ForumGarden

During the wedding reception in the family's southern mansion, the bride's Granddaddy slipped her five $100 bills and told her that it was for her and to keep it for "mad money", so she stuffed them in her gloves.

By family tradition, the couple spent their first night together in their historic plantation house.

Later that night, after all the guests had left, the bride's Grandmother saw her sneaking down the stairs , and asked where she was going.

"I left my gloves in the library, Grand-MaMa, and it's important that I have them."

"Oh you youngsters!" the Grandmother sighed. "You march yourself right back upstairs and grab hold of that damm thing with your bare hands just like I did your Grandfather's."

While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft. Spotting an old beach comber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted,

"Are there any gators around here?!"

"Naw," the man hollered back, "they ain't been around for years!"

Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore. About halfway there he asked the guy, "How'd you get rid of the gators?"

"We didn't do nothin'," the beachcomber said. "The sharks got 'em."

The three elderley men in the old folks home having a chat one day.

The 80 year old complains that he has trouble with his waterworks and has to keep going for a pee.

The 85 year old who has problems emptying his bowels each day, he sometimes finds it rather difficult.

The 90 year old tells them that he has absolutely no problems.

Each morning at 7 o'clock he empties his bladder and each morning at 7:30 he empties his bowels in a nice smooth movement.

“You're lucky! said the two youngsters.

“Not really, said the old timer, “I don't wake up until 8 o’clock.



Ewwwwwwwww! :p

A man wakes up in hospital, bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says 'Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the motorway. You're going to be OK, you'll walk again, everything, but something happened. I'm trying to break this gently but your bits were chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find them.

Now the bloke groans a bit but the doctor goes on,

'You've got $9000 compensation coming to you and we have the technology now to build you a new one that will work as well as your old one did, better in fact. But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's a thousand dollars an inch.

The bloke perks up at this.

'So the thing is' the doctor says, 'it's for you to decide how many inches you want. It's something you'd better discuss with your wife.I mean, if you had a five inch one before and you decide to go for a nineincher she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before and decide only to invest in a five incher this time she might be disappointed. So it's important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision.

So the bloke agrees to talk with his wife and the doctor comes back the next day.

'So' says the doctor 'Have you spoken with your wife?

''I have.' says the fellow.

'And has she helped you in making the decision?'

'She has' says the bloke.

'And what is it?' asks the doctor.

'We're having a new kitchen'.

A crusty old Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event, hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for some conversation.

She said, "Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"

"Negative, ma'am," the Sergeant Major replied, "Just serious by nature."

The young lady looked at his awards, medals and decorations and said, "It looks like you've seen quite a lot of action."

The Sergeant Major's short reply was, "Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should just lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself..."

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.

Finally, deciding to take a different tack, the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"

The Sergeant Major looked at her and curtly replied, "1955, ma'am."

She gasped, "Well, there you are! You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955! Isn't that a little extreme?"

The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice,"Do you think so? It's only 2130 now..."