Classic Insults!

pointedroof · Post by **pointedroof** » Thu May 20, 2010 10:31 am

:-3These glorious insults are "works of art" from an era before the English language got boiled down to 4-letter words.

"He had delusions of adequacy."

- Walter Kerr

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire."

- Winston Churchill

"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure."

- Clarence Darrow

"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary."

- William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).

'Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?'

- Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)

"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it."

- Moses Hadas

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it."

- Mark Twain

"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends."

- Oscar Wilde

"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend.... if you have one."

- George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill

"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is one."

- Winston Churchill, in response.

"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here."

- Stephen Bishop

"He is a self-made man and worships his creator."

- John Bright

"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial."

- Irvin S. Cobb

"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others."

- Samuel Johnson

"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up."

- Paul Keating

"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily."

- Charles, Count Talleyrand

"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him.."

- Forrest Tucker

"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?"

- Mark Twain

"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork."

- Mae West

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go."

- Oscar Wilde

"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination."

- Andrew Lang (1844-1912)

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."

- Groucho Marx

'There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure.'

- Jack E. Leonard

'He has the attention span of a lightning bolt.'

- Robert Redford

'They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge.'

- Thomas Brackett Reed

'He has Van Gogh's ear for music.'

- Billy Wilder

'He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.'

- Abraham Lincoln

'A modest little person, with much to be modest about. '

- Winston Churchill

The exchange between Churchill & Lady Astor:

She said, "If you were my husband I'd give you poison."

He said, "If you were my wife, I'd drink it."

A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease.

"That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."

gmc · Post by **gmc** » Fri May 21, 2010 6:17 am

These glorious insults are "works of art" from an era before the English language got boiled down to 4-letter words.

I blame the americans. We've had to adapt the language and simplify it so they can tell when they have been insulted.:sneaky:

hoppy · Post by **hoppy** » Fri May 21, 2010 6:48 am

gmc;1311503 wrote: I blame the americans. We've had to adapt the language and simplify it so they can tell when they have been insulted.:sneaky:

Oh yeah? Well, so's your mommy.

gmc · Post by **gmc** » Fri May 21, 2010 8:06 am

hoppy;1311512 wrote:

Oh yeah? Well, so's your mommy.

You know hoppy despite sometimes extreme provocation I try to be civil to people and not get personal even if someone is personally insulting. I am no longer surprised you think everybody is aggressive and out to put you down because every comment you seem to think is aimed at you personally and you seem to take delight in trying to provoke people. If you are this obnoxious in real life people either just ignore you or on the odd occasion turn round and belt you one.

You have succeeded in being provocative on this occasion - you just put yourself beyond the pale so far as I am concerned. You're an obnoxious wee nyaff and so far as I am concerned you can go and play with yourself up a dark alley somewhere.

beowulf · Post by **beowulf** » Fri May 21, 2010 9:25 am

and people ask me why i post less and less

Odie · Post by **Odie** » Fri May 21, 2010 9:47 am

"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here.":yh_rotfl

Richard Bell · Post by **Richard Bell** » Fri May 21, 2010 9:54 am

Thanks for posting these, pointedroof. That was fun to read!

My favourite Churchill retort happened when a woman on the street noticed Churchill had been drinking, and remarked "why, Mr. Churchill! You're drunk!", to which Churchill replied "it's true,madam, but in the morning I shall be sober...and you will still be ugly."

I'm quoting from memory, so I may have changed a word or two, but that was the gist of it.

Richard Bell · Post by **Richard Bell** » Fri May 21, 2010 9:59 am

gmc;1311530 wrote: You know hoppy despite sometimes extreme provocation I try to be civil to people and not get personal even if someone is personally insulting. I am no longer surprised you think everybody is aggressive and out to put you down because every comment you seem to think is aimed at you personally and you seem to take delight in trying to provoke people. If you are this obnoxious in real life people either just ignore you or on the odd occasion turn round and belt you one.

You have succeeded in being provocative on this occasion - you just put yourself beyond the pale so far as I am concerned. You're an obnoxious wee nyaff and so far as I am concerned you can go and play with yourself up a dark alley somewhere.

I have employed the "Ignore" function here to filter out those I find to be disagreeable, and it has made FG a better experience for me.

Fortunately, the list is very, very short.

YZGI · Post by **YZGI** » Fri May 21, 2010 10:02 am

beowulf;1311546 wrote: and people ask me why i post less and less
Which post insulted you?

hoppy · Post by **hoppy** » Fri May 21, 2010 10:29 am

gmc;1311503 wrote: I blame the americans. We've had to adapt the language and simplify it so they can tell when they have been insulted.:sneaky:

Gee, gmc. No one else directed any insults at anyone, but you. You insulted ALL Americans, then get your soccer panties in a knot at a return insult. Know what gmc? g* ******* Y*******

beowulf · Post by **beowulf** » Fri May 21, 2010 12:24 pm

YZGI;1311561 wrote: Which post insulted you?

who said post?.............i mean threads!.............i mean seeing people taking cheap shots at each other.....i mean people acting like idiots...i see a lot of bullshit on here, and to be frank, its boring.....been there, seen that already

ive not been here very long but recently ive been coming here to post less and less.........now im starting to get to know people im liking the place less and less....i see animosity between people and its not nice

sorry but thats how it is.........................i will probably get a repremand or be banned for saying so................seen that happen here so i know it happens...but hey ho

pointedroof · Post by **pointedroof** » Sun May 23, 2010 5:02 am

Wow, if I'd realised this post would cause so much aggravation I wouldn't have posted it.

Shame you guys can't just see the humour in it without getting yourselves in a knot and pointing cheap shots at each other.

Calm down and be nice ffs!! :-5

hoppy · Post by **hoppy** » Sun May 23, 2010 6:07 am

pointedroof;1311845 wrote: Wow, if I'd realised this post would cause so much aggravation I wouldn't have posted it.

Shame you guys can't just see the humour in it without getting yourselves in a knot and pointing cheap shots at each other.

Calm down and be nice ffs!! :-5

Nothing wrong with your post. Some posters feel they must attack the nationality or religion of others at every opportunity.

gmc · Post by **gmc** » Wed May 26, 2010 2:33 pm

hoppy;1311866 wrote: Nothing wrong with your post. Some posters feel they must attack the nationality or religion of others at every opportunity.

You need to learn how to distinguish when someone is teasing, pulling your leg, taking the **** and actually trying to insult you. nationality is fair game for making fun of the differences. Say what you like about the British no one in the UK is going to care.

Disagreeing with a nations policy doesn't mean you hate or dislike that nationality. If you read what our press say about other Europeans or indeed what the scots, English, welsh and irish say about each other you would think we hate each other. Don't watch the world cup as all those football fans shouting abuse at each other will offend your sensibilities. The sight of the american team being hammered by the english on the 12th of june will no doubt have you baying for blood at the unmitigated temerity of it. Although if you do win most of scotland will be pissing themselves with laughter.

Religion is fair game and if you don't like the fact that some do not share your religious belief and don't see why they should not express such opinions I suggest you keep away from the religious discussions. It's a discussion forum after all - if you can't handle people not agreeing with you or sharing your opinions join a knitting forum.

There is no need for references to family members and personal insults. If you really believe everything is about you and is a personal insult you have my sympathy.

hoppy · Post by **hoppy** » Wed May 26, 2010 5:22 pm

gmc;1312412 wrote: You need to learn how to distinguish when someone is teasing, pulling your leg, taking the **** and actually trying to insult you. nationality is fair game for making fun of the differences. Say what you like about the British no one in the UK is going to care.

Disagreeing with a nations policy doesn't mean you hate or dislike that nationality. If you read what our press say about other Europeans or indeed what the scots, English, welsh and irish say about each other you would think we hate each other. Don't watch the world cup as all those football fans shouting abuse at each other will offend your sensibilities. The sight of the american team being hammered by the english on the 12th of june will no doubt have you baying for blood at the unmitigated temerity of it. Although if you do win most of scotland will be pissing themselves with laughter.

Religion is fair game and if you don't like the fact that some do not share your religious belief and don't see why they should not express such opinions I suggest you keep away from the religious discussions. It's a discussion forum after all - if you can't handle people not agreeing with you or sharing your opinions join a knitting forum.

There is no need for references to family members and personal insults. If you really believe everything is about you and is a personal insult you have my sympathy.

Ok, ok. Life is too short to carry grudges. I already belong to a red neck forum. We talk about weather, tractors, crops, dogs, guns, deer and elk hunts, pick-up trucks and women. Got a few Canadians and an Aussie or two posting. But, we don't have any Scots or English members. That's why I come here. :wah:

Omni_Skittles · Post by **Omni_Skittles** » Thu May 27, 2010 12:25 am

hoppy;1311512 wrote:

Oh yeah? Well, so's your mommy.so's your face! hahaha go americans

YZGI · Post by **YZGI** » Thu May 27, 2010 7:05 am

gmc;1312412 wrote: You need to learn how to distinguish when someone is teasing, pulling your leg, taking the **** and actually trying to insult you. nationality is fair game for making fun of the differences. Say what you like about the British no one in the UK is going to care.

Disagreeing with a nations policy doesn't mean you hate or dislike that nationality. If you read what our press say about other Europeans or indeed what the scots, English, welsh and irish say about each other you would think we hate each other. Don't watch the world cup as all those football fans shouting abuse at each other will offend your sensibilities. The sight of the american team being hammered by the english on the 12th of june will no doubt have you baying for blood at the unmitigated temerity of it. Although if you do win most of scotland will be pissing themselves with laughter.

Religion is fair game and if you don't like the fact that some do not share your religious belief and don't see why they should not express such opinions I suggest you keep away from the religious discussions. It's a discussion forum after all - if you can't handle people not agreeing with you or sharing your opinions join a knitting forum.

There is no need for references to family members and personal insults. If you really believe everything is about you and is a personal insult you have my sympathy.
Momma jokes are common here. Check this out from Remember the tians.

YouTube - Remember the Titans~ Locker room scene

Post by **Peter Lake** » Thu May 27, 2010 9:36 am

Richard Bell;1311559 wrote: Thanks for posting these, pointedroof. That was fun to read!

My favourite Churchill retort happened when a woman on the street noticed Churchill had been drinking, and remarked "why, Mr. Churchill! You're drunk!", to which Churchill replied "it's true,madam, but in the morning I shall be sober...and you will still be ugly."

I'm quoting from memory, so I may have changed a word or two, but that was the gist of it. This is actually the wifes most favoured quote in history. The full quote being:

â€œ'You are drunk Sir Winston, you are disgustingly drunk. 'Yes, Mrs. Braddock, I am drunk. But you, Mrs. Braddock are ugly, and disgustingly fat. But, tomorrow morning, I, Winston Churchill will be sober.â€

Odie · Post by **Odie** » Thu May 27, 2010 7:05 pm

pointedroof;1311845 wrote: Wow, if I'd realised this post would cause so much aggravation I wouldn't have posted it.

Shame you guys can't just see the humour in it without getting yourselves in a knot and pointing cheap shots at each other.

Calm down and be nice ffs!! :-5

exactly.......those jokes were hilarious, just some have no sense of humor.

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.";)

Odie · Post by **Odie** » Thu May 27, 2010 7:07 pm

His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork."

- Mae West :yh_rotfl:yh_rotfl

gmc · Post by **gmc** » Mon May 31, 2010 7:43 am

Odie;1312553 wrote: exactly.......those jokes were hilarious, just some have no sense of humor.

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.";)

Some people need to develop a sense of humour when it comes to jokes about nationality.

YouTube - Austin Powers - The Best of Fat Bastard

I find that funny and have the sense to know it is not a personal insult. My english wife considers it hilarious

This is funny as well and not personal either. However, no doubt some will feel it anti american and take it as a personal insult.

YouTube - Hugh Laurie's song for America - A bit of Fry and Laurie - BBC sketch comedy

No doubt some others will be wondering what house is doing playing the piano.

hoppy · Post by **hoppy** » Mon May 31, 2010 5:01 pm

gmc;1313106 wrote: Some people need to develop a sense of humour when it comes to jokes about nationality.

YouTube - Austin Powers - The Best of Fat Bastard

I find that funny and have the sense to know it is not a personal insult. My english wife considers it hilarious

This is funny as well and not personal either. However, no doubt some will feel it anti american and take it as a personal insult.

YouTube - Hugh Laurie's song for America - A bit of Fry and Laurie - BBC sketch comedy

No doubt some others will be wondering what house is doing playing the piano.

And how do you know I didn't mean it as a joke when I wrote "Oh yeah, so is your mommy"? Over here that would be taken as a joke. Geeze Lou-eeze, chill out. If you don't know a joke from a rat turd, quit trying to be funny. :p

hoppy · Post by **hoppy** » Tue Jun 01, 2010 9:13 am

An older gentleman had an appointment to see the urologist who shared offices with several other doctors. The waiting room was filled with patients. As he approached the receptionist's desk, he noticed that the receptionist was a very unfriendly looking woman. He gave her his name.

In a very loud voice, the receptionist said, "YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE; YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?"

All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at the very embarrassed man. He recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied, 'NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS.'

The room erupted in applause!

DON'T MESS WITH OLD FOLKS.

Glaswegian · Post by **Glaswegian** » Tue Jun 01, 2010 9:29 am

hoppy;1313246 wrote: An older gentleman had an appointment to see the urologist who shared offices with several other doctors. The waiting room was filled with patients. As he approached the receptionist's desk, he noticed that the receptionist was a very unfriendly looking woman. He gave her his name.

In a very loud voice, the receptionist said, "YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE; YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?"
Did she let you see the doctor, hoppy?

gmc · Post by **gmc** » Tue Jun 01, 2010 11:10 am

hoppy;1313181 wrote: And how do you know I didn't mean it as a joke when I wrote "Oh yeah, so is your mommy"? Over here that would be taken as a joke. Geeze Lou-eeze, chill out. If you don't know a joke from a rat turd, quit trying to be funny. :p

In retrospect I assume that you did. So excuse my reaction. Over here that kind of humour is used by someone trying to provoke a violent reaction. On the other hand You seem to take umbrage at the slightest thing - especially the **** taking kind of jokes about americans. You'll find scots and english take the **** out of each other on a regular basis without getting worked up about it. Let's just forget it. there are distinct cultural differences when it comes to some forms of humour - you can't even spell it properly:sneaky:

hoppy · Post by **hoppy** » Tue Jun 01, 2010 1:54 pm

Glaswegian;1313249 wrote: Did she let you see the doctor, hoppy?

Not that day. Some Scotsman in a skirt was in there asking doc about a sex change.:yh_rotfl

hoppy · Post by **hoppy** » Tue Jun 01, 2010 2:01 pm

gmc;1313265 wrote: In retrospect I assume that you did. So excuse my reaction. Over here that kind of humour is used by someone trying to provoke a violent reaction. On the other hand You seem to take umbrage at the slightest thing - especially the **** taking kind of jokes about americans. You'll find scots and english take the **** out of each other on a regular basis without getting worked up about it. Let's just forget it. there are distinct cultural differences when it comes to some forms of humour - you can't even spell it properly:sneaky:

Ok. Sorry I sat on my spurs, as my gramps used to say.

fuzzywuzzy · Post by **fuzzywuzzy** » Tue Jun 22, 2010 5:05 pm

" If your dick is as big as your mouth I'd be interested." :yh_rotfl

Odie · Post by **Odie** » Tue Jun 22, 2010 5:28 pm

fuzzywuzzy;1318099 wrote: " If your dick is as big as your mouth I'd be interested." :yh_rotfl

your just bad, but I love it!:yh_rotfl

Odie · Post by **Odie** » Tue Jun 22, 2010 5:37 pm

Sure, I've seen people like you before - but I had to pay an admission...:yh_rotfl