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Quotes from Employee Performance Evaluations:

1. Since my last report, he has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.

2. His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.

3. I would not allow this employee to breed.

4. Works well when under constant supervision and cornered in a trap.

5. When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there.

6. He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.

7. This young lady has delusions of adequacy.

8. She sets low personal standards, then consistently fails to achieve them.

9. This employee should go far --- and the sooner he starts, the better.

10. This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.



Real Notes to British Milkmen

These notes were left in milk bottles.


Dear milkman I've just had a baby, please leave another one.

Please leave an extra pint of paralysed milk.

Cancel one pint after the day after today.

Please don't leave any more milk. All they do is drink it.

Milkman, please close the gate behind you because the birds keep pecking the tops off the milk.

Milkman, please could I have a loaf but not bread today.

Please cancel milk. I have nothing coming into the house but two sons on the dole.

Sorry not to have paid your bill before, but my wife had a baby and I've been carrying it around in my pocket for weeks.

Sorry about yesterday's note. I didn't mean one egg and a dozen pints, but the other way round.

When you leave my milk knock on my bedroom window and wake me because I want you to give me a hand to turn the mattress.

Please knock. My TV's broken down and I missed last night's Coronation Street. If you saw it, will you tell me what happened over a cup of tea.

My daughter says she wants a milkshake. Do you do it before you deliver or do I have to shake the bottle ?

Please send me a form for cheap milk, for I have a baby two months old and did not know about it until a neighbour told me.

Bez, I have seen the employee reports, and I always crack up at those, but the notes for the milkman had me hiccupping I was laughing so hard!!! :yh_rotfl

Great stuff!!

Keep 'em coming Bez. That was a barrel full.:wah:

Too funny! I need to commit some of these to memory so I don't have to say "where's a good line when you need one.............."

MEN VS WOMEN

NICKNAMES

If Laura, Suzanne, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Suzanne, Kate and Sarah.

If Mike, Charlie, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy.

EATING OUT

When the bill arrives, Mike, Charlie, Dave and John will each throw in £20, even though it's only for £32.50.. None of them will have anything smaller,and none will actually admit they want change back.

When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY

A man will pay £2 for a £1 item he needs.

A woman will pay £1 for a £2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

BATHROOMS

A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from M&S.

The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

ARGUMENTS

A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

CATS

Women love cats.

Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

FUTURE

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.



DRESSING UP

A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the bins, answer the phone, read a book, and get the post.

A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.

Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING

Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favourite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

What a woman says: C'mon...This place is a mess, You and I need to clean. Your pants are on the floor and you'll have no clothes if we don't do the laundry now.

What a man hears: C'MON ... blah, blah, blah YOU AND I blah, blah, blah blah, blah ON THE FLOOR blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES blah, blah, blah, blah, NOW!!

Obviously this was sent to me by a man!! Typical huh girls!

Nice one, Bez. Some excellent funny truths there. :wah:

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his

priest, "I almost had an affair with another woman."

The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?"

The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together,

but then I stopped."

The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in.

You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's

and put $50 in the poor box."

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then

walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I

saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!"

The Irishman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and

according to you, that's the same as putting it in."