GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:
1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
9) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.
GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:
1) Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.
GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD
1) Growing up is mandatory; growing old is optional.
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.
THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:
1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.
SUCCESS:
At age 4 success is . . not peeing in your pants.
At age 12 success is . having friends.
At age 16 success is . . . having a drivers license.
At age 35 success is . having money.
At age 50 success is . . . having money.
At age 70 success is . . . having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is . having friends.
At age 80 success is . not peeing in your pants.
A little humor
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nvalleyvee
- Posts: 5191
- Joined: Thu Apr 21, 2005 8:57 am
A little humor
The growth of knowledge depends entirely on disagreement..........Karl R. Popper
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Betty Boop
- Posts: 16988
- Joined: Sun Mar 27, 2005 1:17 pm
- Location: The end of the World
A little humor
...:wah: :wah:
A little humor
:wah: wow thats a good list. think l'll have to save it for future refrence!
take a bite out of life it's there to be tasted!!
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LottomagicZ4941
- Posts: 752
- Joined: Wed Oct 06, 2004 12:00 pm
A little humor
One day, God created the dog and said:
"Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."
The dog said:
"That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"
So God agreed.
On the next day, God created the monkey and said:
"Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."
The monkey said:
"Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?"
And God agreed.
On the next day, God created the cow and said:
"You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."
The cow said:
"That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"
God agreed again.
Then on the next day, God created man and said:
"Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."
But man said:
"Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"
"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."
So that is why the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. The last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
Life has now been explained to you.
found on
http://ae-noticeboard.info/viewtopic.php?t=915
Lotto
"having fun"
MagicZ4941A
"Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."
The dog said:
"That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"
So God agreed.
On the next day, God created the monkey and said:
"Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."
The monkey said:
"Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?"
And God agreed.
On the next day, God created the cow and said:
"You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."
The cow said:
"That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"
God agreed again.
Then on the next day, God created man and said:
"Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."
But man said:
"Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"
"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."
So that is why the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. The last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
Life has now been explained to you.
found on
http://ae-noticeboard.info/viewtopic.php?t=915
Lotto
"having fun"
MagicZ4941A
A little humor
Truckers
While driving along the back roads of a small town, two Arkansas truckers came to an overpass with a sign that read CLEARANCE 11'3". They got out and measured their rig, which was 12'4".
"What do you think?" one asked the other.
The driver looked around carefully, then shifted into first.
"Not a cop in sight. Let's take a chance!"
While driving along the back roads of a small town, two Arkansas truckers came to an overpass with a sign that read CLEARANCE 11'3". They got out and measured their rig, which was 12'4".
"What do you think?" one asked the other.
The driver looked around carefully, then shifted into first.
"Not a cop in sight. Let's take a chance!"
A smile is a window on your face to show your heart is home
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CountryDweller
- Posts: 1022
- Joined: Sat Aug 27, 2005 5:50 pm
A little humor
Redneck Humor-Not exactly like the Red Cross teaches it!
Two rednecks walk into a bar. While having a shot of whiskey, they talk about their moonshine operation.
Suddenly a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. And after a minute or so it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.
One of the rednecks looks at her and says, "Kin ya swallar?"
The woman shakes her head no.
The he asks, "Kin ya breathe?"
The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.
The redneck walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.
The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the redneck walks slowly back to the bar.
His partner says, "Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!"
Two rednecks walk into a bar. While having a shot of whiskey, they talk about their moonshine operation.
Suddenly a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. And after a minute or so it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.
One of the rednecks looks at her and says, "Kin ya swallar?"
The woman shakes her head no.
The he asks, "Kin ya breathe?"
The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.
The redneck walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.
The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the redneck walks slowly back to the bar.
His partner says, "Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!"
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Betty Boop
- Posts: 16988
- Joined: Sun Mar 27, 2005 1:17 pm
- Location: The end of the World
A little humor
CountryDweller wrote: Redneck Humor-Not exactly like the Red Cross teaches it!
Two rednecks walk into a bar. While having a shot of whiskey, they talk about their moonshine operation.
Suddenly a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. And after a minute or so it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.
One of the rednecks looks at her and says, "Kin ya swallar?"
The woman shakes her head no.
The he asks, "Kin ya breathe?"
The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.
The redneck walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.
The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the redneck walks slowly back to the bar.
His partner says, "Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!"
...:yh_rotfl :yh_rotfl :yh_rotfl Brilliant
Two rednecks walk into a bar. While having a shot of whiskey, they talk about their moonshine operation.
Suddenly a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. And after a minute or so it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.
One of the rednecks looks at her and says, "Kin ya swallar?"
The woman shakes her head no.
The he asks, "Kin ya breathe?"
The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.
The redneck walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.
The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the redneck walks slowly back to the bar.
His partner says, "Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!"
...:yh_rotfl :yh_rotfl :yh_rotfl Brilliant
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nvalleyvee
- Posts: 5191
- Joined: Thu Apr 21, 2005 8:57 am
A little humor
Betty Boop wrote: ...:yh_rotfl :yh_rotfl :yh_rotfl Brilliant
Agreed and I'm sending it to friends,
Agreed and I'm sending it to friends,
The growth of knowledge depends entirely on disagreement..........Karl R. Popper