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Here are some puns . Please forgive me !

Did you hear about the guy who named his two dogs "Rolex" and "Timex "? They were watch dogs .

Why did the bumblebee wear a yarmulka and a star of David ? He didn't want to be mistaken for a wasp .

What's Dracula's favorite place to visit in New York ? The Vampire State Building .

Why are demons and ghouls always spending so much time with each other ? Because demons are a ghoul's best friend .

What do you get when you throw a bomb into a French kitchen ? Linoleum blownaparte .

If you jump off a bridge in Paris, you're in Seine .

The Conference of Catholics and Jews in America has just come up with a joint Catholic /Jewish hymn called "Oy Vey, Maria ."

What was Beethoven doing after he died ? Decomposing .

Fedex and UPS are merging , and the new organization will be called "Fedup ."

What do you call a laughing piano ? A Yamahaha .

What's the difference between a piano and a fish ? You can't tuna fish .

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My all-time favorite:

Why did the young mother name her quadruplets Eenie, Meenie, Mynee, and Irving?

Because she didn't want no Mo'.

What's the difference between a vitamin and a hormone?

You can't hear a vitamin.

superhorn;1506995 wrote: Here are some puns . Please forgive me !

Did you hear about the guy who named his two dogs "Rolex" and "Timex "? They were watch dogs .

Why did the bumblebee wear a yarmulka and a star of David ? He didn't want to be mistaken for a wasp .

What's Dracula's favorite place to visit in New York ? The Vampire State Building .

Why are demons and ghouls always spending so much time with each other ? Because demons are a ghoul's best friend .

What do you get when you throw a bomb into a French kitchen ? Linoleum blownaparte .

If you jump off a bridge in Paris, you're in Seine .

The Conference of Catholics and Jews in America has just come up with a joint Catholic /Jewish hymn called "Oy Vey, Maria ."

What was Beethoven doing after he died ? Decomposing .

Fedex and UPS are merging , and the new organization will be called "Fedup ."

What do you call a laughing piano ? A Yamahaha .

What's the difference between a piano and a fish ? You can't tuna fish .


LOVED these!

How do you make a hormone?

Don't pay her.

imagur

It's time for Gravy to have a Knighthood, a true honour to Bisto upon him.

Bryn Mawr;1507090 wrote: It's time for Gravy to have a Knighthood, a true honour to Bisto upon him.


I must admit, I had to look that up.

tude dog;1507092 wrote: I must admit, I had to look that up.


Me too.

The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again asked readers to

take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting or

changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

Read them carefully. Each is an artificial

word with only one letter altered to form a real word. Some are

terrifically innovative:







1. Intaxication : Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until

you realize it was your money to start with.



2. Reintarnation : Coming back to life as a hillbilly.



3. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops

bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately,

shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.



4. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the

subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.



5. Giraffiti : Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.



6. Sarchasm : The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the

person who doesn't get it.



7. Inoculatte : To take coffee intravenously when you are

running late.



8. Hipatitis : Terminal coolness.



9. Osteopornosis : A degenerate disease. (This one got extracredit.)



10. Karmageddon : It's like, when everybody is sending off all these

really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's,

like, a serious bummer.

11. Decafalon (n.): The gruelling event of getting through the day

consuming only things that are good for you.

12. Glibido: All talk and no action.

13. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when

they come at you rapidly.

14. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after

you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

15. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your

bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

16. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in

the fruit you're eating.



And The #1 pick:



17. Ignoranus : A person who's both stupid and an a**hole.

tude dog;1507092 wrote: I must admit, I had to look that up.


Ah, that must be a local joke then - it worked well for me

Have you seen the new hotel right next to the dividing wall in Bethlehem - they've called it the Walledoff Hotel :-

Banksy hotel, The Walled Off, opens in Bethlehem - BBC News

Bryn Mawr;1507106 wrote: Have you seen the new hotel right next to the dividing wall in Bethlehem - they've called it the Walledoff Hotel :-

Banksy hotel, The Walled Off, opens in Bethlehem - BBC News


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Bryn Mawr;1507105 wrote: Ah, that must be a local joke then - it worked well for me


Local, yes. But it worked for me.

Two vomits were walking around a neighbourhood and one vomit began choking back tears and the other vomit asked why he was crying.

The vomit sobbing replied ,this street is where i was brought up.

If you are Russian when you go into a bathroom and Finnish when you come out, what are your in between?

European

Omg! I actually had to think about that. Thats hilarious!.

tude dog;1507354 wrote: If you are Russian when you go into a bathroom and Finnish when you come out, what are your in between?

European


That IS funny!! :yh_rotfl

tude dog;1507354 wrote: If you are Russian when you go into a bathroom and Finnish when you come out, what are your in between?

European


Magnificent :wah:

I repeated that pun yesterday in the pub. After a weird look and a seconds silence there was much laughter and discussion (mainly those explaining it to others) a grin and a shake of the head as men passed me to go to the toilet.

Keep em coming.!

I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

Two hats are hanging on a hat rack. One says to the other, "You stay here; I'll go on a head."