Funny Lists
Posted: Wed Jan 26, 2005 5:19 pm
Top Ten Changes at NASA to accommodate 76 year-old John Glenn's return to space aboard the shuttle "Discovery:"
10. All important devices now operated by the Clapper.
9. Shuttle's thermostat set at 80 degrees.
8. Shuffle board installed in cargo bay.
7. "Early Bird" specials from Luby's Cafeteria included on menu.
6. One monitor specifically designated for Matlock.
5. Little bowls of candy scattered randomly about the ship.
4. Top speed of shuttle set at 25 miles per hour.
3. Installed a new bifocal windshield.
2. Space pants now go up to armpits.
1. Left-blinker left on for entire mission.
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CREATIVE PICK-UP LINES
(And the ones voted least likely to work)
1. Your body's name must be Visa, because it's everywhere I want to be
2. Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money
3. I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make your bed rock
4. I may not be the best looking guy here, but I'm the only one talking to you.
5. Yo Baby, you be my Dairy Queen, I'll be your Burger King, you treat me right, and I'll do it your way
6. Excuse me, do you have your phone number, I seem to have lost mine.
7. I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went into this cheap motel room.
8. I'm new in town, could I have directions to your house.
9. If you were a new hamburger at McDonald's, you would be McGorgeous.
10. You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.
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The following are actual English subtitles used in films from Hong Kong:
I am darn unsatisfied to be killed in this way.
Fatty, you with your thick face have hurt my instep.
Gun wounds again?
Same old rules: no eyes, no groin.
A normal person wouldn't steal pituitaries.
Darn, I'll burn you into a BBQ chicken
Take my advice, or I'll spank you a lot.
Who gave you the nerve to get killed here?
This will be of fine service for you, you bag of the scum.
I am sure you will not mind that I remove your toenails and leave them out on the dessert floor for ants to eat.
Quiet or I'll blow your throat up.
I'll fire aimlessly if you don't come out!
You daring lousy guy.
Beat him out of recognizable shape!
Yah-hah, evil spider woman! I have captured you by the short rabbits and can now deliver you violently to your doctor for a thorough extermination.
I have been scared silly too much lately.
I got knife scars more than the number of your leg's hair!
Beware! Your bones are going to be disconnected.
The bullets inside are very hot. Why do I feel so cold?
How can you use my intestines as a gift?
Greetings, large black person. Let us not forget to form a team up together and go into the country to inflict the pain of our karate feets on some but of the giant lizard person.
You always use violence. I should've ordered glutinous rice chicken.
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YOU KNOW YOU'VE BEEN DRINKING WAY TOO MUCH COFFEE WHEN.....
* Juan Valdez named his donkey after you.
* You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.
* You just completed another sweater and you don't know how to knit.
* The only time you're standing still is during an earthquake.
* The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.
* Your so jittery that people use your hands to shake paint cans.
* Cocaine is a downer.
* You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's
not plugged in.
* Charles Manson thinks you need to calm down.
* Your taste buds are so numb you could drink your lava lamp.
* When you call radio talk shows, they ask you to turn yourself down.
* Your life goal is to amount to a hill of beans.
* You channel surf faster without a remote.
* You name your cats "Cream" and "Sugar."
* You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.
* You can outlast the Energizer bunny.
* You short out motion detectors.
* Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.
* You think being called a "drip" is a compliment.
* You help your dog chase its tail.
* You're up to four heart attacks a day.
* Your coffee mug is insured by Lloyd's of London.
* You introduce your spouse as your coffeemate.
* You think CPR stands for "Coffee Provides Resuscitation."
* Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup.
* You think Columbia would be a great vacation destination!
* You're passing everybody on the freeway when you suddenly realize:
you left your car at home!
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Top 98 Ways to Order a Pizza
1. If using a touch-tone, press random numbers while ordering. Ask
the person taking the order to stop doing that.
2. Make up a charge-card name. Ask if they accept it.
3. Use CB lingo where applicable.
4. Order a Big Mac Extra Value Meal.
5. Terminate the call with, "Remember, we never had this
conversation."
6. Tell the order taker a rival pizza place is on the other line
and you're going with the lowest bidder.
7. Give them your address, exclaim "Oh, just surprise me!" and
hang up.
8. Answer their questions with questions.
9. In your breathiest voice, tell them to cut the crap about
nutrition and ask if they have something outlandishly sinful.
10. Use these bonus words in the conversation: ROBUST FREE-SPIRITED
COST-EFFICIENT UKRAINIAN PUCE.
11. Tell them to put the crust on top this time.
12. Sing the order to the tune of your favorite song from
Metallica's "Master of Puppets" CD.
"Chop your pizza on a mirror!"
"Master! Master! Put pepperoni on my pizza!"
"Gimme pizza! You will do what I say, when I say Gimme pizza!"
13. Do not name the toppings you want. Rather, spell them out.
14. Put an extra edge in your voice when you say "crazy bread."
15. Stutter on the letter "p."
16. Ask for a deal available somewhere else. (If phoning Domino's,
ask for a CheeserCheeser!)
17. Ask what the order taker is wearing.
18. Crack your knuckles into the receiver.
19. Say hello, act stunned for five seconds, then behave as if they
called you. Rattle off your order with a determined air. If
they ask if you would like drinks with that, panic and become
disoriented.
20. Tell the order taker you're depressed. Get him/her to cheer you
up.
21. Make a list of exotic cuisines. Order them as toppings.
22. Change your accent every three seconds.
23. Order 52 pepperoni slices prepared in a fractal pattern as
follows from an equation you are about to dictate. Ask if they
need paper.
24. Act like you know the order taker from somewhere. Say
"Bed-Wetters' Camp, right?"
25. Start your order with "I'd like...". A little later, slap
yourself and say "No, I don't."
26. If they repeat the order to make sure they have it right, say
"OK. That'll be $10.99; please pull up to the first window."
27. Rent a pizza.
28. Order while using an electric knife sharpener.
29. Ask if you get to keep the pizza box. When they say yes, heave
a sigh of relief.
30. Put the accent on the last syllable of "pepperoni." Use the
long "i" sound.
31. Have your pizza "shaken, not stirred."
32. Say "Are you sure this is (Pizza Place)? When they say yes, say
"Well, so is this! You've got some explaining to do!" When they
finally offer proof that it is, in fact, (Pizza Place), start
to cry and ask, "Do you know what it's like to be lied to?"
33. Move the mouthpiece farther and farther from your lips as you
speak. When the call ends, jerk the mouthpiece back into place
and scream goodbye at the top of your lungs.
34. Tell them to double-check to make sure your pizza is, in fact,
dead.
35. Imitate the order taker's voice.
36. Eliminate verbs from your speech.
37. When they say "What would you like?" say, "Huh? Oh, you mean
now."
38. Play a guitar in the background.
39. Say it's your anniversary and you'd appreciate if the deliverer
hid behind some furniture waiting for your spouse to arrive so
you can surprise him/her.
40. Amuse the order taker with little-known facts about country
music.
41. Ask to see a menu.
42. Quote Carl Sandberg.
43. Say you'll be able to pay for this when the movie people call
back.
44. Ask if they have any idea what is at stake with this pizza.
45. Ask what topping goes best with well-aged Chardonnay.
46. Belch directly into the mouthpiece; then tell your dog it
should be ashamed.
47. Order a slice, not a whole pizza.
48. Shout "I'm through with men/women! Send me a dozen of your
best, Gaston!"
49. Doze off in the middle of the order, catch yourself, and say
"Where was I? Who are you?"
50. Psychoanalyze the order taker.
51. Ask what their phone number is. Hang up, call them, and ask
again.
52. Order two toppings, then say, "No, they'll start fighting."
53. Learn to properly pronounce the ingredients of a Twinkie. Ask
that these be included.
54. Call to complain about service. Later, call to say you were
drunk and didn't mean it.
55. Tell the order taker to tell the manager to tell his supervisor
he's fired.
56. Report a petty theft to the order taker.
57. Use expletives like "Great Caesar's Ghost" and "Jesus Joseph
and Mary in Tinsel Town."
58. Ask for the guy who took your order last time.
59. If he/she suggests anything, adamantly declare, "I shall not be
swayed by your sweet words."
60. Wonder aloud if you should trim those nose hairs.
61. Try to talk while drinking something.
62. Start the conversation with "My Call to (Pizza Place), Take 1,
and... action!"
63. Ask if the pizza is organically grown.
64. Ask about pizza maintenance and repair.
65. Be vague in your order.
66. When they repeat your order, say "Again, with a little more
OOMPH this time."
67. If using a touch-tone press 9-1-1 every 5 seconds throughout
the order.
68. After ordering, say "I wonder what THIS button on the phone
does." Simulate a cutoff.
69. Start the conversation by reciting today's date and saying,
"This may be my last entry."
70. State your order and say that's as far as this relationship is
going to get.
71. Ask if they're familiar with the term "spanking a pizza." Make
up a description to go with the term. Ask that this be done to
your pizza.
72. Say "Kssssssssssssssht" rather loudly into the phone. Ask if
they felt that.
73. Detect the order taker's psychic aura. Use it to your
advantage.
74. When listing toppings you want on your pizza, include another
pizza.
75. Learn to play a blues riff on the harmonica. Stop talking at
regular intervals to play it.
76. Ask if they would like to sample your pizza. Suggest an even
trade.
77. Perfect a celebrity's voice. Stress that you won't take any
crap from some two-bit can't-hack-it pimple-faced gofer.
78. Put them on hold.
79. Teach the order taker a secret code. Use the code on all
subsequent orders.
80. Mumble, "There's a bomb under your seat." When asked to repeat
that, say, "I said 'sauce smothered with meat'."
81. Make the first topping you order mushrooms. Make the last thing
you say "No mushrooms, please." Hang up before they have a
chance to respond.
82. When the order is repeated, change it slightly. When it is
repeated again, change it again. On the third time, say "You
just don't get it, do you?"
83. When you're given the price, say "Ooooooo, that sounds
complicated. I hate math."
84. Haggle.
85. Order a one-inch pizza.
86. Order term life insurance.
87. When they say "Will that be all?", snicker and say "We'll find
out, won't we?"
88. Order with a Speak-n-Spell where applicable.
89. Ask how many dolphins were killed to make that pizza.
90. While on the phone, fake entering puberty. Fluctuate pitch
often; act embarrassed.
91. Engage in some serious swapping.
92. Dance all around the word "pizza." Avoid saying it at all
costs. If he/she says it, say "Please don't mention that word."
93. Have a movie with a good car chase scene playing loudly in the
background. Yell "OW!" when a bullet is fired.
94. If he/she suggests a side order, ask why he/she is punishing
you.
95. Ask if the pizza has had its shots.
96. Order a steamed pizza.
97. Get taker's name. Later, call exactly on the hour to say, "This
is your (time of day) wake-up call, So-and-so." Hang up.
98. Offer to pay for the pizza with a public flogging. If any of
the above practices are rejected by the order taker, say, in
your best pouty voice, "Last guy let me do it."
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20 THINGS TO DO IN A DRIVE THRU
1. Drive through the drive thru in reverse and let your passenger order
2. Ask prices of everything on the menu then order something that you did not ask the price for.
3. Pretend like your window is broken. Tell the employee this. Order with your door open, pay with your door open. Roll down window and take food through the window.
4. Go to McDonalds and demand a big breakfast at 11:30 at night. Put up a fight.
5. Pay for a large order in pennies and nickels unwrapped.
6. Order in another language. Be careful what neighborhood you are in.
7. When asked if they can take your order, tell them you are just window shopping and drive on.
8. Laugh sadistically when asked if you would like ketchup.
9. Ask how they fit into that little box.
10. If they make you wait, make them wait when they come back on.
11. Demand to speak to the manager. When he comes on, complain that you did not like the way the employee said "May I take your order?"
12. When asked if they can take your order say " No, why can I take yours?"
13. If they ask you to wait, order anyway and keep doing it till they yell at you.
14. Pretend like your car broke down. Ask for assistance in moving it. When they come out, drive away.
15. Tell them you have to use the bathroom.
16. Order a cup of water and two napkins. That's it.
17. Don't order when they come on. Just sit there. If a line forms behind you, get out of the car and cause a scene.
18. When they hand you your food, hand them a bag back with all the trash from your car in it.
19. Just stare at them when you pay and get your food. Don't break your stare.
20. Honk your horn the whole way through the line.
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YOU KNOW IT'S GOING TO BE A BAD DAY WHEN:
You wake up face down on the pavement
You call Suicide Prevention and they put you on hold
You put your bra on backwards and it fits better
Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles
Your son tells you he wishes Anita Bryant would mind her own business
You want to put on the clothes you wore home from last night's party - and there aren't any
You turn on the news and they're showing emergency routes out of the city
Your twin sister forgets your birthday
You wake up to discover that your waterbed broke and then realize that you don't have a waterbed
Your horn goes off accidentally and remains stuck as you follow a group of Hell's Angels on the freeway
You see the "60 Minutes" News Team waiting in your Office
Your boss tells you not to bother to take off you coat
You walk to work and discover that your dress is tucked in the back of your pantyhose
Your kid say "Did you know that it's almost impossible to flush a grapefruit down the toilet?"
Your driving to work smoking a cigarette. At a stop light, you drop it between your legs. As you frantically search for it, a full city bus pulls up alongside of your car.
You wake up to late to catch the van pool - then you realize that you're driving the van this week
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End Of The World
When the end of the world arrives how will the media report it?
USA Today:
WE'RE DEAD
The Wall Street Journal:
DOW JONES PLUMMETS AS WORLD ENDS
National Enquirer:
O.J. AND NICOLE, TOGETHER AGAIN
Playboy:
GIRLS OF THE APOCALYPSE
Microsoft Systems Journal:
APPLE LOSES MARKET SHARE
Victoria's Secret Catalog:
OUR FINAL SALE
Sports Illustrated:
GAME OVER
Wired:
THE LAST NEW THING
Rolling Stone:
THE GRATEFUL DEAD REUNION TOUR
Readers Digest:
'BYE
Discover Magazine:
HOW WILL THE EXTINCTION OF ALL LIFE AS WE KNOW IT
AFFECT THE WAY WE VIEW THE COSMOS?
TV Guide:
DEATH AND DAMNATION: NIELSON RATINGS SOAR!
Lady's Home Journal:
LOSE 10 LBS BY JUDGEMENT DAY WITH OUR NEW "ARMAGEDDON" DIET!
America Online:
SYSTEM TEMPORARILY DOWN. TRY CALLING BACK IN 15 MINUTES.
Inc. magazine:
TEN WAYS YOU CAN PROFIT FROM THE APOCALYPSE
Microsoft's Web Site:
IF YOU DIDN'T EXPERIENCE THE RAPTURE,
DOWNLOAD SOFTWARE PATCH RAPT777.EXE.
Sun:
ARMAGEDDON TOLERANT SOFTWARE NOW AVAILABLE!
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21 Very Short Books
1)A Guide to Arab Democracies
2)A Journey through the Mind of Dennis Rodman
3)Amelia Earhart's Guide to the Pacific Ocean
4)Career Opportunities for History Majors
5)Contraception by Pope John Paul II
6)Detroit - A Travel Guide
7)Different Ways to Spell "Bob"
8)Dr. Kevorkian's Collection of Motivational Speeches
9)Easy UNIX
10) Ethiopian Tips on World Dominance
11) Everything Men Know About Women
12) French Hospitality
13) Bob Dole: The Wild Years
14) How to Sustain a Musical Career by Art Garfunkel
15) Mike Tyson's Guide to Dating Etiquette
16) Mormon Divorce Lawyers
17) One Hundred and One Spotted Owl Recipes by the EPA
18) Popular Lawyers
19) Staple Your Way to Success
20) Tasty Bile Recipes
21) The Amish Phone Book
10. All important devices now operated by the Clapper.
9. Shuttle's thermostat set at 80 degrees.
8. Shuffle board installed in cargo bay.
7. "Early Bird" specials from Luby's Cafeteria included on menu.
6. One monitor specifically designated for Matlock.
5. Little bowls of candy scattered randomly about the ship.
4. Top speed of shuttle set at 25 miles per hour.
3. Installed a new bifocal windshield.
2. Space pants now go up to armpits.
1. Left-blinker left on for entire mission.
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CREATIVE PICK-UP LINES
(And the ones voted least likely to work)
1. Your body's name must be Visa, because it's everywhere I want to be
2. Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money
3. I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make your bed rock
4. I may not be the best looking guy here, but I'm the only one talking to you.
5. Yo Baby, you be my Dairy Queen, I'll be your Burger King, you treat me right, and I'll do it your way
6. Excuse me, do you have your phone number, I seem to have lost mine.
7. I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went into this cheap motel room.
8. I'm new in town, could I have directions to your house.
9. If you were a new hamburger at McDonald's, you would be McGorgeous.
10. You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.
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The following are actual English subtitles used in films from Hong Kong:
I am darn unsatisfied to be killed in this way.
Fatty, you with your thick face have hurt my instep.
Gun wounds again?
Same old rules: no eyes, no groin.
A normal person wouldn't steal pituitaries.
Darn, I'll burn you into a BBQ chicken
Take my advice, or I'll spank you a lot.
Who gave you the nerve to get killed here?
This will be of fine service for you, you bag of the scum.
I am sure you will not mind that I remove your toenails and leave them out on the dessert floor for ants to eat.
Quiet or I'll blow your throat up.
I'll fire aimlessly if you don't come out!
You daring lousy guy.
Beat him out of recognizable shape!
Yah-hah, evil spider woman! I have captured you by the short rabbits and can now deliver you violently to your doctor for a thorough extermination.
I have been scared silly too much lately.
I got knife scars more than the number of your leg's hair!
Beware! Your bones are going to be disconnected.
The bullets inside are very hot. Why do I feel so cold?
How can you use my intestines as a gift?
Greetings, large black person. Let us not forget to form a team up together and go into the country to inflict the pain of our karate feets on some but of the giant lizard person.
You always use violence. I should've ordered glutinous rice chicken.
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YOU KNOW YOU'VE BEEN DRINKING WAY TOO MUCH COFFEE WHEN.....
* Juan Valdez named his donkey after you.
* You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.
* You just completed another sweater and you don't know how to knit.
* The only time you're standing still is during an earthquake.
* The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.
* Your so jittery that people use your hands to shake paint cans.
* Cocaine is a downer.
* You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's
not plugged in.
* Charles Manson thinks you need to calm down.
* Your taste buds are so numb you could drink your lava lamp.
* When you call radio talk shows, they ask you to turn yourself down.
* Your life goal is to amount to a hill of beans.
* You channel surf faster without a remote.
* You name your cats "Cream" and "Sugar."
* You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.
* You can outlast the Energizer bunny.
* You short out motion detectors.
* Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.
* You think being called a "drip" is a compliment.
* You help your dog chase its tail.
* You're up to four heart attacks a day.
* Your coffee mug is insured by Lloyd's of London.
* You introduce your spouse as your coffeemate.
* You think CPR stands for "Coffee Provides Resuscitation."
* Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup.
* You think Columbia would be a great vacation destination!
* You're passing everybody on the freeway when you suddenly realize:
you left your car at home!
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Top 98 Ways to Order a Pizza
1. If using a touch-tone, press random numbers while ordering. Ask
the person taking the order to stop doing that.
2. Make up a charge-card name. Ask if they accept it.
3. Use CB lingo where applicable.
4. Order a Big Mac Extra Value Meal.
5. Terminate the call with, "Remember, we never had this
conversation."
6. Tell the order taker a rival pizza place is on the other line
and you're going with the lowest bidder.
7. Give them your address, exclaim "Oh, just surprise me!" and
hang up.
8. Answer their questions with questions.
9. In your breathiest voice, tell them to cut the crap about
nutrition and ask if they have something outlandishly sinful.
10. Use these bonus words in the conversation: ROBUST FREE-SPIRITED
COST-EFFICIENT UKRAINIAN PUCE.
11. Tell them to put the crust on top this time.
12. Sing the order to the tune of your favorite song from
Metallica's "Master of Puppets" CD.
"Chop your pizza on a mirror!"
"Master! Master! Put pepperoni on my pizza!"
"Gimme pizza! You will do what I say, when I say Gimme pizza!"
13. Do not name the toppings you want. Rather, spell them out.
14. Put an extra edge in your voice when you say "crazy bread."
15. Stutter on the letter "p."
16. Ask for a deal available somewhere else. (If phoning Domino's,
ask for a CheeserCheeser!)
17. Ask what the order taker is wearing.
18. Crack your knuckles into the receiver.
19. Say hello, act stunned for five seconds, then behave as if they
called you. Rattle off your order with a determined air. If
they ask if you would like drinks with that, panic and become
disoriented.
20. Tell the order taker you're depressed. Get him/her to cheer you
up.
21. Make a list of exotic cuisines. Order them as toppings.
22. Change your accent every three seconds.
23. Order 52 pepperoni slices prepared in a fractal pattern as
follows from an equation you are about to dictate. Ask if they
need paper.
24. Act like you know the order taker from somewhere. Say
"Bed-Wetters' Camp, right?"
25. Start your order with "I'd like...". A little later, slap
yourself and say "No, I don't."
26. If they repeat the order to make sure they have it right, say
"OK. That'll be $10.99; please pull up to the first window."
27. Rent a pizza.
28. Order while using an electric knife sharpener.
29. Ask if you get to keep the pizza box. When they say yes, heave
a sigh of relief.
30. Put the accent on the last syllable of "pepperoni." Use the
long "i" sound.
31. Have your pizza "shaken, not stirred."
32. Say "Are you sure this is (Pizza Place)? When they say yes, say
"Well, so is this! You've got some explaining to do!" When they
finally offer proof that it is, in fact, (Pizza Place), start
to cry and ask, "Do you know what it's like to be lied to?"
33. Move the mouthpiece farther and farther from your lips as you
speak. When the call ends, jerk the mouthpiece back into place
and scream goodbye at the top of your lungs.
34. Tell them to double-check to make sure your pizza is, in fact,
dead.
35. Imitate the order taker's voice.
36. Eliminate verbs from your speech.
37. When they say "What would you like?" say, "Huh? Oh, you mean
now."
38. Play a guitar in the background.
39. Say it's your anniversary and you'd appreciate if the deliverer
hid behind some furniture waiting for your spouse to arrive so
you can surprise him/her.
40. Amuse the order taker with little-known facts about country
music.
41. Ask to see a menu.
42. Quote Carl Sandberg.
43. Say you'll be able to pay for this when the movie people call
back.
44. Ask if they have any idea what is at stake with this pizza.
45. Ask what topping goes best with well-aged Chardonnay.
46. Belch directly into the mouthpiece; then tell your dog it
should be ashamed.
47. Order a slice, not a whole pizza.
48. Shout "I'm through with men/women! Send me a dozen of your
best, Gaston!"
49. Doze off in the middle of the order, catch yourself, and say
"Where was I? Who are you?"
50. Psychoanalyze the order taker.
51. Ask what their phone number is. Hang up, call them, and ask
again.
52. Order two toppings, then say, "No, they'll start fighting."
53. Learn to properly pronounce the ingredients of a Twinkie. Ask
that these be included.
54. Call to complain about service. Later, call to say you were
drunk and didn't mean it.
55. Tell the order taker to tell the manager to tell his supervisor
he's fired.
56. Report a petty theft to the order taker.
57. Use expletives like "Great Caesar's Ghost" and "Jesus Joseph
and Mary in Tinsel Town."
58. Ask for the guy who took your order last time.
59. If he/she suggests anything, adamantly declare, "I shall not be
swayed by your sweet words."
60. Wonder aloud if you should trim those nose hairs.
61. Try to talk while drinking something.
62. Start the conversation with "My Call to (Pizza Place), Take 1,
and... action!"
63. Ask if the pizza is organically grown.
64. Ask about pizza maintenance and repair.
65. Be vague in your order.
66. When they repeat your order, say "Again, with a little more
OOMPH this time."
67. If using a touch-tone press 9-1-1 every 5 seconds throughout
the order.
68. After ordering, say "I wonder what THIS button on the phone
does." Simulate a cutoff.
69. Start the conversation by reciting today's date and saying,
"This may be my last entry."
70. State your order and say that's as far as this relationship is
going to get.
71. Ask if they're familiar with the term "spanking a pizza." Make
up a description to go with the term. Ask that this be done to
your pizza.
72. Say "Kssssssssssssssht" rather loudly into the phone. Ask if
they felt that.
73. Detect the order taker's psychic aura. Use it to your
advantage.
74. When listing toppings you want on your pizza, include another
pizza.
75. Learn to play a blues riff on the harmonica. Stop talking at
regular intervals to play it.
76. Ask if they would like to sample your pizza. Suggest an even
trade.
77. Perfect a celebrity's voice. Stress that you won't take any
crap from some two-bit can't-hack-it pimple-faced gofer.
78. Put them on hold.
79. Teach the order taker a secret code. Use the code on all
subsequent orders.
80. Mumble, "There's a bomb under your seat." When asked to repeat
that, say, "I said 'sauce smothered with meat'."
81. Make the first topping you order mushrooms. Make the last thing
you say "No mushrooms, please." Hang up before they have a
chance to respond.
82. When the order is repeated, change it slightly. When it is
repeated again, change it again. On the third time, say "You
just don't get it, do you?"
83. When you're given the price, say "Ooooooo, that sounds
complicated. I hate math."
84. Haggle.
85. Order a one-inch pizza.
86. Order term life insurance.
87. When they say "Will that be all?", snicker and say "We'll find
out, won't we?"
88. Order with a Speak-n-Spell where applicable.
89. Ask how many dolphins were killed to make that pizza.
90. While on the phone, fake entering puberty. Fluctuate pitch
often; act embarrassed.
91. Engage in some serious swapping.
92. Dance all around the word "pizza." Avoid saying it at all
costs. If he/she says it, say "Please don't mention that word."
93. Have a movie with a good car chase scene playing loudly in the
background. Yell "OW!" when a bullet is fired.
94. If he/she suggests a side order, ask why he/she is punishing
you.
95. Ask if the pizza has had its shots.
96. Order a steamed pizza.
97. Get taker's name. Later, call exactly on the hour to say, "This
is your (time of day) wake-up call, So-and-so." Hang up.
98. Offer to pay for the pizza with a public flogging. If any of
the above practices are rejected by the order taker, say, in
your best pouty voice, "Last guy let me do it."
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20 THINGS TO DO IN A DRIVE THRU
1. Drive through the drive thru in reverse and let your passenger order
2. Ask prices of everything on the menu then order something that you did not ask the price for.
3. Pretend like your window is broken. Tell the employee this. Order with your door open, pay with your door open. Roll down window and take food through the window.
4. Go to McDonalds and demand a big breakfast at 11:30 at night. Put up a fight.
5. Pay for a large order in pennies and nickels unwrapped.
6. Order in another language. Be careful what neighborhood you are in.
7. When asked if they can take your order, tell them you are just window shopping and drive on.
8. Laugh sadistically when asked if you would like ketchup.
9. Ask how they fit into that little box.
10. If they make you wait, make them wait when they come back on.
11. Demand to speak to the manager. When he comes on, complain that you did not like the way the employee said "May I take your order?"
12. When asked if they can take your order say " No, why can I take yours?"
13. If they ask you to wait, order anyway and keep doing it till they yell at you.
14. Pretend like your car broke down. Ask for assistance in moving it. When they come out, drive away.
15. Tell them you have to use the bathroom.
16. Order a cup of water and two napkins. That's it.
17. Don't order when they come on. Just sit there. If a line forms behind you, get out of the car and cause a scene.
18. When they hand you your food, hand them a bag back with all the trash from your car in it.
19. Just stare at them when you pay and get your food. Don't break your stare.
20. Honk your horn the whole way through the line.
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YOU KNOW IT'S GOING TO BE A BAD DAY WHEN:
You wake up face down on the pavement
You call Suicide Prevention and they put you on hold
You put your bra on backwards and it fits better
Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles
Your son tells you he wishes Anita Bryant would mind her own business
You want to put on the clothes you wore home from last night's party - and there aren't any
You turn on the news and they're showing emergency routes out of the city
Your twin sister forgets your birthday
You wake up to discover that your waterbed broke and then realize that you don't have a waterbed
Your horn goes off accidentally and remains stuck as you follow a group of Hell's Angels on the freeway
You see the "60 Minutes" News Team waiting in your Office
Your boss tells you not to bother to take off you coat
You walk to work and discover that your dress is tucked in the back of your pantyhose
Your kid say "Did you know that it's almost impossible to flush a grapefruit down the toilet?"
Your driving to work smoking a cigarette. At a stop light, you drop it between your legs. As you frantically search for it, a full city bus pulls up alongside of your car.
You wake up to late to catch the van pool - then you realize that you're driving the van this week
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
End Of The World
When the end of the world arrives how will the media report it?
USA Today:
WE'RE DEAD
The Wall Street Journal:
DOW JONES PLUMMETS AS WORLD ENDS
National Enquirer:
O.J. AND NICOLE, TOGETHER AGAIN
Playboy:
GIRLS OF THE APOCALYPSE
Microsoft Systems Journal:
APPLE LOSES MARKET SHARE
Victoria's Secret Catalog:
OUR FINAL SALE
Sports Illustrated:
GAME OVER
Wired:
THE LAST NEW THING
Rolling Stone:
THE GRATEFUL DEAD REUNION TOUR
Readers Digest:
'BYE
Discover Magazine:
HOW WILL THE EXTINCTION OF ALL LIFE AS WE KNOW IT
AFFECT THE WAY WE VIEW THE COSMOS?
TV Guide:
DEATH AND DAMNATION: NIELSON RATINGS SOAR!
Lady's Home Journal:
LOSE 10 LBS BY JUDGEMENT DAY WITH OUR NEW "ARMAGEDDON" DIET!
America Online:
SYSTEM TEMPORARILY DOWN. TRY CALLING BACK IN 15 MINUTES.
Inc. magazine:
TEN WAYS YOU CAN PROFIT FROM THE APOCALYPSE
Microsoft's Web Site:
IF YOU DIDN'T EXPERIENCE THE RAPTURE,
DOWNLOAD SOFTWARE PATCH RAPT777.EXE.
Sun:
ARMAGEDDON TOLERANT SOFTWARE NOW AVAILABLE!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
21 Very Short Books
1)A Guide to Arab Democracies
2)A Journey through the Mind of Dennis Rodman
3)Amelia Earhart's Guide to the Pacific Ocean
4)Career Opportunities for History Majors
5)Contraception by Pope John Paul II
6)Detroit - A Travel Guide
7)Different Ways to Spell "Bob"
8)Dr. Kevorkian's Collection of Motivational Speeches
9)Easy UNIX
10) Ethiopian Tips on World Dominance
11) Everything Men Know About Women
12) French Hospitality
13) Bob Dole: The Wild Years
14) How to Sustain a Musical Career by Art Garfunkel
15) Mike Tyson's Guide to Dating Etiquette
16) Mormon Divorce Lawyers
17) One Hundred and One Spotted Owl Recipes by the EPA
18) Popular Lawyers
19) Staple Your Way to Success
20) Tasty Bile Recipes
21) The Amish Phone Book