Self Expression
Posted: Sat Mar 07, 2009 1:07 pm
Preamble.
For most people, self-expression is not a problem. They are able to express their feeling freely. But for some, like myself, self-expression has been an acquired skill. Let me give you some background to why I cannot express myself freely.
If ever I received my mother’s love, I cannot say I know. I know I received her hatred. Perhaps I wasn’t the source of her hatred, but I received it nonetheless. By the nature of the nightmares I remember and certain images that are stuck in my memory, I know there was a lot more besides that I endured while I was in my mother’s care. So much for mother’s love then. And yes, that was meant as a sardonic comment.
When I was five years old, I was given into my grandparents care. As an indication of my condition, I relate what my grandmother once told me. She told me that whenever I’d hurt myself, I would take myself into a corner and, while trying not to, I would quietly whimper and hold myself where I had hurt myself.
Slowly, I improved and when I was 8 years old, my grandparents adopted me. And there is no doubt in my mind that my grandmother brought me up as one of her own as I feel no doubt that I am her son. Yet, that relationship has been fraught with difficulties – more for my Mum than for myself. My grandparents became my Mum and Dad.
My natural father disappeared from my life before I was old enough to retain a memory of him. My resentment towards him stands only with regard to the fact that that he left me nothing by which I could trace him. His surname is a common one, which makes it more difficult to trace. Mum always spoke highly of him to me. But, that never made me feel any better.
My grandparents – my Mum and Dad – raised me, at expenses to themselves and I am ever eternally grateful to them. They always have been and always will be special in my heart. Nonetheless, their idiom didn’t help me when it came to self-expression. Theirs was a way of life that preceded a time that was rapidly changing and challenging life’s values. They were the proud nation. For them, you put your problems aside and got on with it.
Through this idiom, I neglected my self-expression. All of my life, I have placed other people’s feelings before my own and have felt both selfish and ignorant to do otherwise.
Such then, is the situation that led to my anger that has led to my present situation. I was unhappy but to express this would have been at odds with my partner’s happiness. I could not put my unhappiness before her happiness. Of course, I have realised other things since, but this is beside the point.
However, my thoughts on the subject have led me to realise that there is more to anger than meets the eye. In The Celestine Prophecy, anger is an intimidatory control. Yet my anger throughout my life has never been aimed to intimidate anyone rather than to draw attention to myself. In the terms used by this book, it is a ‘poor me’ control. If it was otherwise, I’m pretty sure my present circumstances would be very different.
Recently, I posted my thoughts and feelings on here in a post that was deleted. It was deleted because there was too much personal information. It was posted because I needed to express myself.
This is the thing about expression. Expression is always a two-way thing. When a person expresses their selves, their expression has to be accepted. If it is not, then that expression has to find another way out. In my case, it found its way out through FG. Though the post was deleted, in the time it was up my expression was accepted. It took two years of bottled up emotion to achieve this release. A release prompted by external forces.
I still have not had satisfaction with regard to my concerns. Further, there is a strong synchronicity between my life and that of my daughter. My natural mother married a RAF officer and this occurred before I was sent to my grandparents.
The important thing was to be able to express myself and where it couldn't be expressed to the person concerned, it was then presented to the world at large i.e. the Forum Garden in this case. Now that it has been expressed and accepted, I am able to move on.
End to preamble.
For most people, self-expression is not a problem. They are able to express their feeling freely. But for some, like myself, self-expression has been an acquired skill. Let me give you some background to why I cannot express myself freely.
If ever I received my mother’s love, I cannot say I know. I know I received her hatred. Perhaps I wasn’t the source of her hatred, but I received it nonetheless. By the nature of the nightmares I remember and certain images that are stuck in my memory, I know there was a lot more besides that I endured while I was in my mother’s care. So much for mother’s love then. And yes, that was meant as a sardonic comment.
When I was five years old, I was given into my grandparents care. As an indication of my condition, I relate what my grandmother once told me. She told me that whenever I’d hurt myself, I would take myself into a corner and, while trying not to, I would quietly whimper and hold myself where I had hurt myself.
Slowly, I improved and when I was 8 years old, my grandparents adopted me. And there is no doubt in my mind that my grandmother brought me up as one of her own as I feel no doubt that I am her son. Yet, that relationship has been fraught with difficulties – more for my Mum than for myself. My grandparents became my Mum and Dad.
My natural father disappeared from my life before I was old enough to retain a memory of him. My resentment towards him stands only with regard to the fact that that he left me nothing by which I could trace him. His surname is a common one, which makes it more difficult to trace. Mum always spoke highly of him to me. But, that never made me feel any better.
My grandparents – my Mum and Dad – raised me, at expenses to themselves and I am ever eternally grateful to them. They always have been and always will be special in my heart. Nonetheless, their idiom didn’t help me when it came to self-expression. Theirs was a way of life that preceded a time that was rapidly changing and challenging life’s values. They were the proud nation. For them, you put your problems aside and got on with it.
Through this idiom, I neglected my self-expression. All of my life, I have placed other people’s feelings before my own and have felt both selfish and ignorant to do otherwise.
Such then, is the situation that led to my anger that has led to my present situation. I was unhappy but to express this would have been at odds with my partner’s happiness. I could not put my unhappiness before her happiness. Of course, I have realised other things since, but this is beside the point.
However, my thoughts on the subject have led me to realise that there is more to anger than meets the eye. In The Celestine Prophecy, anger is an intimidatory control. Yet my anger throughout my life has never been aimed to intimidate anyone rather than to draw attention to myself. In the terms used by this book, it is a ‘poor me’ control. If it was otherwise, I’m pretty sure my present circumstances would be very different.
Recently, I posted my thoughts and feelings on here in a post that was deleted. It was deleted because there was too much personal information. It was posted because I needed to express myself.
This is the thing about expression. Expression is always a two-way thing. When a person expresses their selves, their expression has to be accepted. If it is not, then that expression has to find another way out. In my case, it found its way out through FG. Though the post was deleted, in the time it was up my expression was accepted. It took two years of bottled up emotion to achieve this release. A release prompted by external forces.
I still have not had satisfaction with regard to my concerns. Further, there is a strong synchronicity between my life and that of my daughter. My natural mother married a RAF officer and this occurred before I was sent to my grandparents.
The important thing was to be able to express myself and where it couldn't be expressed to the person concerned, it was then presented to the world at large i.e. the Forum Garden in this case. Now that it has been expressed and accepted, I am able to move on.
End to preamble.
