what would you do? advice + opinion MUCH needed..

chiquita · Post by **chiquita** » Mon Sep 05, 2005 12:44 am

i'm currently in a long distance relationship with my boyfriend, and everything was going OK, until 4 days ago.. and here's why:

he went to his friend's bday, and there was a female stripper..[yeah someone got that for him as a bday present] ~ and when he had told me that over the phone after the birthday party was over, i felt OK about it.. until he told me that the stripper had performed this "game" with certain people and he was involved with it....so i curiously asked him what that was all about~

he had explained to me that the whole game was about putting a piece of candy on his nose, then the stripper would get it with her *******..afterwards, he had to get that candy out of her with his mouth! i suddendly flipped out right after he told me.. the first thought i had in my mind was..why is my man putting his mouth in somebody else's private part? it kind of felt like he had cheated on me somehow.. then he has the nerve to tell me that i was flipping out for no apparent reason because "everybody" did it... then, he said that his in-law did it also while his sister was there, and she was OK with it.. and so it was for the birthday man's fiancee [both were fine by it]..

i tried to explain to him that their point of views were different from mines..not everyone think alike~ somehow he keeps on bring the "trust" factor.. he kept on saying that i didn't trust him at all and that's why i was flipping out.. besides that it was just "entertainment" and nothing serious. i see his point of view, but he couldn't quite understand as to why i was mad.. i'm mad because i'm his girlfriend, i felt that i was disrespected, and just the thought of another person's ****** on his face wasn't imaginable nor bearable at all! i asked him how he felt if it was done the other way around, and his answer to that was.."she's a professional stripper, not like it was with any other girl nor i was the only one she performed that to".....

we didn't talk for about 3 days...i called him the after that happened and he didn't return my call...called the day after and he said he didn't wanna talk about it...so i left it alone and told myself that he'll call when he's ready to talk [as hard as it may sound]..and i finally got to talk to him about it in a calm manner.. he had told me that he was truly dissapointed that i was mad over something like that, and that during those days..questions about us came up through his mind.. such as: is there trust built within us? what's about us that keeps us together? is there such chemistry in between us? he was hurt by the fact that he was being honest and truthful to me, yet i had taken things overboard by flipping out on him.. i actually apologized to him because i "misunderstood" what he had said. i should've put into more consideration that he was honest with me about it, and i did. but all i kept on thinking of..was that picture of a woman's private on his face! as hard headed as he is, he didn't get it..so i gave up my explanations by apologizing and wanting to forget about this topic and just move on.

afterwards, he had told me that sometimes he wonders if he should really be with me, because it feels as if i didn't trust him. [in reality, i DO.. he doesnt get the difference between trust and me being upset because a woman's private was on his face and i was uncomfortable by it]..anyways, we ended the discussion with moving on.. what i don't understand is.. WHY he has to tell me that i lost something about him and that i had to do something about it to regain it? the heck is that all about? i asked him to explain, and he had said "you know exactly what i mean, because it's messed up that im being honest to you..and you end up getting upset..so i might as well start lyin' just for the sake of seeing you happy".... ahhhh then we confronted about the whole lying vs. being honest in a relationship, and it kind of ended with.. "whatever"..

what am i supposed to do about this? what is this that i have to regain? [i feel as if i don't need to do anything because it was HIS wrong but i took it by saying that i was wrong for the sake of ending this madness that makes me go insane]......what is the cure for this?..

pantsonfire321@aol.com · Mon Sep 05, 2005 1:16 am

I would be pissed off too -

pink princess · Post by **pink princess** » Mon Sep 05, 2005 1:20 am

erm.... i would be seriously F'ed off!!

but then my guy knows better than to even contemplate it! - JOKE!!!

but seriously my guy wouldnt even want to do that....

imagine how your boyf would feel if youd gone to a party with a male stripper who had 'dipped himself in cream' and you then had to lick it off - bet hed be real chuffed

gmc · Post by **gmc** » Mon Sep 05, 2005 2:59 am

Sounds like you could end up in an abusive relationship if you are not careful, he's already got you feeling guilty and apologising when you have no reason to. Most abusers start out by lowering their victims's self esteem. You're better than that, dump him.

Bez · Post by **Bez** » Mon Sep 05, 2005 4:24 am

Call me old fashioned....but....HE'S wrong...you're right...You deserve someone better...

chonsigirl · Post by **chonsigirl** » Mon Sep 05, 2005 4:48 am

Tell him to dance himself goodbye, there are many more fish in the sea. It is unacceptable behavior on his part, and if he cannot see this then he needs a brain transplant. Do not let him put the guilt trip on you for not trusting him-like duh! What he did was untrustworthy. Period. If he doesn't apologize, then you are better off without him now-then later.

lady cop · Post by **lady cop** » Mon Sep 05, 2005 4:54 am

he's playing you. i'd shoot his ass. this guy is a sadist.

lou-lou · Post by **lou-lou** » Mon Sep 05, 2005 5:07 am

What a a**hole men just don't get it sometimes i'd be furious if my bf had done that you stick to your guns and don't apoligse thats for him to do!!!!:-5

venus · Post by **venus** » Mon Sep 05, 2005 5:09 am

I know there are plenty of guys out there who are thinking, "it was just fun", but the great point was made by princess, how would he have fely had the shoe been on the other foot..

My guess, pretty p'd off.

I know he is saying it was fun and others were there, but l can understand you being really unhappy, it was an intimate act and he should't be doing that with another woman if he has respect for you.

And only you know what to do, we can give all the best advice in the world, but you have got to live with it

and if all else fails LC can shoot him:rolleyes:

pink princess · Post by **pink princess** » Mon Sep 05, 2005 5:10 am

one question:

why would he want to do that?!

sounds kinda gross to me... if everyone did it then why would be want to put his mouth there..... eeewwww

i hate that kinda thing, its just so...... eeewwww!

venus · Post by **venus** » Mon Sep 05, 2005 5:14 am

All l keep thinking is pass the listerine!!!!:-2

chrisb84uk · Post by **chrisb84uk** » Mon Sep 05, 2005 5:15 am

I'd have to agree with everyone's advice on this chiquita. This guy certainly isn't worth your time if he's happy going about pulling stunts like that!!!

Oh and if LC's busy (with Bothwell) then call me and I'll sort this guy out for ya.

I knew those karate lessons might come good some day!!! :yh_mfight

pink princess · Post by **pink princess** » Mon Sep 05, 2005 5:18 am

venus wrote: All l keep thinking is pass the listerine!!!!:-2

do you think thta would be strong enough?!

i mean who knows whats been there before?!

im a bad bad person.....

lady cop · Post by **lady cop** » Mon Sep 05, 2005 5:20 am

i have one more comment of a pragmatic nature...what diseases might ms. stripper have since she does this all the time? the mouth contains herpes simplex viruses. or she could be carrying herpes ll. if your man is intimate with any other female, he takes a risk for YOU...it's intolerable.

venus · Post by **venus** » Mon Sep 05, 2005 5:21 am

I have to admit l actually cringed when l read this post.

I have nothing against some one earning a living, but if it had been my bf, l would have scrubbed his face with a wire brush and bleach ....

And then showed him the door for disrespecting me

Bez · Post by **Bez** » Mon Sep 05, 2005 5:42 am

lady cop wrote: i have one more comment of a pragmatic nature...what diseases might ms. stripper have since she does this all the time? the mouth contains herpes simplex viruses. or she could be carrying herpes ll. if your man is intimate with any other female, he takes a risk for YOU...it's intolerable.

ABSOLUTELY.....this behaviour is selfish and dis-respectful....dump him...

pantsonfire321@aol.com · Mon Sep 05, 2005 5:44 am

Tell him hes a loser - coz hes lost you - if it was my old man i would twat the bastard.

pink princess · Post by **pink princess** » Mon Sep 05, 2005 5:53 am

pantsonfire321@aol.com wrote: if it was my old man i would twat the bastard.

:wah: :yh_rotfl excellent!

chonsigirl · Post by **chonsigirl** » Mon Sep 05, 2005 5:54 am

Give him a little incentive-like a foot in the rear to push him out the door!

chonsigirl · Post by **chonsigirl** » Mon Sep 05, 2005 6:04 am

I heard the guilt trip in her post, it certainly is not her fault her was irresponsible, and frankly, unfaithful! Dump him!

Nuthrday · Post by **Nuthrday** » Mon Sep 05, 2005 9:16 am

OMG!!! I read that and my own heart felt squeezed and hurt...I am quite jealous by nature...beyond the fact that I can understand this theory of it being just a game, her being a professional, all that crap, that kind of thing just plain hurts my heart and I can't seem to do anything about it.. SO I know exactly where you are coming from...I don't even want to raise the question of him being so in love with you that he wouldn't want to do that...what I would do, and DO, is keep talking to myself, wait for a big lightbulb there in my brain, or wait for him to say something to make me feel better...Other than that, it would just eat at me...I'm sorry this isnt' going to help you much. My advice? Keep working it through in your own mind. It doesn't matter what the hell he's thinking; if you can live with it, then there will be no problem. He's not going to change his views.

telaquapacky · Post by **telaquapacky** » Mon Sep 05, 2005 5:16 pm

Wow, Chiquita! Good thing that happened. Most girls don't get so clear a warning about a guy- they find out he's scum after it's too late.

Shut off any emotions for him now. Take your winnings and run.

Don't talk to him and don't listen to him ever again.

CountryDweller · Post by **CountryDweller** » Mon Sep 05, 2005 5:23 pm

Relationships are based on trust. If he feels what he did wasn't wrong and trying to convince you to think the same, can you imagine what life with this guy would be like? I personally would not give him the time of day, girl! Dump his a$$....there are other fish in the sea that won't screw with your head.

NursiePoo · Post by **NursiePoo** » Mon Sep 05, 2005 5:59 pm

lady cop wrote: he's playing you. i'd shoot his ass. this guy is a sadist.

100 percent correct. Don't allow yourself to think that he just doesn't understand how you feel, or that he didn't realize it wasn't ok because everyone else was doing it, or ANY other reason he gives you. This man is manipulating you, and he knows exactly what he's doing. Dump his a$$ and don't look back. You will regret it if you don't because he will never change, he'll just find other ways to manipulate you.

I don't mean to be hard, but I'm telling you, run like hell.

(Tact is not my strong suit.)

BabyRider · Post by **BabyRider** » Mon Sep 05, 2005 6:09 pm

Ya know what really cheeses me off about this whole thing? This idiot, (the BF) said "She's a professional..." yada yada yada....

So. If he wanted to get laid, and hired a hooker, that would be ok because it's her JOB??? What an a$$hole.

Lemme tell ya, Chiquita, dump this loser, and dump him QUICK. Any man with an iota of brain-power would know this is unacceptable behavior. He's got YOU feeling guilty?? What a joke. His face does not belong there, and he knows it. It's not funny, it's not a game, and it's not "just for fun." The simple fact that you weren't comfortable with it should have been ALL he needed to hear. Period.