Advice for an alcoholic friend

PurpleChicken · Post by **PurpleChicken** » Tue Sep 13, 2005 5:30 am

Does anyone have any advice on how to help an alcoholic friend??

A friend of mine is an alcoholic. He drinks on a daily basis, and cannot just drink to enjoy it. He's had a number of jobs, but says he doesn't know what he wants to do with his life. On many occasions his best friends have all spoken to him about trying to get his life back in order. he has finally started his own business (yay), but still continues to drink heavily. We are all worried about what it is doing to him. He is embarrasing, and very difficult to talk to when he is drunk. It gets to the point where you almost don't want to invite him anywhere.

They guys that he hangs out with (they were all school friends) all enjoy their beer, and will go out most weekends and get fairly drunk. I also worry about them, but I think they at least know when to stop. I'm sure this doesn't help, because he always feels as if he has to keep up with the boys, it's just that he just keeps going and doesn't stop.

Many of his friends have spoken to him on numerous occassions, but all to no avail. I saw BR's thread and was hoping that some of you might be able to provide some perspective on what might get him to realise his problem and go get some help??

orangesox1 · Post by **orangesox1** » Tue Sep 13, 2005 5:49 am

Hi PC

Thats a tough? I don't really know how to get someone to recognise that they have a problem as you can't help an alcoholic untill he/she sees that there is a problem.

I had a book here on alcohol abuse but I lent it to a friend, I did a unit at Uni last year on drugs and abuse, I obviously don't remember much from it. I might try to find some info from last year for you tomorrow.

PurpleChicken · Post by **PurpleChicken** » Tue Sep 13, 2005 5:56 am

Thanks OS. Much appreciated.

Like anything, once you can see the problem, you are able to address it. His problem is that he just can't see it, and he gets very defensive when it is raised with him. I think we need to try a slightly different tack to somehow make him see....

actionfigurestepho · Post by **actionfigurestepho** » Tue Sep 13, 2005 7:18 am

Videotape him and make him watch. The problem with drinking is that your memory is quite often impaired. Maybe he'll see what he's doing and realize he needs a change.

actionfigurestepho · Post by **actionfigurestepho** » Tue Sep 13, 2005 8:16 am

I didn't mean take him out to drink. If he's an alcoholic he'd probably be drunk at home just as often. Or if you know he's going out...be there, camera in hand.

Lon · Post by **Lon** » Tue Sep 13, 2005 8:33 am

Are You an Alcoholic? To answer this question, ask yourself the following questions and answer them as honestly as you can.

You do not ever have to show this to anyone, nor should you!
1. Do you lose time from work due to your drinking?

2. Is drinking making your home life unhappy?

3. Do you drink because you are shy with other people?

4. Is drinking affecting your reputation?

5. Have you ever felt remorse after drinking?

6. Have you gotten into financial difficulties as a result of your drinking?

7. Do you turn to lower companions and an inferior environment when drinking?

8. Does your drinking make you careless of your family's welfare?

9. Has your ambition decreased since drinking?

10. Do you crave a drink at a definite time daily?

11. Do you want a drink the next morning?

12. Does drinking cause you to have difficulty in sleeping?

13. Has your efficiency decreased since drinking?

14. Is drinking jeopardizing your job or business?

15. Do you drink to escape from worries or troubles?

16. Do you drink alone?

17. Have you ever had a complete loss of memory as a result of your drinking?

18. Has your physician ever treated you for drinking?

19. Do you drink to build up your self-confidence?

20. Have you ever been in a hospital or institution on account of drinking?

If you have answered YES to any one of the questions, there is a definite warning that you may be an alcoholic.

If you have answered YES to any two, the chances are that you are an alcoholic.

If you have answered YES to three or more, you are definitely an alcoholic.

(The above test questions were used by Johns Hopkins University Hospital, Baltimore, Md., in deciding whether or not a patient is alcoholic.)

BabyRider · Post by **BabyRider** » Tue Sep 13, 2005 10:18 am

Which thread of mine did you see, PC? I've actually had a couple on this subject, I think.

I really like Lon's list of questions, and I answered them for myself as if I were still drinking. I answered yes to WAY more than 3 of them.

Drinking is a tricky problem, and I will never say that I have all the answers. What I do know is that the first step in quitting, is admitting there's a problem. If a person can't admit there's a problem, there is nowhere to go. Some have to hit rock bottom to seek help, and rock bottom is different for every person. Has your friend ever had a DUI, or any other similar run-in with the cops because of drinking? Sometimes that's all it takes, but usually not, for one who's in too deep.

Bullet has a friend who took a path that led him to cocaine. He and this buddy were best of friends, very close. When the friends father passed away, he went into a nose dive and became very self-destructive and started doing blow like it was candy. Bullet tried to help him, but the buddy was intent on his path. Not wanting to be around that garbage, Bullet told him, "Sorry, but I can't be around when you're doing this." And basically cut him out. It killed him to not be there for his friend, but if this guy was going down, Bullet was determined not to be dragged down with him.

Sometimes, when an adult makes decisions like this, the only thing to do is step back, remove yourself. If you were to go to your friend and say, "I can't continue to be around and hang out with you if you keep drinking," what would happen?

Regardless, that first step, admitting it's a problem is vital. If a person doesn't recognize the problem, why should they stop? A drunk can come up with 200 excuses at the drop of a hat why they don't need to quit. Until they run out of reasons, there's not a lot that you can do. I know that sucks, but it's the facts.

There's things you can do to help him in his realization, though. An intervention, from his closest friends, for example. Get a few of his good friends together, invite him over, and sit him down and say, "We see you doing this to yourself, and it's got to stop." Sometimes it works, gives them a wake-up call, makes them see they are acting like an idiot and you all can't abide it.

All drunks are different. If you want to help your friend, you have to find out what it is that will get to him. HOWEVER, this is NOT your responsibility. This is a long, hard and very lonely road for him, if he is to recover. And he's got to want to do it for himself, and no one else.

Nomad · Post by **Nomad** » Tue Sep 13, 2005 6:10 pm

Bottom line ?

You can let them know you care.

The End

3 yrs sober in March

PurpleChicken · Post by **PurpleChicken** » Tue Sep 13, 2005 7:16 pm

Thanks everyone for your advice.

BR - It was your thread on alcohism that I was referring to. Had a good read and thought that a few of the brave souls who have shared their stories on FG might be able to provide that insight.

Lon - those questions are a good guide. I'm not my friend, but I would suspect that he would answer yes to heaps more than 3 of them.

A complication with the issue is that he a friend by virtue of another friend (a friend's friend if you like) who we are very close to (we are still friends with, but less close to the alcoholic friend). Our close friend is the one that seems to be hurt the most by this other guy. He is constantly trying to tell him and actually help him (including financially) to get on his feet. Sadly, it only ever tends to bring about short term fixes.

I am at the point myself where I think it is going to take something really serious (a DUI charge, or some of his best friends walking out) to bring this to a head. I wish it didn't have to come to that though. Maybe we have to sit down with him as a group and have an intervention session. Everyone's efforts so far have been either on-on-one conversations, or a small group chat at an opportune moment. Perhaps we need to step this up to the next level.

Thanks again for all your comments and suggestions.....

nvalleyvee · Post by **nvalleyvee** » Tue Sep 13, 2005 7:26 pm

Hey Purple - did you get my PM on addiction. I know several people at the garden who thought it appropriate. It is really geared to the addicted person.

BabyRider · Post by **BabyRider** » Tue Sep 13, 2005 7:40 pm

nvalleyvee wrote: Hey Purple - did you get my PM on addiction. I know several people at the garden who thought it appropriate. It is really geared to the addicted person.
NV, was that the same one you sent me? I totally loved that article. "Appropriate" is for damn sure.

nvalleyvee · Post by **nvalleyvee** » Tue Sep 13, 2005 7:44 pm

BabyRider wrote: NV, was that the same one you sent me? I totally loved that article. "Appropriate" is for damn sure.

YES - I have it saved because I need to re-read it from stressful time to party time....:-6

PurpleChicken · Post by **PurpleChicken** » Tue Sep 13, 2005 9:11 pm

nvalleyvee wrote: Hey Purple - did you get my PM on addiction. I know several people at the garden who thought it appropriate. It is really geared to the addicted person.

Actually I didn't. Checked my profile and I hadn't actaully enabled PM. Have now turned it on - could you pls resend. Ta

BabyRider · Post by **BabyRider** » Tue Sep 13, 2005 9:22 pm

PurpleChicken wrote: Actually I didn't. Checked my profile and I hadn't actaully enabled PM. Have now turned it on - could you pls resend. Ta
When you do get it, print it out and give it to your friend. It really hit a nerve with me, and I've been sober since January!! It really is a fantastic read.

nvalleyvee · Post by **nvalleyvee** » Tue Sep 13, 2005 9:41 pm

PurpleChicken wrote: Actually I didn't. Checked my profile and I hadn't actaully enabled PM. Have now turned it on - could you pls resend. Ta
OK -be glad to do it -- it's good for addicts and their friends

jpcme · Post by **jpcme** » Thu Sep 15, 2005 10:05 am

3. Do you drink because you are shy with other people?

5. Have you ever felt remorse after drinking?

12. Does drinking cause you to have difficulty in sleeping?

15. Do you drink to escape from worries or troubles?

16. Do you drink alone?

17. Have you ever had a complete loss of memory as a result of your drinking?

19. Do you drink to build up your self-confidence?

I answered yes to the above.

If you have answered YES to three or more, you are definitely an alcoholic.

I average about 2 pints of beer a week and very rarely have more than 6 pints in any particular day. But I'm an alcoholic?

(The above test questions were used by Johns Hopkins University Hospital, Baltimore, Md., in deciding whether or not a patient is alcoholic.)

If I am ever ill I never went to end up there.

BabyRider · Post by **BabyRider** » Thu Sep 15, 2005 10:07 am

jpcme wrote: I average about 2 pints of beer a week and very rarely have more than 6 pints in any particular day. But I'm an alcoholic?

Alcoholism has absoutely nothing to do with the amount of booze you drink.

Lon · Post by **Lon** » Thu Sep 15, 2005 10:29 am

jpcme wrote: 3. Do you drink because you are shy with other people?

5. Have you ever felt remorse after drinking?

12. Does drinking cause you to have difficulty in sleeping?

15. Do you drink to escape from worries or troubles?

16. Do you drink alone?

17. Have you ever had a complete loss of memory as a result of your drinking?

19. Do you drink to build up your self-confidence?

I answered yes to the above.

If you have answered YES to three or more, you are definitely an alcoholic.

I average about 2 pints of beer a week and very rarely have more than 6 pints in any particular day. But I'm an alcoholic?

(The above test questions were used by Johns Hopkins University Hospital, Baltimore, Md., in deciding whether or not a patient is alcoholic.)
If I am ever ill I never went to end up there.

It's not the quanity of alcohol. Some people just have a low tolerance for it and are affected my what others deem to be modest drinking. I have had a number of friends over the years that were affected adversely by just two beers. By adversely, I mean they went nuts.