A guy walks into a bar.....OUCH! heh heh

Rapunzel · Post by **Rapunzel** » Mon Apr 20, 2009 11:32 am

A guy goes into a bar and orders a double. The bartender says, 'Man, you look terrible. What's the problem?' The guy says, 'I just caught my girl friend in bed with my best friend.'

Bartender 'That's awful. What did you do?'

Guy 'I threw her naked ass out onto the front lawn, threw her clothes out after her and told her that we were finished and I never wanted to see her again.'

Bartender 'Good for you - that was pretty tough. What did you do to your best friend?'

Guy 'I shook my finger at him and said, 'BAD DOG!'

Rapunzel · Post by **Rapunzel** » Mon Apr 20, 2009 11:47 am

A couple in a cafe in Llangollen, Wales asks 'Can you settle an

argument for us and pronounce where we are, VERY slowly?'

The waitress leaned over and said 'Burrr gurrr king'.

Rapunzel · Post by **Rapunzel** » Mon Apr 20, 2009 11:50 am

A friend was rushed to hospital recently to have a dangerous mole removed from his peni$....

he won't be shagging one of those again!

Rapunzel · Post by **Rapunzel** » Mon Apr 20, 2009 11:59 am

The itch ...

Once upon a time there lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts and Nick the Dragon Slayer who obsessed over the Queen. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he touch them, but he had to try. One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his friend Horatio, the King's chief doctor. Horatio thought about it and said that he could arrange for Nick to satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it. Without pause Nick agreed to the scheme. The next day, Horatio made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's bra while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching began and grew intense. Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure the itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick would. The King, eager to help his Queen, summoned Nick to their chambers. Horatio then slipped Nick the antidote for the itching powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's magnificent breasts. The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick left satisfied and hailed as a hero. Upon returning to his chamber, Nick found Horatio demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick couldn't have cared less and, knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the King, with a laugh told him to get lost. The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's underwear. The King immediately summoned Nick.

The moral of the story...

Pay your bills.

Rapunzel · Post by **Rapunzel** » Mon Apr 20, 2009 12:06 pm

Swimmimg Incident

Jim and Mary were both patients in a Mental Hospital. One day, while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Mary suddenly jumped into the deep end.

She sank like a stone to the bottom and stayed there.

Jim promptly jumped in to save her. He swam to the bottom and pulled Mary out.

When the medical director became aware of Jim's heroic act, he immediately ordered him to be discharged from the hospital, as he now considered him to be mentally stable.

When he went to tell him the news, he said, "Jim, I have good news and bad news.

The good news is you're being discharged because since you were able to jump in and save the life of another patient, I think you've regained your senses.

The bad news is that Mary, the patient you saved, hung herself in the bathroom with the belt of her robe. I am so sorry, but she's dead."

Jim replied, "She didn't hang herself ...... I put her there to dry."

Rapunzel · Post by **Rapunzel** » Mon Apr 20, 2009 12:10 pm

Barry returned from a doctor's visit one day and told his wife Carolyn that the doctor said he only had 24 hours to live. Wiping away her tears, he asked her to make love with him. Of course she agreed and they made passionate love.

Six hours later, Barry went to her again, and said, 'Honey, now I ONLY have 18 hours left to live. Maybe we could make love again?' Carolyn agreed and again they made love.

Later, Barry was getting into bed when he realized he now had ONLY eight hours of life left. He touched Carolyn's shoulder and said 'Honey? Please? Just one more time before I die.' She agreed, Then afterward she rolled over and fell asleep.

Barry, however, heard the clock ticking in his head, and he tossed and turned until he was down to only four more hours. He tapped his wife on the shoulder to wake her up.

'Honey, I only have four hours left! Could we...?'

His wife sat up abruptly, turned to him and said, 'Listen Barry, I'm not being funny but I have to get up in the morning and you don't.'

Rapunzel · Post by **Rapunzel** » Mon Apr 20, 2009 12:13 pm

I just paid £60 for 4 haunches of venison

Do you thinks it's two deer?

Rapunzel · Post by **Rapunzel** » Mon Apr 20, 2009 12:15 pm

A bloke goes to the doctors..

"Doctor" he says, "I keep thinking i'm a moth"

"A moth?" replies the doctor, "you don't need a doctor, you need a psychiatrist... what made you come in here?"

"well" said the man, "your light was on"

qsducks · Post by **qsducks** » Mon Apr 20, 2009 12:17 pm

Bravo!!!!:yh_rotfl:yh_rotfl

Snowfire · Post by **Snowfire** » Mon Apr 20, 2009 12:20 pm

A woman goes into a bar and asks for a double entendre

So he gives her one

Rapunzel · Post by **Rapunzel** » Mon Apr 20, 2009 12:21 pm

A blonde and a brunette are walking down the street and pass a flower shop, where the Brunette happens to see her boyfriend buying flowers.

She sighs and says, "Oh, sh*t, my boyfriend is buying me flowers again.....for no reason."

The Blonde looks quizzically at her and says, "What's the big deal, don't you like getting flowers?"

The Brunette says, "Oh, sure...but he always has expectations after getting me flowers, and I just don't feel like spending the next three days on my back with my legs in the air."

The Blonde says, "Don't you have a vase?" :wah: :wah:

Rapunzel · Post by **Rapunzel** » Mon Apr 20, 2009 12:33 pm

In retaliation to the war in Afghanistan, Muslim terrorists have stormed the streets of Bradford and are shooting anyone with a British passport.

The police fear that the death toll could be as high as 2.

Rapunzel · Post by **Rapunzel** » Mon Apr 20, 2009 12:37 pm

For Oscar.....

Gordon Brown, Alistair Darling and Peter Mandelson are flying to a world economic summit. Peter looks at Alistair and chuckles: 'You know, I could throw a £50 note out of the window right now and make one person very happy.' Alistair shrugs his shoulders and says: 'Well, I could throw five £10 notes out of the window and make five people very happy.' Gordon says: 'Of course, but I could throw ten £5 notes out of the window and make ten people very happy.' The pilot rolls his eyes, looks at all of them, and says: 'I could throw all of you out of the window and make the whole country happy.'

A lobbyist on his way home from Parliament is stuck in traffic. Noticing a police officer, he winds down his window and asks: 'What's the hold-up?' The policeman replies: 'The Prime Minister is so depressed he's stopped his motorcade and is threatening to douse himself with petrol and set himself on fire. 'He says no one believes he can get us through the credit crunch. So we're taking up a collection for him.' The lobbyist asks: 'How much have you got so far?' The officer replies: 'About 40 gallons, but a lot of people are still siphoning.'

Rapunzel · Post by **Rapunzel** » Mon Apr 20, 2009 12:40 pm

Snowfire;1177867 wrote: A woman goes into a bar and asks for a double entendre

So he gives her one

:wah: :wah:

farmer giles · Post by **farmer giles** » Mon Apr 20, 2009 1:18 pm

great stuff:yh_rotfl:yh_rotfl

OpenMind · Post by **OpenMind** » Mon Apr 20, 2009 1:31 pm

:yh_rotfl:yh_rotfl:yh_rotfl

Rap and roll.:wah:

Odie · Post by **Odie** » Mon Apr 20, 2009 9:39 pm

Rapunzel;1177847 wrote: A guy goes into a bar and orders a double. The bartender says, 'Man, you look terrible. What's the problem?' The guy says, 'I just caught my girl friend in bed with my best friend.'

Bartender 'That's awful. What did you do?'

Guy 'I threw her naked ass out onto the front lawn, threw her clothes out after her and told her that we were finished and I never wanted to see her again.'

Bartender 'Good for you - that was pretty tough. What did you do to your best friend?'

Guy 'I shook my finger at him and said, 'BAD DOG!'

:yh_rotfl:yh_rotfl:yh_rotfl:yh_rotfl