Well they made me laugh!

Imladris · Post by **Imladris** » Wed Jan 06, 2010 6:59 am

If Tommy Cooper were alive today

Imladris · Post by **Imladris** » Wed Jan 06, 2010 6:59 am

I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought, 'That's Aboriginal.'

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This lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster.

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I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said 'Tenpin?' I said, 'No, permanent.'

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I went in to a pet shop. I said, 'Can I buy a goldfish?' The guy said, 'Do you want an aquarium?' I said, 'I don't care what star sign it is.'

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I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet. 'Best before End'

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I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said 'Analogue.' I said 'No, just a watch.'

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I went into a shop and I said, 'Can someone sell me a kettle.' The bloke said 'Kenwood' I said, 'Where is he then?'

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My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bi-satchel.

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I went to the doctor. I said to him 'I'm frightened of lapels.' He said, 'You've got cholera.'

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I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, its P something T something R.

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I was reading this book today, The History of Glue. I couldn't put it down.

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I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered just went on and on.

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The recruitment consultant asked me 'What do you think of voluntary work? I said 'I wouldn't do it if you paid me.'

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I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said, 'You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana.' He said, 'No, this is for the custard.'

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This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, 'I want you to trace someone for me..'

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I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, 'Are you having me on?' I said, 'Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything.'

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I phoned the local builders today, I said to them 'Can I have a skip outside my house?' He said, 'I'm not stopping you!'

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This cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says 'Audi!'

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I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, 'Nearest the bull goes first' He went 'Baah' and I went 'Moo' He said 'You're closest'

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I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I'd been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again to say I 'd been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He then made me managing director and I went right off into a tree. The police came and asked me what had happened. I said 'I careered off the road'

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I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny: you couldn't swing a cat in there.

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I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of a couple of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on two counts.

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I bought a train ticket to France and the ticket seller said 'Eurostar' I said 'Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.

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I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, 'How flexible are you?' I said, 'I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays.'

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I went to the local video shop and I said, 'Can I borrow Batman Forever?' He said, 'No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow'

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A waiter asks a man, 'May I take your order, sir?' 'Yes,' the man replies. 'I'm just wondering, exactly how do you prepare your chickens?' 'Nothing special, sir. We just tell them straight out that they're going to die.'

Clodhopper · Post by **Clodhopper** » Wed Jan 06, 2010 7:29 am

:yh_rotfl:yh_rotfl:yh_rotfl

Me too. Truly dreadful.

You're a very sick woman, Immy. :wah:

(Hope you're not too sore after your fall in the snow?)

Imladris · Post by **Imladris** » Wed Jan 06, 2010 8:15 am

Clodhopper;1279591 wrote: :yh_rotfl:yh_rotfl:yh_rotfl

Me too. Truly dreadful.

You're a very sick woman, Immy. :wah:

(Hope you're not too sore after your fall in the snow?)

I ache like a very achey thing (can't think of an appropriate similie!!):rolleyes:

G#Gill · Post by **G#Gill** » Wed Jan 06, 2010 8:19 am

Imladris;1279620 wrote: I ache like a very achey thing (can't think of an appropriate similie!!):rolleyes:

Very stiff gate ??

Sorry Immy, shouldn't extract the whatsits. Hope you soon feel better ! :-6

Poor Kaz broke her ankle slipping on the ice while walking her dog yesterday. It's disgusting that the authorities don't even consider gritting pavements, except on the Isle of Skye where my sister lives. She tells me they have special pavement gritters there, and more often than not the pavements are much safer than the roads, as regards snowy conditions!

Imladris · Post by **Imladris** » Wed Jan 06, 2010 8:48 am

G#Gill;1279621 wrote: Very stiff gate ??

Sorry Immy, shouldn't extract the whatsits. Hope you soon feel better ! :-6

Poor Kaz broke her ankle slipping on the ice while walking her dog yesterday. It's disgusting that the authorities don't even consider gritting pavements, except on the Isle of Skye where my sister lives. She tells me they have special pavement gritters there, and more often than not the pavements are much safer than the roads, as regards snowy conditions!

Poor kaz!!! I'm not that bad, bruised and battered nothing broken, stiff gate is a good similie - very apt!

Clodhopper · Post by **Clodhopper** » Wed Jan 06, 2010 4:17 pm

Oh, poor Kaz.

Glad you are no worse than creaky, Immy. Perhaps you should get someone to oil you?

Snowfire · Post by **Snowfire** » Wed Jan 06, 2010 4:23 pm

Some of them made me cry.

I've gotta write these down. Just wonderful

dubs · Post by **dubs** » Wed Jan 06, 2010 4:41 pm

Haha! Excellent.....

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way, so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness..

Light travels faster than sound, that's why some people appear bright, till you hear them speak..

Going to church doesn't make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car..

Having sex is like playing bridge, if you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand..

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad..

Imladris · Post by **Imladris** » Thu Jan 07, 2010 2:40 am

dubs;1279816 wrote: Haha! Excellent.....

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way, so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness..

Light travels faster than sound, that's why some people appear bright, till you hear them speak..

Going to church doesn't make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car..

Having sex is like playing bridge, if you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand..

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad..

:wah::wah: very good!

farmer giles · Post by **farmer giles** » Thu Jan 07, 2010 3:12 am

fantastic immy :yh_rotfl:yh_rotfl:yh_rotfl

laughed my head off

ha ha plonk x x

happy new year sorry to hear you had a fall

sorry i never had it on video that is :yh_rotfl:yh_rotfl:-4:-4

Imladris · Post by **Imladris** » Thu Jan 07, 2010 5:11 am

farmer giles;1279885 wrote: fantastic immy :yh_rotfl:yh_rotfl:yh_rotfl

laughed my head off

ha ha plonk x x

happy new year sorry to hear you had a fall

sorry i never had it on video that is :yh_rotfl:yh_rotfl:-4:-4

Me too - that's £250 missed out on :rolleyes: