Marriage Life Woes:

Derryck · Post by **Derryck** » Mon Sep 19, 2005 5:38 pm

Married Life Woes:

This is my TAKE on marriage life woes, which is the expressed views, experiences, (oral and written), by several thousands who are married, have been married for some time, is still married, and is contemplating separation from this legal yoke or harness!

I have never been married personally, but have read widely the views expressed by so many married and formerly married men and women, that it is not what it is believed to be. Most people who get married, do so for the wrong reasons. Such as passion, good (or presumed) regular sex, companionship, and growing old together.

But in the reality of marriage, this very often proves to be quite the opposite. Married people I have found, in time become so physically accustomed to each other's presence in the home, night and day, (twenty four seven), that they begin to take each other's views, idiosyncrasies, humor, and presence, matter of factly. Most marriages lack the sexual 'fire' that was so alive at the outset of the courtship-dating, or early in the marriage.

Very often the female partner is so occupied with the raising of the children, that she is more often than not, too tired to have any interest in having sex with her spouse.

This can be very serious for most men, especially those who like having sex on a regular basis. And not having a special date or quota system established by their spouse, to control their bedroom activities. Or to empower her position as spouse, who can and will protect her right to say "NO TO SEX" whenever she or he is not in the mood.

If the male partner becomes so sexually frustrated with these restrictions on his bedroom activity, and he tries to get some outside the home to compensate. And wind of it gets to his spouse's hearing. Woe to him from then onwards. She invariably uses this weapon to continue to chastise him for infidelity, and issues ultimatums about the ending of such extra-curricular activities, "OR ELSE" (divorce or abstinence) from her!

So what is the man to do but worry, fret, complain, drink, or seek release somewhere else, to appease his frustrations. Very few men can abstain from sex in a marriage, based on his spouse's edicts or refusals, and not be bothered at all. I guess when that happens, the male partner is either over the hill (sexually), too old to feel the urge, or too frail or unfit to manage such activity.

So my friends, is this the kind of life you want to live with a LEGAL SPOUSE/MATE? Do you want to be trapped in a relationship by law, that stipulates how you should relate, love, care for, and support your partner or spouse, even when you no longer feel emotionally involved anymore? Or want to continue the relationship any longer, because you have lost the presumed compatibility that was first evident.

Or have drifted apart from each other, because one party wants to pursue a career that may take him or her to another City or State? Or maybe you both seem to have lost the spark that bind you together from the start, and is rapidly separating you from each other emotionally, and intellectually.

Whatever it is, marriage is never what it seems, or is believed to achieve in reality!

Om Shanti.

Derryck.

robinseggs · Post by **robinseggs** » Mon Sep 19, 2005 7:17 pm

Derryk I agree w/ you--many marry for the wrong reasons. However you seem to focus on just one reason marriages go bad....sex. There are a thousand other reasons marriages fail. There are also a thousand other reasons marriages flourish. As you said it, you've NEVER been married! You seem very defensive. Is someone trying to push you into it? Why are ambushing us with good marriages?

By the way, we have been married 10 yrs and have never been happier. We have 3 great kids, a dog, the fenced yard....a very happy marriage in the suburbs. Some call it boring. We are very happy. So why do you have a problem with that?

lady cop · Post by **lady cop** » Mon Sep 19, 2005 7:37 pm

the entire premise of this initial post seems to be sexual satisfaction of a male. a lack thereof leading to 'fret and drink' et al. i do think many more factors are at work. this was actually a rather cynical and one-sided bitter post. combined with cliches like the woman is 'too tired and occupied with kids'. all i can say is women love sex as much as men, perhaps lothario is lacking??

BabyRider · Post by **BabyRider** » Mon Sep 19, 2005 7:51 pm

lady cop wrote: the entire premise of this initial post seems to be sexual satisfaction of a male. a lack thereof leading to 'fret and drink' et al. i do think many more factors are at work. this was actually a rather cynical and one-sided bitter post. combined with cliches like the woman is 'too tired and occupied with kids'. all i can say is women love sex as much as men, perhaps lothario is lacking??
It does seem rather bitter. Someone needs some nookie.

Seriously though, the whole "men have needs and when they aren't satisfied they go find it somewhere else" is a discussion I really love. But to constantly blame the women for the lack of sex is just absurd, and archaic. How about the husband who just expects it, with no thought for romancing, or even priming up his wife? Sometimes I think men believe we have a switch that we flip to be ready for their "attentions" at the drop of a hat. They expect their SO to be ready whenever they want it. What happened to seduction? What happened to flirting with your wife? When a woman feels she is being taken for granted, she most likely will shut down.

A very smart man I know has this theory: If you give your woman really great sex, making sure she's satisfied FIRST, she'll want it more often, therefore YOU'LL get it more often.

Communication is vital, as in anything else in your marriage.

Derryck wrote:

But in the reality of marriage, this very often proves to be quite the opposite.

Could you possibly tell us about your research group? Some demographics? Something a bit more substantial?

PurpleChicken · Post by **PurpleChicken** » Tue Sep 20, 2005 5:51 am

Derryck you certainly bring an interesting, somewhat cynical view of marriage.

The bottom line is that marriages take work. You don't just get married and presume that everything will remain the same always - that never happens in any other aspect of life, why should it in a marriage. You have to work at it to keep that fire alive. It takes a concerted effort on both parts to spend time together, listen to each other, love each other, and help each other to make a marriage work. I fear the many of the men in your sample were not prepared to put in the effort, and thus got no reward.

I believe that you should never stop dating - asking my hubby out on a 'date' certainly gets that fire stoked up again!!!

along-for-the-ride · Post by **along-for-the-ride** » Tue Sep 20, 2005 2:16 pm

What has always baffled me is the huge amount of money and pomp and circumstance a young couple will put on the wedding, but what about the most important part of the relationship....the marriage?

Marriage should be a chosen way of life for two people. These two people should be good friends as well as lovers. You treat your spouse the way you want to be treated by your spouse. A long term marriage is, ofcourse, going to see alot of challenges and some changes and some conflicts and some opportunities to grow as a person. Hey...that is life, single or married.

Marriage is a great opportunity for two people to share their lives with each other.

Words of wisdom and truth have been spoken by the previous posts.

nvalleyvee · Post by **nvalleyvee** » Tue Sep 20, 2005 2:36 pm

OMG Derrick. Marriage is a committment of time, personal feelings, friendship, sharing and so many things I cannot even begin to mention them all. In a committed relationship, each partner wakes up every single day and says I have my friend beside me - the friend with whom I want to walk through life's hardships and joys. There is no "Oh well - I'm just not that happy" and walking away. Maybe if you are just "not that happy" you are not putting your time and effort into the relationship. How can you be so selfish. We can find sexual gratification with strangers any day of the week. Where do you find someone you want to make feel special and who makes you feel special any day of the week? Marriage and any true relationship is hard work.....that other person is not there for your personal enjoyment without giving back and contributing to the joy of the two of you together. As time goes on - it does not become dull and boring - it becomes rewarding and compatible. Perhaps you should read some threads on FG that show what relationships are really about. You would be able to see the unconditional love, strength, endurance etc that one spouse gives another. Maybe that would take some cynicism away from your taudry thought that marriage is about sex.

BabyRider · Post by **BabyRider** » Tue Sep 20, 2005 4:49 pm

There are some damn smart people that hang out on this forum.

actionfigurestepho · Post by **actionfigurestepho** » Tue Sep 20, 2005 5:25 pm

Derryck wrote:

Very often the female partner is so occupied with the raising of the children, that she is more often than not, too tired to have any interest in having sex with her spouse.

Then maybe the man should get off his rear and offer to help in the child raising. Honestly, it's such crap that if a woman leaves the childrearing to the other partner than she's a horrible mother, but if a man does it that's OK because sorting papers and making calls in an office all day is "man's work" and surely more exhausting than chasing three toddlers around all day while trying to cook and keep the house somewhat in order. You want sex? Try trading places. I honestly don't know why men decide they want babies if they're not going to help take care of them, or if they're going to gloss over the hard work involved.

Sorry Derryck : ) Not a personal attack since you say you're not married yourself, just a comment on how I read the post.

LottomagicZ4941 · Post by **LottomagicZ4941** » Wed Sep 21, 2005 12:38 pm

I love my wife and would not want to return to singleness for anything.

That said she gets upset to easily. I put some paparika(sp) on a tuna caserol she had made for me. She was out of the room and I was not fast enough getting the paparika on it so I got busted.

I reminded her that she changed my patoe(sp?) recipie by putting garlic salt in it.

Lotto

Got the wife mad with some papaparika(sp?)

MagicZ4941A

911 · Post by **911** » Wed Sep 21, 2005 1:03 pm

When I read this post I thought it was some kind of spam. I kept reading and waiting for the 1-800 number to call for family counseling or something. I didn't think men really felt that way anymore. Sheesh! Not real men anyway.

Flop was right, get a dog. When you tire of him you can put him in the back yard and when you want some loving you can bring him in, put peanut butter on your "special" places and jack your crank.

You need to learn how to love before anyone can love you back. :-5

CountryDweller · Post by **CountryDweller** » Wed Sep 21, 2005 4:48 pm

Derryck hon, you need to get your nose out of books and start experiencing life! Sounds like the articles you read came from the most unhappy group of people on earth. If you have the mindset to believe all that garbage, then I feel sorry for your relationship.

I've been married to a wonderful guy for 35 years. Our life so far together has been great. Only time there were any conflicts was when we had meddling relatives on both sides during the earlier years of the marraige. But we always stood "united" on any issues which is rare for couples to do. We work together, go home together, we hunt together, we are together all the time and are very happy. How special he makes me feel when he does something spontaneous, which is quite often. (He goes to pick up our lunch and he brings me flowers for my office. Or he'll surprise me with diamond earrings because he's proud of the way I handle our business.) The job list at home isn't a required deal...who 'has' to do this or that. If it needs done we both jump in and do it. Marraige is romance, surprises, affection, flirting with one another.

I beg to differ on the point you made about taking on the others views, etc. We are both unique individuals and think quite differently. We are in as much love today as day one. Sex is probably better now because the kids are out on their own and we have the whole house to ourselves to do it wherever.

But marraige just isn't about sex. It's a combination of everything. He's my soulmate for life.

My friends say that IF anything would happen to my husband that they are sure I'd marry again because I'm young. Nope, I tell them...because this was the man that God blessed me to be with for the rest of my life.

I love marraige to my guy. Don't think anyone could measure up to him.

Nomad · Post by **Nomad** » Wed Sep 21, 2005 5:40 pm

lady cop wrote: the entire premise of this initial post seems to be sexual satisfaction of a male. a lack thereof leading to 'fret and drink' et al. i do think many more factors are at work. this was actually a rather cynical and one-sided bitter post. combined with cliches like the woman is 'too tired and occupied with kids'. all i can say is women love sex as much as men, perhaps lothario is lacking??

THIS IS AN OUTRAGE !

I DEMAND RETRIBUTIVE RETALIATION FOR THESE IRRESPONSIBLE REMARKS AT ONCE !

lady cop · Post by **lady cop** » Wed Sep 21, 2005 5:51 pm

Nomad wrote: THIS IS AN OUTRAGE !

I DEMAND RETRIBUTIVE RETALIATION FOR THESE IRRESPONSIBLE REMARKS AT ONCE !sore sensitive subject there Nomad? :yh_bigsmi :p

Nomad · Post by **Nomad** » Wed Sep 21, 2005 6:19 pm

Dont you turn this into a Nonad thing !