quotes from actual doctors.

[pointedroof]

1. A man comes into the ER and yells . . .'

My wife's going to have her baby in the cab.'

I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress and began to take off her underwear.

Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs - - -

and I was in the wrong one.

2. At the beginning of my shift

I placed a stethoscope on an elderly

and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall.

'Big breaths,'. . . I instructed.

'Yes, they used to be,'. . .replied the patient.

3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad

news when I told a wife that her husband had

died of a massive myocardial infarct.

Not more than five minutes later, I heard her

reporting to the rest of the family that he had

died of a 'massive internal fart.'

4. During a patient's two week follow-up

appointment with his cardiologist, he informed

me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with

one of his medications..

' Which one ?'. .. . I asked. 'The patch...

The Nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it !'

I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped

I wouldn't see.

Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body!

Now, the instructions include removal of

the old patch before applying a new one.



5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient,

I asked, 'How long have you been bedridden?'

After a look of complete confusion she answered . . .

' Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive.'

6. I was performing rounds at the

hospital one morning and while checking

up on a man I asked . . .' So how's your

breakfast this morning?' ' It's very good

except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem

to get used to the taste.'. .. . Bob replied.

I then asked to see the jelly and Bob produced

a foil packet labeled 'KY Jelly.'

7. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room

when a young woman with purple hair styled

into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety

of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing,

entered . . . It was quickly determined that

the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was

scheduled for immediate surgery.. When she was completely disrobed on the operating

table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had

been dyed green and above it there was a

tattoo that read . . .' Keep off the grass.'

Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon

wrote a short note on the patient's dressing,

which said 'Sorry . . . had to mow the lawn.'

8. As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB.

I was quite embarrassed when performing female

pelvic exams... To cover my embarrassment

I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly.

The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing

and further embarrassing me.

I looked up from my work and sheepishly said. . .

' I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?'

She replied with tears running down

her cheeks from laughing so hard . . .

' No doctor but the song you were whistling was . . .

' I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener .' '

9.

Baby's First Doctor Visit

This made me laugh out loud. my favorite



in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam....

doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.

'Breast-fed,' she replied..

'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered.

She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.

Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, 'No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk.'

I know,' she said, 'I'm his Grandma,

But I'm glad I came.

:-3