beowulf's very own jokes...thread

[beowulf]

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[beowulf]

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.

'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'

'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'

'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good.. Did you know babies are my specialty?'

'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat !.

After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'

'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun.. You can really spread out there.'

'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'

'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'

'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.

'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'

'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.

'Oh, my God!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.'

'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.

'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look'

'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh....equipment?'

'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.'

'Tripod?'

'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long..'

Mrs. Smith fainted

[beowulf]

An old country farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From morning till night she was always complaining about something.The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule. He tried to plow a lot.

One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch. Immediately, his wife began nagging him again. Complain, nag, complain, nag - it just went on and on. All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet, caught her smack in the back of the head.

Killed her dead on the spot.

At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement.

This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it. So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men.

The old farmer said, 'Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my head in agreement.'

'And what about the men?' the minister asked. 'They wanted to know if the mule was for sale.'

[beowulf]

Indian Chief 'Two Eagles' was asked by a white government official, "You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his technological advances. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done."

The Chief nodded in agreement.

The official continued, "Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?"

The Chief stared at the government official for over a minute and then calmly replied. "When white man find land, Indians running it, no taxes, no debt, plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, clean water. Women did all the work, Medicine man free. Indian man spend all day hunting and fishing; all night having sex."

Then the chief leaned back and smiled. "Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that."

__________________

[beowulf]

.................., in the middle of nowhere, the following people are stranded:

2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman

2 French men and 1 French woman

2 German men and 1 German woman

2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman

2 English men and 1 English woman

2 Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarian woman

2 Japanese men and 1 Japanese woman

2 American men and 1 American woman

2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman

One month later, the situation is as follows:

One Italian man has killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.

The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in a menage a trios.

The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of when they alternate with the German woman.

The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are waiting for instructions.

The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.

The Bulgarian men, after taking one look at the Bulgarian woman, have started swimming.

The two English men are still waiting for someone to come by and formally introduce them to the English woman.

The Irish men began by dividing the island into North and South. They then quickly set up a high-volume distillery. Because they get sort of foggy after the first few liters of coconut whiskey -- causing their manhood to become quite limp -- sex never becomes a fighting issue... Anyway, they are quite satisfied knowing that at least the English men are not getting any.

The American woman keeps on bitching about her body being her own temple; the true nature of modern feminism; how she can do everything that they can do; about the necessity for her personal fulfilment; the equal division of all household chores; how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her much nicer; and how her relationship with her mother is improving. The two American men are contemplating suicide.

[beowulf]

A couple lived near the ocean and used to walk the beach a lot. One summer they noticed a girl who was at the beach almost every day. She wasn't unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing; she would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around and then speak to them.

Generally, the people would respond negatively and she would wander off. But occasionally someone would nod and there would be a quick exchange of money and something that she carried in her bag.

The couple assumed that she was selling drugs and debated calling the cops, but since they didn't know for sure, they decided to just continue watching her.

After a couple of weeks the wife said, 'Honey, have you ever noticed that she only goes up to people with boom boxes and other electronic devices?' He hadn't and said so.

Then she said, 'Tomorrow I want you to get a towel and our big radio and go lie out on the beach. Then we can find out what she's really doing.'

Well, the plan went off without a hitch and the wife was almost hopping up and down with anticipation when she saw the girl talk to her husband and then leave.. The man then walked up the beach and met his wife at the road.

'Well, is she selling drugs?' she asked excitedly. 'No, she's not,' he said, enjoying this probably more than he should have.

'Well, what is it then? What does she do ?' his wife fairly shrieked.

The man grinned and said, 'She's a battery salesperson.'

'Batteries?' cried the wife.

'Yes!' he replied.



PLEASE SCROLL DOWN

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OOOOH! You're gonna dislike me for this -

but it will make your day!

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'She Sells C Cells by the Seashore!'

[beowulf]

When Albert Einstein was making the rounds of the speaker's circuit, he usually found himself eagerly longing to get back to his laboratory work. One night as they were driving to yet another dinner, Einstein mentioned to his chauffeur (a man who somewhat resembled Einstein in looks & manner) that he was tired of speechmaking.

"I have an idea, boss," his chauffeur said. "I've heard you give this speech so many times, I'll bet I could give it for you."

Einstein laughed loudly and said, "Why not? Let's do it!"

When they arrived at the dinner, Einstein donned the chauffeur's cap and jacket and sat in the back of the room. The chauffeur gave a beautiful rendition of Einstein's speech and even answered a few questions expertly.

Then a supremely pompous professor asked an extremely esoteric question about antimatter formation, digressing here and there to let everyone in the audience know that he was nobody's fool.

Without missing a beat, the chauffeur fixed the professor with a steely stare and said, "Sir, the answer to that question is so simple that I will let my chauffeur, who is sitting in the back, answer it for me."

[hoppy]

:yh_rotfl:yh_rotfl

[hoppy]

beowulf;1295923 wrote: .................., in the middle of nowhere, the following people are stranded:

2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman

2 French men and 1 French woman

2 German men and 1 German woman

2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman

2 English men and 1 English woman

2 Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarian woman

2 Japanese men and 1 Japanese woman

2 American men and 1 American woman

2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman

One month later, the situation is as follows:

One Italian man has killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.

The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in a menage a trios.

The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of when they alternate with the German woman.

The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are waiting for instructions.

The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.

The Bulgarian men, after taking one look at the Bulgarian woman, have started swimming.

The two English men are still waiting for someone to come by and formally introduce them to the English woman.

The Irish men began by dividing the island into North and South. They then quickly set up a high-volume distillery. Because they get sort of foggy after the first few liters of coconut whiskey -- causing their manhood to become quite limp -- sex never becomes a fighting issue... Anyway, they are quite satisfied knowing that at least the English men are not getting any.

The American woman keeps on bitching about her body being her own temple; the true nature of modern feminism; how she can do everything that they can do; about the necessity for her personal fulfilment; the equal division of all household chores; how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her much nicer; and how her relationship with her mother is improving. The two American men are contemplating suicide.


Hilarious.:yh_rotfl

[G#Gill]

:yh_rotfl:yh_rotfl:yh_rotfl

[mikeinie]

:wah::rolleyes:

[beowulf]

What's the difference between Gordon Brown's government and the Mafia?

One of them is organized.

[beowulf]

After getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into the limo, and

He doesn't travel light, the driver notices that the Pope is still

standing on the curb.

'Excuse me, Your Holiness,' says the driver,

'Would you please take your seat so we can leave?'

'Well, to tell you the truth,' says the Pope, 'they never let me drive

at the Vatican , and I'd really like to drive today.'

'I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job!

And what if something should happen?' protests the driver, wishing he'd

never gone to work that morning.

'There might be something extra in it for you,' says the Pope.

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind

the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting

the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.

'Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!' pleads the worried driver, but the

Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens. 'Oh, dear God,

I'm gonna lose my license,' moans the driver.

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but

the cop takes one look at him, goes Back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.

'I need to talk to the Chief,' he says to the dispatcher.

The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a

limo going a hundred and five.

'So bust him,' says the Chief.

'I don't think we want to do that - he's really important,' said the cop.

The Chief exclaimed, 'All the more reason!'

'No, I mean really important,' said the cop.

The Chief then asked, 'Who have you got there, the Mayor?'

Cop: 'Bigger.'

Chief: 'Governor?'

Cop: 'Bigger.'

'Well,' said the Chief, 'Who is it?'

Cop: 'I think it's God!'

Chief: 'What makes you think it's God?'

>>

>>

Cop: 'He's got the bleedin' Pope as a chauffeur

[beowulf]

It's been a week now since my car accident in the snow - I saw the skid marks last night, a constant reminder of how I nearly died. I really must change this underwear..............

[beowulf]

The only cow in a small town in Scotland stopped giving

milk.

The town folk found they could buy a cow in Wales quite

cheaply.

They brought the cow from Wales and it was wonderful,

produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy.

They bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows, so

they'd never have to worry about their milk supply again.

They put the bull in the pasture with the cow but whenever

the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away.

No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move

away from the bull and he was never able to do the deed..

The people were very upset and decided to go the Vet, who

was very wise, tell him what was happening and ask his

advice.

"Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away.

If he approaches from the back, she moves forward, they said,

When he approaches her from the front, she backs off.

If he attempts from the one side, she walks away to the

other side.

"The Vet rubbed his chin thoughtfully and pondered this

before asking,

"Did you by chance, buy this cow in Wales ?"

The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned

that they had brought the cow over from Wales .

"You are truly a wise Vet," they said.

"How did you know we got the cow from Wales ?

"The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye,

"My wife is from Wales "

[beowulf]

Brown is my shepherd, I shall not work

He leadeth me beside still factories

He restoreth my faith in the conservative party

He guideth me to the path of unemployment yea,

Though I wait for my dole I own the bank that refuses me

Brown has anointed my income with taxes my expenses runneth over my income

Surely, poverty and hard living will follow me all the days of his term

From hence forth we will live all the days of our lives in a rented home with an overseas landlord

I am glad I am British

I am glad that I am free

But I wish I was a dog and Brown was a tree¦.

[beowulf]

A Irishman goes into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church.



There's a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates.



Then the priest comes in. "Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be."

The priest replies: "Get out. You're on my side.

[beowulf]

Once upon a time, a guy asked a beautiful girl 'Will you marry me?'

The girl said, 'NO !'

And the guy lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and went

fishing and hunting and played golf a lot and drank beer and scotch

and had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up and

farted whenever he wanted.

The end

[hoppy]

beowulf;1296103 wrote: A Irishman goes into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church.



There's a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates.



Then the priest comes in. "Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be."

The priest replies: "Get out. You're on my side.


That's about right.:yh_rotfl

[beowulf]

The Pope and Gordon Brown are on the same stage in front of a huge crowd at the FA Cup Final.

The Pope leaned towards Mr. Brown and said, "Do you know that with one little movement of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy?

This joy will not be a momentary display, like those believers in a football match, but go deep into their hearts and they'll forever speak of this day and rejoice!"

Brown replied, "I seriously doubt that. With one little wave of your hand? Show me"

So the Pope backhanded the Jock.

[beowulf]

Two nuns, Sister Catherine and Sister Helen, are travelling through Europe in their car..

They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light. Suddenly, out of nowhere,

a tiny little Dracula jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses through the

windscreen.

'Quick,shouts Sister Catherine. 'What shall we do?'

'Turn the windscreen wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination,' says Sister

Helen.

Sister Catherine switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he

clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.....

'What shall I do now?' she shouts.

'Switch on the windscreen washer. I filled it up with Holy Water at

the Vatican ,' says Sister Helen.

Sister Catherine turns on the windscreen washer. Dracula screams as

the water burns his skin, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.

'Now what?' shouts Sister Catherine.

'Show him your cross,' says Sister Helen.

'Now you're talking,' says Sister Catherine.

She opens the window and shouts, 'Get the f**k off the car!!!'

[beowulf]

Royal Mail Recall

Royal Mail created a stamp with a picture of the Prime Minister of Great Britain Gordon Brown

The stamp was not sticking to envelopes.

This enraged the Prime Minister, who demanded a full investigation.

After a month of testing and spending of £2.1million, a special commission presented the following findings:

1. The stamp is in perfect order

2. There is nothing wrong with the adhesive.

3. The Public are spitting on the wrong side of the stamp

[hoppy]

beowulf;1296098 wrote: The only cow in a small town in Scotland stopped giving

milk.

The town folk found they could buy a cow in Wales quite

cheaply.

They brought the cow from Wales and it was wonderful,

produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy.

They bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows, so

they'd never have to worry about their milk supply again.

They put the bull in the pasture with the cow but whenever

the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away.

No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move

away from the bull and he was never able to do the deed..

The people were very upset and decided to go the Vet, who

was very wise, tell him what was happening and ask his

advice.

"Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away.

If he approaches from the back, she moves forward, they said,

When he approaches her from the front, she backs off.

If he attempts from the one side, she walks away to the

other side.

"The Vet rubbed his chin thoughtfully and pondered this

before asking,

"Did you by chance, buy this cow in Wales ?"

The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned

that they had brought the cow over from Wales .

"You are truly a wise Vet," they said.

"How did you know we got the cow from Wales ?

"The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye,

"My wife is from Wales "


My wife was too.:yh_rotfl

[hoppy]

:yh_rotfl:yh_rotfl:yh_rotfl:yh_rotfl

[Bruv]

That is a very large jokebook you have.

[beowulf]

im only on page 2

[hoppy]

:wah:

[hoppy]

:yh_rotfl

[hoppy]

:yh_rotfl

[hoppy]

Love it.:yh_rotfl

[hoppy]

Obumer's doing that to us too.:yh_rotfl

[hoppy]

:yh_rotfl

[hoppy]

:yh_rotfl