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Hello everyone! I was surfing the web and happened to come across this site and felt like this was a professional forum where adults can discuss everyday issues.

I am a 34 year old male who has been married for 12 years now. My wife is 32 and I have a wonderful 10 year old son. We all live together!

Let me just get to the point: Me and my wife have been having problems sexually for quite a long time. I have been to marriage counselors and nothing seems to work. The problem we are experiencing is that I am wanting it more frequently than she does. For awhile I thought it was just me. Maybe I just had an overactive sex drive. We might have sex now twice a month. Maybe. I have been trying to remember what it was like before things came to a halt pretty much and it seems like we were having sex maybe twice a week before. I don't know though, it has been awhile.

Recently she informed me that the problem was that she wasn't doing it anymore until she wanted to. Which was news to me obviously. I never knew she was doing it and not wanting to before. Of course I went along with this because I didn't feel right trying to get her to do something she wasn't wanting to do. I talked to some ladies where I work about this. And I basically asked what their opinion was on a healthy sex drive with a couple in their early to mid-30's. 2 to 3 times a week is what I was being told. Now I understand I don't want there to be a quota set up for something like this, but I just wanted to know what was normal. I talked to my wife about this conversation and she got upset at me for asking a question like that to my co-workers. Then she proceeded to tell me that women would rather lie to a man than tell them the truth when it comes to sex. After hearing her and the way she talks here recently, I feel like she has given me the impression that women for the most part hate having sex and that women are a special breed meaning that they are somehow telepathically tied together. No, she didn't say this verbatum, but this is what I feel like now. And I am quite sure that she would say the same thing about any of you responding to this thread. I now understand that it was all fake when we were dating up until a few years ago. (if you know what I mean) I even began to think that maybe there was something wrong with me. Maybe physically I needed to tone up a bit or something. She ensures me that this is not it. I am basically reeling here and I don't know which direction to turn. I know I love my wife and son and leaving this relationship is something I DO NOT want to do. Especially over this, but I tell you what, it is so hard fighting back the hormones (I suppose) because according to her when I try to discuss it with her it just makes her feel pressured and this according to her makes matters worse. And that makes sense. So I am trying to fight back these urges and no matter what I try nothing makes a difference. I try to romance her and things of that nature but her so-called women's intuition takes over and she says "I know what you are up to". No matter what change I try to make to satisfy her need nothing on the bedroom side changes...NOTHING!!

Sorry for this being so long, but I really do need some help here. At this point in time she has me so confused. She has me thinking that women say one thing to "play along" with men and that somehow we (men) are inferior mentally. She says she was born with this capability that she can tell what another woman is like just by looking at them. She has me so confused and quite frankly once or twice a month for me is very hard to live with. Please for God's sake if anyone has any suggestions at all, I would love to hear them!

Thanks!

some thoughts

1/ you could attend a sex therapist together

2/ is it possible she is going through what us women call (the change) & its started early, not common until 40/50 years - loss of periods ect

3/ is she having an affair/ in real life or online?

Thanks for the reply!

I have tried to get her to go with me to see a therapist, but she seems to be TOTALLY AGAINST that. She is a fairly conservative woman in that respect.

The change? Well, I doubt it. But if so she has been going through this change for several years now. I am hoping it ends sooner than later if that is what it is.

An outside relationship? I doubt it. I know she isn't seeing someone personally, but the internet is another thing. I know over that past 2 years or so she has underwent a change where her attitude has become her new catch phrase "NOONE is going to tell me what do do anymore" I have never ordered her around like some slave so I am not 100% sure of the origin of that statement.

hello and welcome...i have a question...does she love you?

Does she love me? Well, all I can tell you is what she says to me. She says she loves me, but honestly I kind of wonder about that from time to time.

Think, is this all her fault? Did you start taking her for granted? Did you let the romance slip away when you had sex? Don't think of it as sex, but making love to your wife. Go back to treating her like you did before you were married. A lot of men fall into a rut thinking that when they married sex was automatic. Let the Lady, and I mean lady, know that you love her and want to be near her. There are many times a woman likes to be held with nothing on the agenda but being close to the one they love. Sex is not the only way to enjoy your lady. Take her out, treat her to "dates" like you had before marriage. It may not turn around in a week after all I bet it took a while to degenerate into what it is now.

i asked because (and this is rhetorical) when a woman LOVES a man she is more than willing to resolve such critical issues. that of course does not take into account any physical illness or difficulty. just in general. sex does not equal love, but love in a full relationship includes mutual sexual gratification and caring about one's partner's needs. not to mention the sheer joy of pleasing the beloved person. if the sex is unhappy for either person, in my opinion only, there is something very wrong on some level. you may have to go very deep to find out what is really wrong. it's a symptom , not a cause.

I have to agree with the women who are asking "does she love you". She may think she does because she does not not want to lose the security of your income.

Withholding sex is usually a power or control issue - as evidenced by her statement that she is not going to do anything she does not want to do anymore. I agree that healthy loving relationships are usually making love 3-5 times a week barring any health isssues. I would look at the power/control issues in the relationship.

Wow, thanks for the responses! To reply wildfire first.....I am willing to go that route again if that is what would work. I understand that sometimes in a relationship that things become "stale" for the lack of a better word. But it has been my experience when trying these things that she seeking out a reason for my trying to romance. I have been trying to compliment her on her looks, I am always letting her know how beautiful she is to me. She blows it off and says she knows what I am up to. Don't get me wrong, I know that sex shouldn't be the reason behind treating your lady like a "lady". I don't have a problem with that. It's just that when I do, I get absolutely nothing in return. NOTHING. Have I ever gotten compliments from her? No, I haven't. She tells me she loves me every night I leave out the door to go to work. That's it. I really am not sure what to try right at this point in time because she wants to try to diagnose any change for my trying to get her to have sex with me more often.



Ladycop.....great point you have. I know from my perspective I have tried to make sex more enjoyable for her by learning new things. She has even told me before that she has mentioned to her friends that I worry about pleasing her more than I worry about pleasing myself. This is not just about me if that's what I have made it out to be. I want her to want me just as much as I want her. And typically we tend to get along fairly well in all other aspects of our marriage. I suppose me being a man the sex thing is driving me crazy. I don't want anyone else as she tries to tell me to go find you someone else you can be happy with. I am not going to do that because I love her and only her. I want to share with her just how much I get out of it. She just seems to be for the most part an unwilling participant. But then again she tries to ensure me that it isn't only her that feels the way she does. But most all women are like that. She says that a healthy sexual relationship obviously has a woman involved that doesn't know how to say no.

The power issue might be another valid point. I haven't really thought about that one, but I know she has had an incredible independent streak the past couple years. She spends a lot of time alone in her bathroom listeneing to Keith Urban CD's! The Keith Urban thing has gotten bad enough to where she has entered his fan club and knows all his television appearances and concerts and she rarely misses any TV appearances. I don't know though......great points you guys have come up with! Thanks so much!

But then again she tries to ensure me that it isn't only her that feels the way she does. But most all women are like that. She says that a healthy sexual relationship obviously has a woman involved that doesn't know how to say no.

Gosh I think you have a bit of a problem on your hand. Most women in a healthy sexual relationship "want" to be there. I feel sorry for her thinking women just "play along" that is not true.

And her time to herself in the bathroom and her fantacy about the country singer is ok, but maybe try telling her she can fatacize about him while haveing sex with you.

Does she work full time? Sometimes life in general gets in the way of sexual satisfaction and many women just are too exhausted. I would suggest "dating" her again and courting but you mentioned you have tried to romance her. Gosh that is a pity.

Take her away for a weekend and just spend special together time with each other no routine distractions just the 2 of you kind of a renewal.

I would be concerned about "outside" influence with her when you mentioned her changes. The other thing maybe it is a medical thing I dunno grasping at straws but maybe something about sex is painful and she isn't sharing that with you. I really wish I had a fix for you.

Wow. There's so much more going on here than even you know, Robbie. This is all speculation on my part, and my opinion, I am not a psychologist, or psychic, contrary to what your wife thinks.

There have been a couple telling comments, the biggest is "no one is going to tell me what to do anymore." To me, that says that she has an issue with what she perceives as being controlled. All this talk about women having a telepathic connection is a bit odd, in my mind. I think women understand each other better than men, to a point, just like men understand each other. But it almost sounds like she is suspicious of YOU.

Do you know all about her history? It also sounds like she has had some trauma in the past, which makes her adverse to anything that she sees as threatening her independence. Some of the things you say she's said make me very leery about her mental health. I hate to say that to you, and I am just guessing by what you've said, but it's the impression I get.

When she says "Any woman who says she has a healthy sex life just hasn't learned to say no" she is WAY off. I mean in a whole other galaxy. My fiance and I have a great sex life, and we are just a bit older than you. I'm 34, he's 35. 4-5 times a week if not more often. I am NOT the type to just "tolerate" anything, especially not sex. Sharing your body with your partner is the ultimate act of trust. If she's not willing to do that, there is something, somewhere, that has caused her not to trust you. I am not referring to fidelity, either. It could be any one of a dozen things. You say you don't cheat, I'll believe you. But there is something else at issue here.

Just my thoughts, and again, speculation from what you have said only. Therapy of some kind seems warranted, though. Perhaps not even sex therapy, but something deeper.

Good luck, and welcome to FG. You should hang for a while, there's lots of great people here, with very good advice and input. :yh_peace

I'd be asking, are you still 'in' love with me?, not do you love me?



When there is no sex in a relationship and the male starts wooing, complimenting etc, I'm afraid we do see it as a man just trying to get his way. You have to talk to her and try and stop her thinking that way, otherwise you are going to end up not paying any compliments, or doing anything nice for her because it's not worth the grief you end up with.



Does she go out to work??? I remember feeling completely stifled in my marriage, just being a wife and a mother, lots of women need more than that.

Betty Boop wrote: Does she go out to work??? Great question, here. Lots of women begin to feel "superfluous" if they are not contributing to the income, and most women need a break from the home just to feel they are not losing their identity.

you got it girls

BIG RED FLAG! ...she tries to tell me to go find you someone else you can be happy with

lady cop wrote: BIG RED FLAG! ...she tries to tell me to go find you someone else you can be happy with


yep that could be interpreted as "I do so, and to ease my guilt you should do so as well"

Sorry I missed that one R. Been there.

I don't mean to make light of the situation, but what is that old joke?

About putting a dollar in a jar every time you have sex the first year you

are married... and every year after that, take a dollar out and you'll

never empty the jar!



If I were you, I'd investigate 2 things... hormones and depression. Your

wife might be having problems because of either or both of those.



Not an expert, either. Just trying to help because you asked.



There can always be differences in the sex drives of 2 people, but

things can't go on like this for you and your wife, sounds like all heck

is due to break loose any time.

I does sound like she wants out of the marriage if she isn't willing to go to counseling. And all the subtle things she has said would lean me to that conclusion also.

Ok I am putting my past marriage out there - so .......Does your wife take any kind of antidepressants? - This makes you want nothing to do with the bedroom..Have any of her friends gone through a divorce recently?..This can take a toll on your marriage even though it should have anything to do with you...Has she had a physical in the last year?...Sometimes the smallest pain during intercourse can make you dry and make it uncomfortable....and does she have orgasms? - (I am NOT trying to be rude here..) My friend hates sex...becuase she has yet - at the age of 31, had an orgasm..I didn't know that was possible - but she says she just doesn't and sex is over rated..We, also - have sex between 3-4 times a week..We have been married just a year, but have been together almost 4 years...We have laughed about- "its the sex that has kept us togther"..LOL - Anyway- There can be so many issues, from her going through a "mid-life" crisis, which I think is a bogus thing...to a dryness, she doesn't know how to fix...TALK ~TALK ~TALK~ and when you get to bed...TALK some more...and when you have finished making love ~TALK~TALK~TALK and HOLD her.. Just some advice, from a woman who LOVES to communicate! Hee hee.

Seriously...hang in there- you sound comitted to this relationship and -hopefully she can see around this hurdle you have reached..

RobbieR wrote: Hello everyone! I was surfing the web and happened to come across this site and felt like this was a professional forum where adults can discuss everyday issues.

I am a 34 year old male who has been married for 12 years now. My wife is 32 and I have a wonderful 10 year old son. We all live together!

Let me just get to the point: Me and my wife have been having problems sexually for quite a long time. I have been to marriage counselors and nothing seems to work. The problem we are experiencing is that I am wanting it more frequently than she does. For awhile I thought it was just me. Maybe I just had an overactive sex drive. We might have sex now twice a month. Maybe. I have been trying to remember what it was like before things came to a halt pretty much and it seems like we were having sex maybe twice a week before. I don't know though, it has been awhile.

Recently she informed me that the problem was that she wasn't doing it anymore until she wanted to. Which was news to me obviously. I never knew she was doing it and not wanting to before. Of course I went along with this because I didn't feel right trying to get her to do something she wasn't wanting to do. I talked to some ladies where I work about this. And I basically asked what their opinion was on a healthy sex drive with a couple in their early to mid-30's. 2 to 3 times a week is what I was being told. Now I understand I don't want there to be a quota set up for something like this, but I just wanted to know what was normal. I talked to my wife about this conversation and she got upset at me for asking a question like that to my co-workers. Then she proceeded to tell me that women would rather lie to a man than tell them the truth when it comes to sex. After hearing her and the way she talks here recently, I feel like she has given me the impression that women for the most part hate having sex and that women are a special breed meaning that they are somehow telepathically tied together. No, she didn't say this verbatum, but this is what I feel like now. And I am quite sure that she would say the same thing about any of you responding to this thread. I now understand that it was all fake when we were dating up until a few years ago. (if you know what I mean) I even began to think that maybe there was something wrong with me. Maybe physically I needed to tone up a bit or something. She ensures me that this is not it. I am basically reeling here and I don't know which direction to turn. I know I love my wife and son and leaving this relationship is something I DO NOT want to do. Especially over this, but I tell you what, it is so hard fighting back the hormones (I suppose) because according to her when I try to discuss it with her it just makes her feel pressured and this according to her makes matters worse. And that makes sense. So I am trying to fight back these urges and no matter what I try nothing makes a difference. I try to romance her and things of that nature but her so-called women's intuition takes over and she says "I know what you are up to". No matter what change I try to make to satisfy her need nothing on the bedroom side changes...NOTHING!!

Sorry for this being so long, but I really do need some help here. At this point in time she has me so confused. She has me thinking that women say one thing to "play along" with men and that somehow we (men) are inferior mentally. She says she was born with this capability that she can tell what another woman is like just by looking at them. She has me so confused and quite frankly once or twice a month for me is very hard to live with. Please for God's sake if anyone has any suggestions at all, I would love to hear them!

Thanks!


As I see it Robbie, there are three solutions to you're problem:-

1) Get rid of the wife and find someone that will give up the goodies

or

2) Negotiate a frequent user discount at your local whore house.

or

3) Knock one out in the bathroom when the urge takes you.

TMC wrote: As I see it Robbie, there are three solutions to you're problem:-

1) Get rid of the wife and find someone that will give up the goodies

or

2) Negotiate a frequent user discount at your local whore house.

or

3) Knock one out in the bathroom when the urge takes you.


Hey TMC - don't hold back - tell us what you REALLY think! :wah:

to quote percy sledge....when a man loves a woman........works both ways. i would do anything, and happily, to make my man feel loved and wanted. if you don't have that you need to leave, life is too damn short. and sex is the glue, like Flop says, even if you can't speak you can make love and heal.

lady cop wrote: to quote percy sledge....when a man loves a woman........works both ways. i would do anything, and happily, to make my man feel loved and wanted. if you don't have that you need to leave, life is too damn short. and sex is the glue, like Flop says, even if you can't speak you can make love and heal.


:yh_worshp :yh_hugs

flopstock wrote: My best advice to you is to get out now while you're still young. Find a woman who doesn't just love you, but WANTS you. Try and visualize this relationship in another 10 years...Yikes!
Too late in my opinion. There's a kid involved. I recommend starting over with her! Woo her. Love her. Kiss and touch her without any expectation of sex. Talk to her about other things ... any other things ... and stay interested throughout the converstation. And, BTW, let your kid see your efforts. It will pay off in the long run.

You guys are all lucky. My wife's been too ill for sex for the better part of ten years.

TMC wrote: As I see it Robbie, there are three solutions to you're problem:-



1) Get rid of the wife and find someone that will give up the goodies



or



2) Negotiate a frequent user discount at your local whore house.



or



3) Knock one out in the bathroom when the urge takes you.Wow, what a catch you are TMC!

Jives wrote: You guys are all lucky. My wife's been too ill for sex for the better part of ten years. :(Now this guy's a testament to true love.

abbey wrote: Wow, what a catch you are TMC!


Every woman’s dream :wah:

TW2005 wrote: I would have to say that sex is a very big part in my relationships. I've had in the past girls that for some reason did not like sex that much. Some just don't. Personally I don't understand that, but whatever. I've had girls that couldn't get enough of it. And thats the kind of girl I need and want. The girls that want it all the time, if there is no emotional connection after some time or the emotional feeling goes away, I let them go. I am only 21 so this is easier for me to do than someone who has been married for years. But if the connection is not there sexually for me anymore, I couldn't imagine what my life would be like. It's a big thing for me to be able to make love to someone who I really do love. Sex is just sex, personally I can take care of the sudden urges myself (if ya know what i mean) Sex with someone that is not wanting it, or is not enjoying it, or is not wanting to try new things.....is very boring for me. Sex with the one you truly do love, is the greatest feeling in the world, in my opinion.

I was in a relationship a few years ago, and we were together for a long time. (going on 2 years) We were totally in love, head over heals for eachother. In the beginning when we first started to have sex, it was the best thing for the both of us. Always doing it, enjoying it to the fullest. Then about a year and a half into the relationship, the sex slowed down. We went from doing it about 5 times a week to, maybe once a week :-1 then to twice a month..... :-1 From then on I knew the relationship was over. She never wanted it anymore, never asked for it, never did the little things she used to do during. Never wanted to explore and try new things(sexually) It took some time to realize what was really going on, and when I did it was very upsetting for me.

She told me she loved me all the time and I know that she truly did in the first year and a half, but then I started to qustion it after the sex fell off. I was always questioning myself.....Is it my fault?? No it was not! She had met someone else and was just taking her time and waiting for the right time to end things with me. She finally ended things with me and gave me a BS story about why she wanted to end it. Come to find out that she met this guy, 6 months prior to ending things with me and was running around with him. I always still to this day question haw I let this happen, or why I couldnt see what was going on? But I realized that I was blinded by questioning myself so much and trying to figure out what was wrong, I forgot to look after and protect myself.

I don't want to say that this is whats happening to you in your relationship, but It sounds alot like what I went through. The only difference is that you are married, have a child together and longer time frame. Don't know if this helped you or not, but I just wanted to put this out there.


Geeze TW I rarely agree with your points of view BUT this time yes yes yes how very insightful of you. Sex is a huge part in a relationship unless like Jives you work with what your partner is capable of. There is nothing more intimate to share than sex. I think it is the glue of a solid relationship and like you said when sex fails the relationship flounders. Much like yourself TW my relationship failed because "he" lost the drive, and why did he loose the drive... someone else. Kind of a red flag if you ask me.

TW2005 wrote: Yeah, I really am a nice person.... I think?? But it's my views on other things that drives people away. But when it comes to relationships, i'm usually the friend that people vent to.

And like you said about Jives, if it comes to the point that the other can't because of a medical condition that is a whole other ball game.


Ok Side note~

takes TW off ignore list

TW2005 wrote: I was on your ignore list?? :yh_ooooo


Naw you were not hehehehe

:yh_angel + :yh_devil = :yh_love

Oh stop! you're making me :yh_sick

flopstock wrote: I'm his grandmothers age..now behave before i have to spank ya!
Now THERE'S a way to revitalize a marriage! :yh_wink

Your problem sounds very similar to mine, except that I am a woman and writing to you from the other point of view. I got married 5 years back, and although I love my husband dearly, I do not find him very attractive sexually.

I cant imagine a life without him and we are brilliant partners in life but not when it comes to sex. One reason being that i have never been satisfied sexually by him, although he tries a lot. It might be that I have a mental block, but the chemistry is just not there. Is this the problem with you? I'd suggest you see a sexologist or something and try to remidy your situation.

flopstock wrote:

You don't want to see what i look like, trust me
yes i do

...but it's worse in the morning with the bedhead and bloodshot eyes..
ahhh, sweet ambrosia

swear to god i feel like the hottest old lady in town when he inventories the 'goods' on his way out the door.