pass through those gates we'll kill you.” So he miraculously outwitted them. Without that detail it really makes no sense at all.
Next, Samson falls for a chick named Delilah. So women appear to be his first weakness. The Philistines talk her into spying for them. She's given the mission of finding out his weakness. After women, the next weakness appears to be stupidity. Oh, and lying, if you believe that's a sin.
Delilah asks what it would take to tie Samson up securely. He tells her something that doesn't work. She tries it, the Philistines jump out from hiding, and it fails. Samson doesn't kill her. Stupid pet trick number one.
Delilah chides Samson for lying to her (!?!) then asks him how to tie him up again. He answers (!?!) The Philistines jump out from hiding, and it fails. Samson doesn't kill her. Stupid pet trick number two.
Delilah is really pissed he lied to her again (!?!) then asks him how to make him trapped again. He answers (!?!) The Philistines jump out from hiding, and it fails. Samson doesn't kill her. Stupid pet trick number three. Even a dog remembers who kicked them.
Delilah pouted. Then she nagged. The nagging is what finally got to him. He told her that his hair had never been cut by order of God. Needless to say, he woke up a few pounds lighter and the Philistines took him captive and gouged out his eyes. Probably a good defensive measure. They set him to grinding grain in prison and the people rejoiced that a mass murderer was now in custody.
Unfortunately they waited until his hair was growing back before they brought the blind terrorist to the public arena for amusement. They bound him to two poles that happened to be supporting structures for the arena. Samson called on the Lord for His blessing to be the first suicide attack, brought down the pillars, killing himself and everyone in the arena simultaneously. Now that's entertainment, OT style.
Samson is declared to have judged Israel for twenty years but... I think the word “judge” here has a different meaning. “Judge” means, in the biblical sense, killed large numbers of people.
Samson's epitaph: Don't call me stupid.
or: He came (with whores) He saw (till they took his eyes) He conquered (though no one quite knew what he was fighting for)
There is a peculiar story about Samson bedding up with a whore and the Philistines laying in wait for him at the city gates. Then Samson picks up the gates and carries them all the way back to Hebron. It doesn't explain how that helped. You'd think it made him too busy to defend himself so I'm thinking the would be attackers said “As soon as you pass through those gates we'll kill you.” So he miraculously outwitted them. Without that detail it really makes no sense at all.
Next, Samson falls for a chick named Delilah. So women appear to be his first weakness. The Philistines talk her into spying for them. She's given the mission of finding out his weakness. After women, the next weakness appears to be stupidity. Oh, and lying, if you believe that's a sin.
Delilah asks what it would take to tie Samson up securely. He tells her something that doesn't work. She tries it, the Philistines jump out from hiding, and it fails. Samson doesn't kill her. Stupid pet trick number one.
Delilah chides Samson for lying to her (!?!) then asks him how to tie him up again. He answers (!?!) The Philistines jump out from hiding, and it fails. Samson doesn't kill her. Stupid pet trick number two.
Delilah is really pissed he lied to her again (!?!) then asks him how to make him trapped again. He answers (!?!) The Philistines jump out from hiding, and it fails. Samson doesn't kill her. Stupid pet trick number three. Even a dog remembers who kicked them.
Delilah pouted. Then she nagged. The nagging is what finally got to him. He told her that his hair had never been cut by order of God. Needless to say, he woke up a few pounds lighter and the Philistines took him captive and gouged out his eyes. Probably a good defensive measure. They set him to grinding grain in prison and the people rejoiced that a mass murderer was now in custody.
Unfortunately they waited until his hair was growing back before they brought the blind terrorist to the public arena for amusement. They bound him to two poles that happened to be supporting structures for the arena. Samson called on the Lord for His blessing to be the first suicide attack, brought down the pillars, killing himself and everyone in the arena simultaneously. Now that's entertainment, OT style.
Samson is declared to have judged Israel for twenty years but... I think the word “judge” here has a different meaning. “Judge” means, in the biblical sense, killed large numbers of people.
Samson's epitaph: Don't call me stupid.
or: He came (with whores) He saw (till they took his eyes) He conquered (though no one quite knew what he was fighting for)
Koan's notes on the OT: Book 7 - Judges
Judges 17
There once was a boy with a curse,
For stealing from his mother's purse.
He confessed to the sin,
So her blessing he'd win,
But went on to commit sins much worse.
So, the boy, Micah, and his mother take some of the stolen money and melt it down to make images of God. Then he makes his own shrine and turns his sons into non ordained priests where they practice their own, likely misguided, version of worship. A Levite on pilgrimage comes along and agrees to be hired as a personal priest to Micah. It's a good thing he agreed as Micah has all the makings of a serial killer.
There once was a boy with a curse,
For stealing from his mother's purse.
He confessed to the sin,
So her blessing he'd win,
But went on to commit sins much worse.
So, the boy, Micah, and his mother take some of the stolen money and melt it down to make images of God. Then he makes his own shrine and turns his sons into non ordained priests where they practice their own, likely misguided, version of worship. A Levite on pilgrimage comes along and agrees to be hired as a personal priest to Micah. It's a good thing he agreed as Micah has all the makings of a serial killer.
Koan's notes on the OT: Book 7 - Judges
Judges 18
There is some reason to suspect that the Levite being held by Micah develops Stockholm Syndrome. The descendants of Dan, who must have been spending some serious time with a hookah pipe, still haven't got to the land Moses gave them. They stumble upon Micah's place and, seeing the holy man, hear the story of how he got to be there. They are on a mission to discover whether the land they seek is fertile so they can't stay long. The Levite gives them blessings and they do not forget about him.
The men of Dan return with news of good land, a call to seek and destroy and set off with armies behind them to go take what they want. They stop off at Micah's and rescue the holy man, who questions with concern when they grab the idols and images from his place of captivity as souvenirs. Micah's people rush after them and demand their stuff back. “Watch what you say!” the Danites respond. (Whatchu talkin' 'bout, Willis?)
Micah sees he is outnumbered and watches the plunderers steal away his idols, false gods and prisoner priest. Ok. The priest isn't really a prisoner. But a case could definitely be made for the accusation. I'd like to hear his side of the story.
There is some reason to suspect that the Levite being held by Micah develops Stockholm Syndrome. The descendants of Dan, who must have been spending some serious time with a hookah pipe, still haven't got to the land Moses gave them. They stumble upon Micah's place and, seeing the holy man, hear the story of how he got to be there. They are on a mission to discover whether the land they seek is fertile so they can't stay long. The Levite gives them blessings and they do not forget about him.
The men of Dan return with news of good land, a call to seek and destroy and set off with armies behind them to go take what they want. They stop off at Micah's and rescue the holy man, who questions with concern when they grab the idols and images from his place of captivity as souvenirs. Micah's people rush after them and demand their stuff back. “Watch what you say!” the Danites respond. (Whatchu talkin' 'bout, Willis?)
Micah sees he is outnumbered and watches the plunderers steal away his idols, false gods and prisoner priest. Ok. The priest isn't really a prisoner. But a case could definitely be made for the accusation. I'd like to hear his side of the story.
Koan's notes on the OT: Book 7 - Judges
Judges 19
We are reminded that there is no king of Isreal. It seems repetitive but, as a warning, some seriously bad business is about to take place.
A Levite, so, presumably, a priest, has one of his concubines take off for better fields. We don't know why she left but he waits a few months then decides she's not coming back of her own free will so he goes to fetch her.
He arrives at her fathers house and sticks around for three nights drinking, eating and generally having a good enough time that he loses track of his mission. The booze is good and the father keeps him from leaving night after night until finally the booze whore says “No, I gotta get back, gimme the girl.” (paraphrased)
So he heads out with a likely bad hangover and his travel mate suggests they stop at a heathen town shortly after embarking but the Levite refuses. After the mate heaves his supper over the side of his donkey, the Levite agrees to stop for the night as they've reached an Israelite town. Unfortunately, they hadn't made reservations. An old man agrees to let them in for shelter after they assure that they have their own supplies. They are in a town of Benjamin. It would be relevent but God doesn't seem to remember which tribes are cursed later so... whatever.
What follows could be a statement against Benjaminites or it could be a statement about how the heathens would have been better. It's kind of up for grabs.
A bunch of drunken Benjamite men show up and demand the old man turn out the traveller so they can sodomize him. The old man thinks back to what Lot would have done and decides to offer the drunkards his virgin daughter. He throws in the Levite's concubine for good luck.
Understandably the concubine was a little nervous so the Levite helped by shoving her out the door. To be clear, he told the men to abuse her all night, just leave him alone.
Needless to say, CSI was called in the next day.
Actually, they were called in a little later. The Levite took his dead whore in the morning, threw her over his donkey till he got back to his workshop, cut her into twelve pieces and mailed a piece of her to each tribe of Israel. The CSI technicians called in the BAU when they saw the postmark on the packages crossed state lines.
We are reminded that there is no king of Isreal. It seems repetitive but, as a warning, some seriously bad business is about to take place.
A Levite, so, presumably, a priest, has one of his concubines take off for better fields. We don't know why she left but he waits a few months then decides she's not coming back of her own free will so he goes to fetch her.
He arrives at her fathers house and sticks around for three nights drinking, eating and generally having a good enough time that he loses track of his mission. The booze is good and the father keeps him from leaving night after night until finally the booze whore says “No, I gotta get back, gimme the girl.” (paraphrased)
So he heads out with a likely bad hangover and his travel mate suggests they stop at a heathen town shortly after embarking but the Levite refuses. After the mate heaves his supper over the side of his donkey, the Levite agrees to stop for the night as they've reached an Israelite town. Unfortunately, they hadn't made reservations. An old man agrees to let them in for shelter after they assure that they have their own supplies. They are in a town of Benjamin. It would be relevent but God doesn't seem to remember which tribes are cursed later so... whatever.
What follows could be a statement against Benjaminites or it could be a statement about how the heathens would have been better. It's kind of up for grabs.
A bunch of drunken Benjamite men show up and demand the old man turn out the traveller so they can sodomize him. The old man thinks back to what Lot would have done and decides to offer the drunkards his virgin daughter. He throws in the Levite's concubine for good luck.
Understandably the concubine was a little nervous so the Levite helped by shoving her out the door. To be clear, he told the men to abuse her all night, just leave him alone.
Needless to say, CSI was called in the next day.
Actually, they were called in a little later. The Levite took his dead whore in the morning, threw her over his donkey till he got back to his workshop, cut her into twelve pieces and mailed a piece of her to each tribe of Israel. The CSI technicians called in the BAU when they saw the postmark on the packages crossed state lines.
Koan's notes on the OT: Book 7 - Judges
Judges 20
The tribes of Israel unite to find out what the heck is wrong with the Benjaminites. They demand that the concubine killers are handed over but the town refuses. The Benjaminites are woefully outnumbered so you'd think they'd fall easily. Not the case. There is mention of how many Benjaminites are expert marksmen with the slingshot. That seems to be the one advantage they have.
The attack happens in three waves. First wave, the Benjaminites kick some serious butt. The Israelites cry to God who tells them to go back in. Second wave, the Benjaminites kick some serious butt. The Israelites cry to God who tells them to go back in and this time He'll help them out a little. Third wave, they take advantage of having had their butts kicked to lure the Benjaminites out in chase, at which point the bad guys find themselves surrounded and the Israelites kick some butt till there is no butt left.
One could ask why God made it sound like they would win three times but only told the complete truth the third time except we know He likes to even the score a little so everyone knows they won by divine intervention. Of course it wasn't lying since He knew they'd win eventually.
One could also ask why the Benjaminites, who had taken part in a few similar battles, didn't foresee the ambush tactic but we know they forgot some of God's laws so they probably forgot his battle strategy too.
The tribes of Israel unite to find out what the heck is wrong with the Benjaminites. They demand that the concubine killers are handed over but the town refuses. The Benjaminites are woefully outnumbered so you'd think they'd fall easily. Not the case. There is mention of how many Benjaminites are expert marksmen with the slingshot. That seems to be the one advantage they have.
The attack happens in three waves. First wave, the Benjaminites kick some serious butt. The Israelites cry to God who tells them to go back in. Second wave, the Benjaminites kick some serious butt. The Israelites cry to God who tells them to go back in and this time He'll help them out a little. Third wave, they take advantage of having had their butts kicked to lure the Benjaminites out in chase, at which point the bad guys find themselves surrounded and the Israelites kick some butt till there is no butt left.
One could ask why God made it sound like they would win three times but only told the complete truth the third time except we know He likes to even the score a little so everyone knows they won by divine intervention. Of course it wasn't lying since He knew they'd win eventually.
One could also ask why the Benjaminites, who had taken part in a few similar battles, didn't foresee the ambush tactic but we know they forgot some of God's laws so they probably forgot his battle strategy too.
Koan's notes on the OT: Book 7 - Judges
Judges 21
When everyone sobered up they realised things were not good. The Israelites had smote all the women and children of Benjamin and the tribe was completely obliterated except for a few hundred men that ran away from the battle when they saw they'd lost. On top of that, the Israelites made an oath to never give a daughter to be the wife of a Benjaminite so the survivors would not be able to reproduce. This vexed them.
There is the crazy solution that Benjaminites could take wives from outside the community but apparently it was preferable to kill more of their own people to solve the problem. They looked around for victims, saw that the people of a nearby town, Jabesh-Gilead, hadn't bothered to come to the meeting so they went down, killed all but the young virgins and brought them back as gifts to the Benjaminites. There were still a few survivors without mates so the second solution was for them to lay in wait until another nearby town of Shiloh had their dancing festival, then the single Benjaminites could leap out of hiding, kidnap the girls they wanted to bed and carry them off in peace. If the men of the town haven't consented to the girls being given away then no one breaks any vow. Somehow I'm thinking the men of Shiloh weren't at the meeting either.
We could feel bad for the girls or we could be happy for the town of Shiloh that they didn't meet the same fate as Jabesh-Gilead.
So, in summary, they killed a whole tribe, regretted it, killed a whole town to solve the killed tribe problem, regretted it, arranged the kidnapping of innocent young girls because it was better than killing another whole town. Basically, realising that having killed off one twelfth of themselves didn't really change their way of looking at things too much.
We are reminded that, back then, Israel had no king so they all did what they thought best. Thinking wasn't their strong point.
When everyone sobered up they realised things were not good. The Israelites had smote all the women and children of Benjamin and the tribe was completely obliterated except for a few hundred men that ran away from the battle when they saw they'd lost. On top of that, the Israelites made an oath to never give a daughter to be the wife of a Benjaminite so the survivors would not be able to reproduce. This vexed them.
There is the crazy solution that Benjaminites could take wives from outside the community but apparently it was preferable to kill more of their own people to solve the problem. They looked around for victims, saw that the people of a nearby town, Jabesh-Gilead, hadn't bothered to come to the meeting so they went down, killed all but the young virgins and brought them back as gifts to the Benjaminites. There were still a few survivors without mates so the second solution was for them to lay in wait until another nearby town of Shiloh had their dancing festival, then the single Benjaminites could leap out of hiding, kidnap the girls they wanted to bed and carry them off in peace. If the men of the town haven't consented to the girls being given away then no one breaks any vow. Somehow I'm thinking the men of Shiloh weren't at the meeting either.
We could feel bad for the girls or we could be happy for the town of Shiloh that they didn't meet the same fate as Jabesh-Gilead.
So, in summary, they killed a whole tribe, regretted it, killed a whole town to solve the killed tribe problem, regretted it, arranged the kidnapping of innocent young girls because it was better than killing another whole town. Basically, realising that having killed off one twelfth of themselves didn't really change their way of looking at things too much.
We are reminded that, back then, Israel had no king so they all did what they thought best. Thinking wasn't their strong point.
Koan's notes on the OT: Book 7 - Judges
spot was right. Judges: awesome nest of character stories.