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why do Scots wear Kilts??

Cuz the Sheep can hear the zippers.

A visiting professor at the University of Montana is giving a seminar on the supernatural.



To get a feel for his audience, he asks, How many people here believe in ghosts?



About 90 students raise their hands.

Well that's a good start,says the professor, Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you've ever seen a ghost?



About 40 students raise their hands.



That's really good, continues the professor, I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?



15 students raise their hands.



That's a great response, remarks the impressed professor, has anyone here ever touched a ghost?



Three students raise their hands.



That's fantastic. But let me ask you one question further... Have any of you ever made love to a ghost? asks the professor.



One student in the back raises his hand.



The professor is astonished.



He takes off glasses, takes a step back, and says, Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have slept with a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience.



The redneck student replies with a nod and begins to make his way up to the podium.



The professor asks, Well, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost.



The student replies, Ghost?!? Dang, I thought you said goats.

There was this guy and he had a girlfriend called Lorraine who was very pretty and he liked her a lot.



One day he went to work to find that a new girl had started. Her name was Clearly and she was absolutely gorgeous. He became quite besotted with her and after a while it became obvious that she was interested in him too.



But this guy was a loyal man and he wouldn't get involved with Clearly while he was still going out with Lorraine.



He decided that there was nothing for it but to break up with her and get it on with the new girl.



He planned several times to tell Lorraine but he couldn't bring himself to do it. One day they went for a walk along the river bank when Lorraine slipped and fell in to the river. The current carried her off and she drowned.



The guy stopped for a moment by the river and then ran off smiling and singing: "I can see Clearly now Lorraine has gone"

that's bad!!

:wah: How do u guys come up with this stuff!! Keep it coming.

They're great!!!

Wolverine wrote: why do Scots wear Kilts??

Cuz the Sheep can hear the zippers.


Now Now be carefull the PC brigade will have you up before the courts.



What does a Scotsman wear under his kilt ?



LIPSTICK hehehehehe

Car Problem

One day, a mechanical engineer, electrical engineer, chemical engineer, and computer engineer were driving down the street in the same car when it broke down.

The mechanical engineer said, "I think a rod broke."

The chemical engineer said, "The way it sputtered at the end, I think it's not getting enough gas."

The electrical engineer said, "I think there was a spark and something's wrong with the electrical system."

All three turned to the computer engineer and said, "What do you think?"

The computer engineer said, "I think we should all get out and then get back in."

scotty wrote: Now Now be carefull the PC brigade will have you up before the courts.



What does a Scotsman wear under his kilt ?



LIPSTICK hehehehehe


GOOD ONE!!:wah:

A professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife. It read: "Dear

Wife: You must realise that you are 54 years old, and I have certain

needs which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as wife, and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand

Hotel with my 18-year-old teaching assistant. I'll be home before

midnight.



-Your Husband"



When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting for him

that read as follows: "Dear Husband: You, too, are 54 years old, and

by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel

with the 18- year-old pool boy. Being the brilliant mathematician that

you are, you can easily appreciate the fact that 18 goes into 54 a lot

more times than 54 goes into 18. Don't wait up.

:wah: Good one Pina.









PEDRO'S FIRST DAY OF 4th GRADE

It was the first day of school and a new student named Pedro Martinez, the son of a Mexican restaurateur, entered the fourth grade.

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death?'"

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Pedro, who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry,

1775."

"Very good!" apprised the teacher. "Now, who said, 'Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth?'"

Again, no response except from Pedro. "Abraham Lincoln, 1863."

The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed! Pedro, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do!"

She heard a loud whisper: "Screw the Mexicans!"

"Who said that?" she demanded.

Pedro put his hand up. "Jim Bowie, 1836."

At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke."

The teacher glared and asked, "All right! Now, who said that?"

Again, Pedro. "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."

Now furious, another student yelled, "Oh yeah? Suck this!"

Pedro jumped out of his chair waving his hand and shouting to the teacher, "Bill Clinton to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"

Now, with almost a mob hysteria, teacher said, "You little ****. If you say anything else, I'll kill you!"

Pedro frantically yelled at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit to Chandra Levy, 2001."

The teacher fainted, and as the class gathered around her on the floor, someone said, "Oh ****, we're in BIG trouble now!"

Pedro whispered, "Saddam Hussein, 2003."

good one abbey!

A man and his wife were driving home one very cold night when the wife asks her husband to stop the car. There was a baby skunk lying at the side of the road, and she got out to see if it was still alive. It was, and she said to her husband, "It's nearly frozen to death. Can we take it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning?"



He says, "O.K., Get in the car with it."



"Where shall I put it to get it warm?"



He says, "Put it in between your legs. It's nice and warm there.



"But what about the smell?" (drum roll and rim shot, please)



"Just hold its nose." .......................................









The man is expected to recover, but the skunk she used to beat him with died at the scene.

I´m pinching that one Abbey