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Well, the story goes like this.



We have a couple that we get along famously with for the last three years. We go on outings with them, out to dinner with them, hang out together with them for hours in our backyard, all the good stuff. Several times after going out to dinner, we had them come back to our place for cake & coffee. They have never recriprocated. We thought oh well, no biggie, they just don't entertain.



Today, while the four of us are sitting in our backyard, they mention that they are going out to dinner tonight with some of their other friends we have never met.



Now here comes the problem! They mentioned to us that they are having these other friends come back to their house for cake & coffee!!? So they do entertain at their house, just not with us!

Are we being over sensitive?



Is there a tactful to find out why they don't have us over for C & C?

I think it would put my nose out of joint.

Not neccessarily advice but I would make a big joke about it, "Oh me and Mrs Snowfire were going to invite ourselves round....augh...laugh"

I like to meet things head on otherwise I might brood about them

cars;1165413 wrote: Well, the story goes like this.



We have a couple that we get along famously with for the last three years. We go on outings with them, out to dinner with them, hang out together with them for hours in our backyard, all the good stuff. Several times after going out to dinner, we had them come back to our place for cake & coffee. They have never recriprocated. We thought oh well, no biggie, they just don't entertain.



Today, while the four of us are sitting in our backyard, they mention that they are going out to dinner tonight with some of their other friends we have never met.



Now here comes the problem! They mentioned to us that they are having these other friends come back to their house for cake & coffee!!? So they do entertain at their house, just not with us!

Are we being over sensitive?



Is there a tactful to find out why they don't have us over for C & C?




is it because your always asking them back first?

Maybe your back yard is nicer than theirs and the other couple lives in an apartment on the 10th floor.

Maybe you could just say you would like to see their home sometime and see what the response is like.

Maybe your not missing out on much?

Maybe their not so proud of their residence?

Maybe they can't afford much as it seems?

Maybe they don't like you??? just kidding

Well, we had similar friends. Things were great and always at our house, knew them & extended family - as they ours.

Until they had a dinner party and we were not invited..?

It's not that we had to be invited - they're certainly entitled.

It certainly made me question the scenario. ??

So, it would seem - there are different class / ranks for people to mix ?

Met up with the couple soon after - not much was said @ dinner party.

It's now been @ 4 years - we don't see them at all, my choice. The issue did shine a different light on Her. Some jealousy surfaced, so I had to chalk it up to She has always been jealous of my personality - True Fact - people are like a magnet to me, for my comedy

and Her dinner party was for her attention, and didn't / couldn't compete.

Perhaps your Female friend soaks up as much from you & tries to emulate

that's why your not invited - your not suppose to see this..?

Just watch what you show her - tell her - teach her - then watch for it in Her..

This will dinner could create alittle friction in time??

Take it as a form of flattery for now - watch for furture Flattery...:yh_rotfl

Patsy

Thanks for your inputs, you've made several good points, one of them "us" not inviting them back for C & C. We have not invited them back to our place after the last two times we all went out to dinner. Time will tell, but it may turn out to be just one of those things to be tolerated to preserve the friendship. The thing that bothered us was, that they invited their other friends over for C & C, so they do know it should be done. And it's not that their place is unsightly, we've been in thier place to look at their newly painted sun room, & in addition not to mention, I have even installed curtin rods, & new door lock sets, fixed door hinges, for them & many other odd jobs as well, as the husband is not a handyman type guy.

That's not a problem for me, I enjoy doing little odd jobs, so . . . .

That's why we were looking to see if there was a tactful way to find out why they don't invite us over, but they do invite others. The only thing we can figure out is that they know the other friends all their lives, & we're the new kids on the block, so to speak. :-2

If you get along so famously why not speak to them, rather than silently punishing them for a perceived slight? You may have misinterpreted their actions. They might misinterpret your 'silent treatment' response. You could damage or destroy a great three-year relationship without ever bothering to find out what the problem is, if there is a problem at all.



If you express your concerns to them, what's the worst that could happen? Would it be worse than what you're risking now?

I'm with Snowfire. You missed a perfect opportunity when they said they were inviting someone else. You could have jokingly feigned being hurt that you're never invited over. You get along famously. You should be able to talk comfortably.

cars;1165497 wrote: Thanks for your inputs, you've made several good points, one of them "us" not inviting them back for C & C. We have not invited them back to our place after the last two times we all went out to dinner. Time will tell, but it may turn out to be just one of those things to be tolerated to preserve the friendship. The thing that bothered us was, that they invited their other friends over for C & C, so they do know it should be done. And it's not that their place is unsightly, we've been in thier place to look at their newly painted sun room, & in addition not to mention, I have even installed curtin rods, & new door lock sets, fixed door hinges, for them & many other odd jobs as well, as the husband is not a handyman type guy.

That's not a problem for me, I enjoy doing little odd jobs, so . . . .

That's why we were looking to see if there was a tactful way to find out why they don't invite us over, but they do invite others. The only thing we can figure out is that they know the other friends all their lives, & we're the new kids on the block, so to speak. :-2


since you get along so well, why not next time just say, lets go back to your place?

Acc & odie, the reason is cause we're not pushy people, & we would never, ever, invite ourselves on others!

That's why the initial question, what's a tactful way to bring it up without possiblely upsetting them? We were not upset not being invited over, until they told us about inviting the other friends for C & C. Why did they even mention it to us at all, there was no need to do that, or was there?

This sounds like a Seinfeld situation in progress... We need to come up with a scheme to get to the bottom of this... then you can tell us what was up with your friends!

cars;1165591 wrote: Acc & odie, the reason is cause we're not pushy people, & we would never, ever, invite ourselves on others!

That's why the initial question, what's a tactful way to bring it up without possiblely upsetting them? We were not upset not being invited over, until they told us about inviting the other friends for C & C. Why did they even mention it to us at all, there was no need to do that, or was there?


do you always suggest meeting up, or do they sometimes get in touch with you to meet up? it sounds as though you are thinking they dont realy class you as good friends as you have classed them?

If i was you i would maybe think the same though,,, why invite others and not us? and why tell us you are inviting someone? Maybe they just never thought of it I dont know ,, i think the mock hurt comment would have been a good one,, but too late now innit:rolleyes:

cars;1165591 wrote: Acc & odie, the reason is cause we're not pushy people, & we would never, ever, invite ourselves on others!

That's why the initial question, what's a tactful way to bring it up without possiblely upsetting them? We were not upset not being invited over, until they told us about inviting the other friends for C & C. Why did they even mention it to us at all, there was no need to do that, or was there?


It was kinda of strange they even brought it up?

Not being pushy, but if you like this couple so much, why not just ask her?

-or next time you go out.......don't ask them back and see what happens.

Next time you see them maybe tell them you would like to meet their other friends.

Maybe the 4 of you are merely doing what you always do. People are creatures of habit.

If Im to see my sister I always have to go there. She probably feels more relaxed in her own environment and to be honest the times they have come here they produced dust, smudges, marks on the floor and my nephew thought my home theatre system was something edible so Im happy to visit them.

Next time youre all together in a private setting could you nudge him on the shoulder and say hey wed like to visit you next time ? You know in a friendly way but with subtle threatening overtones. In a way that makes him wonder if hes in danger but not really sure.

Odie;1165617 wrote: It was kinda of strange they even brought it up?



Not being pushy, but if you like this couple so much, why not just ask her?



-or next time you go out.......don't ask them back and see what happens.


We have never been faced with a situation like this before with people we like. (If we didn't like them, then it really wouldn't matter, no skin off us)Thus, the initial question what to say?

We can't just say, why don't you ever invite us over for C & C, but you do invite others. How to go about it diplomatically is what is need here.

Does it make you happy to have them over to your house? Do all y'all have a good time? If so, what's the big deal? If it's money for snacks, just don't offer any once in a while.

Perhaps the people they had over had kids at home with a sitter and didn't want to disturb them. Maybe their house was the only one they could go to. Maybe your neighbor was a nervous wreck the whole time having them there but couldn't find a way out of it. Maybe she's just not a good hostess and is afraid you'll be too critical (not outloud) of her.

I think when we have people to our houses who have never been before in a social setting, it's makes us a little nervous.

Just ask them how the dinner and dessert was the other night with their friends. Maybe they'll tell ya and maybe they won't.

Are you really gonna worry about this and ruin a good friendship? Maybe it is like Patsy said and they just feel more comfortable around you guys cuz they look up to y'all.



Or, they're just weird. . . .:yh_eyebro

Accountable;1165635 wrote: Oh good lord! I've never heard of so much cloak & dagger stuff from people that are supposed to be friends. If you consider my suggestion as pushy then we're from different worlds. You really think of three-year friends with such suspicion?? Good luck finding another couple to get on famously with and hanging out with to not speak to. :rolleyes:
If you invited yourself over to my house for C & C, yes, you would be pushy!!! :rolleyes: Very pushy!

Originally Posted by Accountable

Oh good lord! I've never heard of so much cloak & dagger stuff from people that are supposed to be friends. If you consider my suggestion as pushy then we're from different worlds.



cars;1165660 wrote: If you invited yourself over to my house for C & C, yes, you would be pushy!!! :rolleyes: Very pushy!



On my 2nd day here I mentioned I lived on a lake and he invited his wife and himself up for vacation.

He'll invite himself anywhere !

Anyway hes always grumpy on Sunday morning.

IMO, they should have kept their mouths shut and not mentioned the going out to dinner with other peeps thing. Idiots.:wah:

Cars

It usually comes down to the Females yes or no to have company over...

That's why I felt this was a female issue. as stated

SHE - perhaps tries to emulate .

I don't see what the friendship time would have to do with meeting the other couple.??

You can ask how the dinner went? - you won't be satisified with the answer FINE.

Don't bother to ask - they'll know your bothered/irritated.

I would probably cut back on the Handy Man Jobs & being available. AND

What have they done for you? What do you get out of this friendship?

See if THEY initiate any invites.

Good Luck - I wouldn't approach this issue with them.

Patsy

Patsy Warnick;1165724 wrote: Cars

It usually comes down to the Females yes or no to have company over...

That's why I felt this was a female issue. as stated

SHE - perhaps tries to emulate .

I don't see what the friendship time would have to do with meeting the other couple.??

You can ask how the dinner went? - you won't be satisified with the answer FINE.

Don't bother to ask - they'll know your bothered/irritated.

I would probably cut back on the Handy Man Jobs & being available. AND

What have they done for you? What do you get out of this friendship?

See if THEY initiate any invites.

Good Luck - I wouldn't approach this issue with them.

Patsy


Where is Dear Abby when you really need her?

cars;1165621 wrote: We have never been faced with a situation like this before with people we like. (If we didn't like them, then it really wouldn't matter, no skin off us)Thus, the initial question what to say?

We can't just say, why don't you ever invite us over for C & C, but you do invite others. How to go about it diplomatically is what is need here.


not really sure there is a way......without just asking?

that's what friends do.

as said, next time you go out with them, all you can do is not invite them back to your place......wait and see if they will invite you.

or if you like them that much..........just leave it.

Yes qsd, they never should have mentioned the C & C invite of the others. What were they thinking?



Patsy, we like these people a lot, that's why it bothers us. Mainly my wife, as you wisely mentioned! And of course, then it gets to bother me!



And Nomad, then "he" shouldn't go on line till Noon!

Cars

of course it bothers your wife - it's her intuition speaking, then she brings it to your attention that it bothered her.

You see - she (your wife) feels julted

perhaps the upper crust was in town? and we're not good enough?

whatever alerted your wife hurt her feelings.

and so you step in for answers to protect her. natural response all the way around. but your wife will always have this doubt - trust issue from now on...

Obviously you don't know these friends as well as you thought.

good people - enjoy eachother - have fun - never friction - then "DINNER & C&C"..

why don't you kinda do a back round check on the couple your spending alot of time with.

Final decision is the Female's - it will not matter if either one of you ask them @ Dinner - you will not get much more than Fine. don't bother.

I say the female friend has the issue - and since this Other couple went to Dinner with your friends - if the conversation could be things they don't want new friends to know. past things not so proud of?there are only a couple of things for why?

should you ask - I say NO

if your wife wants to - one on one with female friend - I say go for the juglar..

Patsy

people do get used to a routine though. If they've always gone to your house maybe it just never occured to them to change things. If they are great friends otherwise then I wouldn't worry about it. :-6

Thanks Sunny, yes it might be that routine thing, as the other friends they went out with are "life long" friends they grew up with. So . . . .

cars;1165413 wrote: Well, the story goes like this.



We have a couple that we get along famously with for the last three years. We go on outings with them, out to dinner with them, hang out together with them for hours in our backyard, all the good stuff. Several times after going out to dinner, we had them come back to our place for cake & coffee. They have never recriprocated. We thought oh well, no biggie, they just don't entertain.



Today, while the four of us are sitting in our backyard, they mention that they are going out to dinner tonight with some of their other friends we have never met.



Now here comes the problem! They mentioned to us that they are having these other friends come back to their house for cake & coffee!!? So they do entertain at their house, just not with us!

Are we being over sensitive?



Is there a tactful to find out why they don't have us over for C & C?


I've been thinking abou this. For months and months, my house was a tip and we're still not straight yet. Builders stripped right down to the brick work to do plastering, re-wiring, re-plumbing etc etc. It has been impossible to have anyone in and we have had to make excuses for months. Could it be some-thing similar?

oscar;1166092 wrote: I've been thinking abou this. For months and months, my house was a tip and we're still not straight yet. Builders stripped right down to the brick work to do plastering, re-wiring, re-plumbing etc etc. It has been impossible to have anyone in and we have had to make excuses for months. Could it be some-thing similar?
Actually no oscar, thanks, they are not renovating or anything the like. We have been "in" their house even last week, just never invited "to" their house for C & C after us all going out to dinner. Go figure. My wife just will no longer invite them back to our place for C & C after us all going out to dinner.

(And the four of us are going out to dinner tomorrow, so . . . . )

cars;1166646 wrote: Actually no oscar, thanks, they are not renovating or anything the like. We have been "in" their house even last week, just never invited "to" their house for C & C after us all going out to dinner. Go figure. My wife just will no longer invite them back to our place for C & C after us all going out to dinner.

(And the four of us are going out to dinner tomorrow, so . . . . ) I can understand how Mrs Cars feels. Many decades ago, my eldest brother married and my mother became extremely hurt that she was never invited to their home yet my sister in-law had her parents over all the time. My mother was always inviting my brother and his wife for meals etc and after a very long time, my mum just stopped inviting them over. Then, she never got to see her son. It's a horrible situation.

Heck, haven't we all known people like this? I believe the problem is that your current friends don't like to share friends. They want all the attention from you and their other friends. If they had both sets of friends over to their house there is a danger of you and their other Friends hitting it off and becoming good friends. The problem is theirs, they are insecure in the friendship's they have and worry they will set up a friendship between the two of you and possibly lose out if you and the other friends get on fabulously then decide to not invite them over.

YZGI;1166820 wrote: Heck, haven't we all known people like this? I believe the problem is that your current friends don't like to share friends. They want all the attention from you and their other friends. If they had both sets of friends over to their house there is a danger of you and their other Friends hitting it off and becoming good friends. The problem is theirs, they are insecure in the friendship's they have and worry they will set up a friendship between the two of you and possibly lose out if you and the other friends get on fabulously then decide to not invite them over.


Frinds?:yh_rotfl

Well, we went out to dinner with our subject friends yesterday. And all was good, great meal, great conversation, lots of laughs. After dinner we each went to our respectives homes, with no mention of having C & C on anyone's part.

So, biggie, no hits, no runs, no errors,no worries, just remains a nice dinner had by all.

cars;1168730 wrote: Well, we went out to dinner with our subject friends yesterday. And all was good, great meal, great conversation, lots of laughs. After dinner we each went to our respectives homes, with no mention of having C & C on anyone's part.

So, biggie, no hits, no runs, no errors,no worries, just remains a nice dinner had by all.


Yeah, but in everybody's back of the mind thinking. You & wife did good by not inviting them and I'm wondering what was going through theirs?

cars;1168730 wrote: Well, we went out to dinner with our subject friends yesterday. And all was good, great meal, great conversation, lots of laughs. After dinner we each went to our respectives homes, with no mention of having C & C on anyone's part.

So, biggie, no hits, no runs, no errors,no worries, just remains a nice dinner had by all.


You two did really well!

It's obvious they don't entertain and perhaps it was a lie to make themselves look good.



but to remain friends, you really need to discuss this..........friends are open and honest.

Hello my friend Cars:-4



I do believe that when we do not communicate honestly with each other then nothing is resolved. We then fume and blame each other for misunderstandings and eventually end our relationship.



If you want to continue your relationship with these friends, and keep them as friends, you have to be honest and discuss your concerns with them. Otherwise, you just keep assuming and fretting about why this is happening....



It's best really to just step up to the plate and pose the question in a nice way as to why you're not invited to their home when others are. It would be good to do this over a cup of coffee. Maybe you could meet for breakfast and chat about it.



Cars, I've always been brought up to be polite and don't make ripples...don't start trouble and question things.... Just be quiet...shssssss.



Well, I'm still trying to overcome that attitude now and having more success with being honest about my feelings when I feel hurt about things. It's working:-6



I'm more successful now confronting people...always in a nice way:wah:



If you lose them as friends.....then they were never really you friends, were they?

Kathy Ellen;1168785 wrote: Hello my friend Cars:-4



I do believe that when we do not communicate honestly with each other then nothing is resolved. We then fume and blame each other for misunderstandings and eventually end our relationship.



If you want to continue your relationship with these friends, and keep them as friends, you have to be honest and discuss your concerns with them. Otherwise, you just keep assuming and fretting about why this is happening....



It's best really to just step up to the plate and pose the question in a nice way as to why you're not invited to their home when others are. It would be good to do this over a cup of coffee. Maybe you could meet for breakfast and chat about it.



Cars, I've always been brought up to be polite and don't make ripples...don't start trouble and question things.... Just be quiet...shssssss.



Well, I'm still trying to overcome that attitude now and having more success with being honest about my feelings when I feel hurt about things. It's working:-6



I'm more successful now confronting people...always in a nice way:wah:



If you lose them as friends.....then they were never really you friends, were they?
Hi KE my friend, thanks for your reply.:-4 Yes, the initial intent of the OP was to try to get "ideas of how to confront them" in a nice diplomatic way. Any suggestions? :-3

they are good close friends right?

example:

'When we were all out the other night, you mentioned having friends back for C & C, we just wondered why you never ask us over.......is it something we have said or done?'



that simple.

Odie;1169195 wrote: they are good close friends right?



example:



'When we were all out the other night, you mentioned having friends back for C & C, we just wondered why you never ask us over.......is it something we have said or done?'







that simple.
Thanks Odie, yes they are, will give it a go next week!

cars;1169259 wrote: Thanks Odie, yes they are, will give it a go next week!


when you have such good friends, its always best to get things out in the open......otherwise you will think about it all time....and its probably nothing, maybe they just don't enjoy entertaining, but they thought that would sound good, for their sakes.

Odie;1169310 wrote: when you have such good friends, its always best to get things out in the open......otherwise you will think about it all time....and its probably nothing, maybe they just don't enjoy entertaining, but they thought that would sound good, for their sakes.
Just a follow up. Well all is good in the land now!!!

Yesterday, Our friends out of no where, (we never got to say anything to them yet) invited us over for C & C, saying it was long over due!!! It was great, they went all out, and what made it even better, (for us) was that we didn't have to mention it, to get it to happen.

cars;1177195 wrote: Just a follow up. Well all is good in the land now!!!

Yesterday, Our friends out of no where, (we never got to say anything to them yet) invited us over for C & C, saying it was long over due!!! It was great, they went all out, and what made it even better, (for us) was that we didn't have to mention it, to get it to happen.


I'm so glad things worked out well. They sound like nice people and so I expect they had a reason for not inviting you over. Maybe they were embarassed about something that you might not have thought twice about. Maybe they'll tell you in time. I used to invite people over all the time but now we have house rabbits and I don't think people would like to eat dinner with a rabbit nudging at their heels, also my best friends hubby is allergic. So instead we eat out together (saves cooking! lol!)

I was going to say that the best way to deal with something like this is through humour. Going to dinner and then saying jokingly "How about C&C at our house tonight and your house next time?" and laughing as you say it so they could jump in with a "no, not possible" if they felt they really couldn't.

I'm so glad it's all worked out though. It's horrible having even a small grudge against friends as it starts to grow out of all proportion and will eventually damage or destroy the friendship.

So when do we all get invited over to you for C&C? :sneaky: :wah:

cars;1177195 wrote: Just a follow up. Well all is good in the land now!!!

Yesterday, Our friends out of no where, (we never got to say anything to them yet) invited us over for C & C, saying it was long over due!!! It was great, they went all out, and what made it even better, (for us) was that we didn't have to mention it, to get it to happen.


outstanding that was!



that would put your wife's mind at ease now.

Odie;1177219 wrote: outstanding that was!





that would put your wife's mind at ease now.
Yes, you're absolutely right Odie, thanks, "she's" happy, as am I!

cars;1177228 wrote: Yes, you're absolutely right Odie, thanks, "she's" happy, as am I!


This was just fabulous, now you don't need to ask them as I know myself that would be hard with friends.

Our friends have friends and so on .......in todays busy scheduled times we ahve to fit people into slots and places. That's all I think they are doing . You are the friends they like to go out with,:o the others are friends they like to have around for coffee.



just a thought.

great news Cars! So they probably just were used to the routine you had and it was never about them meaning to be hurtful in any way. :-6

fuzzywuzzy;1177568 wrote: Our friends have friends and so on .......in todays busy scheduled times we ahve to fit people into slots and places. That's all I think they are doing . You are the friends they like to go out with,:o the others are friends they like to have around for coffee.





just a thought.
Thanks fuzzy, all is good now. We have best of both worlds, we do dinner, & C&C as well!

hmm...can you give me....



an advice....???....cause..that's all...

sunny104;1177579 wrote: great news Cars! So they probably just were used to the routine you had and it was never about them meaning to be hurtful in any way. :-6
Yes thanks sunny, that's the way it turned out, and we didn't have to fuffle any feathers to get everything to come out right!

ghee2k9;1179547 wrote: hmm...can you give me....





an advice....???....cause..that's all...




Just, don't be "pushy"!



(And welcome to FG!:) )