My outrageous dad?

Post by **Chloe_88** » Fri May 16, 2014 1:16 pm

People keep telling me my dad must be a hilarious man.

Well yes, I think he's funny. He has a great sense of humor but sometimes he must be a bit outrageous.

I just wonder if my dad is an outrageous hilarious man or maybe dutch people are just quite boring.

My dad and his friend were drunk one night, cycling back past a stretch of water.. Seen as one had a functioning front light and the other a functioning light on the back of the bike, they thought it would be a great idea to cycle close so the police would think they were on one bike..

They got their bikes tangled up together and ended up in the water filled with pondweed.

He came back home like some kind of log ness monster draped in pondweeds with just one shoe and as drunk as a skunk.

There was the time he thought his boss was giving him a christmas tree with bollocks and a cat called casper.. In fact it was a christmas tree with 'kluit' (with a pot) and a 'kerstpakket' (christmas box).

He managed to pee over the electric alarm clock (obviously he was a bit pissed and forgot where he was :wah: ).

This was all in the 90's.

Skipping ahead in time to this year.. He had a heart attack on the 17th of february. When the GP told him the ambulance was on it's way, he rushed up the stairs.

He said there was no way he was going in to hospital with sweaty bollocks.

When in hosptial, he decided he needed a pee but he was hooked up to the heart monitor, so he had limited movement. Standing next to the bed he realised he couldn't reach the window curtains, so he decided ***** it, just whip it out, pee in the bottle smile proudly and wave at the patients across from him.

After that they put him on a wireless heart monitor so he decided to go off for a little stroll. He went all the way to the front of the hospital to buy himself a snack (I knew I shouldn't have given him any money!). The nurse was so cross when he got back, seen as all the alarm bells where ringing that he had gone â€œout of wireless rangeâ€.

Back home from hospital, he's now brewing his own beer. Eventhough there is still something not quite right in the heart department, he's testing his beers as they are ready.. Ginger beer, pear cider, apple cider, stout, IPA beer and it goes on.

Then he went on to tell me today, the only reason he still goes to the pelvic floor clinic (I hope that translated correctly) is that he gets touched up for free!

He still tells me he was a spitfire pilot in the war (he's 56). He also until this day says to me: see that black spot near the moon? That's my spaceship, I left the lights on, but I forgot how to beam myself back up.

To cut a long story short, are the dutch so boring or is my dad just so outrageous?

I don't really care, he makes all of us laugh and I love him for being himself.

fuzzywuzzy · Post by **fuzzywuzzy** » Fri May 16, 2014 1:26 pm

Your dad sounds like a lot of men I know . Pelvic floor clinic? does your dad have lady bits?

Post by **Chloe_88** » Fri May 16, 2014 1:30 pm

hahah nope! (I hope not! :wah: ) but they thought his prostate was playing up but turned out the muscles in the pelvic floor were too tense.

Post by **Oscar Namechange** » Fri May 16, 2014 1:39 pm

And long may your Dad thrive and prosper Chloe. The world needs people like your Dad.

Unfortunately, my Father was somber In the extreme. Well, he was a member of the Tory Party which explains a lot. He was the kind of man that you had to dissect jokes for because he just never got It. As a child I was forced to endure Cricket matches every Sunday, child abuse I called It. He had a way of peering at you over his spectacles and It was enough to stop you dead In your tracks.

However, I am pleased to say that his offspring are bonkers. Got to love my brother who sent me a photograph of his latest stunt. He's superglued a telephone 20 feet up a tree outside his house.

Post by **Chloe_88** » Fri May 16, 2014 2:22 pm

Oscar Mate;1454344 wrote: And long may your Dad thrive and prosper Chloe. The world needs people like your Dad.

Unfortunately, my Father was somber In the extreme. Well, he was a member of the Tory Party which explains a lot. He was the kind of man that you had to dissect jokes for because he just never got It. As a child I was forced to endure Cricket matches every Sunday, child abuse I called It. He had a way of peering at you over his spectacles and It was enough to stop you dead In your tracks.

However, I am pleased to say that his offspring are bonkers. Got to love my brother who sent me a photograph of his latest stunt. He's superglued a telephone 20 feet up a tree outside his house.

believe me the world would be a messy humerous place if there were more of my dad walking about..! :wah: and why did your brother superglue a phone to a tree???? :wah:

Bruv · Post by **Bruv** » Fri May 16, 2014 2:35 pm

Chloe_88;1454358 wrote: ................ why did your brother superglue a phone to a tree???? :wah:
................... he ran out of cellotape

Bruv · Post by **Bruv** » Fri May 16, 2014 2:37 pm

Is he Dutch or English, if he is Dutch he is nutty.......if he is English he is eccentric

Post by **Oscar Namechange** » Fri May 16, 2014 2:47 pm

Chloe_88;1454358 wrote: believe me the world would be a messy humerous place if there were more of my dad walking about..! :wah: and why did your brother superglue a phone to a tree???? :wah:

Just so he could look out his window at the people walking along his road, stopping, looking up and saying WTF ?????

It was nearly as good as the time my eldest brother went on holiday and we put his house up for sale.

Lady J · Post by **Lady J** » Fri May 16, 2014 8:28 pm

Chloe_88;1454334 wrote:

I don't really care, he makes all of us laugh and I love him for being himself.

Isn't that what family is all about? Great share and I would luv to meet your dad and the rest of the family!!

Lady J · Post by **Lady J** » Fri May 16, 2014 8:31 pm

Oscar Mate;1454367 wrote: It was nearly as good as the time my eldest brother went on holiday and we put his house up for sale.

OH my! Remind me never to let you house sit! :wah:

Post by **Chloe_88** » Sat May 17, 2014 12:57 am

Bruv;1454365 wrote: Is he Dutch or English, if he is Dutch he is nutty.......if he is English he is eccentric

English! We all are, but moved to the Netherlands 24 years ago. Even though I was just a baby, I cant say i feel like a Dutch person, although when in England, I don't feel English! :wah:

Post by **Chloe_88** » Sat May 17, 2014 12:58 am

Oscar Mate;1454367 wrote: Just so he could look out his window at the people walking along his road, stopping, looking up and saying WTF ?????

It was nearly as good as the time my eldest brother went on holiday and we put his house up for sale.

:wah:

reminds me a bit of my brother!

fuzzywuzzy · Post by **fuzzywuzzy** » Sat May 17, 2014 3:13 am

I thought super glue only worked on human skin?

Post by **Oscar Namechange** » Sat May 17, 2014 8:04 am

Bruv;1454364 wrote: ................... he ran out of cellotape Or even Sellotape

Sellotape

Bruv · Post by **Bruv** » Sat May 17, 2014 9:32 am

Chloe_88;1454398 wrote: English! We all are, but moved to the Netherlands 24 years ago. Even though I was just a baby, I cant say i feel like a Dutch person, although when in England, I don't feel English! :wah:

Why the Netherlands ? It's not a place people think of first to emigrate.

Bruv · Post by **Bruv** » Sat May 17, 2014 9:33 am

Oscar Mate;1454419 wrote: Or even Sellotape

I can't afford the real one always buy the cheap one.

fuzzywuzzy · Post by **fuzzywuzzy** » Sat May 17, 2014 3:22 pm

We call it sticky tape......... cause like it's a tape and it sticks things together. I've never heard of selloing something together.

fuzzywuzzy · Post by **fuzzywuzzy** » Sat May 17, 2014 4:25 pm

Chloe_88;1454342 wrote: hahah nope! (I hope not! :wah: ) but they thought his prostate was playing up but turned out the muscles in the pelvic floor were too tense.

So basically what you're saying is...your dads a tight arse? and he's not even scottish?

:yh_rotfl:yh_rotfl

Post by **Chloe_88** » Sun May 18, 2014 10:36 am

Bruv;1454425 wrote: Why the Netherlands ? It's not a place people think of first to emigrate.

My dad went of for a nice place to emigrate to. They thought of australia but I don't know why that plan fell through.. looked at germany didn't like it. And well Holland is where my grandad lived with his new wife. My parents visited here (north of holland) a couple of times and they seemed to like it, lots of green etc. so they moved!

Post by **Chloe_88** » Sun May 18, 2014 10:39 am

So my mum said to post a little something else on the forum.. it happend somewhere in the 90's.. (it's a part of her book she had written about the move to Holland and the first years). It's when we went on holiday to Germany:

Germany was lovely and we traipsed about in the hills with Peter pointed out all kinds of wildlife he hadnâ€™t seen such as an adder that was actually a stick, a deer that he insisted was a moose and various birds that he told the children were anything from eagles to pterodactyls.

One night Ryan called us into his room, he said that he had woken up and found a mouse sitting on the end of his bed. I thought he had most likely been dreaming but I told him not to worry, mice donâ€™t eat much, and I settled him back down.

I suppose the' mouse' must have played on Peters mind, because in the middle of the night he suddenly threw back the blankets yelled â€˜mouseâ€™ and slapped his hand down hard on the offending creature. He then leaped out of bed yelping in pain and as he hopped around the bedroom holding those body parts most precious to a man, I tried to figure out exactly what had just happened. At first I thought he had been bitten by something but it turned out that he had felt something brush his leg while he slept and with the mouse in mind, he had thrown back the covers and catching sight of something moving in the dim light of the bedroom he had taken no chances.

Forgetting that he was sleeping in the nude he had slapped what he thought was a mouse, only to find that he had slapped a vital part of his own anatomy.

Bruv · Post by **Bruv** » Sun May 18, 2014 10:50 am

Chloe_88;1454579 wrote: My dad went of for a nice place to emigrate to. They thought of australia but I don't know why that plan fell through.. looked at germany didn't like it. And well Holland is where my grandad lived with his new wife. My parents visited here (north of holland) a couple of times and they seemed to like it, lots of green etc. so they moved!

Fair enough, didn't like England very much then ?

Poor Peter

Post by **Chloe_88** » Sun May 18, 2014 11:26 am

Bruv;1454582 wrote: Fair enough, didn't like England very much then ?

Well they thought England was going downhill.. one night when my mum was walking back from the fish and chip shop, some guys jumped out of an alley, then said to my mum: oh I didn't realize you had a dog.. that and work for my dad was going downhill too.

Post by **Bryn Mawr** » Tue May 27, 2014 3:22 pm

Chloe_88;1454580 wrote: So my mum said to post a little something else on the forum.. it happend somewhere in the 90's.. (it's a part of her book she had written about the move to Holland and the first years). It's when we went on holiday to Germany:

Germany was lovely and we traipsed about in the hills with Peter pointed out all kinds of wildlife he hadnâ€™t seen such as an adder that was actually a stick, a deer that he insisted was a moose and various birds that he told the children were anything from eagles to pterodactyls.

One night Ryan called us into his room, he said that he had woken up and found a mouse sitting on the end of his bed. I thought he had most likely been dreaming but I told him not to worry, mice donâ€™t eat much, and I settled him back down.

I suppose the' mouse' must have played on Peters mind, because in the middle of the night he suddenly threw back the blankets yelled â€˜mouseâ€™ and slapped his hand down hard on the offending creature. He then leaped out of bed yelping in pain and as he hopped around the bedroom holding those body parts most precious to a man, I tried to figure out exactly what had just happened. At first I thought he had been bitten by something but it turned out that he had felt something brush his leg while he slept and with the mouse in mind, he had thrown back the covers and catching sight of something moving in the dim light of the bedroom he had taken no chances.

Forgetting that he was sleeping in the nude he had slapped what he thought was a mouse, only to find that he had slapped a vital part of his own anatomy.

Thank you - I've just covered the screen and keyboard

fuzzywuzzy · Post by **fuzzywuzzy** » Tue May 27, 2014 3:52 pm

Yeah I've done that...........what was the beverage of your choice?

Post by **Bryn Mawr** » Tue May 27, 2014 4:06 pm

fuzzywuzzy;1455665 wrote: Yeah I've done that...........what was the beverage of your choice?

Sadly, nowadays it's redbush

Post by **Chloe_88** » Thu May 29, 2014 12:23 am

:wah: