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One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very Sexy nightie.

'Tie me up,' she purred, 'and you can do anything you want.'

So he tied her up and played 18 holes of golf.

A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, 'Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!'

The husband said, 'Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?'

'Doesn't matter,' she said. 'Just get out.'

Glesga mortuary

A man who just died is delivered to a Glasgow mortuary wearing an

expensive, expertly tailored black suit. Big Tam the mortician asks the

deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. He points out that

the man does look very good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his

best in blue. She gives Tam a blank cheque and says, 'I don't care what

it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'

The woman returns the next day. To her delight she finds her husband

dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit

fits him perfectly. She says to Tam, 'Whatever the cost, I'm very

satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did

you spend?' To her astonishment, Tam presents her with the blank cheque.

'Nae charge', he says.

'No, really, I must pay you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!'

she says. 'Honestly, hen', Tam says, 'it didnae cost nothin. You see, a

deid gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after

you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked

his missus if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit

insteed, and she said it made nae difference as long as he looked nice.'

. . . . . . . 'So, I just switched their heids.'

A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license. First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test The optician showed him a card with the letters

'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'

'Can you read this?' the optician asked.

'Read it?' the Polish guy replied, 'Hell, I know the guy.'

Allen took his blind date to the carnival. "What would you like to do first, Sandra?" asked Allen.

"I want to get weighed," said Sandra.

They ambled over to the weight guesser. He guessed 120 pounds. She got on the scale; it read 117 and she won a prize.

Next, the couple went on the Ferris Wheel. When the ride was over, Allen again asked Sandra what she would like to do. "I want to get weighed," she said. Back to the weight guesser they went. Since they had been there before, he guessed her correct weight, and Allen lost his dollar.

The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to next. "I want to get weighed," she responded. By this time, Allen figured she was really weird and took her home early, dropping her off with a handshake.

Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, "How did it go?" Sandra responded, "Oh, Waura, it was wousy."

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.

'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER list en to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!'

The wife stared at him... 'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?'

The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'

Injun Sex Lesson

Ms. Walters was doing a documentary on the customs of American Indians.

After a tour of a reservation, she asked a Brave, who had only one feather in his headdress.

"Why is there a difference in the number of feathers in the headdresses?"

His reply was, "Me have only one sqaw, me have only one feather."

She asked another Brave, feeling the first injun was only joking. This Brave had four feathers in his headdress.

He replied, "Ugh; me have four feathers because me sleep with four squaws."

Still not convinced the number of feathers indicated the number of sqaws involved, she decided to interview the Chief.

Now the Chief had a headdress full of feathers, which, needless to say, amused Ms. Walters.

She asked the Chief, "Why do you have so many feathers in your headdress?"

The Chief proudly pounded his chest and said, "Me Chief. Me f**k-em all. Big, small, fat, tall. Me f**k-em all."

Horrified, Ms. Walters stated, "You ought to be hung!"

The Chief replied, "You damned right, me hung. Big like buffalo, long like snake."

Ms. Walters cried, "You don't have to be so goddamned hostile!" The Chief replied,

"Goddamn hoss-style, dog-style, wolf-style, any-style, me f**k-em all!"

With tears in her eyes, Ms. Walters cried, "Oh dear."

The Chief said, "No deer. Me no f**k deer.AssH*le too high and fookers run too fast. No f**k deer!"

Some old and some new...........Actual call centre conversations !!!!!

Customer: 'I've been ringing 0800 2100 for two days and can't get through to enquiries, can you help?'.

Operator: 'Where did you get that number from, sir?'.

Customer: 'It was on the door to the Travel Centre'.

Operator: 'Sir, they are our opening hours'.

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Samsung Electronics

Caller: 'Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?'

Operator: 'I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about'.

Caller: 'On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?'

Operator: 'I think you mean the telephone point on the wall'.

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RAC Motoring Services

Caller: 'Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am travelling in Australia ?'

Operator: ' Doesn't the product name give you a clue?'

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Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while travelling in France ):

'If I register my car in France , do I have to change the steering wheel to the other side of the car?'

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Directory Enquiries

Caller: 'I'd like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in Cardiff please'.

Operator: 'I'm sorry, there's no listing. Is the spelling correct?'

Caller: 'Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar but the 'B' fell off'.

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Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.

Operator: 'Woven? Are you sure?'

Caller: 'Yes. That's what it says on the label; Woven in Scotland '.

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On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box told a worried operator:

'I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up the window to write the number on'.

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Tech Support: 'I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop'.

Customer: 'OK'.

Tech Support: 'Did you get a pop-up menu?'.

Customer: 'No'.

Tech Support: 'OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?'

Customer: 'No'.

Tech Support: 'OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?'.

Customer: 'Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click''.

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Tech Support: 'OK. In the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?'

Customer: 'Wow. How can you see my screen from there?'

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Caller: 'I deleted a file from my PC last week and I have just realised that I need it. If I turn my system clock back two weeks will I have my file back again?'.

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There's always one. This has got to be one of the funniest things in a long time. I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired. This is a true story from the Word Perfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for 'Termination without Cause'.

Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee. (Now I know why they record these conversations!):

Operator: 'Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?'

Caller: 'Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect.'

Operator: 'What sort of trouble??'

Caller: 'Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.'

Operator: 'Went away?'

Caller: 'They disappeared.'

Operator: 'Hmm So what does your screen look like now?'

Caller: 'Nothing.'

Operator: 'Nothing??'

Caller: 'It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type.'

Operator: 'Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??'

Caller: 'How do I tell?'

Operator: 'Can you see the C: prompt on the screen??'

Caller: 'What's a sea-prompt?'

Operator: 'Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?'

Caller: 'There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type.'

Operator: 'Does your monitor have a power indicator??'

Caller: 'What's a monitor?'

Operator: 'It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on??'

Caller: 'I don't know.'

Operator: 'Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??'

Caller: 'Yes, I think so.'

Operator: 'Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.

Caller: 'Yes, it is.'

Operator: 'When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??'

Caller: 'No.'

Operator: 'Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.'

Caller: 'Okay, here it is.'

Operator: 'Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer.'

Caller: 'I can't reach.'

Operator: 'Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is??'

Caller: 'No.'

Operator: 'Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over??'

Caller: 'Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark.'

Operator: 'Dark??'

Caller: 'Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.

' Operator: 'Well, turn on the office light then.'

Caller: 'I can't.'

Operator: 'No? Why not??'

Caller: 'Because there's a power failure.'

Operator: 'A power......... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now.

Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in??'

Caller: 'Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.'

Operator: 'Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.'

Caller: 'Really? Is it that bad?'

Operator: 'Yes, I'm afraid it is.'

Caller: 'Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??'

Operator: 'Tell them you're too f --- ing stupid to own a computer!!!...

_________________

My right to post information is protected under the rights for freedom act.

In all instances, information discussed here on my posts are either hypothetical in nature, out of general curiosity, common knowledge, public knowledge, or role-play.

Any use of the collective descriptions and shared knowledge from any of my posts are at the sole discretion of the reader.

I am not responsible for what you do with it!!!!

Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army.

On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army b arber sheared off all his hair.

On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.

On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap.



The Army still hasn't found Herman.

A young couple wanted to join their local church, the pastor told them, "We

have a special requirement for new member couples. You must abstain from

sex for one whole month."

The couple agreed, but after two-and-a-half weeks returned to the Church.

When the Pastor ushered them into his office, the wife was crying and the

husband was obviously very depressed. 'You are back so soon...

Is there a problem?' the pastor inquired.

'We are terribly ashamed to admit that we did not manage to abstain from

sex for the required month.' The young man replied sadly.

The pastor asked him what happened.

'Well, the first week was difficult... However, we managed to abstain

through sheer willpower. The second week was terrible, but with the use of

prayer, we managed to abstain. However, the third week was unbearable. We

tried cold showers, prayer, reading from the Bible...anything to keep our

minds off Carnal Thoughts. One afternoon my wife reached for a can of paint

and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust

and I just had my way with her right then and there. It was lustful, loud,

passionate sex. It lasted for over an hour and when we were done we were

both drenched in sweat,' admitted the man, shamefacedly.

The pastor lowered his head and said sternly, 'You understand this means

you will not be welcome in our church.'

'We know.' said the young man, hanging his head, 'We're not welcome at the

Homebase DIY store either.'

This is an actual letter from an Austin woman sent to Proctor and Gamble

regarding their feminine products. She really gets rolling after the first

paragraph. It's PC Magazine's 2007 editors' choice for best

webmail-award-winning letter.

Dear Mr. Thatcher,

I have been a loyal user of your 'Always' maxi pads for over 20 years and I

appreciate many of their features. Why, without the Leak Guard Core or Dri-

Weave absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing,

and I'd certainly steer

clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts. But my

favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being

the

only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be

aerodynamic. I can't tell you how

safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.

Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from the

curse'? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my time of the month is starting

right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging

through my body. Just a few

minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my

husband likes to call 'an inbred hillbilly with knife skills.' Isn't the

human body amazing?

As Brand Manager in the Feminine-Hygiene Division, you've no doubt seen

quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers

monthly

visits from 'Aunt Flo'. Therefore, you must know about the bloating,

puffiness, and cramping we endure,

and about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior.

You surely realize it's a tough time for most women. In fact, only last

week, my friend Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend's

testicles into a George Foreman

Grill just because he told her he thought Grey's Anatomy was written by

drunken chimps. Crazy!

The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just

crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants... Which brings me to the

reason

for my letter. Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I

wanted to reach inside my body

and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi-pad, and there, printed on

the adhesive backing, were these words: 'Have a Happy Period.'

Are you freaking kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your tiny

middle-manager brain really think actual smiling, laughing, or happiness is

possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the

least bit pleasurable?

Well, did it, James?

FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak, there will never be anything

'happy' about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and

Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to the

local Walgreen's armed with a

hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.

For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you just have to slap a

moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something

that's actually pertinent, like 'Put down the Hammer' or 'Vehicular

Manslaughter is Wrong', or are you

just picking on us?

Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective immediately,

there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my

maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your

Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute

miss your brand of condescending bullsh*t. And that's a promise I will keep.

Always.

Sue had lost her husband almost four years ago. Her daughter was constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the world.

Finally, Sue said she would go out, but didn't know anyone. Her daughter immediately replied, "Mom! I have someone for you to meet."

Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in Vermont.

Their first night there, she undressed as he did. There she stood nude, except for a pair of black lacy panties; he was in his birthday suit.

Looking her over, he asked, "Why the black panties?"

She replied: "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still mourning."

He knew he was not getting lucky that night.

The following night was the same--she stood there wearing the black panties, and he was in his birthday suit--but now he was wearing a black condom.

She looked at him and asked: "What's with the black condom?"

He replied, "I want to offer my deepest condolences

Three Mothers, a blonde, brunette, and a redhead were all talking about their daughters.

The Brunette said "I was looking through my daughters things and I found cigarettes, I can't believe my daughter smokes."

The Redhead says "Ladies, I was looking through my daughters things and I found a bottle of liquor, I can't believe my daughter drinks."

The Blond says "I was looking through my daughters things and I found a pack of condoms, I can't believe my daughter has a penis!"





Plastic Surgery

A blonde woman in the bar says that she wants to have plastic surgery to enlarge her breasts.

Her husband tells her, "Hey, you don't need surgery to do that. I know how to do it without surgery."

The lady asks, "How do I do it without surgery?"

"Just rub toilet paper between them."

Startled the lady asks, "How does that make them bigger?"

"I don't know, but it worked for your ass."

Dear Abby:

My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning, and, when I confront him, he denies everything. What's worse, everyone knows that he cheats on me. It is so humiliating.

Since he lost his job six years ago, he hasn't even looked for a new one. All he does all day is smoke cigars and cruise around with his buddies while I have to work to pay the bills.

Since our daughter went away to college he doesn't even pretend to like me.

Lately he has been going around saying the most horribly racist things, and starting terrible fights with our new neighbors by lying about them. Even our old friends are disgusted with him.

What should I do?

Signed: Clueless



Dear Clueless:

Grow up and dump him. Good grief, woman. You don't need him anymore! You're a United States Senator from New York running for President of the United States . Act the part!

motivational Poster

Attached files

The Wife from Hell

A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."

The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?"

The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did."

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Darn it, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"

The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine."

The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket"

The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on ... You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??"

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"



"Only when he's been drinking."