Ode to the Fruitcake
Posted: Sun May 11, 2008 2:03 pm
Where in the world do you post such a thing, does anyone care but me, I must grt the word out.
My wife says that I am cheap and in as much as I can easily fall asleep behind the rubber plant in the corner of any room during a raging party, I must be dull as well. In fact, at a house party the first friendly contact I make is generally with the family pet, preferably a dog. I am allergic to cats and have little use for them in any case. There, now I have offended yet another group of people.
I have one other major flaw (among many minor ones). I like fruitcake. The more fruit the better, especially candied cherries. Fruitcake gets a bad rap, mostly from people who have never tried it. What’s not to like? You have a moist dark cake, loaded with nuts and pieces of candied fruit and with any luck lots of whiskey or other suitable spirit. Moreover, how many other cakes do you know of that can be used in a weightlifting regimen? There is no doubt many fruitcake lovers are still in the closet. After all, they don’t make fruitcake just to take up shelf space during the holidays¦or do they. Perhaps that’s a concept for further reflection. Why there is even a Miss Fruitcake, in 2005, it was Courtney Sheffield and her mission is to “stop fruitcake abuse wherever it occurs. Somebody besides me must buy fruitcake but I am still on a quest to find the person who will admit it.
My wife whips up a mean fruitcake (still some in the freezer from last Christmas) by creatively using a date nut bread mix with a personal touch, including extra candied cherries. I don’t even have to go out in public to get my fruitcake fix, yet eating a piece in front of my family has been traumatic at times. “Would you like a piece, I always ask. “No thanks or simply “Are you kidding, is a typical reaction. That’s not quite true; the typical reaction is “yuck. :p
I must admit that there appears to be a considerable amount of fruitcake leftover after Christmas and if my memory serves me well, most of it is in the A&P stores, or at least it used to be before the Great Atlantic and Pacific Tea Company went the way of Ford (oops, getting ahead of myself). Given that one can buy imported fruitcake (the German variety weighing about five pounds per square inch is a favorite) there would appear to be an international demand as well. That is, unless everyone ships ruitcakes to the U.S. to be consumed by ten or twelve Americans. Like many other holiday treats fruitcake goes on sale after Christmas, so there appears no reason to pay full price. I suspect that fruitcake purchased at 50% off in February or March can be preserved with little effort until the following December. That is a theory mind you, I haven’t tested it out yet. I pushed my luck once seeking a 75% discount in April, but by then the bloom was off the fruitcake and it was no where to be found. It’s like looking for a pumpkin around Easter.
Just because I like fruitcake, I don’t want you to think I am a health food nut. However, with cholesterol twice as high as my IQ (no it’s not under 200), I do watch what I eat. The other day I was looking at a vending machine. I bet you thought there was nothing but junk food in those things. Not true at all. As I gazed into the machine, I saw words like apple, honey, strawberry, peaches, corn and whole wheat, there was even a product that began with Mothers. How bad can that stuff be? When I take a shower those same words confront me. The shampoo women use contains everything except steamed Chinese vegetables. My latest discovery is a bottle of shampoo containing Oak Bark and Kiwi¦but no fruitcake¦.yet.
Don't laugh, this is a serious problem.
My wife says that I am cheap and in as much as I can easily fall asleep behind the rubber plant in the corner of any room during a raging party, I must be dull as well. In fact, at a house party the first friendly contact I make is generally with the family pet, preferably a dog. I am allergic to cats and have little use for them in any case. There, now I have offended yet another group of people.
I have one other major flaw (among many minor ones). I like fruitcake. The more fruit the better, especially candied cherries. Fruitcake gets a bad rap, mostly from people who have never tried it. What’s not to like? You have a moist dark cake, loaded with nuts and pieces of candied fruit and with any luck lots of whiskey or other suitable spirit. Moreover, how many other cakes do you know of that can be used in a weightlifting regimen? There is no doubt many fruitcake lovers are still in the closet. After all, they don’t make fruitcake just to take up shelf space during the holidays¦or do they. Perhaps that’s a concept for further reflection. Why there is even a Miss Fruitcake, in 2005, it was Courtney Sheffield and her mission is to “stop fruitcake abuse wherever it occurs. Somebody besides me must buy fruitcake but I am still on a quest to find the person who will admit it.
My wife whips up a mean fruitcake (still some in the freezer from last Christmas) by creatively using a date nut bread mix with a personal touch, including extra candied cherries. I don’t even have to go out in public to get my fruitcake fix, yet eating a piece in front of my family has been traumatic at times. “Would you like a piece, I always ask. “No thanks or simply “Are you kidding, is a typical reaction. That’s not quite true; the typical reaction is “yuck. :p
I must admit that there appears to be a considerable amount of fruitcake leftover after Christmas and if my memory serves me well, most of it is in the A&P stores, or at least it used to be before the Great Atlantic and Pacific Tea Company went the way of Ford (oops, getting ahead of myself). Given that one can buy imported fruitcake (the German variety weighing about five pounds per square inch is a favorite) there would appear to be an international demand as well. That is, unless everyone ships ruitcakes to the U.S. to be consumed by ten or twelve Americans. Like many other holiday treats fruitcake goes on sale after Christmas, so there appears no reason to pay full price. I suspect that fruitcake purchased at 50% off in February or March can be preserved with little effort until the following December. That is a theory mind you, I haven’t tested it out yet. I pushed my luck once seeking a 75% discount in April, but by then the bloom was off the fruitcake and it was no where to be found. It’s like looking for a pumpkin around Easter.
Just because I like fruitcake, I don’t want you to think I am a health food nut. However, with cholesterol twice as high as my IQ (no it’s not under 200), I do watch what I eat. The other day I was looking at a vending machine. I bet you thought there was nothing but junk food in those things. Not true at all. As I gazed into the machine, I saw words like apple, honey, strawberry, peaches, corn and whole wheat, there was even a product that began with Mothers. How bad can that stuff be? When I take a shower those same words confront me. The shampoo women use contains everything except steamed Chinese vegetables. My latest discovery is a bottle of shampoo containing Oak Bark and Kiwi¦but no fruitcake¦.yet.
Don't laugh, this is a serious problem.
