ForumGarden

My ex husband has just been diagnosed with bipolar. He had been taking meds for depression when we were married but stopped after we separated. When he was hospitalized a couple of weeks ago I found out he had been suicidal a number of times over the years. We have a daughter together. He has a daughter. I can't fathom how he could consider killing himself with such an amazing kid to live for but it's not him that thinks of it, it's the illness.

I'm still working through anger towards him, that he didn't get help earlier, that our daughter acts like his caregiver, that even though it's not his fault, he hasn't apologized to her that she has to visit him in a psych ward and for lying to her for so long. Keeping in mind that I'm angry, I do know it's his illness that gets in the way and I've heard him talk about the world in such hopeless terms I believe he genuinely thinks no one would miss him. It can sound like a "nobody loves me" over dramatic bid for attention that is easy to roll eyes at but his seratonin levels are so low his mind can't reason or process normally.

At this point, we are only faced with his occasional desire to kill himself and the worry that we won't see it coming. At some point we might be faced with having lost him.

I moved this from another thread.

I've spent the day trying to fashion a letter to my ex. He hasn't tried to contact me about our daughter, his illness, or to inform me of his diagnosis. I only found out he was in the hospital because my daughter told me during one of her days that was supposed to be spent at his house. I don't want to add to his stress while he's dealing with losing his current relationship and new child that's only a year old, but think the best time to discuss his condition and changes in our arrangements is while he is surrounded by doctors.

I know a few bipolar people and there is no reason they can't be good parents... if they are managing the disorder. I currently have no reason to trust that he will stay on medication or inform me when he is having an episode. My first fear is that my daughter will find him dead one day. It seems an irrational fear except that I've been told by his recent girlfriend that he was suicidal and I had no idea. So much for our agreement to communicate. So much for my thinking that I know him well enough.

Struggling to figure out how to balance out my fears without cutting my daughter off from her dad.

I'm sorry you and your daughter along with your former husband are faced with this. You're probably as intelligent a person as I've come across and am confident you'll figure things out which will have everyone's best interests at heart.

My only advice is age appropriate complete and consistent open honest dialogue with your daughter, at least that would be my approach.

Best of luck!

Consistency is the key and likely the problem. The disorder is all about lack of consistency. He blamed me for his depression when he went off his meds the first time. Hopefully the diagnosis from specialists instead of just his GP will keep him from thinking it was his last girlfriend who caused it this time.

I decided that the only significant thing I could say to him about suicide is that his daughters would wonder for the rest of their lives why they weren't good enough for him. He does truly love his kids if not himself or anyone else.