Some jokes
Posted: Sun Aug 19, 2007 12:11 pm
Charlie was stranded for months on a deserted island until one day a beautiful blond swam up to the shore wearing a wet suit and swim fins.
She asked Charlie if he'd like a smoke, he said sure he'd been on the island so long he couldn't remember his last one. She unzipped her wet suit just a bit, pulled out a pack of cigarettes and a lighter, lit one and gave it to him.
He finished it and she asked if he'd like a drink. He accepted the drink and she unzipped her wet suit a bit more and pulled out a bottle of whisky and a glass, poured him a drink and gave it to him.
He downed it in one gulp.
Then she started to unzip her suit a bit more and smiling asked him if he wanted to play around.
Charlie's eyes grew big and he asked her, "You mean to tell me you have golf clubs in there too?"
A guy is driving around Dublin when he sees a sign in front of a house:
"Talking Dog For Sale."
He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador sitting there.
"You talk?" he asks.
"Yes," the Lab replies.
"So, what's the story?"
The Lab looks up and says: "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was
pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the Garda about my
gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country,
sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog
would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight
years running." "But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I
wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job
at the airport to do some undercover security wandering near suspicious
characters and listening in." "I uncovered some incredible dealings and was
awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a load of puppies, and now I'm
just retired."
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the
dog.
"Ten euros," the man says.
"Ten euros? This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"
"Because he's a liar.
He never did any of that *****."
One fine day in Ireland, a guy is out golfing and gets up to the 16th hole. He tees up and cranks one. Unfortunately, it goes into the woods on the side of the fairway.
He goes looking for his ball and comes across this little guy with this huge knot on his head, and the golf ball lying right beside him. 'Goodness,' says the golfer, and proceeds to revive the poor little guy.
Upon awaking, the little guy says, 'Well, you caught me fair and square. I am a leprechaun. I will grant you three wishes.'
The man says, 'I can't take anything from you, I'm just glad I didn't hurt you too badly,' and walks away.
Watching the golfer depart, the leprechaun thinks, 'Well, he was a nice enough guy, and he did catch me, so I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things that I would want. I'll give him unlimited money, a great golf game, and a great sex life.'
Well, a year goes past (as they often do in jokes like this) and the same golfer is out golfing on the same course at the 16th hole. He gets up and hits one into the same woods and goes off looking for his ball. When he finds the ball he sees the same little guy and asks how he is doing.
The leprechaun says, 'I'm fine, and might I ask how your golf game is?'
The golfer says, 'It's great! I hit under par every time.'
The leprechaun says, 'I did that for you. And might I ask how your money is holding out?'
The golfer says, 'Well, now that you mention it, every time I put my hand in my pocket, I pull out a ten pound note.'
The leprechaun smiles and says, 'I did that for you. And might I ask how your sex life is?'
The golfer looks at him a little shyly and says, 'Well, maybe once or twice a week.'
The leprechaun is floored and stammers, 'Once or twice a week?!'
The golfer, a little embarrassed, looks at him and says, 'Well, that's not too bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish.'
A funeral service is being held in a synagogue for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pallbearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall jarring the casket.
They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive.
She lives for 10 more years and then dies. A ceremony is again held at the same synagogue and at the end of the service the pallbearers are again carrying out the casket.
As they are walking out, the husband cries out, "Watch out for the wall!
She asked Charlie if he'd like a smoke, he said sure he'd been on the island so long he couldn't remember his last one. She unzipped her wet suit just a bit, pulled out a pack of cigarettes and a lighter, lit one and gave it to him.
He finished it and she asked if he'd like a drink. He accepted the drink and she unzipped her wet suit a bit more and pulled out a bottle of whisky and a glass, poured him a drink and gave it to him.
He downed it in one gulp.
Then she started to unzip her suit a bit more and smiling asked him if he wanted to play around.
Charlie's eyes grew big and he asked her, "You mean to tell me you have golf clubs in there too?"
A guy is driving around Dublin when he sees a sign in front of a house:
"Talking Dog For Sale."
He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador sitting there.
"You talk?" he asks.
"Yes," the Lab replies.
"So, what's the story?"
The Lab looks up and says: "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was
pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the Garda about my
gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country,
sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog
would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight
years running." "But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I
wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job
at the airport to do some undercover security wandering near suspicious
characters and listening in." "I uncovered some incredible dealings and was
awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a load of puppies, and now I'm
just retired."
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the
dog.
"Ten euros," the man says.
"Ten euros? This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"
"Because he's a liar.
He never did any of that *****."
One fine day in Ireland, a guy is out golfing and gets up to the 16th hole. He tees up and cranks one. Unfortunately, it goes into the woods on the side of the fairway.
He goes looking for his ball and comes across this little guy with this huge knot on his head, and the golf ball lying right beside him. 'Goodness,' says the golfer, and proceeds to revive the poor little guy.
Upon awaking, the little guy says, 'Well, you caught me fair and square. I am a leprechaun. I will grant you three wishes.'
The man says, 'I can't take anything from you, I'm just glad I didn't hurt you too badly,' and walks away.
Watching the golfer depart, the leprechaun thinks, 'Well, he was a nice enough guy, and he did catch me, so I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things that I would want. I'll give him unlimited money, a great golf game, and a great sex life.'
Well, a year goes past (as they often do in jokes like this) and the same golfer is out golfing on the same course at the 16th hole. He gets up and hits one into the same woods and goes off looking for his ball. When he finds the ball he sees the same little guy and asks how he is doing.
The leprechaun says, 'I'm fine, and might I ask how your golf game is?'
The golfer says, 'It's great! I hit under par every time.'
The leprechaun says, 'I did that for you. And might I ask how your money is holding out?'
The golfer says, 'Well, now that you mention it, every time I put my hand in my pocket, I pull out a ten pound note.'
The leprechaun smiles and says, 'I did that for you. And might I ask how your sex life is?'
The golfer looks at him a little shyly and says, 'Well, maybe once or twice a week.'
The leprechaun is floored and stammers, 'Once or twice a week?!'
The golfer, a little embarrassed, looks at him and says, 'Well, that's not too bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish.'
A funeral service is being held in a synagogue for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pallbearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall jarring the casket.
They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive.
She lives for 10 more years and then dies. A ceremony is again held at the same synagogue and at the end of the service the pallbearers are again carrying out the casket.
As they are walking out, the husband cries out, "Watch out for the wall!