The Gyp Church.

Post by **jones jones** » Wed Oct 19, 2011 1:58 am

Often when I take a break from my writing and I need a laugh, I tune in to TBN, Trinity Broadcasting Network and watch the televangelists perform. Odd thing for an atheist to do you might think, but they have given me a great idea.

I am considering forming my own church/cult or whatever you’d like to call it. My church/cult will be known as “The Guarantee You Paradise Church” or The GYP Church for short. Membership will cost a mere fifty dollars or pounds or Euros a month … a paltry six hundred per annum and you will not have to purchase any books or CDs. In fact you won’t even be required to attend my church. Now wait until you hear what you are going to get in return for your yearly donation.

You will receive my personal written guarantee that when you die/expire/pass on/fall off the perch, your soul will immediately, yes immediately go directly to heaven. No dilly-dallying around in Purgatory, no waiting in line for St. Peter to check your ID. No you will be whisked away on the paradise express directly to heaven!

But wait that’s not all! If when you die you do NOT go directly to heaven, I will personally refund every cent you donated to me during your lifetime! Now where and in what other religion/cult/church on this planet will you find anything like this?

(Terms and Conditions Apply.)

Lady J · Post by **Lady J** » Wed Oct 19, 2011 7:57 pm

Ya know J....I bet a few would buy into this! Sad isn't it. People will do anything for redemption....an atonement for their human sins, trying to buy back what was given to them that they misused. Good thread.....tongue-in-cheek style.....so YOU!

gmc · Post by **gmc** » Thu Oct 20, 2011 1:36 am

jones jones;1372997 wrote: Often when I take a break from my writing and I need a laugh, I tune in to TBN, Trinity Broadcasting Network and watch the televangelists perform. Odd thing for an atheist to do you might think, but they have given me a great idea.

I am considering forming my own church/cult or whatever you’d like to call it. My church/cult will be known as “The Guarantee You Paradise Church” or The GYP Church for short. Membership will cost a mere fifty dollars or pounds or Euros a month … a paltry six hundred per annum and you will not have to purchase any books or CDs. In fact you won’t even be required to attend my church. Now wait until you hear what you are going to get in return for your yearly donation.

You will receive my personal written guarantee that when you die/expire/pass on/fall off the perch, your soul will immediately, yes immediately go directly to heaven. No dilly-dallying around in Purgatory, no waiting in line for St. Peter to check your ID. No you will be whisked away on the paradise express directly to heaven!

But wait that’s not all! If when you die you do NOT go directly to heaven, I will personally refund every cent you donated to me during your lifetime! Now where and in what other religion/cult/church on this planet will you find anything like this?

(Terms and Conditions Apply.)

You should try godtv. The end of times is nigh apparently. The really frightening thing is it's UK based.

Snooz · Post by **Snooz** » Thu Oct 20, 2011 4:36 am

I've been joking about starting my own church since the first time I heard of the Crystal Cathedral and thought it'd be cool to have a fancy building to show how important I am.

Post by **Oscar Namechange** » Thu Oct 20, 2011 1:49 pm

Lady J;1373068 wrote: Ya know J....I bet a few would buy into this! Sad isn't it. People will do anything for redemption....an atonement for their human sins, trying to buy back what was given to them that they misused. Good thread.....tongue-in-cheek style.....so YOU!
Not me...I'm perfect already.

Richard Bell · Post by **Richard Bell** » Fri Oct 21, 2011 9:35 pm

It's been done.

J.R. "Bob" Dobbs, High Epopt of The Church Of The SubGenius guarantees you eternal salvation for a one time fee of US$35, or TRIPLE your money back (less administration charges). The Church also promises you "action - thrills - success in sex and business".

Paid members are ordained as SubGenius ministers. Proud to say I'm one of 'em!

Praise "Bob"!

Pamphlet #1 - intro

Infinite light · Post by **Infinite light** » Fri Nov 04, 2011 10:51 am

If you are like me, you may find what comes out of the mouths of some--no most--televangelists to be audacious and idiotic. The one I love to hate most is Benny Hinn. I haven't seen much of him lately, though. Sometimes I like to watch him, just so I can hate him up close. Joel Osteen is handsome and smoothtalking. He keeps telling me God's going to bless me and that my "season" is just around the corner. But from what I can see, he's the one with all the blessings. How many millions has that guy made telling people what they want to hear, couched in religious lies. He's rich, handsome, loved and respected--we all should be so lucky. It's a racket these conmen are running. It's all based on halftruths, false promises, and downright lies. I hope they--televangelists--burn in the hell they preach.

Post by **jones jones** » Fri Nov 04, 2011 10:57 am

Well at least in The Gyp Church the bullshit will be in plain Emglish!

Ahso! · Post by **Ahso!** » Fri Nov 04, 2011 10:59 am

Infinite light;1374431 wrote: If you are like me, you may find what comes out of the mouths of some--no most--televangelists to be audacious and idiotic. The one I love to hate most is Benny Hinn. I haven't seen much of him lately, though. Sometimes I like to watch him, just so I can hate him up close. Joel Osteen is handsome and smoothtalking. He keeps telling me God's going to bless me and that my "season" is just around the corner. But from what I can see, he's the one with all the blessings. How many millions has that guy made telling people what they want to hear, couched in religious lies. He's rich, handsome, loved and respected--we all should be so lucky. It's a racket these conmen are running. It's all based on halftruths, false promises, and downright lies. I hope they--televangelists--burn in the hell they preach.They are!