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I had a car accident with a magician. It wasn’t my fault. He came out of nowhere.

Tiffany adopts two dogs, and she names them Rolex and Timex.

Her friend asked her why she picked these names. Tiffany replies: “They are watchdogs!”

A man walked into a doctor’s office. He had a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear. “Doc, What’s wrong with me?” he asked. “That‘s easy,” said the doctor.

“You’re not eating properly.”

Did you hear about the convict who had an allergy? He broke out.

Did you hear about the mime who went shopping? He only bought unmentionables.

Did you hear about the knife-sharpener who quit his job? He couldn’t stand the daily grind.

Did you hear about the 400-pound cartoonist? He was overdrawn.

Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut? He needed some space.

What did one DNA said to the other DNA? These genes make me look fat.

Did you hear the one about the hermit who got into trouble for driving to town? He was charged with recluse driving.

An invisible man married an invisible woman. Their children weren’t much to look at either.

Speech!

George W. Bush is at the stadium and begins his speech to open the

Olympic Games: “Ooooooo! Ooooooo! Ooooooo! Ooooooo! Ooooooo!”

An aide comes over and whispers: “Mr President, those are the Olympic

rings, your speech is below!”

You are Tommy Cooper AICMFF

LOL tombstone--cute

"Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid,

the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other

one off."

"Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there

are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my

mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother

Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin."

"So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and

said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.'"

"I inherited a painting and a violin which turned out to be a Rembrandt

and a Stradivarius. Unfortunately, Rembrandt made lousy violins an

Stradivarius was a terrible painter."

So I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He

said "My dog's died.'"

"So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can

you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your

oyster, go for it.'

"Cos it's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library

and go 'Aaaaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do

the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in."

(Tommy Cooper).

Funny!